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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend Suddenly Distant

33 replies

MushuPorkyPig · 13/04/2019 23:29

Ladies, I am really at a loss. My boyfriend of a year and a half has gone distant on me...very nearly in the blink of an eye. Approximately 2 weeks ago, we talked, and there were no red flags at all in the conversation. Nothing about being stressed at work. Nothing about stuff going on personally.

Then, he suddenly just stopped reaching out to me, and he would reply when I contacted him, but he was putting forth very little effort into reaching me. The last text conversation we had (Thursday), I found out he had a pretty stressful situation going on at work. I haven't heard from him since. I want to give him space, but a part of me is worried that there is more to the story.

I also found out that he deactivated his Facebook account, which he was never active on anyway, so I didn't even really notice it until I went to look.

AIBU? Should I give him space? Should I cut things off now?

OP posts:

LemonTT · 13/04/2019 23:48

At this stage just give him space. He may be genuinely stressed about something and that means you won’t be the focus of his attention. He will mentally be in a fog. If that’s the case you need to step back and be supportive and affirmative. Tell him you are thinking of him rather than asking what he is doing.

But be careful to protect yourself against him as well. Get on with your life.

Original poster

MushuPorkyPig · 13/04/2019 23:53

Okay but how long do I give him space for? A week? Two? At what point do I say....okay this is not working?

OP posts:

minmooch · 14/04/2019 00:09

Do you not usually speak on the phone? How often do you normally see him?

MsDogLady · 14/04/2019 00:19

To be clear, for a year and a half you have been in mostly daily contact, with both of you initiating contact...until 2 weeks ago when he suddenly went quiet and would only answer your messages. You haven’t heard from him since Thursday, and he has deactivated his FB account.

Did his FB page include photos of you? Did it say ‘In a relationship with Mushu’?

MsDogLady · 14/04/2019 00:45

Because he has suddenly changed the communication dynamic by not initiating contact for 2 weeks and by going silent since Thursday, I would ask for an explanation now.

Being busy at work is no excuse for his disengagement. He would make time if he wanted to.

Razzles · 14/04/2019 00:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

User457990033gYpovd7 · 14/04/2019 01:25

I think he may be depressed too. I would contact him and try to get him to talk about the work situation. Bit worried that it's all so sudden. Hope he is okay but, if not, please support him in getting any help he needs.

Original poster

MushuPorkyPig · 14/04/2019 02:27

The answer to all the questions:

Texting is most frequent, but yes we do regularly talk on the phone as well. If I give him space and I still don't hear from him in a reasonable time frame, I will likely reach out via phone call.

Doglady: yes, that is mostly correct. He did initiate a phone call last week and he did text me on Tuesday. No, I have not heard from him since Thursday. Which under normal circumstances, I would say it's only been a couple of days, no big deal. But combined with all of the very sudden communication issues, it feels like a much bigger deal.

No, no FB pictures no relationship status....which to be fair, I don't have pictures of him or a relationship status either. It's something we mutually decided pretty early on.

As far as depression....I do worry about that. He let me know a few weeks ago that he has suffered from slight depression for most of his adult life. Now...this slight depression has/had never affected our relationship before. He's not on medication for it. I haven't noticed any, er, sexual side effects or anything like that. Anyway, at the time we had that talk, he made it clear there was nothing I could do about it, but that just the fact that I am there for him and care about him means a lot to him. So, he let me in. He didn't shut me out or anything.

The last time I saw him, nothing really seemed off. And, the last time we spoke, nothing really seemed off. I know depression is one of those tricky tricky things that you often don't see it coming, no outward symptoms or anything like that. So, I do kind of worry that maybe the depression has escalated from slight to more severe.

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 14/04/2019 02:34

The only way you are going to know is to ask him.

Jaguarana · 14/04/2019 02:38

You've posted this in AIBU and in Relationships. One thread is usually enough, OP. Two confuses things.

As to the issue with your bf, you need to talk to him.

RiversDisguise · 14/04/2019 02:44

He could have met someone else

He could be depressed and unable to face anyone

Go and see him and find out

Original poster

MushuPorkyPig · 14/04/2019 03:14

Yeah, I am pretty torn between giving him the space to figure out whatever out and just forcing him to talk to me about what's going on.

OP posts:

MsDogLady · 14/04/2019 03:57

If this odd, distant behavior had begun on Thursday, I’d advise to wait. It started 2 weeks ago, though, and has escalated. I would ask him now.

After 11/2 years, surely you can discuss this with him. He has changed and he owes you an explanation.

If he is depressed and can work, he can certainly call/text his long-time partner.

Transpeaked · 14/04/2019 04:01

I had that happen to me. Turned out he was in at least one more relationship - neither of us knew about the other.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 14/04/2019 04:09

If you were married with kids he couldn’t just claim he was stressed and withdraw from your lives. He is your long term partner and owes you an explanation.

MumsyJ · 14/04/2019 06:46

This had happened to me in the past. Talk to him to know where you stand and your relationship with him as well.

Original poster

MushuPorkyPig · 14/04/2019 13:56

Transpeaked, that is something that has been rumbling around in my head as well. Not that I suspect him of it, but when a situation like this happens, you just try to look at any possible explanations, and sadly, this is one of the possible explanations. And then, not sure if it happens with others, but with me, I start thinking back and analyzing all the dates, all the conversations, all the texts, and seeing if there was some sort of hint I was missing. A tone in his voice, something he said, maybe something that didn't make sense. And, overanalyzing is the absolute worst.

Mumsy, how did it end up for you?

OP posts:

Nnnnnineteen · 14/04/2019 14:57

I used to do this to blokes I'm afraid. Sorry to say that my motivation for doing so was usually: couldn't be bothered to finish things so hoped they would; already started a new fling; bracing self for dramatic end of relationship crap that I couldn't face. Hope none of these are true, but you do need to contact him and have the conversation.

Butterymuffin · 14/04/2019 15:03

I would text something general and cheerful and ask how he is. If that gets nothing I'd text and say you understand if he needs space but you'd just like to know he's ok. Then if both those get nothing, you know there is a real problem.

Original poster

MushuPorkyPig · 14/04/2019 16:13

Buttery, the problem is that I messaged him Thursday. I don't want to be the only person putting forth any effort.

And, the other issue is if I messaged him, all cheery and normal, yes I'm sure he would respond to me. But, it doesn't really address the issue here of him not initiating anything. I'm going to let it go for now...but if it gets to the point I have to reach out to him, it will be a phone call.

OP posts:

Original poster

MushuPorkyPig · 14/04/2019 21:51

Well...as I was giving him space, he did finally message me, asking how my weekend has been going. Then, the dreaded words:

Can we talk?

So, I called him, and well...no reason to beat around the bush. He broke it off.

OP posts:

standardaccount · 14/04/2019 21:57

Sorry to hear that. Did you give you a reason?

stanski · 14/04/2019 22:05

Sorry to hear ! I was about to say are you sure he's deactivated his FB rather than block you which you wouldn't know unless you check from another persons FB, but doesn't matter now I suppose. Hope you're ok xx

Butterymuffin · 14/04/2019 22:10

Sorry OP. At least you know now though. And if he's moving into a depressed and stressed state, at least you don't need to feel responsible for him now and can prioritise yourself.

Original poster

MushuPorkyPig · 14/04/2019 22:16

Um, there were numerous reasons. He's had this swirling in his head for a while. And a lot of what he had going on in his head was fixable. He even said he wished he had called me and talked to me about it before it got to this point.

But, by the time he talked to me, I think his mind was made up. He never said "It's not you, it's me." But, he did mention (among many things) working on his health and focusing on improving his career and so on.

He said he was starting to feel empty after our times together. The last couple of times we saw each other he said he could tell he "wasn't feeling it." Now, bear in mind, a lot of that is related to the things he had created in his head. So, it's sort of like the chicken and the egg. Was he not feeling it because of these things that would have been resolved if he had just talked to me? If we had been able to see each other with him having a clear head, would he still have been "not feeling it"? I guess we'll never know.

OP posts:

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