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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I intolerant/judgemental?

37 replies

Bathsheba1878 · 13/04/2019 22:39

I live with my partner ( 5 years living together) and between us we have three children from previous relationships. I have one child (age 14) he has two children (one age 15, one age 13). All three live with us full time as, for different reasons, the other parents are not part of their lives at all.
We own a lovely house together and most aspects of the relationship are good. However, my partner's elder son uses cannabis every day, has dropped out of school, doesn't participate in any family activities and can be very aggressive when challenged in any way. My partner is obviously extremely worried about him, and does love him dearly, but in my view, his strategy for dealing with him is a recipe for disaster. Basically he gives him money, buys him tobacco/ vape, gives him lifts as and when he wants, serves him all his meals in his room (again on demand and generally different to the meals the rest of the family are having) and buys him expensive clothing and trainers. Smoking cannabis in the house or garden happens on a regular (virtually daily basis) although he is asked not to do it. He goes out every evening and my partner cleans and ventilates his room for him when he goes out, ready for exactly the same thing to happen the next day. I find it difficult to see how the situation is ever going to improve given that he in effect has all his needs met and there are no negative consequences for this behaviour.

I've expressed this opinion to my partner at various times over the last few months but nothing changes. Today there was a specific incident that made me really lose it and I was extremely critical of his parenting of his son - not least because of the impact it has on our other two children and on our relationship. He has now withdrawn and won't even be in the same room as me. I don't want to upset him but simply cannot bring myself to apologise or retract what I've said because I can't believe many people would find it acceptable to live like this. But maybe I am wrong and maybe I should be more tolerant of a different parenting style? I should add that the other two children are doing fine at school and at present, seem happy overall.

OP posts:
MitziK · 13/04/2019 23:20

Nope. You aren't.

He's a shit parent and if his idea of being one is being his kid's best mate, then they - and you/your DCs' - best option is for the two of them to move into a dingy little flat so he can keep facilitating his kid's absolute unwillingness to engage in society and stay permanently stoned.

surlycurly · 13/04/2019 23:34

Terribly hard situation. I don't envy you. I think you have to stay strong. What will make him change his parenting? There's a string connect

Original poster
Bathsheba1878 · 13/04/2019 23:34

Ironically I have suggested that the two of them move temporarily into a basic flat, in the hope that it might enable him to sort his son out and remove him from his current privileged existence. He won't do it though.

OP posts:
surlycurly · 13/04/2019 23:35

Oops sorry- there's a string connection between this kind of door smoking and mental health problems- maybe that's the attitude you need to take with your DP. He is, just to be 100% clear, NOT handling this well.

surlycurly · 13/04/2019 23:36

*dope smoking!

Original poster
Bathsheba1878 · 13/04/2019 23:45

Yes the mental health angle is something that my partner is aware of ( if his son didn't have mental health issues before getting into cannabis I'd say he definitely does have now - he is very volatile and some of his thinking is paranoid) and in fairness he has tried to get help from the GP and from the school. Unfortunately because the boy point blank refuses to attend any appointments it appears nothing can be done.
I do appreciate your replies though. I have spent the evening feeling like a very mean and unsupportive partner. Just at my wits end with it.

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 13/04/2019 23:46

Whose house is the name in?
Terrible way to live for you all and it’s sad that the younger kids suffer.

Original poster
Bathsheba1878 · 14/04/2019 00:00

The house is owned jointly by us both (no mortgage). The other two seem OK but I am not so naïve as to think they are not affected by this. They are both upset by witnessing violent arguments and our house smells strongly of cannabis a lot of the time. I think part of the reason my partner is so desperate to appease his older boy is to avoid conflict which might upset the other two. But to my mind that is just kicking the can down the road and creating greater problems in the future.

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 14/04/2019 00:06

Difficult but the son needs to get his own place and your partner needs to be a parent.
Don’t know how your going to do it though.
Flowers

Singlenotsingle · 14/04/2019 00:11

Difficult to tell a 15yo to get his own place 7yo

Original poster
Bathsheba1878 · 14/04/2019 00:12

My dilemma exactly. Still, glad no one has said they think I am being unfair. Sometimes it's hard to have any perspective when you're on the inside of the problem.

OP posts:
jaynelovesagathachristie · 14/04/2019 00:45

Just no! My oh smoked a Fair amount of weed when we stated dating ( at university) as did his friends. He used to smoke age 15 parents knew but banned in the house and he had to source money himself. ( he was a bit of a nightmare teen ) he and his mates were incredibly unmotivated and smoked and played games all day.

No way he would smoke in the house, totally disrespectful, I would he having strong words with your husband it will effect the household and his education. Get some bloody boundaries in, he's a child he lives by your rules

LizzieSiddal · 14/04/2019 02:09

Why is his father giving him money when he knows it will be used to buy drugs?

Also when did your DSS stop seeing his mum? I’d assume he had issues around this, is he getting any help/support.

PinkBlueStripes · 14/04/2019 03:16

I think you understand from your posts that he is mediating conflict with other children and you. I have a DB who used cannabis from aged 15 and now has schizophrenia.

I think you need to help DP out. Get on the phone to school and the GP and get a plan. Maybe look at some family therapy.

Give him zero cash!!!!! Drugs should be banned, its illegal to have them on your premises. Also:
www.marijuana-anonymous.org.uk

Possession of cannabis carries a sentence of up to 5 years. A police caution would show up on an enhanced crb and could prevent him applying for jobs.

he is very volatile and some of his thinking is paranoid

Is your partner aware of the psychological impact of weed on a developing teenage brain? He might be developing psychosis. Is your partner aware of the devastating impact it would have on his life if he had to be sectioned?

Three goals: quit the cannabis, get him back into education or training, build his self esteem. Have a look at The Challenge NCS.

Original poster
Bathsheba1878 · 14/04/2019 05:04

Thank you all for your replies. Lying here sleepless with worry, it means a lot. To answer some of your questions, The reason DSS doesn’t see his mum is that she died many years ago. I am sure this is closely linked to his drug use, and general mental health issues, but because he refuses to talk to anyone about anything it is not possible to address it. DP is well aware of all the damage that cannabis use can do, especially in adolescents, and of the legal issues too. However, he feels that by giving money he stops DSS stealing ( or trashing the house as he has threatened to) and that by buying him vape he stops him obtaining it from others, by allowing him to store drugs on the premises ( even provided a box for that purpose) he knows what he is using etc - he has a justification for all his actions but I do not agree with him. As others have said, there is an absence of boundaries and it has become enabling/ facilitating. DSS’s school have been helpful to a point but because he can be disruptive in school and refuses to engage with anything they offer I feel they’ve sort of washed their hands if him. They’ve done all they can and he is due to finish school this year anyway. It is an incredibly sad situation. Marajuana anonymous is a very useful link which I wasn’t aware of so will pursue that. Would very much like to have a proper plan in place for tackling the situation rather than just ‘let’s hope it gets better’.

OP posts:
surlycurly · 14/04/2019 05:15

Your OH needs to put the well-being of the many before the few. How would your other DC cope with constant police visits if he chooses to continue this and your neighbours start to report it. Or he starts to grow his own or sell it too. All of these things are very possible. Your DP simply doesn't want to be th bad guy; he's not really helping at all. I understand why you're so worried OP.

Original poster
Bathsheba1878 · 14/04/2019 05:34

You are very perceptive- those are some of my fears too. One neighbour has already noticed that he smokes in the garden and mentioned it to me. I didn’t feel able to tell her that he was doing it with DP’s consent.

OP posts:
SusieQ5604 · 14/04/2019 05:39

Can you do an intervention for DP so he can recognize his way is not working and is actually doing more harm????

HopefulAgain10 · 14/04/2019 05:42

Honestly op, split up and take your child out of that toxic environment. Why would you sacrifice your own childs health and well being for this?
Your dp is an extremely bad parent, he is dragging you all down a very bad path.

Original poster
Bathsheba1878 · 14/04/2019 05:42

Could you give me an example of that please? Sorry to be dense, but iam not sure what you mean.

OP posts:
MumUnderTheMoon · 14/04/2019 05:43

You need to take action to protect the other children in the house. It is only a matter of time before the police and social services get involved. If he won't move out then you may have to. Protecting the other children is the most important thing.

Original poster
Bathsheba1878 · 14/04/2019 05:54

Sorry, justcto be clear - I was asking Susie for an example.
But to those who have suggested that I move out , yes that is something I am considering if there is no sign of change. I would have huge feelings of guilt though - all 3 children have had a rough start in life and would not want us to split. The ideal is to try to turn this around but if that is not possible in the near future then I will have no choice.

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 14/04/2019 06:00

If your dp won't take action then I think you have to take your child out of the situation by leaving dp.

I would also inform social services and potentially the police as your partner is putting the 13 year old at risk.

I know you are assuming benevolent intentions on behalf of your dp but I do not think that is the case, he wants to be the cool Dad and at some level he must support it.
If your partner was a stoner would you stay with him? Why put your child through this, they have no choice but to live like this and it must be impacting them.

Original poster
Bathsheba1878 · 14/04/2019 06:16

DP does not use any drugs himself and I think it may be more the case that he wants to avoid any conflict with his children rather than wishing to appear cool. Nevertheless that does not make it an easier to live with. The police have actually been to the house on a couple of occasions in relation to DSS but appeared unconcerned about the cannabis use ( despite it being very obvious). I think it was partly that which made me question whether I was being too uptight about it. It it is clear though from these responses that I am not.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 14/04/2019 08:10

You are not being uptight because the drug use is having a hugely detrimental effect in your DSS. And all evidence points towards this drug use continuing and could even get worse. He is also recovering no education and there are other dc in the house.

You say you think it all stems from his mums death but he won’t talk, cold you and your H visit your Dss Dr, tell them what is going on and see if there is any help advised there?

It makes me cross that you and your H aren’t being supported here, the school should really have signposted you to some help instead go just washing your hands.

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