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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH caught me with a toy.

41 replies

hidinginthenightgarden · 13/04/2019 09:44

And he is upset. HAven't had chance to talk about it as he has gone off to the gym.
We don't have sex much because we have 2 young kids and are up before 6 most days. Both very tired in the evenings and kids are up super early in the morning so no time for much then either. We make the effort about once a fortnight. Not ideal but in the circumstance I have been seeing it as a short term thing.
I also assumed he did similar as occasionally he locks the bathroom door - literally once a month or something that I notice, the rest of the time he leaves the door wide open evven if doing a shit. I have always assumed that he was sorting himself out on those occasions.
Is this really that bad? Maye I bruised his ego? Maybe this will help us make more effort? Any ideas to make this an easier discussion pleas?

OP posts:

RiversDisguise · 13/04/2019 09:48

He's being fucking ridiculous and weird.

AnyFucker · 13/04/2019 09:49

Tell him to grow the fuck up

PeachNut · 13/04/2019 09:49

How and when you masturbate has fuck all to do with him.

Musti · 13/04/2019 09:50

Well I can understand that he may be upset if he's wanting more sex and you're using a toy when you have him, but also with 2 kids and always busy it's quicker and easier to use a toy.

Newmumma83 · 13/04/2019 09:50

No you can get quick satisfaction from such things ... I think my husband would try to get in on the action rather than sulk 😂😂

Original poster

hidinginthenightgarden · 13/04/2019 09:50

I know but I think he is hurt because I choose to master Nate when we rarely have sex. If we had frequent sex, it probably wouldn’t bother him so much!

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Original poster

hidinginthenightgarden · 13/04/2019 09:51

Yes it is much quicker! And a different kind of satisfying too but I can’t tell him that without sounding like a bitch 😳

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Overtheborder · 13/04/2019 09:51

He's being an idiot.

Unless he was downstairs stressed out looking after the kids and came up to find you legs akimbo having the time of your life...!!

Original poster

hidinginthenightgarden · 13/04/2019 09:52

*masterbate

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Original poster

hidinginthenightgarden · 13/04/2019 09:52

Over the border- he was watching the kids -watch TV . 🤷‍♀️

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AnonymFriend · 13/04/2019 09:52

You have every right to do what you want with your own body.

I imagine he's wondering why the toy instead of sex with him, especially if he'd love to have sex more often. Have a think about what the answer is, and how to explain that tactfully and constructively. On the positive side, you both so enjoy sex with each other - focus on that and keep the lines of communication open.

Original poster

hidinginthenightgarden · 13/04/2019 09:53

Anonfriend- I think that is exactly what he is thinking. The answer is simply that I am bloody knackered at 10pm and want to sleep!

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Windowsareforcheaters · 13/04/2019 09:54

Does he?

Do you care if he does?

Is it the use of a 'toy' that bothers him?

AnonymFriend · 13/04/2019 09:55

I think it's fine to say that it gives you a different kind of pleasure, why should you have to lie about that? Do you ever use it with him?

RiversDisguise · 13/04/2019 09:56

So are you turning him down or what?

Most men would want to join in so his response is hard to understand.

Original poster

hidinginthenightgarden · 13/04/2019 09:57

Windows- not 100% sure but I don’t care if he does.
Anonymfriend- we do use it together yes.

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Original poster

hidinginthenightgarden · 13/04/2019 09:59

Rivers- he couldn’t join in, the kids are too young to be left alone!
I rarely turn him down but rarely instigate either. I did say last night, in a casual light hearted way “ we should probably have sex soon, it’s been a while! 😉” we didn’t though.

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Windowsareforcheaters · 13/04/2019 09:59

I bet he's at it in the shower. No judgment from me but if he is at it why can't you.

When he returns ask him how often he is self pleasuring?

There may be a little touch of double standards.

Pinkybutterfly · 13/04/2019 10:00

If that was me my partner would have closed the door and would have helped me out finishing hahaha

ATowelAndAPotato · 13/04/2019 10:03

My DH and I often "sort ourselves out" if one of us is too tired for sex, so I wouldn't have an issue with him doing that in general.

But to be honest, if I was downstairs with the kids and popped up to find him knocking one out I'd be pissed off too.

Ok, maybe the kids are just watching tv, but if they are young, then you're still "on duty".

If he's walked in and found you, and the kids are older, is it possible one of the kids might have - could he be annoyed about that?

I guess what I'm trying to say is maybe it was more about the timing of it, than the act itself?

Original poster

hidinginthenightgarden · 13/04/2019 10:09

One of those rare times I found the door locked was when he was taking a shower at a holiday apartment that has only one toilet. Youngest is 3 and when she needs a wee she needs it then! Doubt it is timing.

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fecketyfeck21 · 13/04/2019 10:15

i couldn't feeling attracted to a man who leaves the door open when he's sitting on the loo,let alone think about having sex with him - urgh, that's so grim.
he sounds a bit of a wanker tbh in more respects than one

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 13/04/2019 10:24

This pops up in here from the other point of view quite often, and although people will always say that it's his body and he can masterbate if he wants to, there is also an understanding of why the women is hurt. Especially if their sex life is infrequent and she was looking after the kids when she found out.

I would leave the conversations about it feeling different aside for now and focus on that you enjoy sex with him but timing makes it difficult and work on how you both fix that. Where there's a will, there's a way! He's pride is probably a bit dented and while I'd not be entertaining that too much, I would cut him a bit of slack if he got over himself.

Windowsareforcheaters · 13/04/2019 10:27

I can understand why he's a bit gutted in a 'I fancy some of that' kind of way but once he realises it's just what he's been doing in the shower he should get over it.

Hopefully it will make you realise you are both still sexual creatures even if you do have kids. A bit of focus may help the situation

Original poster

hidinginthenightgarden · 13/04/2019 10:27

Anchor- my thoughts are just that. I get why he feels the way he does. I am hoping it will lead to some resolution.

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