Is it normal to never want another relationship?

[JK1773]

I’m wondering whether what I have in my life and what I am happy with is ‘normal’ (whatever that is). Or am I still somehow stuck in a recovery from my previous relationships.

I’m 44. Not had many LTRs. The main one of 7 years ended when I was 40. I stayed too long. His behaviour was very odd at times. He tried to control me throughout. Worked to an extent. His parents were horribly abusive. I was isolated from my family etc. Glad to be out of it.

When I was 41/42 had a relationship of about 10 months. He seemed lovely, it was easy going, relaxed and fun. Until he dumped me totally out of the blue in one of the worst ways ever.

I’m not a relationship expert by any means. I had a 3 year relationship in my late teens, several flings over the years, none of which lasted more than a few months. I’ve spent long periods of my adulthood single.

Added into the mix I was raped when I was in my early 20s by someone who I trusted. At the time and in a mess I went straight into a short lived relationship with a horribly abusive man who stalked me afterwards.

This all sounds awful but I’m ok, genuinely. But at 44 people say I shouldn’t give up looking. But I can’t bear the thought of a relationship. I’m happy as I am, I have a great job, good friends etc. I have my routines that keep me sane after the stress of work (not OCD type) just things I do on certain nights with friends. I can’t imagine how a partner would fit in and I think I’d resent it. I’d hate someone else imposing on my ‘me’ time and in my home.

Is this normal? One friend thinks I’ve had such a shit time I’ve effectively shut down any possiblity of meeting anyone or that I’m still ‘recovering’. That’s not how it feels to me though. The thought of a relationship doesn’t scare me at all, I just very genuinely can’t be arsed

You're never lonely when you love the one you live with (self) :)

My mum is 58 - she's had two LTR (one marriage - 19 yrs, my dad and one 10 year relationship) both which ended badly. She's been single for nearly 10 years and has zero interest meeting someone new. She's super happy with work, friends, having the TV to herself and her pets and grandson.

I'm exactly the same OP.
Just don't need the hassle.
Have lovely family and friends and a hobby I love.
I just cannot be bothered and really don't see the point.
I love my single life.

Agree. Too much hard work for very little return.

I like being able to do what I want when I want to and not be so stressed all the time about taking care of someone else.

If you're happy, then that's what matters.

So many people seem obsessed with being in live-together relationships and sticking them out and making them work even when they're awful, but being on your own has a lot to recommend it.

I'm terrified of something "serious", I really like being the captain of my own ship as such.

Once I extricate myself from my shitty marriage, it’ll be curtains for me regarding relationships.

FWB maybe if the opportunity arose but I wouldn’t actively look for it.

I don’t have the emotional resources to pour into what would likely be another abusive relationship (and that’s more about me and my bad relationship patterns than men as a whole) and I don’t want to potentially subject my kids to that, so I’ll stick with Singledom and be happy.

I’ve been extremely lonely within relationships and I think being single will actually be liberating because I won’t be waiting for somebody else to provide me with something they are incapable of providing.

Some great feedback here, thank you. I don’t feel being older and single is as stigmatised as it used to be but there is a bit still out there.
I do love my life. I’m am very lucky in that respect. I’d love a rescue dog but my work means I can’t sadly.
Thank you all for your views

After my last relationship broke down, I made the decision to stay single as I just didn't want the heartbreak and/or aggravation anymore. That was almost 15 years ago and I don't regret it. I am so much more together mentally and emotionally, and while I may not get quite the same emotional highs. I don't get the inevitable lows either. My career has gone so much better since then too, and I enjoy the freedom of doing whatever I want without having to compromise. It has probably made me a little selfish but as a natural people-pleaser, learning to be a little selfish isn't necessarily a bad thing.

As you have not got the pressure of wanting children, just carry on as you are as you seem quite happy. One day you might meet someone who you are happy with, but I think from what you say, you need some time without a relationship.

I’m 46 and been single 5 years now. Very happy single and I think I would seriously struggle to be in a relationship again.

Nothing wrong being single, and happily single.

If my relationship ended theough divorce or death id never have another relationship im 37 my husband would probably be in one in a month

Don't blame you.
If I become single, I'd never get involved again. I'd get 2 cats from a rescue.

I'm 45 and have been single for the last decade, after a short and horrible marriage that at least provided me with a wonderful dd. I do sometimes think I should make an effort to find someone, but mostly I'm not that bothered. It would be quite nice if, like in isthismylifenow's case, somebody just turned up who was too great to turn away.

After 2 marriages and being a widow, the thought of cohabiting again is horrific. I am sleeping so deeply. That alone is amazing. I can decide what's important to me. I don't have to listen to work anecdotes, or tell any.

I'm enthusiastically pursuing sex but they don't enter my house.

So what if you are still in recovery? that's normal. it doesn't mean you can't live. I still sometimes find myself full of joy that I'm no longer with my first husband, and we divorced 18 years ago.

I've come to the conclusion that you have to love yourself and be comfortable with yourself first, Build a complete and fulfilling life. Get into a place where you don't need someone else so that when someone does come into your life they will compliment and improve what you already have rather than spend time looking for someone to complete your life or give you the perfect life.

I still sometimes find myself full of joy that I'm no longer with my first husband, and we divorced 18 years ago.

I love that, (actually your whole post). It's a great feeling, and I'm glad it's likely to continue so long.

@JK1773
I’m happy as I am, I have a great job, good friends etc.
This ^^

There are worse things than being happy single, enjoying an unencumbered life but with good friends.

Don't feel you have to put yourself out there to conform to other people's ideas of how your life should be. If what you have works for you then relax into it.

Enjoy the things YOU like to do and just be yourself. 🌹🍷

You sound completely normal to me, JK.

My last relationship ended a couple of years ago and I have ne desire for a new one.

Like you, I have a lovely life, I am lucky to have a son, I have a home and a career. Lots of things I like to do. There’s no room in my life for someone new.
I’ve never been frightened of not being half of a couple so why add someone who would only disrupt a happy settled life.

I’d not worry about it if you are happy.

I can understand how you feel. I'm only in my 30s but if my marriage failed (and it's been rocky recently) I've decided that i really wouldn't be interested in another relationship. Even the men that seem decent turn out to be men-children or just idiots. I think a lot of my friends put up with idiots because they want the wedding and a baby. I'm really motivated to make my marriage work but if I didnt I wouldn't expose my daughter to another idiot from the pile. You've got a nice life as is and if the right person comes along they may change how you feel but I dont blame you for not actively seeking another relationship.

You couldn't pay me enough money to get into anything beyond a casual, no strings 'purely for sex' relationship. I am in my 40s and have been effectively single for most of my life. To be perfectly honest, its my preferred state. I even had a child by myself in my late 30s using a donor.

It is bliss. No compromising, full control, no arguments... I get to do what I want all of the time (around child). No in laws to deal with, no compromising parenting decisions.

You are perfectly normal OP.

I think if I wasn’t married would I want another relationship and I think no. I know for a fact I would be fine with that. I do love and care for dh but I think men actually most of the time need ‘looking after’. Some have hang ups, temper issues, low self esteem and so it goes on and you get to a point when you can’t be arsed tending to that.

If you’ve come to terms with not having a family then I’d say you are in a very privileged place. Too many women in their late 30s and early 40s panic and ‘settle’ just to be able to have a husband and children.

I think if you can be genuinely happy and fulfilled as a singleton then that puts you in the strongest possible place. Highly likely to meet someone great but with no air of desperation about you and an unwillingness to compromise yourself.

They say the best things come along when you aren’t really looking for them. How great it is to be able to say it doesn’t really matter either way.

What a great, empowering thread. I was widowed 5 years ago at 33 and have often considered just opting out of relationships. I loved my husband but I could see how the niggles would get worse with time..

Currently dating but with the certain knowledge that with my work, kids, friends, home and of course cats - I'm fine on my own