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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it normal to never want another relationship?

48 replies

JK1773 · 11/04/2019 19:57

I’m wondering whether what I have in my life and what I am happy with is ‘normal’ (whatever that is). Or am I still somehow stuck in a recovery from my previous relationships.

I’m 44. Not had many LTRs. The main one of 7 years ended when I was 40. I stayed too long. His behaviour was very odd at times. He tried to control me throughout. Worked to an extent. His parents were horribly abusive. I was isolated from my family etc. Glad to be out of it.

When I was 41/42 had a relationship of about 10 months. He seemed lovely, it was easy going, relaxed and fun. Until he dumped me totally out of the blue in one of the worst ways ever.

I’m not a relationship expert by any means. I had a 3 year relationship in my late teens, several flings over the years, none of which lasted more than a few months. I’ve spent long periods of my adulthood single.

Added into the mix I was raped when I was in my early 20s by someone who I trusted. At the time and in a mess I went straight into a short lived relationship with a horribly abusive man who stalked me afterwards.

This all sounds awful but I’m ok, genuinely. But at 44 people say I shouldn’t give up looking. But I can’t bear the thought of a relationship. I’m happy as I am, I have a great job, good friends etc. I have my routines that keep me sane after the stress of work (not OCD type) just things I do on certain nights with friends. I can’t imagine how a partner would fit in and I think I’d resent it. I’d hate someone else imposing on my ‘me’ time and in my home.

Is this normal? One friend thinks I’ve had such a shit time I’ve effectively shut down any possiblity of meeting anyone or that I’m still ‘recovering’. That’s not how it feels to me though. The thought of a relationship doesn’t scare me at all, I just very genuinely can’t be arsed Confused

OP posts:
TroysMammy · 11/04/2019 20:01

If I found myself single again I wouldn't bother with looking to be in a relationship. I'd get a couple of cats.

dronesdroppingzopiclone · 11/04/2019 20:03

Of course it's normal! Far too many people put up with total shit because society tells them they have to be in a relationship or looking for one or they're weird or abnormal.

Original poster
JK1773 · 11/04/2019 20:07

Yes people tend to think I’m sad or lonely. They feel sorry for me I think. I’d have loved a family, that’s my one regret but I don’t dwell on it. I love my freedom

OP posts:
Turniptracker · 11/04/2019 20:10

It's absolutely up to you how you want to live your life, don't ever let society pressure you into behaving a certain way or living a certain life! If you don't want another relationship please don't even waste the energy worrying about it. Use that blessed time with people you genuinely care about, doing things you love, trying new things and generally just enjoying life.

Orange6904 · 11/04/2019 20:51

I think so, look at the this board, puts your off for life! The men I have met have put me right off.

Bemusedagain · 11/04/2019 20:54

I’d never have another relationship. Way too much hard work

Weejo39 · 11/04/2019 21:01

I too am 44 and could have written your post almost verbatim! Except for the fact I have a young pre schooler from an abusive relationship that lasted 3 years. My last relationship of 18 months or so ended in Feb. But I seriously can't be arse either. Not sure whether I have room in my life or headspace for a partner. Don't get me wrong I'm very happy. It's others that have more of an issue with it.

KOKOtiltomorrow · 11/04/2019 21:07

@TroysMammy.....Lol, that's what I did. Now also thinking of a rescue dog. Giving my love, affection and money to a living creature that will appreciate it, make very few demands of me and let me cuddle up when I want.

OP....go for it I say!

Thatnovembernight · 11/04/2019 21:23

You mention more than once how happy you are in your life so I’d say you’ve already hit the jackpot! You deserve it too - what an awful time you’ve had. Maybe you’re in recovery. Maybe you’ll meet someone worth making room for in your life. Maybe you’ll just carry on happily, exactly as you are. Just keep doing what you’re doing!

FuriousVexation · 11/04/2019 23:54

FUCK YES. I would rather poke barbeed wire in my arms than get in another relationship

dronesdroppingzopiclone · 12/04/2019 00:17

Just trawl the Relationships and AIBU board for a refresher of some of the utter shite some people put up with just to be in a relationship. There are some real corkers on there.

Sally2791 · 12/04/2019 04:23

Perfectly normal. You're happy and after what you've been through its not surprising you are wary of relationships. Enjoy your life!

RiversDisguise · 12/04/2019 07:37

Normal.

If my marriage ends I will try to find a couple of nice men who are good in bed, and meet them when I feel like it.

Nc1548 · 12/04/2019 07:48

There is no such thing as normal. You are settled and happy, who cares what anyone else thinks?

DocusDiplo · 12/04/2019 07:56

I would like to be like this! I am quite sure I would be happy single if I did not gave kids. Without a partner kids dominate my life too much - need a significant adult around.

I want a partner ... But not the hassle & heartache of finding one!

megrichardson · 12/04/2019 08:06

I am not interested in another relationship either, OP. There must be nice men around, it's just that, for whatever reason, I am not attracted to them or they are not attracted to me. Or maybe I am too fussy/difficult/whatever.
I have no intention of meeting someone, getting to know them, both of us deciding to have a proper relationship and then gradually once again I notice that he is tight/abusive/an arsehole.

It's actually a huge relief to have decided to be happily alone.

springandsummertime · 12/04/2019 08:08

Well, you will get lots of people saying how great being single is but I find it quite lonely personally. I love cats but the idea that a cat is remotely comparable to a loving partner is laughable.

Pinkmonkeybird · 12/04/2019 09:23

There's nothing wrong in not wanting another relationship at all. If you are happy with your life as it is, then it is no body else's business. It's totally normal.

I've been single 6 months now and at this point in time I have no intention on embarking onto another relationship. I've had friends say I should be dating again by now, but I'm not interested in getting myself out there, plus my life is quite busy as it is. I also have a number of friends who have admired how I've handled things and have said that if their marriage/relationship failed now, they wouldn't bother with another one themselves. Some people find being single lonely and some (like me) think it is liberating! I feel like I have got my life back on track now and it is wonderful! I've not ruled out meeting someone in the future, if it happens it happens, but I'm not interested in using dating sites etc.

springandsummertime · 12/04/2019 09:59

After six months? Grin

Try twenty years and see how liberating you find it!

weleasewoderick22 · 12/04/2019 10:09

I've been married twice to abusive men, but I've learned my lesson! No more relationships for me thanks, I've been single for 10 years now and it's so much better.

Clutterbugsmum · 12/04/2019 10:09

My mum was 43/44 when my parents divorced after 25 of marriage and she will be 70 next month and is happy by herself. There's very little which she can't do by/for herself.

Clutterbugsmum · 12/04/2019 10:12

springandsummertime

I agree about it can be lonely but I think it depends on the type of person you are my mum doesn't need people around her and I'm the same. But I can see for example my friend wouldn't like it as she needs people around her.

Pinkmonkeybird · 12/04/2019 10:24

@springandsummertime

I wouldn't judge so quickly. I've been a single parent in the past for 8 years and also found that liberating. It really is each to their own.

isthismylifenow · 12/04/2019 10:38

I think the feelings are normal. Well that's because I had them. Divorced a year but separated 4 years prior to that.

There are always those people who cannot understand why you would prefer to be single, and to be honest i was fed up replying when people asked when was I going to start dating again. As the reply would just be never.

Its a mindset that I was in, that I had no intention of trying to date, meeting anyone etc etc. My thoughts involved around what will i do with my time when I am retired, would I move countries to live near my dc, not at one time in any of my thinkings did i consider a partner to be there by my side. ( I am only in my 40s so this is how long term i was thinking).

But sometimes things dont work out like that and very unexpectedly I met someone, someone I knew from many years ago but had lost contact. Its been near on a year now that we have been seeing one another but I admit at times it is quite difficult for me. He is amazing and I do think that he is very very patient with me, as I have been rather non committal. But I am slowly coming out of that headspace now and think that perhaps its a good thing.

I think though, that the longer you are single, the more independent you become, and i dont think that i would change my current situation for just anybody.

sassandfaff · 12/04/2019 12:08

I met my eldest dc's dad at 18. Together almost 9 years. Had 1 year single and then met DH. 17 years together this year.

There is no way I would have another live in relationship if we divorce. No chance.
I could envisage a situation where I might meet someone by chance (I wouldn't actively try to date) and like them enough to go for drinks/meals or cinema....but live together? God no.

And I can't say I'm all that bothered about the meeting anyone by chance. It's way too much compromising and emotionally draining.

The fastest growing singles are women in their 50s and 60s. I think collectively a lot of women have had enough and no longer see being in a relationship as beneficial.