Am I being stupid to be upset by this?

[MummytoCSJH]

My partners best friend is horrible. Really, horrible, I don't like him at all, hes called me fat in the past (my partner set him straight on that), hes racist and constantly drunk, but he's always been one of those 'lads' where everything he says is 'banter' so apparently its fine .Anyway - I just try not to talk about him, they talk regularly but never see each other anyway and I would never expect him to ditch his oldest friend for me. HOWEVER my partner has just told me in passing that this man has just broken up with his girlfriend, essentially she's left him for the same reasons I mentioned above, and that he sent a naked picture of her that she sent to him to my partner and she found out. I feel really upset he didn't tell me this when it happened, he thinks I'm being silly as I've seen the conversation and in no way did my partner want the photo, his friend just sent it to him. I can't help feeling really upset though, can't really explain why, my previous relationship ended because I found out I was the OW so I'm very cautious about cheating. My partner knows this. I can't stop crying. It just feels wrong.

I can see how he won't have wanted to tell you as it would only be upsetting. If you have no other reason not to trust him, I would not let this spoil things. Hopefully he will see the light about his idiot friend one of these days.

Thank you for being so rational. I know I can see things in the wrong way and be sensitive about this stuff, hence posting. I dont have any reason not to trust him, no. I know you can never know if someone will cheat but I feel comfortable that he wouldn't. We have been having a bit of a rough time, not with each other but just very busy and stressed with work and uni exams so don't have much time together other than dinner and sleep (including no sex recently) and I think it's just built up to me over reacting a bit.

Maybe you're upset to realise just how much of an arse this man is?
Partners friend, that is..

Oh I've known since the beginning! He's a horrible person through and through, most of the time thinks he's being funny when hes not, not even remotely! My partner doesn't find most of the things he does funny either but (honestly and sadly) has very few friends apart from this man.

Beware of those who try to disguise cruelty and abuse as a joke.

This ‘friend’ is a pig who enjoys abusing others, violating boundaries, and causing turmoil. Calling you fat and forwarding your partner a nude photo of his girlfriend that she assumed would be kept private. Despicable.

How long ago was the photo sent? How did you find out? Did your partner immediately delete it?

Maybe you’re upset because your DP’s best friend is a malicious, misogynistic wanker. The company someone keeps says something about who they are.

Why did he send it to your Partner though ?

I found out as he was explaining to me why they'd broken up and showed me the conversation. Yes he deleted it straight away and told his friend it was disgusting to do that, I've seen the conversation they had and he definitely wasn't happy about it! My partner does always tell him straight that he doesn't approve of some of the things he says and does, my partner is NOTHING like this man and I can tell you now if he ever said or did anything remotely similar to anything his friend has done he would not be my partner anymore. I can't fathom why he wants to be friends with him, I wouldn't accept it from one of my friends, but I think he's just scared of losing someone who has been in his life for so long (they went to nursery and primary school together, now 26) and having nobody to talk to :( he rarely actually sees this man, maybe once or twice a year, and he does have other friends but they live all over the country and he never sees them either.

He just sent it out of the blue (they hadn't been chatting about anything related) oh look what 'girlfriends name' just sent me

Revenge porn is against the law. It's not funny, it's hateful, and it's illegal.

You should report him to the police, that's s horrible thing he did and I would be upset also. Personally I could not be with someone who would tolerate that in a friend. What does it matter if he told him off if he is still happy to keep hanging out with him?

This is totally different to you just not getting on with one of his friends. Your partner is friends with a racist misogynistic drunk. Most people would prefer to have no friends than have a friend like that - only racist misogynists would find that sort of person tolerable. Your partner finds him tolerable and that is telling you something very unpleasant about him.

I’m not usually a fan of people telling their partners whom they can and can’t be friends with, but in this case I’d suggest asking your boyfriend to ditch this loser.

Have you ever heard that expression you can judge a man by the company he keeps?

There is a reason for that expression. People feel most comfortable and are happiest spending time with people who are like them, people they click with.

Can you encourage your partner to join some sort of club or something - so he can make some friends?

He must be desperate if you wants to keep in touch with this horrible pig.

I agree with Treaclesweet

I would be reporting this asshole, what a vile cretin.

My ex had a friend like this. He went as far as spiking women. My ex knew about this I later found out. The pair of them spiked me once. My ex raped me on this occasion knowing I was drugged. I didn’t think my ex was anything like his vile friend. Turns out he was, he was complicit in it. Pair of complete bastards

I don't know enough about him to report him to the police unfortunately, only his name and facebook. Havent actually met him - thank fuck I refused. It wasn't revenge porn - not that that makes a difference regarding how awful it is - this was sent whilst they were together, think he just thought he would show off. They broke up because she found out. If I'd have known when it happened I would have told her, my partner woukd have too if he knew who she wasother than first name.

Chamomile, thank you, I will speak to him about it. He's awfully depressed (not happy in his job, no contact with family as they are toxic, and the tablets he is on for his depression aren't working anymore) so it's been hard trying to get him to do anything recently.

JK I am so so sorry to hear you've been through that :( my ex was horribly abusive in more ways than one. Some men are just disgusting and I know they're entitled but it's still shocking how they think they can get away with it.

I know it's awful that he's friends with him but I can't express enough that my partner is basically the complete opposite to this man - I really think there's no reason to be friends other than what Chamomile said. He really is desperately lonely and I'm so sad to have to say that. I'm going to sit down and have a chat to him about it all and see what his response is. I think it's gotten to the point now where if his response is anything other than not speaking to him anymore, the relationship will be over. This is obviously not the only thing wrong in our relationship, nor has it ever been a major thing as I've just ignored his friend and not gotten involved up until now, but you're right that others will start to associate my partner as being the same if he continues to hang out with him. I dont even know how this man got a girlfriend in the first place!

There were paragraphs in that last post, I promise

It is revenge porn to use private pictures she sent for him to humiliate her by sharing with others.

Revenge Porn is the sharing of private, sexual materials, either photos or videos, of another person, without their consent and with the purpose of causing embarrassment or distress.

Sharing pics of your ex with your buddies to yuk it up falls into that category.

. The company someone keeps says something about who they are.

This is what would upset me if DH had s friend that

Report him to the police for revenge porn. That's such a disgusting violation. He's the kind of man who would post it on a public forum in spite so it's best he's reported so it can be investigated and taken down.

I'm pretty sure distributing naked photos sent in confidence to a partner IS revenge porn.

You say it's his oldest friend. Presumably your DP has known him for years. Easy for some of the posters to say " if they are friends then they are similar etc" but it really is unfair to judge the friend, especially as he set the other guy straight. I would hope that they keep growing apart though. He sounds vile. If all his arsehole behaviour is a façade- I believe alcoholics are often very depressed--then he needs to face up to his problems and get help. Sounds like your DP is honest with him. Maybe he should suggest that.