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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I leave partner of 6 years?

51 replies

Fishandchips71 · 10/04/2019 18:33

I would really appreciate some advice. I have been with my partner a long time and we were considering marriage and children over the next year or so. Generally we have been happy although things do always seem to be on his terms and he isn't very flexible, considerate and is reluctant to contribute financially to anything 'non essential' in his eyes such as home improvements etc. My family have never approved. I have become increasingly ill until finally I was diagnosed with a chronic illness which will improve but not for another year or so. His reaction was to bully me and complain I wasn't making him tea, coffee, meals etc over a period of several weeks. The language was very abusive, he refused to read about my illness or listen to me. Everyone else in my life has been incredibly sympathetic and helpful regarding my condition and the kindness I have received is a stark contrast with treatment at home. My family and friends are begging me to leave him. I am struggling because I do love him, I have invested a lot of years into this relationship and I'm not getting any younger regarding children and we seemed usually happy until this happened. I am in shock as I always believed if anything serious like this happened he would be there for me but he has been very nasty and entirely selfish. I'm so disappointed. What should I do?

OP posts:

ravenmum · 10/04/2019 19:59

He'll get a second chance, with another woman - and having seen from you dumping him that he really can't get away with treating his partner like dirt, then yes, he actually might mature, act differently and become a better person.

Snuggz · 10/04/2019 20:17

You need counselling to work on your self-esteem and why you are ok being with someone who treats you this way.

He is who is he is. He will not change. Why do you think staying with him and giving him a second chance is going to change anything? Is he going to get an overnight personality transplant or something?

Wer2Next · 10/04/2019 20:46

You cant be helped if you wont accept help.

The consensus is leave. Listen.

Flamingo89 · 10/04/2019 20:54

Get rid.
Get healthy.
Get someone else that deserves you.

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 10/04/2019 21:01

Imagine how he'll be if you have a baby, no joy at all...probs a lot more abuse & no help.

PickAChew · 10/04/2019 22:44

The ex I mentioned got a second chance with another woman. He barely got his feet under the table before he picked up where he left off and ramped it up. She's ditched him but he's probably started on his next victim, with the charm. They don't learn. They just feel peeved that you dared to reject them and not be more understanding of their so called needs and personality.

Heartofglass12345 · 10/04/2019 22:56

Do not have a child with this man!!! You deserve better, you are worth more than how he treats you.

SandyY2K · 11/04/2019 00:15

This is one of those situations I'd say why did you have kids with a man like this.

He's shown you what he is. Why would you stay with a tight fisted nasty bully?

You were ill and he was moaning about his tea! Do not give him the pleasure of being in a relationship with you.

Your friends and family are all right.

Lozzerbmc · 11/04/2019 07:36

He is not good enough - he doesnt support you when ill...? . He should be kind not irritated. You would support him if the other way round. You deserve better. He is not a nice person

LellyMcKelly · 11/04/2019 08:25

Oh ditch him, honey. You’re worth way more that him. He sounds appalling.

Hubblebubbletripletrouble · 11/04/2019 08:29

This is who he is. He’s acting this way because he wants to. Why would he change? It’s who he is.

BIWI · 11/04/2019 08:33

I see you're new to Mumsnet.

Go and have a read of the relationships board here to see how depressingly familiar your story is.

And get yourself some better self-esteem and respect at the same time. Why on earth do you think that you have to settle for this kind of behaviour?

NASA20 · 11/04/2019 08:43

I was like you, my relationship was bad but we had some good times and he could sometimes be great. Eventually I saw through it and found some self worth, you will too. It might not be now, or next week but it will happen. Just please don't marry him or get pregnant, your in the lucky position right now to cut all ties, it wont be as easy when you have to hand over your child to him on a weekly basis.

allabouteve1 · 11/04/2019 08:46

He could learn from this and mature
No he won't. He has shown you his true colours believe what he is showing you about himself and leave.

It's better to be single and happy/ in control of your life than coupled up and miserable.

You deserve better than this.

HotpotLawyer · 11/04/2019 08:52

Good grief!

OP, I am so sorry about your illness, but than heavens it has given you a clear view of what this man is actually like.

He would be far worse if you had a child and it would be absolutely terrible to be financially co-dependent on him for maternity leave, childcare costs. You are vulnerable when you have a child and he has shown his response to vulnerability.

Leave him as fast as possible and get on with the great life ahead of you!

Mary1935 · 11/04/2019 08:54

Hi fish have you ever told him you want to end it - sadly these men DO NOT change. Imagine having a child with him - you will be really miserable.
I’ve had one like this. He hit me too.
They feel entitled they really do.
Read Lundy Bancroft - why does he do that.
Everyone else can’t be wrong.
He’s a Abusive man. Listen to your family.
Call domestic violent helpline.
I assure you it’s better to be alone than with someone like him.
They tie you in knots till you don’t know what your doing.
Please leave carefully.
I promise you he will beg plead and cry - he will promise to change.
HE WONT..

dotcotan · 11/04/2019 08:59

He's a tight-arsed abusive git OP. For goodness sakes get rid.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/04/2019 10:11

Would it not be worth giving him another chance though?

No. Don't waste any more time and energy on this selfish excuse for a man.

He could learn from this and mature.

But he won't. Because he knows that you put up with this shit.

He's had a very bad upbringing and rough life.

Stop making excuses for him. I've had it tough, it doesn't mean I treat the people I love 'in my own way' like shit.

Sorry to be blunt. But it's up to you. Keep on being treated like this or wake up and realise that you deserve better. And for God's sake don't get pregnant or you'll be trapped in an even worse situation.

He won't help you with childcare. He'll just moan that you're not making HIM enough cups of tea. Pathetic. Please raise your bar.

Original poster

Fishandchips71 · 12/04/2019 13:02

Thank you very much for all your advice everyone. It is very nice to have somewhere like this to go to see other people's opinions. I have ended it and he has moved out. He came round last night to make up and he did apologise and I think he meant it but it still didn't feel like enough for me to let it go. It felt too easy.

OP posts:

MrsTeaspoon · 12/04/2019 13:23

He is showing you his true colours! As we get older there are more health issues/difficulties and how he has behaved is repugnant. So what if he’s been nice in easy times, it’s when the going gets tough that you should be truly United and feel you are each other’s rock. I left my ExH finally after I could not countenance his behaviour on the day my mother passed away - I realised he didn’t truly care, didn’t support me. We’d been together a very long time but life is far too short for any meanness of spirit in a partner. Oh, and I met my DH when we both thought we were never going to find someone decent and truly nice...right now I’m cuddling our newborn whilst he’s at the park with our older child. You never know what’s round the corner. Don’t settle for anything other than mutual respect, you deserve it.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/04/2019 13:25

Well done OP.
Now you need to stay strong.
He will try every which way to manipulate you and 'hoover' you back in.
Keep him gone.
He will NEVER change.
They never do.
He can promise all he likes but it doesn't change anything.

MrsTeaspoon · 12/04/2019 13:27

Sorry, cross-post. I’m pleased you’ve had the strength to end it, good luck and peace to you.

ravenmum · 12/04/2019 17:11

Well done OP. Look after yourself, give yourself plenty of nice things to do.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/04/2019 17:19

Well done OP! It's not an easy decision to make but you can definitely do so much better. Onwards and upwards.

Hiddenaspie1973 · 12/04/2019 17:30

I should've left my relationship after 10 years. I didn't. Unplanned pregnancy....12 years along I'm still here. We're both going through the motions until our child is grown.
DON'T LET THAT BE YOU.
Go while you have no ties. Parenting with the selfish ones is excruciatingly hard. One reason why I just had 1.

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