Hi All,
I’ll give a brief overview. After a tough year I met a guy about 8 months ago. It started well, he seemed lovely but I noticed that if was hard to get him to commit to making forward plans or spending much time with me. He’d keep in touch daily- he’d text me frequently but would never suggest seeing each other. He did say he was shy so I became a little bolder and would invite myself round to his. He gladly offered me a key and said I was welcome round his place anytime.
As time went on he started pulling back, becoming emotionally distant. He’d make excuses not to see me (and please be aware that I’m independent, not clingy- I just wanted to be able to see my boyfriend a couple of times a week!). He’d go out with friends but not me. Basically I pursued him. He’d keep in regular contact and say he missed me but he’d say he was too tired/ill for me to see him. I have my own house but he’s only been over twice in eight months! I’d invite him over but he’d come up with a reason- once he said he had a vets appointment and had to cancel seeing me. My gut told me something wasn’t right so I rang the vets,,,, low and behold...no appointment.
Didn’t see him Xmas Day/New Year (he wasn’t well) but he continued to keep in touch with me constantly (like FaceTime me before he went out to the pub) and said I was always welcome to let myself into his place anytime. THIS IS SO CONFUSING!! I tackled him about this issue and he acknowledges that he did ‘pull back’ but he loves me. He’s 38, his longest relationship is 12 months (when he was 20) and since then he’s had short relationships. He says that 8 months is a really long time for him to see someone.
He does have issues. Depression and is a chronic pot smoker (I don’t dabble but don’t mind what other people do). He has no family and can’t seem to look after himself (so he won’t clean up, shave etc) and he has lots of aches/pains. He works but when he’s not at work he’s lying about asleep/not well.
Things came to ahead last week. He’d let me down too many times and because of shift patterns we’d only being seeing each other every couple of weeks, plus he’d stopped texting me so much. When I did see him he was always feeling unwell and living in squalor. So I broke up with him. Started focusing on me and my needs.
And as with matters of the heart, things became complicated. He sent me a short message hoping I was ok. I did a lot of soul searching and realised that it takes 2 people to make a relationship work and that perhaps I was at fault in some things. In a nutshell, I missed him. So I suggested that we try again, from scratch. Build a new relationship- no lies, no games, no pulling back. Simply take things slow and learn to trust in each other’s love. He enthusiastically agreed, told me he loved me and missed me terribly.
So this morning I felt ready to see him in person. I texted him and suggested I pick him up from work later, that we could maybe get some chips and just enjoy each other’s company. No deep heavy conversations, just get reacquainted. I waited....and he responded with ‘I’d love to see you but my place is a mess. Don’t think that I’m making excuses I’d be embarrassed for you to come over’. I responded and said I respected his decision and left it at that. What on earth is going on? Am I being too demanding? Pushing things too quickly? Or is he simply toying with me? I feel totally rejected.
Please help!!! This is making me feel nuts!! He’s cranked up the contact, sending me loving messages etc ?