Advice please... feeling anxious

[Dreaming28]

Hi everyone... first time posting here. I feel a bit silly tbh but I need some advice. I have been in a controlling/abusive relationship before which ended in physical abuse before I found the strength to leave.

I've been with my fiance for 3 years and we have a little boy together & my daughter from a previous previous abusive relationship 7 years ago. He's always made a point of telling me he has been cheated on in the past etc but I just took that as perhaps he was a bit insecure and I'd always reassure him.

I started a new job in Jan after working hard for 4 years at uni and looking after the kids too. I love my job and I am so proud of what I've achieved. There is an onsite gym at work which I have joined as it's cheap and easy to get to. OH has expressed he does not want me to attend any mixed gender classes with work mates because I wouldn't like it if it was him doing that... what? Also in the past there have been comments made about certain tops that are lower cut let's say... not at all tacky or revealing but not a polar neck. "Its disrespectful" to wear things like that. Also if I go out with the girls I feel like I have to be home at a reasonable time or I feel this overwhelming anxious gut feeling it's awful. He will also text me throughout the night out. He says I should tell him everything.

Work are arranging a big get together as there are around 40 in the office and they regularly have work days out every 6 months or so. I'm dreading telling him. But I don't want to be the only one who can't go because my partner has a problem.

He has also started to make digs at me if ever I reply to group messages which I'm in with a few girls from uni and my 2 best girl mates from high school. I don't do anything to make him think I'm up to something. I never hide my phone and he does know the passcode anyway but I don't think he's ver been onto my phone.

I love him so much and we are planning our wedding for next year. But I have a little voice in the back of my head asking me if I am sure this is ok.

Any advice would be great please x

He's got issues. My ex is also very jealous and controlling and little by little I altered my behaviour so as not to spark jealousy but he would get jealous sometimes in the most unlikely ways. If there is no trust there is no relationship and unless he puts 24/7 surveillance on you, it'll continue to get worse. Speak to him and tell him that you love him and have no intention of cheating but he needs to trust you or it will kill the love you have for him. He probably needs counselling.

Could he have a key logger on your phone? Or is it synced to a tablet or computer so he can see all of the messages?

He is showing a controlling/jealous/possessive side which is giving off red flags 🚩 everywhere. You should be able to talk to your friends freely! And go out with them without fear or anxiety! A check in to say hey! got here safely, will let you know when I am on my way home:). On my way home! Done. None of this constant barrage of texts while on a night out. It’s ridiculous.

You get to wear whatever the hell you want! Revealing shirts, shorts skirts, mumoos, tight dresses, jeans, suits, bikinis or one pieces! Your body, your choice! Now, if he said that style didn’t complement you, he loved xyz style better that may be ok as long as it wasn’t a burka style and covered you from head to toe. I hope that made sense! Now if he wars I gotta you that your nips were showing through or you could see your ass crack, again, different scenario😁. But that isn’t the case here! He is trying to control what you wear so you don’t attract guys🙄. He is, instead, pushing you away by his possessive, jealous, controlling behaviour.
I also wouldn’t be surprised if he has a tracker on your phone. If you have an iPhone you can follow you using find my friends. Super easy to set up and easy to use without the other person even realizing it. Not sure about other phones.

Go to Woman’s Aide and talk with them about his behaviour. Figure out an exit plan and start to execute it. Please, don’t stay with him. Get counselling to help you figure out what’s healthy relationship is. This isn’t one!

He has shown you who he is, believe him.

Run away now!!!
This is controlling and abusive behaviour.
Don't allow this for yourself.
What would you advise your DD in this situation when she's older!?
You'd tell her it's not normal and she should leave.
Please do the same for yourself and your DC.
This will never improve.
You will start to adjust your behaviour.

Stop going out as much.
This is just beginning.
Get out before it gets far far worse.

After one abusive relationship, if you didn't do it, then I suggest you call Womens Aid and enrole on their Freedom Programme.
You need to spot all these red flags far sooner and take action to protect yourself and your DC.

Please make this real and talk to someone in real life about all of this.

Sadly I think you went from one abusive relationship into another one albeit of a different stripe but abusive all the same. He targeted you OP also because your boundaries from that previous relationship were skewed from that. He probably saw in you a strong woman but with a shaky sense of self worth and saw you as a challenge to bring down.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up. I have the feeling you learnt a lot of damaging lessons on relationships because you are now in another abusive relationship. This is no coincidence.

Are you really confusing love here with codependency; in all likelihood you are. What is there to love about this individual exactly; a man who wants to know everything about your life and details of everyone that you come into contact with. He wants you in a cage and currently he has you trapped in one of his own paranoid making.

If you marry him next year this will be a further error of judgment on your part. Would you want your son to treat a woman like this in a relationship, no you would not. Your daughter is growing up seeing you as her mother being controlled by this man. Currently you are showing your kids that your man's behaviours towards you are still acceptable to you on some level.

You certainly cannot marry him now, this relationship is anyway over because of his controlling behaviours which stem from abuse. Abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute over you and in turn any children you have.

As hellsbells wrote above do enrol yourself now onto the Freedom programme run by Womens Aid and plan your exit now from this relationship with due care.

Unfortunately such men like you describe do not willingly if at all go to counselling. This is likely to be learnt behaviour on his part, he probably saw his dad treat his mother the self same when he was a child and such attitudes are deeply ingrained within his own psyche.

You cannot save him but you can and should save your own self here from a worse fate. Listen to that little voice in your head, that is your conscious telling you that what is happening to you and in turn your children here is wrong.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to me. You're all right. I think in my head I know this behaviour is not acceptable but my heart wishes things were different. I shouldn't feel guilty for seeing my friends because he says he doesn't speak to his now as he would rather spend time with me. I'm worried about talking to him but I know I need to tell him that I'm a stronger person than he thinks.

I don't want to leave him. That's the biggest problem. I'm so stressed

He says he doesn't speak to his now as he would rather spend time with me.

God, but that's so unhealthy and suffocating.

Jealousy and possessiveness like this are not because he loves you so much - it's about control.

If you're not ready to leave, you must stop pandering to any of it.
Don't reassure him, wear what you like, speak to who you like including men, go to mixed classes etc. Tell him directly that his jealousy or "insecurity" is unacceptable and isn't going to rule your lives. He needs to go and get help if he cannot get over his past relationship. If he won't or he doubles down on his behaviour, you have your answer.

I'm sorry but I think you've got yourself a level 7 abuser after having a level 10. Postpone the wedding, don't go ahead with it unless you see an absolute sea-change in him that lasts over months and years, not a few weeks effort. .

You are yet again in another abusive relationship. Your ONLY option is to leave him, and if you have the best interests of your children at heart, you will. His abuse and controlling behaviour is only going to get worse and you know it. You've already lived through this before, why would you do it again?

So we had a talk and I expressed my concern with all of the things I've spoken about on here. There was no shouting it was all very calm. But basically I feel really guilty now. He does so much for us and he doesn't really go anywhere. He doesn't go the gym after work cause he wants to get home to be with me and the kids and thinks it'd be selfish if he did go the gym. He said that if the relationship ends it won't be his fault as he's done everything he can to put us first... I don't know how I feel right now.

But it's really dysfunctional to give up everything and shrink your world down to the relationship, it's not healthy.

Healthy is a balance of seeing friends, going to the gym, having other things going on in your life as well.

He's doing a number on you, making you feel guilty and like you're ungrateful.

It's not grand passion and love here, it's smothering possession.

You're right. I know you're right. I just feel stuck. Where do I go from here? He basically was saying he was pouring his heart out to me and i just sat there numb looking at the wall like a naughty child while he reeled off all the reasons why he's so wonderful

So my ex was like this. He kept in touch with none of his friends, had no pastimes or hobbies except prostitutes but increasingly tried to control me. I finally ignored his requests for me not to go out with the baby, excessive calling/txts, ranting, complaining about spending (my) money on a top from F&F. Did a complete turn around. Stopped informing him with an endless blow by blow account of my day, who we saw, what we talked about. I got a PT when DS 6 months old and he did his best to vetto my planned sessions. So I got the house valued, then on the market and sold it. Dont marry him OP. He will only get worse. Find your inner strength and then this around. He may just start being reasonable, but I doubt it.

Please don’t feel guilty, you have nothing to feel guilty for.

He has made his choices and making you feel guilty is another way of controlling you.

What do you want to happen next OP? If he won’t change, and abusers rarely do, where do you stand?

You should be so proud of all you’ve achieved, you don’t have to put up with this.

Does it actually make you happy that he doesn't speak to friends or go to the gym? If someone gave you a straitjacket and lead lined boots at the water's edge, and said look I'm doing it, for you, isn't it great, aren't I wonderful, put them on... What he's doing isn't for you, it's for his own screwed up reasons.

If I were you, I would start looking at your options to leave. It's no good for you. It'll escalate. Are you working, what is the housing situation?

I'm not happy with how things are at the minute that's for sure. I'm 4 months into my dream job where in a few months I will be earning more than him. It's something I worked so hard for and spend the last 4 years at uni as a mature student. The house we live in is his house his mortgage, I moved in 2 years ago he's lived here 5.

Just because he says something it doesn't make it true. He will be the one responsible for the breakdown of the relationship due to his possessiveness but he will never accept that or possibly see it. But that's not your problem but his.
Its totally normal and healthy to have your own life and friends. It's good for both of ye and healthy for your children too. You need to make changes and remember you are doing nothing wrong. But don't expect him to agree as his thinking is warped.
Maybe take one small step by going to the work do. You don't need his permission. Don't get into a big explanation. Just keep saying l am going as its important to me. If he refuses to babysit get a babysitter.
Obviously if he is apt to be violent in any way do not do this but get out of the relationship.
Maybe you could go to counselling on your own . Also he probably will up the ante if he feels he is losing control.
You have come a long way getting your degree, job etc. Getting free of his dictating your life is next.

Id say get your ducks in a row and start looking for properties to rent. Do you give him money toward the mortgage? Bills?
You've done so well to get to where you are, not let him ruin this.

So financially, you're in a good position to go it alone.

I know that feeling of a lecture. You've only just spoke to him about it, give yourself space from him to let it sink in whats actually happening. His 'pouring his heart out to you' is designed to make you feel guilty. It's all about his needs. Pathetic. Don't let him carry on lecturing you, please listen to the advice on here.

My ex started like this .... he soon became jealous of everything - my success st work , my friends , my family , everything.

Over the years he tried to destroy everything I had. He's managed to ruin me financially but that's about it.
I'd think twice if I were you OP

Thank you all so much. It's so difficult to try and stay strong when hes so convincing. I give him my whole wage every month bar about £300 which I use for petrol and food at work. I told him I wont be doing this anymore I will give my share and that's that but he said he never asked for the full amount anyway that was my idea and if that's the case we will never have enough money to move house (2 bed currently so will need a 3 cause of DS and DD ages)

What does he do with all your wages?

It's not selfish to do things outside of the relationship OP. Going to the gym doesn't mean you are a bad partner.
Please don't get married until you have clear boundaries of what you consider acceptable behaviour and have discussed this with him, because at the moment his behaviour doesn't sound good.
Comments about what you are wearing other than saying you look lovely are out of order, you are an adult and don't need his permission. Making you feel guilty about going to the gym is out of order. We are all different, just because he doesn't want to go out or do things it doesn't make it wrong. Luckily you are in a good position and can say "no" now. If you accept controlling behaviour it will only escalate.

You know the answer yourself don't you. You need to leave him