Trauma bond and leaving husband

[Amani1]

Married for 15 years together for 22years. 3 children together he has 1 son from an affair 14 years ago and one newborn from one night stand.

My husband doesn't live with me and my children he lives with his mother.

He blames me for his cheating because I don't cater for his needs.

He says that we made vows and that means we should stick together.

Why do I let him treat me this way. I always forgive him.

He gives me when and whatever amount he wants. While he spends all his money on his mother. When I question thus he simply states that he doesn't live with me.

So what kind of marriage is this!

So drained

His mother also sounds as abusive as your husband is. The rotten apple that is he did not fall far from the rotten to the core tree that is his own family of origin.

Thanks for replying.

The only thing I haven't tried is moving out of London completely, I am desperate to live a normal life for me and my kids. but I can't whilst I live here.

Because I have tried, I've filed for divorce but can't go through with it as I'm so worried that he'll go mental as I've documented everything. The mental abuse, the financial abuse. Adultery.

I've told him to transfer the money into my account and he refused. Said he wants to give it to me personally.

So told him not to bother,

I know I need to stand up to him. It's the fear I suppose. He can also be very violent.
Which the police know about.

In the time of your marriage he has had two other children that you are aware of. It very likely that he has been/is having sex with other women. He lives with his mother and does not financially support your joint children. I’m not sure how anyone can think you are in the wrong (other than bybstyaing with him) and if they do think your in the wrong then fuck them they are not people you want to be spending time with.

You need to speak to a domestic violence charity.

Jackshouse i have spoken to everyone and know exactly what to do! I just can't do it.

He is like a drug and whatever crumbs of attention I get I take. It's pathetic but I'm being honest.

That's why the doctors have said that I'm trauma bonded and this is what happens when you're mentally abuse for over decades.

I know I deserve better but I still continue to act this way.

I'm 42years old so have wasted most my life anyways

I know I need to take control! I know

The reason you have come so close to leaving so many times is because you know it is what you need to do! You can do this, you have to - for your own sanity and your kids'

If you do not leave you are failing your children. I know that is harsh and must be hard for you to read but it's true. Read it again until you have the push you need to leave.

You know from previous experience how fab some organisations can be and you will have help all the way

No it won't be easy but oh the rewards!!! You and the children will be happier, safer, better off and free

Contact CSA, women's aid and a solicitor today

You can do this

Jackstini thank you.

Maybe it's because I've isolated myself from friends and family and I do not talk about the stuff that I've been through and going through.

Phone the CSA today. That’s the first step, you are in the financial shit, it is expected by SS and all other agencies that you will claim everything you should and in terms of divorce it looks fishy if you aren’t doing the right thing. The last thing you want is anyone poking around and going hang on how come she is claiming as a single mum, he’s living at his mothers apparently and she isn’t claiming child support - when you see it written down, it looks dodgy doesn’t it.

Inliverpool1 that's not really an issue as my housing officer, ex social worker know he's not been living with me for the last 6years.
So it's not dodgy.

It's just that I have to get my shit together.
I was on the verge of eviction last year as I was so depressed I didn't know whether I was coming or going.

I have thankfully sorted that out.

I just need to sort out the divorce once and for all.

I hardly see him but keeps me locked in arguments daily or showing me pics of him and his latest woman he's sleeping with.

I've lost all self respect I know!!

Seriously??? Look back on all that you have written here. Why do you think he's such a catch? All you get from this 'relationship' is misery and an STD. You hold the power, not him, you just don't realise it yet. You're only 42. Do you want this for another 50 years or do you want to wake in the morning and look forward to the day ahead? Your new start is waiting for you. Come on OP, you can do it.

Please stop saying 'he's like a drug'. He's definitely not! Drugs are physically addictive and by repeating 'hes like a drug' to yourself you keep giving yourself less power than you have.
At the moment there is nothing he could do that you won't forgive, most people would have left at the point ss became involved.
Your life is not over at 42 but it may as well be if you stay with him.

I do leave but somehow he worms his way back in.

If only it was that easy. When you've been mentally abused for a very long time. Its all you know.

But yes I've contacted my solicitor and have resumed the divorce proceedings. And have blocked him so he cannot contact me.

He's a narcissist and what he's done to me is wrong and yes there's a lot I should have done earlier but believe me it's not that simple.

When he's made me feel less than worthless .

Planned it that I'm so financially ruined that I depended on him.
I doubted my own capabilities sometimes.

He's evil and as much as I do need to take responsibility. I've been through hell.

Sounds like you have an empty life. He worms his way in because he is all you have. (Somehow he is more important to you than your children which not many mothers would understand).
Only you can shake hourself down and get a life of your own. But that takes courage, it's easier to blame everything on him and your 'love' for him than to admit that you are failing at life. If you can accept that you have not made what you could of life for yourself and ,importantly, your DCs, you can start being brave and moving forward to a happier and fulfilling life. Not the soap opera you are choosing to stay in.

*Bagpuss5
*
I appreciate that all you know is from what I post.

But saying that I do not put my children first is ludicrous. I work full time and my kids are my everything. So my life is far from empty.

My kids are doing very well at school and are emotional balanced.

Hence why social services investigated and closed the file. He is not involved in their schooling. Because he's not reliable.

He makes my life hell. So wouldn't call this love either.
He does not live with us. Because I try to protect my children.

This is about me and him.

I am actually quite shocked at the level of understanding that I am a victim of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

So just because I scared to stand up to him you are accusing of loving him and not caring for my children. Which is not the case.

Thanks for the help, sympathy and advise.
You guys are all heart. I pray you don't have to go through this.

Which believe me can happen to the strongest of women just like I was.

Trauma bonded from the amount of abuse I've endured both mentally and pre kids physically. Anxiety depression, so again thank you

This is domestic violence even though he's not under the same roof. He wants you think that you have no power & depend on him always.

You need to get shot of this man ASAP. You still have strength and the power to choose the direction your life goes in. It's all about building courage one bit at a time.

I agree with Bagpuss5 that your posts do come across as if he is more important to you than your children. You may think your children are well-balanced but they will be picking up on his and your behaviour. There is no way you can come on MN and have these outpourings and then be a happy mum to them. They do know what's going on.

You need to really put your children first and remove yourself and them from this toxic situation. Going to a refuge with your kids will better for all of you than the life you are leading.

In any event start a benefit claim so that you have income and can feed and house your family.

I do feel for you but harping on about yourself is not doing any good. You have to DO something about it NOW, firstly for your children but also for you.

AsleepAllDay thank you,

What got to me is that Bagpuss5 said I am not putting them first and other mothers wouldn't understand.

I've lived with threats for years even threatened my parents (until I called the police got restraining order) then discovered I was pregnant with my last child 10years ago. I am trying to get out of this mess but it's been so hard.

Of course the children's have been affected to some extent. But not the way you make out. Just needed a bit of advise and encouragement. As I've supported my children and now need to sort me out

But will not have that I'm not putting my kids first. The reason I stopped him going to the school is because he use to collect them when he wanted and keep them for days. Police couldn't help because he's their father and had every right to see them. I had to take him to court.

So I haven't just sat here and taken it year in year out.

I just want out completely.
I just want him to support his kids and divorce him. Which I filed for yesterday.

Well done OP. Each day that passes is another day closer to happiness.

Have you spoken to your GP and asked for a referral for counselling? Or if you can afford it to speed up the process, pay to see one? You sound like you want to do be stronger but don’t have the tools to do so. Speaking to someone who is in your corner and can support you mentally will help you immensely.