Is this guy toying with me? Messing with my head?

[Beachball32]

Hi All,

I’ll give a brief overview. After a tough year I met a guy about 8 months ago. It started well, he seemed lovely but I noticed that if was hard to get him to commit to making forward plans or spending much time with me. He’d keep in touch daily- he’d text me frequently but would never suggest seeing each other. He did say he was shy so I became a little bolder and would invite myself round to his. He gladly offered me a key and said I was welcome round his place anytime.

As time went on he started pulling back, becoming emotionally distant. He’d make excuses not to see me (and please be aware that I’m independent, not clingy- I just wanted to be able to see my boyfriend a couple of times a week!). He’d go out with friends but not me. Basically I pursued him. He’d keep in regular contact and say he missed me but he’d say he was too tired/ill for me to see him. I have my own house but he’s only been over twice in eight months! I’d invite him over but he’d come up with a reason- once he said he had a vets appointment and had to cancel seeing me. My gut told me something wasn’t right so I rang the vets,,,, low and behold...no appointment.

Didn’t see him Xmas Day/New Year (he wasn’t well) but he continued to keep in touch with me constantly (like FaceTime me before he went out to the pub) and said I was always welcome to let myself into his place anytime. THIS IS SO CONFUSING!! I tackled him about this issue and he acknowledges that he did ‘pull back’ but he loves me. He’s 38, his longest relationship is 12 months (when he was 20) and since then he’s had short relationships. He says that 8 months is a really long time for him to see someone.

He does have issues. Depression and is a chronic pot smoker (I don’t dabble but don’t mind what other people do). He has no family and can’t seem to look after himself (so he won’t clean up, shave etc) and he has lots of aches/pains. He works but when he’s not at work he’s lying about asleep/not well.

Things came to ahead last week. He’d let me down too many times and because of shift patterns we’d only being seeing each other every couple of weeks, plus he’d stopped texting me so much. When I did see him he was always feeling unwell and living in squalor. So I broke up with him. Started focusing on me and my needs.

And as with matters of the heart, things became complicated. He sent me a short message hoping I was ok. I did a lot of soul searching and realised that it takes 2 people to make a relationship work and that perhaps I was at fault in some things. In a nutshell, I missed him. So I suggested that we try again, from scratch. Build a new relationship- no lies, no games, no pulling back. Simply take things slow and learn to trust in each other’s love. He enthusiastically agreed, told me he loved me and missed me terribly.

So this morning I felt ready to see him in person. I texted him and suggested I pick him up from work later, that we could maybe get some chips and just enjoy each other’s company. No deep heavy conversations, just get reacquainted. I waited....and he responded with ‘I’d love to see you but my place is a mess. Don’t think that I’m making excuses I’d be embarrassed for you to come over’. I responded and said I respected his decision and left it at that. What on earth is going on? Am I being too demanding? Pushing things too quickly? Or is he simply toying with me? I feel totally rejected.

Please help!!! This is making me feel nuts!! He’s cranked up the contact, sending me loving messages etc ?

If you really want to be with him, go round and give him a hand getting his place sorted non judgementally?

Can you be bothered, though? And why help him sort his place out when he's the only one making a mess!

I think you'll find the weed is behind this lethargy.

Thanks for your response. I’ve never judged how he lives though I’m guilty of washing up/tidying when I go over. He always tells me to stop and that he doesn’t want me as his maid! He doesn’t even like me washing a cup but it means there’s literally nothing clean in his flat!

You are getting a lot of mixed messages so l am not surprised that you're confused. However, what struck me when reading your post is why do you want this guy? He is offering you so little and sounds a bit of a disaster. What do you see in him? I would consider looking for someone else because l don't think there's a future here.

Why are you at all involved with someone like this?.
His primary relationship is with weed, its not you and its never been you. He is also self medicating with weed too which is another red flag that you have really minimised here.

What do you get out of this?. Why are you at all tidying up after him?. Is this the sort of relationship you actually envisaged for yourself?.

He is not your project to try and improve nor can you rescue and or save him here from his own self and or demons.

Seriously, what do you see in this guy? I don't want to be rude, but are you desperate? He's a whinging, emotionally unavailable, messy, unhygienic, druggie who would rather be stoned, clearly isn't that interested and is unable to hold down a relationship. And he's knocking on 40.

Is this to do with your self esteem? That you're clinging on to this deadbeat like a drowning man with a life jacket?

Do read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Why is your relationship bar set so very low here that this person has got into your life in the first place?.

I would also read up on codependency in relationships and see how much if any of this fits in with your own behaviours.

Well I'm judging him and I don't know him!

Is this really where you set your bar? Honestly, he sounds like a druggy nightmare. Do you think this is what you should be settling for? He certainly doesn't care much for your feelings or indeed you. Dump him and find a decent bloke

He's got a mental health problem and he's got a chronic weed habit. Also, he's just not that into you really at all. You are clingy and you are insecure. Otherwise why would you be ringing Vet's offices to check on appointments.
Dump him. Dump him. Dump him. You can do better than this pothead with Zero commitment.
97% of this 'relationship' you are creating all on your own. He only has to do 3%. This relationship is going on in your head most of it. You had to nearly beg to be allowed to get into his flat and then make-believe that you are having a normal boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.
But for some reason, you seem to think 3% of commitment from him, that's good enough for you. He's a teen and your his mother.

Thank you all. My previous relationship was abusive and when I met this guy I lapped up his kindness.

I don’t understand this why would you bother? Just find someone who wants to see you. I’d be fucked if I’d go round his place and clear up.
I don’t know what else to say

This isn’t working. Kindness alone isn’t enough. I think the fact that you’ve come out of an abusive relationship has pushed you towards an equally dysfunctional relationship (just dysfunctional in a different way).

He isn’t giving you what you need. This should be the good bit. The beginning - before you live together and deal with the mundane stuff - is supposed to be the easiest part of a relationship ship. This is as good as it gets with him.

He may be nice, but you’re not compatible. It’s okay that you missed him and gave him another chance. He fell at the first hurdle.

Move on.

If he was really interested he could have tidied, he could have suggested going somewhere else, he could have tried, but he didn’t do anything.

This relationship is not for you, onwards and upwards! Have you looked into doing the Freedom Programme? It could help you see a good relationship from a bad one after being in an abusive relationship

What kindness? You say he wasn't even that interested in seeing you at the very start, he's just give you a key so you could go into his squalid home.

Honestly op, stop chasing this guy. He's not interested. He's interested in getting stoned and living in filth.

So...he's messy, dirty, lazy, a drug-user, distant etc but he STILL manages to get a woman to come round and service his needs? He's got it made, hasn't he? He has to make literally no effort at all and you still skip round.

Dump his dirty sorry arse immediately and do some serious work on your standards, because they are horrifically low.

I'd bet a pound to a penny that he had 'other arrangements' when you suggested getting chips. And he's cranking up the contact because you've backed off a bit and he's afraid he's going to lose his no-effort shag.

Just no OP, stop stringing yourself along, hes not interested in you. Actions speak louder than words and you deserve a partner who wants to spend time with you not be fobbing you off sending you the odd text.
Just move on and do some different things to meet other people. Dont be wasting any more of your time on this loser.

So he's a dirty druggie who can't be arsed to see you.

Raise your bloody standards OP

Your boundaries were skewed badly by your previous abusive relationship and not altogether surprisingly you are now in another abusive relationship.

You need to enrol yourself onto the freedom programme run by Women’s Aid

My previous relationship was abusive and when I met this guy I lapped up his kindness

Ah. Th classic "I escaped a level ten abuser, so this common or garden arsehole seems like a great partner" trap.

But he's not that great, is he? His "kindness" seems to amount to "giving me a key so he doesn't have to get up to open the door when I come round for sex and housework". He lies about where he is. He can hardly be arsed to call you. He has a drug problem and has no interest in addressing it.

Think about it. He cares so little about his relationship with you that tidying up before you come round is too much effort, so he'd rather you just didnt see each other. He could have suggested going out for a meal, a drink, a walk, coming to yours, but no - the only time he sees you is when it is zero effort for him and there is a strong chance of sex and/or housework. Why would he go to the pub with you? He wouldn't be allowed to smoke weed and he'd have to sit there and actually talk to you.

OP you may find it helpful to read the book 'Attached': without wishing to oversimplify, it sounds like he may have an avoidant attachment style and it could be that you have an anxious attachment style, which can result in that constant push-pull dynamic. You would be much better off with someone securely attached who will be open and reliable and able to give and receive love without clinging or pushing you away. Please don't settle for less!

Just leave him to it. He'll never put you first, given how he's in drugs.

There's no kindness whatsoever and no matter how you try to take things slowly, you'll end up being hurt. Walk away, you're worth more than this.

He's too stoned to see you. Probably paranoid and just wants to stay in his safe little bubble.

He IS very paranoid actually...says I shouldn’t have male friends. Gets aggressive a lot, mood swings and he twists everything I say. I’m crying as I type this...he makes me feel really bad about myself. I try standing my ground on things but he dismisses me/talks over me. He also gives me lots of ‘advice’ about everything and he always has to be ‘right’. If I’m COMPLETELY HONEST WITH MYSELF I am nervous and frightened near him, always worried about his moods. He is in my head 24/7 and I find myself lying about silly things because he won’t approve. I have no idea why I’m clinging to him, it’s like he has this power over me. I’ve even gotten out of bed in the middle of the night to help him. I just feel so low and ashamed and disgusted in myself.

Aww man, you need to just move on from this bloke. It's not normal for a man in his late thirties to have only had relationships lasting less than a year. Let that tell you something!
Your dignity means more to you than any man. So leave him to his squalor, pot-smoking and general absence of effort, and find someone worthy of you (you do sound great!). You are seriously flogging a dead horse, and will NOT be the one to change him. Good luck.

Op, just block him, do it now, just do it, before you can even think about it, delete him after you do it,

Honestly, I don't know what you're doing here, running after this arsehole.it really isn't a case that any man is better than no man. He's just another abuser you've found. Accept that and that it's now time to end this shit storm for good and claw back some of your dignity.

He’s not a good man. He’s not a kind man. He’s a controlling loser.

Don’t feel bad for falling for it - you fell for it because you are a kind and nice person, that’s not a bad thing to be. Keep your niceness, get rid of the loser.

Get on the freedom programme, it will help you avoid people like him.

You will be just fine. Mourn the relationship you thought it might be. It can’t ever be that, but that doesn’t mean you can’t feel sad about it. Block him and post here whenever you feel the urge to contact him