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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I leave partner of 6 years?

51 replies

Fishandchips71 · 10/04/2019 18:33

I would really appreciate some advice. I have been with my partner a long time and we were considering marriage and children over the next year or so. Generally we have been happy although things do always seem to be on his terms and he isn't very flexible, considerate and is reluctant to contribute financially to anything 'non essential' in his eyes such as home improvements etc. My family have never approved. I have become increasingly ill until finally I was diagnosed with a chronic illness which will improve but not for another year or so. His reaction was to bully me and complain I wasn't making him tea, coffee, meals etc over a period of several weeks. The language was very abusive, he refused to read about my illness or listen to me. Everyone else in my life has been incredibly sympathetic and helpful regarding my condition and the kindness I have received is a stark contrast with treatment at home. My family and friends are begging me to leave him. I am struggling because I do love him, I have invested a lot of years into this relationship and I'm not getting any younger regarding children and we seemed usually happy until this happened. I am in shock as I always believed if anything serious like this happened he would be there for me but he has been very nasty and entirely selfish. I'm so disappointed. What should I do?

OP posts:
ravenmum · 10/04/2019 18:42

Google sunk cost fallacy.

Bookworm4 · 10/04/2019 18:45

You should leave, do not have kids with this tight fisted selfish git.

Wheresmyvagina · 10/04/2019 18:46

Leave him, clearly

AnduinsGirl · 10/04/2019 18:46

There is literally no reason to be in this relationship. It's so painful reading nice-sounding, intelligent women coming out with "but I love him" when everyone else can clearly see the guy in question is a nasty bastard.

LetsGroove2nite · 10/04/2019 18:48

Of you can't rely on him now, how will you rely on him when you have kids?!

Amongstthetallgrass · 10/04/2019 18:49

Well he has done you a massive favour hasn’t he? He shown you his true colours before you got married. What a relief!

ravenmum · 10/04/2019 18:51

You have been lucky enough to get a little preview of his parental / spousal "caring" abilities, before you entered into the real investment of marriage and children. Don't sweep this under the carpet along with the other huge, horrible character flaws. You would regret it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/04/2019 18:54

You’re worth so much more than how he’s treating you.

I agree you’ll see this as a good thing in the long run, imagine how shit he’d make life if you were pregnant.

Ending a relationship is always scary but you won’t find someone who’s truly deserving of you while you’re wasting your time with this twat who doesn’t.

PickAChew · 10/04/2019 18:54

Absolute do not have children with this man. He'll not lift a finger and likely have you scrabbling around for a fiver for nappies, school trips or whatever the expense of the time is, while he's out boozing with his mates or indulging a hobby or whatever. He'll question every decision you make for your child but never take on board any of the decision making.
Run while you have no permanent ties.

Original poster
Fishandchips71 · 10/04/2019 19:00

It's so hard because it's like he's two people, he can often be lovely and I have a happy life. I know he'd never cheat on me. It's just he has this nasty side as well, especially when things don't go his away. Is it a big enough reason to be a deal breaker? I'm so disillusioned with men in general. You only have to come on here to see horror stories of husbands I think would be worse. Would it be out of the frying pan and into the fire? Even if I found someone who treated me perfectly, I might not feel a spark. I'm scared I'd never find love again. I can't imagine life without him.

OP posts:
Snuggz · 10/04/2019 19:03

His reaction to you being seriously ill is to complain that you don’t make tea, coffee and meals for him and verbally abuse you? Why are you still with this selfish bastard??

Be thankful this prick has shown you his true colours now before you got married and had kids with him. Can you imagine if you had a baby with him, he’d probably be the type to have an affair and blame YOU because you weren’t showing him enough attention!

He sounds miserable, stingey and controlling. Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that?

ravenmum · 10/04/2019 19:05

"Often" lovely.
"Just" a nasty side.
Other husbands might be worse.

These are the best reasons you can come up with not to run for the hills.

ravenmum · 10/04/2019 19:08

Does he already frown when you buy new clothes? Are you already cutting off the labels so that he doesn't know they're new? Does he already tut over the price you've paid for a cheap dinner, suggesting that he could budget better? Do you already feel guilty about being wasteful? Do you have a joint account or is he against that?

Original poster
Fishandchips71 · 10/04/2019 19:13

No he would never open a joint account even for savings. He moans I have too many clothes but he certainly thinks he could get household items like sofa/kitchen items cheaper, although he's never bought these items and I usually get the cheapest model, in the sale or bargain corner ex display. Any holidays have to be as cheap as possible often resulting in not very nice hotels with broken showers etc. He has no concept of how much things cost. Aren't your chances of finding a perfect man greatly reduced in your 30s?

OP posts:
PickAChew · 10/04/2019 19:15

He could be 99% lovely but being vile towards you 1% of the time is enough to be a deal breaker. It didn't matter if he was never vile. You are allowed to leave a relationship for any reason you like. You have plenty of reason, though.

And men like this don't get better when children come along. More often than not they get worse.

happyhillock · 10/04/2019 19:17

Your choice, but i know i would be saying bye-bye.

AnduinsGirl · 10/04/2019 19:18

Aren't your chances of finding a perfect man greatly reduced in your 30s?
Firstly, there's no such thing as the perfect man or woman. You just need two kind, respectful people who accept eachother's imperfections and treat each other like they'd want to be treated. And secondly, bollocks to not finding love in your 30's. I'm 34, been single and celibate for years and finally, when I've reached a place where I know my own worth, my standards, and how to be on my own, I've met someone amazing.
OP, the fact you're willing to tolerate this shitty behaviour JUST ONCE is worrying. Norma nice people don't act like this.

ravenmum · 10/04/2019 19:18

You don't have to find a perfect man ... just not one that everyone agrees is totally dire.

Imagine if you're pregnant and decide to take maternity leave. He'll be studying every bill. Complaining about how you are spending "his"money.

Left my ex five years ago and still feel guilty whenever I buy anything.

AnduinsGirl · 10/04/2019 19:19

*NORMAL, although I'm sure Norma wouldn't either! :)

ravenmum · 10/04/2019 19:21

Met my current bf at age 48 - he's far from perfect, but he's a decent man. Treats me like you normally would a fellow human being.

PickAChew · 10/04/2019 19:23

And people find new relationships at any time in their lives. I dumped my lazy, useless, manipulative arsehole of an ex in my 30s, thankfully with no kids together and now have 2 teens with a man who isn't perfect but doesn't have a nasty bone in him.

Original poster
Fishandchips71 · 10/04/2019 19:31

Thank you so much for the encouraging stories and support everyone. You're all echoing what my friends and family are saying. Would it not be worth giving him another chance though? He could learn from this and mature. He's had a very bad upbringing and rough life. I think he does love me in his own way. I just don't know what's come over him lately with this illness.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 10/04/2019 19:37

How long would you give him to turn into a totally different person, and act that way long enough that you can believe it's a permanent character change? A year? Two? And how about that lovely man, who's on POF right now looking for a really nice lady who's good at interior decoration, and planning to bring her a lovely cup of tea in bed on a Saturday morning, while he makes breakfast? Doesn't he deserve a chance too?

Bookworm4 · 10/04/2019 19:46

Nearly every day there is a woman on MN who lists the nasty traits of her man then tries the 'he's lovely really' 'he's a good dad'
It's not just his nasty attitude to your illness, he's tight fisted to the extreme, there are no positives.
'He loves me in his own way'; what's that? Being lazy, abusive, mean?

Happynow001 · 10/04/2019 19:53

@Fishandchips71
Im sorry to say this but you place a very low value on yourself.

Please re-read your post from the viewpoint on your future daughter and be honest - what would you, as her mother, advise?

It's just he has this nasty side as well, especially when things don't go his away.
Life has a habit of often throwing curveballs at you at various points - you already know how he's going to react. Are you going to diminish yourself every time in order to make way for his ego?

You say you love him but that is really not enough to make a "relationship" like this work.

It does not sound loving or supportive or caring from his side and it really does two pulling in the same direction for things to work. Again, rereading your posts, how likely is this?

One positive is that he has revealed the person he is before you were even more enmeshed (eg married and with children). The fortunate thing is you can see it but what will you do about it?

There are worse things in life than not being married in your thirties.

Good luck OP. 🌹

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