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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice please... feeling anxious

47 replies

Dreaming28 · 11/04/2019 11:26

Hi everyone... first time posting here. I feel a bit silly tbh but I need some advice. I have been in a controlling/abusive relationship before which ended in physical abuse before I found the strength to leave.

I've been with my fiance for 3 years and we have a little boy together & my daughter from a previous previous abusive relationship 7 years ago. He's always made a point of telling me he has been cheated on in the past etc but I just took that as perhaps he was a bit insecure and I'd always reassure him.

I started a new job in Jan after working hard for 4 years at uni and looking after the kids too. I love my job and I am so proud of what I've achieved. There is an onsite gym at work which I have joined as it's cheap and easy to get to. OH has expressed he does not want me to attend any mixed gender classes with work mates because I wouldn't like it if it was him doing that... what? Also in the past there have been comments made about certain tops that are lower cut let's say... not at all tacky or revealing but not a polar neck. "Its disrespectful" to wear things like that. Also if I go out with the girls I feel like I have to be home at a reasonable time or I feel this overwhelming anxious gut feeling it's awful. He will also text me throughout the night out. He says I should tell him everything.

Work are arranging a big get together as there are around 40 in the office and they regularly have work days out every 6 months or so. I'm dreading telling him. But I don't want to be the only one who can't go because my partner has a problem.

He has also started to make digs at me if ever I reply to group messages which I'm in with a few girls from uni and my 2 best girl mates from high school. I don't do anything to make him think I'm up to something. I never hide my phone and he does know the passcode anyway but I don't think he's ver been onto my phone.

I love him so much and we are planning our wedding for next year. But I have a little voice in the back of my head asking me if I am sure this is ok.

Any advice would be great please x

OP posts:

Coronapop · 13/04/2019 08:17

Sort out the finances just in case......you should not be giving him your earnings.

category12 · 13/04/2019 08:23

he said he never asked for the full amount anyway that was my idea and if that's the case we will never have enough money to move house

You're perfectly capable of saving money for moving (not that you should with him). No reason for him to be in charge of it. What emotionally blackmailing rubbish.

ElspethFlashman · 13/04/2019 08:28

Oh god, this is bad.

So he's hoarding all your money? In "savings"? You'll never see any of it again, that's for sure. You've just gifted him most of 3 months wages. Oh dear.

You need to put on a parachute here. For yourself and your kids. You need to start saving an emergency deposit fund.

You are clearly an intelligent woman, but very much a boiled frog. You fail to see the signs of possession and within 3 years of dating you have gone from independance to moving your child into his house, giving him all your money and having another child with him, and walking on eggshells. It all happened WAY too fast and you ignored too many niggles along the way.

The minute a bloke banged on about being cheated on, I'd have been wary. These things are upsetting at the time, but should not be brought into the next relationship.

The minute a bloke mentioned my top being disrespectful, I'd have thought in the next minute of ending the relationship.

These are not healthy things to say, and it hints that the bloke isn't that healthy, psychologically.

8FencingWire · 13/04/2019 08:31

OP, he is abusing you.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to spend time together as a couple/family. And 9/10 takes precedent over seeing friends etc, because..well, it’s life, you’re sharing.
But having chills at the thought you’ll have to tell him you want to network with your colleagues...that’s fucked up.

Wanting to go to the gym/classes is perfectly normal, him telling you not to join mixed classes is, again, fucked up.

He is not a nice guy sacrificing himself for you. He’s a controlling abusive man.

User457990033gYpovd7 · 13/04/2019 08:42

Tell him he'll have to get a 3-bed place of his own for when he has DC on his access visits!

As PPs have said start getting your paperwork etc together. Get yourself and your DCs out of this situation asap. If you can't do it for yourself then do it for your children who deserve to grow up in a carefree and living environment and not a toxic one.

ElspethFlashman · 13/04/2019 08:45

He wouldn't need to go anywhere, he owns that 2 bedroom house. And the eldest child isn't his, so in the event of a split he wouldn't need 3 bedrooms. So he would stay put.

Original poster

Dreaming28 · 13/04/2019 15:16

I feel sick to my stomach. This is the hardest thing I think I've ever done. I feel so guilty because he's never laid a finger on me. I've told him I don't know what I want moving forward and he's got upset and gone out. He said he's devastated and doesn't know what he'll do. I feel so evil. I didn't want to hurt him but I'm so unhappy. He just doesn't see what the issue is at all. He said all this because you want to go out more and go to the gym. You're willing to throw everything away what we have built just for that. I'm so sad

OP posts:

JK1773 · 13/04/2019 15:21

OP I know it’s really difficult but you can’t let him cloud what you know to be true. He’s controlling you, you know this. Don’t fall for his emotional blackmail. When I realised my ex was doing this to me I stayed another 6 years. Years wasted. Don’t make my mistake. It just gets worse and worse

AventaRizon · 13/04/2019 15:47

You need to put your own happiness before others. You can't spend your life miserable because you don't want to upset him.

Don't fall for his emotional blackmail

^ This. And whatever you do, don't marry him.

BumbleBeee69 · 13/04/2019 15:57

Wow... He's a manipulating passive aggressive bastard.. get out of there OP.

DointItForTheKids · 13/04/2019 16:00

Next he'll be threatening to top himself OP - and it'll all be bollocks. The going off in a devastated huff is just acting and manipulation to get you to back off.

I'm sorry to say this isn't developing into an abusive relationship, it already is an abusive relationship. Financial control, control of your time and social life, guilt tripping you that he's done xyz for you whilst you're wanting to go off 'galavanting' with other people.

You need to get YOUR savings out NOW and start preparing to leave. I know it's not what you want to hear but it will only get worse - not being hit is a pretty low bar to decide whether to stay! You're becoming powerful and independent and any normal person would be proud of you and pleased for you not trying to hold you back and curtail you.

STOP being nice, stick up for yourself, get shot.

category12 · 13/04/2019 16:04

All this ... because he's controlling and jealous.

Note that he's taking no responsibility, nor examining his own behaviour, nor considering change. It doesn't matter than you're unhappy, he just wants you to fall into line. Abuse is not just hitting people, emotional abuse and coercive control are abuse too.

MsDogLady · 13/04/2019 17:11

But of course it isn’t just because of the gym. It is his abusive, controlling attitude and behavior.

He sounds like a narcissist and he is using you as his narcissistic supply/extension.

Do these characteristics of a narcissist seem familiar? He violates your boundaries, and feels entitled to own your time and attention. His wants and needs are primary, and he expects you to sacrifice yours to comply with his often unreasonable demands. He doesn’t see you as a separate person, and discourages your pursuit of hobbies, interests, and social connections. He demands over-transparency. If you question him, push back, or express hurt, he becomes hostile and dismissive, never apologizing. He is adept at manipulating you to feel guilty.

You need to leave him before you become totally reduced and diminished. Exposing your children to this toxic dynamic is harmful and is a terrible model for their future relationships.

Original poster

Dreaming28 · 13/04/2019 21:06

Well I'm currently sat on my mums sofa feeling very sorry for myself. DS is tucked up in bed fast asleep and DH is away til tomorrow so has no idea anything has changed. OH still went out this afternoon to watch football at the pub even though I was in a state. I thought he may of at least cancelled to try and fight for me... obviously worth a lot less than I thought I was. Sorry I'm having a pity party for one. I feel so sad. He is the love of my life I feel a little bit lost. Thank you all for you words of support. I feel rotten at the minute

OP posts:

Original poster

Dreaming28 · 13/04/2019 21:07

*DD away til tomorrow

OP posts:

category12 · 13/04/2019 21:15

Well, it certainly tells you something about him. Sorry, op, but leaving him will take you to a happier place in the long run.

BumbleBeee69 · 13/04/2019 23:07

He is not the love of your life OP.. trust me.. the love of your life would not manipulate coerce or control you in such a nasty way.

WifOfBif · 14/04/2019 10:58

Have you done the freedom program OP?

If not, please look in to it. I think you would benefit x

Tiredemma · 14/04/2019 11:06

He's manipulative.

Run for the hills x

AnnieCat84 · 14/04/2019 11:08

Just because he 'hasn't laid a finger on you' doesn't mean this isn't an abusive relationship.

He's completely manipulating the situation and trying to minimise. By saying that you're throwing it all away for the sake of going to the gym and going out with friends!!? WTF? These are all things you should be able to do freely and enjoy without stressing or feeling guilty. Please, please take a step back and think about what you would say if a friend told you all of this. Do not marry him until you are certain. I guarantee once you're married he will seriously up the ante.

Moonie1970 · 14/04/2019 19:24

I feel for you as I’m in the same situation.
I’ve posted a few times about my partner and his insecurities regarding me going out with my friend .
I find myself treading on egg shells all the time and almost ended my friendship for my relationship luckily I realised how manipulative he was and how unreasonable he was being to expect me not to have a social life outside of our relationship.
I went out at Weekend and I’ve had a disgusting nasty txt calling me a liar and scum and a pretentious piece of shit just because I went out he had viewed my friends instagram story of us dancing and singing along to the entertainment in the pub , he said he could see the time on the clock n the pub and it was late and I was only supposed to be going out for a few hours .
He was out to so what did it matter .
They project and put all their insecurities and baggage on you and you end up feeling crap so you stay home for a quiet life .
I’m determined to stay strong and move on as I can not live like this.
Good luck going forward 💐

KittyInTheCradle · 14/04/2019 19:48

I'm sorry you are going through this. Of course it's going to be so difficult, especially when part of the issue is him denying anything he's doing wrong. That's gaslighting. I've had an ex in the past who pretty much made me believe I was insane, cut me off from all friends and family, financial and emotional abuse leading to sexual abuse. All while convincing me I was crazy and a bad person, while he was perfect. Looking back, he was a really controlling abuser. And I'm sorry to say that it started like what you describe. Wish I got out at the start and didn't waste 6 years and lose all my self esteem in the process. But abusers can be very convincing and they make you feel bad for wanting basic decent treatment.
Have you read up about coercive control?

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