Am I intolerant/judgemental?

[Bathsheba1878]

I live with my partner ( 5 years living together) and between us we have three children from previous relationships. I have one child (age 14) he has two children (one age 15, one age 13). All three live with us full time as, for different reasons, the other parents are not part of their lives at all.
We own a lovely house together and most aspects of the relationship are good. However, my partner's elder son uses cannabis every day, has dropped out of school, doesn't participate in any family activities and can be very aggressive when challenged in any way. My partner is obviously extremely worried about him, and does love him dearly, but in my view, his strategy for dealing with him is a recipe for disaster. Basically he gives him money, buys him tobacco/ vape, gives him lifts as and when he wants, serves him all his meals in his room (again on demand and generally different to the meals the rest of the family are having) and buys him expensive clothing and trainers. Smoking cannabis in the house or garden happens on a regular (virtually daily basis) although he is asked not to do it. He goes out every evening and my partner cleans and ventilates his room for him when he goes out, ready for exactly the same thing to happen the next day. I find it difficult to see how the situation is ever going to improve given that he in effect has all his needs met and there are no negative consequences for this behaviour.

I've expressed this opinion to my partner at various times over the last few months but nothing changes. Today there was a specific incident that made me really lose it and I was extremely critical of his parenting of his son - not least because of the impact it has on our other two children and on our relationship. He has now withdrawn and won't even be in the same room as me. I don't want to upset him but simply cannot bring myself to apologise or retract what I've said because I can't believe many people would find it acceptable to live like this. But maybe I am wrong and maybe I should be more tolerant of a different parenting style? I should add that the other two children are doing fine at school and at present, seem happy overall.

*washing their hands of your DSS.

Please excuse all typos!’

I would cut my losses sell the house and leave you cant sacrifice two children because he wont parent one

I think this is very difficult. Basically the ship has sailed. As soon as it became apparent what this boy was doing it should have been dealt with immediately, with serious consequences in place and no enabling behaviour.

I've genuinely no idea how your partner does a complete about turn now and make it effective. It's gone too far.

I'm not shocked at the boys behaviour, he tested boundaries and lots of kids do this, I am totally shocked at your partner's, and have no idea what he was thinking enabling his son in this manner.

As said. I suspect it's too far down the line now and he's right, if he stops the boy will just turn to stealing etc.

I think you should try and get some advice from an agency in real life. Can you google drug support or something in your area and go down and talk to them. As I understand it there's more impact using under 25, but thinking the cannabis is causing the mh issues could be masking that they would be there anyway. I couldn't live like that, but I can see why you don't just want to storm off. You need some sort of realistic plan. Plus just leaving doesn't help your stepson and other half, and I'm sure despite not wanting to live like this, you want him to get back on track and be happy again.

In fairness the school have been endlessly supportive within their means. The pastoral team have kept in contact very regularly and arranged a youth social worker for DSS ( whom he refused to see after one meeting). They also arranged for a mental health nurse to come into school to assess him ( DSS refused to see her at all). DP has seen the GP on several occasions - again very sympathetic but can’t do anything without seeing DSS and he won’t attend an appointment. Massively frustrating.

Thank you all. Bluntness you are correct - it is difficult to envisage how to get this back on track when DSS is now basically used to being in charge and accepting no one’s authority.
But Noimagination describes my emotions exactly- I want the best for all 3 children and for DP ( whom I do love) and worry about the impact of walking away.

You are neither intolerant nor judgmental - quite the opposite. This situation can only get worse and for me would be a dealbreaker. Cut your losses and split - for the sake of your child if not for you - before things get truly hairy. Be honest and try to imagine how things will be in a couple of years if you don't leave. If that doesn't scare you shitless, it should.

I cant abide skunk weedheads and parents who treat them like demi-Gods. Disney dad and his son will be your pain in the arse forever more, his leeching son wont ever leave and due to the inertia and paranoia skunk weed induces, your family life will be hell soon enough.

What about your child, having to witness all this, and smell of skunk weed in the house?

I would have huge feelings of guilt though - all 3 children have had a rough start in life and would not want us to split

Its rough life now tho - a pothead and his enabler in your lives, and violent arguments too. By the way what will you say if your child goes on to smoke skunk weed - & youngers tend to prefer skunk as its cheaper - You wont be able to have the 'anti-drugs' talk with him will you...? Given your home life, I doubt he will listen.

Your husband is extremely irresponsible. He should be setting boundaries and also trying to help his son. But hes failing on both scores yet has the absolute cheek to be annoyed when you address this with him.

Is there anyone at all you can think of who could make your partner see sense? He will end up losing both his son and his relationship and his other son will resent him too. He appears entirely unaware of what the stakes are here.

As others have said find some local support.

And I’d have a very serious chat with your Dh. Tell him that you love him but something has to change as you can’t expose your Dd to this environment. That you understand he wants to help and protect his DSS but this isn’t the way to do to.

One approach may be to both sit down and tell dss that you are now acting together and have agreed together on a way forward. That you will only continue to give him money for the next X weeks for cannabis, and this is to give him a chance to stop using the cannabis. He will have to start engaging with RL help and at the end of X weeks all money will stop.

Give him time to think about the implications of this. Ask him how he will get the money if you stop. Explain the path that most druggies go down - stealing from parents/siblings leads to eventually being asked to leave family house, this leads to sleeping on friends sofas, he will then start stealing from them so that leads to homelessness, you’ll then have to steal from strangers, breaking into houses etc.
I suspect his mind has not got this far as he thinks his dad will always give him money.

What a difficult situation, such a devastating loss

A few other links:

www.hopeagain.org.uk/

www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/children-and-bereavement/#if-a-child-has-lost-a-loved-one

childbereavementuk.org/

www.winstonswish.org/

They do family days out etc.

www.cruse.org.uk/get-help/for-parents/how-to-help-a-child-or-young-person

I can't help thinking a box for drugs has similarities with a memory box for a parent, and the drugs are a mask for his feelings. Could DH explore making a memory box with him and use it to replace the drug one? If DH drives him places, can they not go out and do stuff together? An activity to bond?

Can you ask social services for a family support worker on the basis that your DH has been neglecting your son and the other children are at risk?

Just wanted to say a quick thank you to all those who replied. I was at an absolute low point when I posted and I appreciated every response. You've given me a lot of strength to face the future.

Take care of yourself too those are tough circumstances, small progress steps, stay positive. Be on the case following up professionals, get home visits. After 18 it is much harder to get help.