Trauma bond and leaving husband

[Amani1]

Married for 15 years together for 22years. 3 children together he has 1 son from an affair 14 years ago and one newborn from one night stand.

My husband doesn't live with me and my children he lives with his mother.

He blames me for his cheating because I don't cater for his needs.

He says that we made vows and that means we should stick together.

Why do I let him treat me this way. I always forgive him.

He gives me when and whatever amount he wants. While he spends all his money on his mother. When I question thus he simply states that he doesn't live with me.

So what kind of marriage is this!

So drained

Well you’ve said it.
It’s a trauma bond

Or you’re just scared. There is a safety in what you have. It’s what you know.

It’s highly unlikely you’ll leave. And he knows that.

Tell him you're pregnant. And it's not his. If would be interesting to see his reaction.

Thank you for replying.

I've tried so many times to leave but he somehow lures me back in.

I don't know what to do as he has so much power over me.

The last 3 years have been so bad, anxiety, stress which has also made me financially dependent on him.

Which of course he loves me begging him

Ah, Jeez, you poor woman. He's an unkind fella and walking all over you. Time to make a game plan and look to the future. Not easy, but once there, you'll wonder what took you so long. Best wishes.

Singlenotsingle he wouldn't believe me. He's the only person I've been with he knows me to well

Boydoggies he blames me because apparently I'm not good enough.

Is there any hope that he'll change and realise what he's put me through?

Of course he does! He'll have been blaming you for so long, you believe it. You've been too kind for too long to him. Time to be kind to yourself..

He won't change, it'll just continue to go down hill. We only have one life. Try to live it, rather than just exist.

I have tried but Ive given up because he always causing some kind of drama.

It's easier being nice to him. Otherwise it's swearing and threatening and coming to the school gates to cause a scene.

I don't like drama. So I give in all the time.

He's ruined everything. Birthdays, Christmas, Mother's Day. Holidays

Really wish I was stronger than what I am, I've filed for divorce but didn't go through with it. I'm so scared of his reaction

You're in a cycle. He throws a tantrum, whilst you keep the peace to avoid a scene. Can you contact a local advice/women's aid? You say you're scared. It's hard, but you will have a chance to bloom.

I've tried that and Womens aid, Victim support and a local organisation have all been brilliant.

No matter how long I stay away there's a tiny bit that always wants to be with him. It's crazy I know, but I feel so stuck.

I have even met someone but couldn't Pursue it because as soon as he came back I dumped him.

I know I deserve better but always end up here

How do I jump of this merry go round??

Counselling, lots of counselling. Think of what this is teaching your children about how to be treated, what relationships should be like. Do you want them in this position when they grow up? You are teaching them this is ok!

Go for CMS, get spousal and get out, now! You will be so much better for it j

Your the one who has control the minute you permanently end the relationship. You need to let go, ignore him and take the first steps inn realising he does not love you, but loves seeing you suffer.

If he’s not living with you then claim maintenance through CMS. Is he working?

Every day you stay with him, he's winning. Stop letting him! As a PP said, time to change the game. Stand up for yourself and be the example to your children.

Drained????? Insane more like.

If you can't ditch him for your sake FGS ditch him for your DCs - what a miserable example both you and he are setting for them.

Thank you for all your messages.

I have tried everything. But it's so strange how he had so much power. I go crazy when he's with someone else.
He has a good job. But spends money on his mother.
Very weird if I'm honest.
She hates me at this present time she blames me for everything and says I love playing games.
Same with his friends, I'm the bonkers wife who doesn't appreciate her husband therefore I deserve this. Because he's a man and needs attention I don't give him.
He's destroyed my soul,

I don't even know who I am anymore.

It's been so hard

Bagpuss5 i know this hence why he does not live with us, my children come first. That's one thing I can honestly say. My eldest 2 hate him as he forced them to have a relationship with his other son.
Also I've had social services involved previously because they hate him and have had issues with him when they've stayed at his mothers house. But thankfully they've closed the file because I'm a good mother and the children are happy and healthy with a good home and they have everything they need. This was also said at their school.

This problem is about me and yes the children have suffered but I've been mentally abused. So please do not be so flippant about it. He games he plays are crazy

Stop having any contact with him. Get yourself in a position where there's no need for any contact and go and see a solicitor. Find the strength you need to be free and set your children the example that's it's not ok to be treated like he treats you. Good luck.

I know and I will try. I have been trying. As I'm typing this he is giving me £20 out of £200 that he was suppose to give and he leaves me short every month and that's the biggest one.

I have recently be made redundant and it's been so hard financially.

I literally have to beg him.
My family cannot help as this has gone on way too long and I owe everyone money.

Saying this the children don't really know how bad things are financially because I leave myself without a lot of things I need. I've sold my car because I cannot afford to run it

What you write of in your last post is also chilling.

He is also financially abusing you now, what you write of are clear examples of financial abuse. He really does get off on the power and control at seeing you suffer here at his hands.

Read about trauma bonding as well as codependency in relationships. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see similar at home from your own parents?.

And sorry but your children do know on some level how bad things are. They have seen social services, they see their parents living separate lives and your eldest two hate their dad also because he forced a relationship between they and his son by another woman.