How to know he wants to marry you from the heart?

[bellareena]

Just a bit out of sorts: dp proposed but only after me finding out he'd been txting female colleague...
He had mentioned it before but never ever went through with it
For example in the past, he'd say "don't you want to marry me" or "I think your surname should be [his surname] just little comments like that but if I showed any interest or eagerness, he'd never do a thing n make excuses for "not now"

This is after two children, one child being 11 years old! And her mentioning marriage a lot because she found it odd how I was "the odd one out" with my surname.

So now after he's been caught, he's completely changed. None stop going on about marriage: telling his parents and family.
And actually bought a ring!

I'm just in two minds though, I just think he's only doing this to appease me. I don't think he takes marriage seriously anyway so it makes me think he'll carry on txting it going after women regardless.

Am I being silly or should I try accept it

I don't think you're being silly. Your instincts shouldn't be ignored. Have you considered premarital couples therapy? Focussing on those issues around marriage and also his texting other women

his proposed to soften the blow of him texting other women. not a great way to start married life on zero trust. that needs to be addressed first

He doesn't want to marry you; he just doesn't want you to leave him.

What's your gut saying?

He's offering marriage to placate you and shut you up about him cheating. To distract you from what he's done. To try to shift the goalposts from whether you should stay in the relationship at all.

You have to trust your instincts. Yours are screaming that he's only proposed because you caught him cheating.

What sort of texts? A bit over friendly or sexting? Also I hate to be cold but I’d think about your living/ financial arrangements. If you are at all vulnerable (as some parents are when not married) and you intend to stay together anyway then I’d do it.

Not silly at all, it’s not an engagement ring/conversation it’s a “let’s forget I was trying to cheat ring”

I think you know in your heart it is genuine however is it in your best interests to marry.

Are you both financially equal?

Is it in your financial interests to be married if you were to split up?
Eg. Are you joint owner of the house - have any savings in joint names and have your own income enough to live off?
If the answer to any of those questions is no then getting married will give you more protection should you later spilt.
If you've already got all those things sorted then I wouldnt marry someone who only asked me when they got caught being over freindly to another woman.

A proposal / ring is meaningless.

What was the nature of his affair with his colleague?

Are you certain you wish to stay in the relationship?

What is your work and financial situation? Really hope you work FT and are not financially dependent on him.

It doesn’t sound like you trust him, understandably. It follows that planning to LTB would be sensible.

You know it’s from the heart because you can feel it. Everything in you just settles down and you feel calm.

Are you financially dependent on him? Because if you are then in your position I'd be going ahead and marrying him regardless of whether he meant it. At least then the cheating shit can't leave you for an affair partner and at the same time make you lose your home as he owns and you aren't married, for example.

Well do you want to him ? Or do you just want to get married ? Is there anything in it for for you ?

The issue for your relationship at this point in time is whether you stay together and then if you do, how you repair what he did. He is is distracting you from that by talk of marriage. And talk is cheap as are some rings.

If it came from his heart it would have happened when you were at your happiest regardless of the circumstances.

Ooh no, it's a deflection. I've seen it happen with friends, he cheats/blows all their money/losses yet another job she gets upset threatens to leave, he proposes. A proposal is meant to be a positive thing, if you accept now you'll always wonder if he would've done it if you hadn't caught him out.

I knew DH was sincere as it came out of a lovely holiday and he'd been surreptitiously carrying the ring (vintage, not a solitaire very much my style) around waiting for the right moment, which told me it was planned and thought out, rather than a knee jerk reaction. We'd also been friends for 14 years before we'd even dated during which time even in long term relationships he'd always said he didn't see the point of marriage. He told me he'd changed his mind after we'd been together a year or so, brought it up without prompting. He also knew I'd been diagnosed with fertility problems and might never have children. So all of those things told me he wanted to marry me just for me. In your shoes I wouldn't believe it was sincere.

You have an eleven year old.

Marriage shouldn't be some holy grail at this point. Other than a bit of a legal safety net it doesn't really mean anything romantically this late in the game.

I definitely wouldn't be letting it distract me from the texting. He's dangled this crappy ring for long enough and now using to excuse his shitty behaviour.

You've been treated appallingly and as a pp said he just doesn't want to lose his domestic comforts either.

I bet it's not even financially advantageous for you to get married. Cos he probably wouldn't have asked if it was

Thanks for the responses

In answer to the questions: no dp owns his house, his parents "gifted" it to him meaning he's never paid a mortgage on it or anything! Which has given him the opportunity to extend on it, spend a lot of money getting it top notch

My name is not on the deeds and never has been. I wonder if now he's proposed that will change...
I haven't brought it up because in the past one of the reasons he was against marriage was because he believes women are "money grabbers"

He hates his sis in law and believes she's a money grubber and after his brothers house/estate etc
(They got married quite early on)

I'm just dubious. I'm quite religious and believe marriage should have a deeper meaning to it. Sounds hilarious as I've lived 11 years having kids out of wedlock! But I do come from a religious, traditional family/culture. Also, I fell pregnant two years after being together

Going to ponder this some more

The texts were very sexual
Planning to take it to a next level- never know if they kissed or not but 99% sure they didn't have sex as one of the lasts txts I saw before I confronted mentioned it
Dp didn't know what txts I'd seen and said he always put it off because he couldn't go through the physical cheating
How true that is I will never know because I confronted him

Is the house in his name? Marry him to give yourself financial protection.

@Boopeedoop

Yes his name is on the house. He owns it

You could marry him to make sure you have what you deserve from the house, or start building for your own future....squirrel money away and get your own home.

What do you want to do? You’re focused on what he wants but what do you want? You know you can’t trust the cock nostril, but do you love him?

Why would you marry him when he's cheated?

Id ask in legal how long you have to be married before you're entitled to half the twats house amd go from there. I really hope you haven't taken the financial hit after kids.