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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would You end a friendship for a relationship

49 replies

Moonie1970 · 10/04/2019 12:42

Posted before about my situation where my partner dislikes my friend.
Made me feel bad for wanting to see her as in the past she’s not always had my best interest at heart .
I think he uses this as an excuse to say he doesn’t like me going out with her as I feel he doesn’t like me going out outside of the relationship full stop .
I do nothing really outside of our relationship only work and look after my children I don’t have a busy social life at all .
I have already stopped seeing my friend
on on a regular basis and just want to have a girlie catch up every few months .
This to seems to be an issue in that he has his child every Friday night so I arranged to see her then so it doesn’t interfere with us seeing each other on the Sat .
My friend says things like oh so can you not go out on Saturday nights anymore .
I explained Friday is easy as it’s not going to change my plans with said partner .
I always dread telling him I’ve planned to see her as he goes in to a mood about it .
Now he is saying of your out I’m going out on the Sat night to I’ll catch up with my mates .
This I don’t have an issue with as I’m the least bit bothered by him being around his friends.
My issue is the immature fit for tat response because I arranged my plans to not disrupt us and he’s now saying well I’m going out now to and I’ll be spending money out with friends
I could be spending on us if we were to go out .
I’m so disappointed by his immaturity.
I sai why do you feel the need to be out the next night just cause I’ve had not a full night out but most likely a 2 hour catch up about 6 onwards .
If I go for coffee in the day then that’s alright but anything to do with a night out is an issue in his eyes .
It’s wrong of him as I fit in around his plans which involves 2 hours on a Sunday seeing his friend doing what he likes doing most playing music .
This situation is never going away and I’m not prepared to end a 10 year plus friendship for him and his insecurities.
I just want clarification that he’s being unfair here and acting like a child .
So now if I go out he will to the next night if I stay in Friday he will see me sat .
It’s madness.
Need a kick up the arse to look at my options as I’m
Not sure I can carry on line this
Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 10/04/2019 12:46

he's a nasty controlling bastard and you are better off without him. how long have you been together. in healthy relationships people have their own friends and social life.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/04/2019 13:06

Never ever ever ditch friends.
Chicks before dicks and all that crap is so so true.
Men will come and go. Friends will always be there for you.
This guy is a controlling prick.
He's trying to isolate you from friends.
That's a huge red flag right there.
The tit for tat is another huge red flag.
You really need to have a chat with Womens Aid to understand this.
Please call them.
Please run away, far and fast, from this abusive asshole!
Time for you to read the Lundy Bancroft book 'Why does he do that'
You are missing huge red flags here. Stop ignoring them.
Kick him to the curb quick sharp.
What are you living arrangements?

thisisalawfulinvestigationmaam · 10/04/2019 13:09

I bet your friend is an outspoken, confident woman right? He's scared she will tell you exactly what she sees when she looks at him. That's why he's trying to stop you seeing her.
Get rid of him and keep the friend!!

whitesoxx · 10/04/2019 13:10

Wow. Get rid of him. Straight away!

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 10/04/2019 13:11

No. Don't be controlled like this.

dudsville · 10/04/2019 13:12

I was with a controlling partner once. I ended a friendship for him. It was stupid and I regret it but I didn't know better. Never end a friendship for someone else.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 10/04/2019 13:13

If you were stupid enough to get rid of your friend, there would, as if by magic, be a new issue he needed you to address. All about the control, and eroding your self-esteem, bit by bit.

Thingsdogetbetter · 10/04/2019 13:14

So you pandered and reduced contact, now he's moving the goal posts. What a surprise. If you pander again and change it to coffee during the day, he'll change the goal posts again. Calling him immature and insecure is really making excuses. He's controlling! Full stop! You're being isolated step by step. Soon your already reduced social life will be non-existent. There are no options. You do as your told and loose your friendships and isolate yourself (which won't be the end of it!), or you choose freedom.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/04/2019 13:16

Run, run, as fast as you can. Run away from the controlling man.

justasking111 · 10/04/2019 13:16

Made me feel bad for wanting to see her as in the past she’s not always had my best interest at heart .

Your words OP, how good a friend is she. I persevered with a friend OH did not approve of until she put my name on her electricity, gas, rates bills and did a runner. I had a lot of explaining to do to avoid court.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/04/2019 13:17

Justasking you're totally missing everything in this post that shows he's a controlling dick who punishes her for disobeying.

Redglitter · 10/04/2019 13:19

If you need to get rid of one of them get rid of him. He sounds immature & controlling.

Never dump friends for a man

NabooThatsWho · 10/04/2019 13:21

He’s a controlling dickhead 🤷🏻‍♀️
Get rid! And go and enjoy your life and your freedom.
You don’t need a prick like that telling what you can and can’t do. Not healthy at all.

whiteroseredrose · 10/04/2019 13:21

I suspect you know the answer. He does not have your best interests at heart.

Fedupofthisrubbish · 10/04/2019 13:22

Jesus get rid. Then get some therapy so you nevee normalise this behaviour from a man again.

justasking111 · 10/04/2019 13:42

OK see this friend 1 Friday a month, meet three other friends the other Fridays. Then you will have a balanced social life.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 10/04/2019 14:06

Any partner who tries to make you, or makes you feel like you should stop seeing a friend isn’t a good partner.

Original poster
Moonie1970 · 10/04/2019 14:49

Thanks for the replies , we don’t live together , we did but it didn’t work out for various reasons .
I know his behaviour isn’t right , I know what to do .
I doubt my own mind sometimes and think is it me , so you have all given me clarity.
Thank you

OP posts:
Bemusedagain · 10/04/2019 14:55

Oh my god! Did you grow up with your eyes and ears shut? Seriously. Did you never learn that you NEVER NEVER EVER ditch a friend because some bloke says to. You never give a bloke that sort of power. You only ever ditch a friend if 1) she sleeps with your boyfriend 2) she’s does something criminal to you like steal money.
End of.
You are running round like a headless chicken accommodating his every whim and he’s treating you like crap and acting like an arse. No he’s not fair. Yes he’s unreasonable. You get to decide what’s fair and what’s not. You honestly need help. Serious help if you have to come on the internet and ask if it’s right that he’s made you ditch the friend. It doesn’t matter what he thinks of her. It doesn’t matter his opinion of her past behaviour. The unwritten rule is always ditch a bloke who tries to get you to ditch your friends. Ditch him now and tell him to grow the F up. Then make this up to your mate and hope to god she doesn’t hold this against you. You’re going to be lucky to keep her and you should beg her forgiveness for being such a bloody idiot.

LellyMcKelly · 10/04/2019 15:20

You’ve made the right decision 😁 Your friend loves you, cares about you, and has your best interests at heart. She has your back. She always has, and she knows your partner is not good for you. Ditch the man for the friend.

KatharinaRosalie · 10/04/2019 15:25

Ah yes, good old tactics like from a script. Even if he does not expressly tell you not to see your friend, he gets so sulky and moody every time that it's easier not to. He's a controlling arse.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/04/2019 16:19

@justasking111 but this guy won't suddenly be OK if it's a different mate. I don't know if your partner is also controlling and that's why you can't see it, but the problem isn't who OP's friend is

0ccamsRazor · 10/04/2019 16:52

Why on earth are you with this cunt?

Drizzlehair · 10/04/2019 16:59

Minor derail but your post sounds a bit farfetched to me Bemused.

You can ditch a friend for any reason you want. Just as you can ditch a partner.

I've ditched friends because I don't lie their political views, they're stingy and don't pay their way, I find their company boring, I moved away and couldn't be arsed.

You don't have to stay friends with someone unless they shag your boyf or do something criminal.

Weird

OP I agree with pp, he sounds like the one who doesn't have your best interests at heart. Whether the friend does or not or a separate question, completely unrelated. But definitely get rid of him

xpc316e · 10/04/2019 17:13

It simply does not matter at all if your friend hasn't always had your best interests at heart; you are being required to dump a friend, and that is an enormous sign of control.

I dumped some friends at my former wife's insistence many years ago, and it was a dreadful move. Eventually I had enough of her coercion and control, and ended our marriage. His requirement to dump your friend is a warning sign, do not ignore it.