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Relationships

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Original poster

If he leaves how will it impact my child?

27 replies

DataGeek · 11/04/2019 23:19

Ex (father of DC) and I are discussing getting back together. He left when I was pregnant. We have been working towards forgiveness and have been seeing a therapist. I want to take him back and allow him to be part of our family but I’m concerned that he may just leave us again. He left when my child was just a month old and she’s coming up to 1. Could I give her abandonment issues if I take him back and he leaves again? My child had to come first in all of this so I want to make sure she is protected from any kind of fall out if he were to leave again. He says she’s too young to understand any of this and if we didn’t work out she’d be too young to feel any impact but I’m not so sure. Surely she will develop a strong attachment to my ex as he’s her father and if he were to leave even at 1 years of age that could be very damaging?

OP posts:

CupcakeDrama · 11/04/2019 23:29

Did he have contact with your child after he left?

Wolfiefan · 11/04/2019 23:30

Why did he leave? Are the issues resolved in any way?

FuriousVexation · 11/04/2019 23:32

Could I give her abandonment issues if I take him back and he leaves again?

Well yes obviously.

What behaviours has he changed to make things different this time?

Solasum · 11/04/2019 23:38

Whether you are together or not, she should develop an attachment to her father.

My ex and I split when I was pregnant, then drifted back together when my son was 1. It didn’t last. In truth, my ex is a much better part-time dad than he was a resident one. My son (now 5) knows he is very loved by his father. He also has a very calm, happy and peaceful home.

Make sure you are getting back together for the right reasons

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2019 23:39

Is he a constant, loving presence in her life all the time, regardless of where he lives?

lovinglifexo · 11/04/2019 23:42

I think it could easily cause problems for ur child.

But then if it happened again and you handled the situation correctly, it could honestly be fine!

Why do you want to take him back though ?

Sally2791 · 12/04/2019 04:28

If the issues which caused the break up are unresolved it's unlikely to work. He could be a good or bad Dad with or without you though

hellsbellsmelons · 12/04/2019 09:13

Do you love him?
Do you want to spend of your life with him?
Or are you considering this for your DD and having a family?
Because you are family enough.
You do not have to consider getting back together if it's not what YOU want!

Original poster

DataGeek · 12/04/2019 20:42

He’s seen her sporadically but not very often. He tells me he wants to make a fresh start and is sorry for just leaving. He left to be with someone else. It lasted a matter of weeks and then they split up. We haven’t been together in just over a year so I feel like I’ve had the time to process everything. The problem is when he leaves he really does leave and I may not hear from him for weeks on end.

I do love him very much and so want him back but I need some greater level of certainty he won’t just bugger off again. I’ve coped really well without him and worry that my life could be harder with him in it. I told him today that I need to take things snail pace slow and that if it wasn’t good enough for him so be it.

OP posts:

CupcakeDrama · 12/04/2019 20:52

tbh I think you should both just concentrate on your child than being in a relationship with each other. If when hes not with you he doesnt bother with his child well that doesnt bode well does it? why would you want to be with someone like that?

Lozzerbmc · 12/04/2019 21:50

I think its a worry that he said if we didnt work out your baby would be too young to know ... as if hes not sure. Are you planning to live together? You could take it slow and date and see what happens. I’d want to be sure i knew what had changed so i knew it wasnt just because last relationship ended...

category12 · 12/04/2019 22:04

It sounds like getting back together would be a huge mistake.

He cheated and left you for another woman. (He's likely to cheat again.)
He is crap at contact with his child. (This is awful, and it is not the case that you and your child come as a package and he only can be a father if you're in a relationship with him.)
He is dismissive about the effect his behaviour would have on a child.
He's clearly fucked off more than once if you're saying "when he leaves he really does leave and I may not hear from him for weeks on end."

You don't want a guy who does that in your life. You're stuck with him as the father of your child, but you don't have to give him the ability to really fuck you over by being in a relationship with him and him pissing off again. You don't need him. He's got nothing to recommend him.

NotStayingIn · 12/04/2019 22:08

Why would you want him back? Seriously? Don’t you think you deserve a bit better then this?

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 12/04/2019 23:41

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who didn't put their child first and do everything they could to maintain a relationship with them, regardless of any intimate adult relationships. He's even preemptively downplaying the impact of his flakiness on your DC. You both deserve better than him, anyone does

KOKOtiltomorrow · 12/04/2019 23:48

@DataGeek.....I do love him very much and so want him back but I need some greater level of certainty he won’t just bugger off again.

That is NEVER going to happen. It speaks volumes that you feel you need that. It should feel natural. Now do you think that certainty would look? I honestly think you are onto a hiding to nothing. Sorry.

Happynow001 · 13/04/2019 03:12

Are you his backup plan OP?
He left to be with someone else. It lasted a matter of weeks and then they split up. We haven’t been together in just over a year so I feel like I’ve had the time to process everything. The problem is when he leaves he really does leave and I may not hear from him for weeks on end.

He seems to have very little paternal feelings for his daughter.
He’s seen her sporadically but not very often.

He left when my child was just a month old and she’s coming up to 1. Could I give her abandonment issues if I take him back and he leaves again?

He says she’s too young to understand any of this and if we didn’t work out she’d be too young to feel any impact but I’m not so sure.
Does this sound like he loves or is at all committed long term to the emotional welfare of your daughter?

You may well still love him but is that really enough to put yourself back where you were a year ago? Perhaps concentrate on bringing up your daughter and co-parenting with him but not enmeshing yourself further.

BlackPrism · 13/04/2019 03:16

Is every accommodation you forgiving him? If so you're being a pathetic twat.

MsDogLady · 13/04/2019 04:40

@DataGeek, listen to @category12.

This man has basically ignored his little daughter for her whole life. There is no absolutely no excuse for his negligence. He is not devoted to her and has not been remotely concerned about her.

You know his unreliable track record. I wouldn’t risk my daughter’s emotional well-being by bringing him in.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 13/04/2019 08:25

Echoing other posters - this guy is a very bad bet.

Yiu need a regular contact schedule for him and his DD, and regular maintenance payments. This is the bare minimum - regardless of what else is going on in his life, who he is seeing, what his life looks like, he needs to stick to that.

If he can do this for say, six months to a year, you might be able to think about getting back together - not because he's "earned" it, but because he had demonstrated that, even if the relationship ends, your daughter will still have a committed father.

But these :
He says she’s too young to understand any of this and if we didn’t work out she’d be too young to feel any impact

Are the words of a man who already had one foot out of the door.

ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser · 13/04/2019 08:40

Do I recognise your post, did he also move abroad? Please don’t do this to you or your baby girl! He abandoned you AND your baby girl to shag another woman! He clearly doesn’t love either of you!

The fact he is playing down the impact on your baby girl shows how little he loves and cares for her!

YOU DESERVE BETTER!!

YOUR BABY DESERVES BETTER

Honestly you would be self sabotaging yourself and putting your little girl through unnecessary turmoil!

He can’t even commit to regular contact!

I would end any thoughts of a relationship! And stop all contact with your dd unless he commits to regular contact. Which he won’t! So tell him if he wants contact to take you to court!

Do you really value yourself this little?

Do you think you will teach your baby girl self value when you allow him to pick her up and drop her whenever her pleases because you love him?

MumsyJ · 13/04/2019 09:05

Rest assured he'll bugger off again.

Original poster

DataGeek · 13/04/2019 22:35

If we did try again it would be extremely slow and I wouldn’t allow him to move in with us. He’s well aware of this. I think his reasoning for telling me she wouldn’t be impacted is because I keep telling him my concerns about him leaving again. He promised he wouldn’t and I said what if he did how would it affect the baby. There is no excuse for him leaving us none, it was an incredibly selfish act on his behalf, so too is his contact with our daughter.

I am hoping we can date, slowly. I want him to have contact with my DD but without me being around. Posters are right; she is the priority, not he or I. I won’t allow him to spend time with both my daughter and I,l because I think that’s confusing for all of us.

And thanks @blackprism for calling me a pathetic twat what an incredibly nasty and spiteful thing to say. I hope it made you feel better though, there’s a word for people like you but I’m too nice to write such a thing.

OP posts:

Zerrin13 · 13/04/2019 23:00

I fear you are storing up much more heartache for yourself OP 😕

user1481840227 · 13/04/2019 23:08

I honestly don't know how you could see this ever ending up as a happy secure family unit.

He cheated on you and then didn't bother with your daughter at all.
I honestly think it's madness to give it a go and can't see how you could love someone who doesn't bother with their own child.

I would have zero interest in a man who only had sporadic contact with their child, even if it wasn't my child, in your situation I could have zero respect for this man at all.

MsDogLady · 13/04/2019 23:14

@DataGeek, at what point would you allow him to have contact without your presence? Surely not for a very long time. This is an unreliable, untrustworthy man who has had no desire to bond with his daughter.

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