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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you move on from this?

37 replies

Greeceisgood · 09/04/2019 23:53

Am having relationship problems with dh. A few years ago, during a row, he got very angry and ran towards me and pushed me nd said "I feel like killing you."
I was very upset and he later apologised. Now, after the worse year ever in terms of our relationship this has really resurfaced along with other stuff. He says I'm being unfair bringing it up and other stuff from the past. He has never actually hit me but I am scared of his temper and he has hit things and walls etc. I could say a lot more and I have posted before and now I've had enough.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 09/04/2019 23:59

I think you should get out as quickly as you could. Whether he hits you or not, you will always live with the knowledge that he wants to. I'm so sorry.

What happened this year?

bluejelly · 10/04/2019 00:04

Being scared of your partner is absolutely unacceptable and unsustainable. Take the plunge and get out.
to you.

Original poster

Greeceisgood · 10/04/2019 00:08

Emotional affair and kiss with woman at work. Trying to move in but his attitude is awful. Usual defence and minimizing at play. All come to a head for me after years of ups and downs and problems. Now I feel hurt and full of resentment and he just says sorry and wants me to never mention anything and just go forward.

OP posts:

Original poster

Greeceisgood · 10/04/2019 00:15

Meant to say - trying to move on

OP posts:

pallisers · 10/04/2019 00:15

why would you try to move on?

A man who hits walls, tells me he wants to kill me, kisses another woman - jesus who would want him? I wouldn't. You can do better OP - even on your own.

Bin him. Don't bother trying to get him to see that a huge male who hits things and walls and has a temper telling you he wants to kill you might be a tad disconcerting and might actually linger in your memory. He hasn't the capacity to understand and he doesn't actually care.

Really why are you bothering with him? He sounds a complete loser.

MysteryMom · 10/04/2019 00:25

Him hitting things like walls and other things can be considered assault. He is showing you he has it in him to hit you. He is one step down from doing it. It is very emotionally abusive to do and very very controlling. It makes you very scared of him and what he will do next. Will he hit the wall or whatever or you...

Time to leave before he amps it up. He has had an affair, threatened to kill you and is threatening to hit you. What else do you need to happen to leave him? He is non-apologetic, angry and temper ridden. Just wants you, who is the victim in all of this, to just get over this!

Why should you?!? He is abusing you every chance he gets! Run! As far and as fast as you can. Call woman’s aid. Do you own together or rent? Next time he kicks off and is making holes by hitting things and you are scared, call the police!

Original poster

Greeceisgood · 10/04/2019 18:58

He doesnt hit things anymore - well not really for years but he loses temper and is very shouty and sweary. And then he looks like he might but he tends to slam doors and bang fists on table. But I don't like it and feel scared and anxious. And yes the memories do linger. Yes of course he can be nice and says sorry but don't ever want him to be like that. He says I'm unforgiving and make him out to be a monster and then I start to doubt myself again and so it goes on. But now this last year I know he won't change. He says sorry he loves me and blames me for the stalemate situation that I can just no longer move on from.

OP posts:

sleepingstars · 28/07/2019 09:29

The other day he lost his temper and punched himself in the head several times and swore. I felt scared but also very concerned about him.
This happened after a heated discussion about our relationship problems. I have been thinking if separating from him.
After this incident I ended up comforting him and trying to calm him down and at the moment we are ok. But deep down it is all playing on my mind and I don't know what to think.
I've told him how it made me feel (as I've done in the past). I was scared of what he might do next.
These behaviours have gone on for years.
I feel so confused again.

sleepingstars · 28/07/2019 10:28

It's like I panic and feel sorry for him in that moment but then soon remember all the other stuff he does and has done.
I feel so conflicted. Our relationship is in a bad way. He always just wants to move on and I can't stop thinking about it all.

thethoughtfox · 28/07/2019 10:30

This isn't a one off incident that you can move on from. This is life with an angry aggressive man. Your body is trying to keep you save by always being on the alert. Your survival instinct won't let you forget it.

Sunburntnoseandears · 28/07/2019 10:31

Who will know to come looking for you to comfort you when he punches you? It really has come to you /him op. You need to save yourself. He needs help and you aren't a therapist.
Get out of that relationship today.

WhatsInAName19 · 28/07/2019 10:36

You really do have to leave. I think there is a misconception that abusive men always start out charming, then get a bit controlling, then they break things, then they hit you, then they hit you more frequently and the beatings become more severe etc. But there isn't always this neat progression with increasing regularity and intensity. This is how some abusers operate, but some don't. Sometimes it can be years before they hurt you again. Sometimes the first time they raise their fist is the time you end up on life support in hospital. Sometimes you can be happily married for years and then then become abusive. You cannot attempt to predict how this will play out. All I can tell you is that the least likely outcome is that he will stop being abusive and become a wonderful, caring, faithful partner.

Don't be one of the two women who is killed by their partner every week. This is extremely serious. Please imagine that you had a daughter in a marriage like this - what would you say to her? How scared would you be for her? You cannot stay in a relationship with someone you are scared of. Even if he never puts a foot wrong again, you will remain scared for the rest of your life. That's no way to live.

PicsInRed · 28/07/2019 10:53

One of the prime indicators of high risk of a woman being killed by her partner is simply her feeling that he will kill her. Instinct is powerful and yours is telling you something important.

Do you ever fear that he will kill you?

sleepingstars · 28/07/2019 13:50

We have been together over twenty years and many times I've felt scared of what he might do. He has pushed me once and threw something at me once. He uses violence around me (wall thumping etc) and uses aggressive language eg about what he might do to so and so or what he feels like doing - angry talk. I don't fear that he will kill me but even so I don't like what he does.
When I told him how it made me feel when he hit his head (and almost thumped the table but I managed to stop him) he said he understood and said how he wouldn't ever hit me.
He is very stressed and seems to always resort to these type of behaviours and I just get emotional amd panic and cry.... And then we move on.
I know he won't change. He plays it all down later when calmer.

sleepingstars · 28/07/2019 19:33

When he punches his head is it a form of self harm? He was very angry with me and saying angry things and I think over reacting in an extreme manner which is his typical behaviour.

sleepingstars · 29/07/2019 12:44

I am very worried about the thumping of his head. He is ok now and says he gets frustrated but I cannot cope with it.

sleepingstars · 02/08/2019 21:22

Please can any tell me what you think about this and give me some more advice. I have really bad anxiety.

WhateverName2 · 02/08/2019 21:26

You have to leave.. you have one life. Dont give him anymore of yours.. get help. And keep posting here..

katseyes7 · 02/08/2019 21:55

Please, please leave. This won't get better.
My ex husband used to do this. He once threw a wooden stool at me while l was on crutches with a broken ankle. He used to have fits of rage when he smashed the house up. He never hit me, but l was on eggshells for years. Apparently l 'wound him up'. We'd been together 16 years when we eventually divorced.
Before we split up, (we'd agreed to separate, but had to live together til we sold the house), he said that if l ever started seeing anyone else, he'd kill me and him.
He also said that to my mother. (Who took his side, because l'm 'not easy to live with', apparently).
You need to get in touch with a refuge or similar organisation for support (l don't know of any, but l've seen them mentioned on here, so l'm sure people on here can help), and if you can, a support system of family and/or friends who will be there for you. lt's a very hard thing to do, but at the end of the day, it could save your life.
Purely my opinion, but l don't believe men like this can change. Maybe they can get help with whatever's causing them to behave like this, but personally l'd never trust them again.
Be brave and make the move. You won't regret it. And remember, you are not responsible for his behaviour. Good luck x

sleepingstars · 02/08/2019 23:24

Thank you
And what do you think about him punching his head in a fit of temper and desperation?

ColdAndSad · 03/08/2019 10:12

what do you think about him punching his head in a fit of temper and desperation?

It's aimed at himself, but it's intimidating you, and that's not acceptable.

It doesn't matter if he's doing it because he's so frustrated, or because he's mentally ill, or because he wants to frighten you.

It's violent behaviour, and you should not be exposed to it. I'd say that it's an indication that he will eventually hit you, because he clearly thinks that violence is ok. But it's not, it's really not.

sleepingstars · 03/08/2019 11:23

I am worried about it and in the moment it happened I felt scared. He was punching his head and looked like he was about to punch the table but I managed to calm him down. And I thought the neighbour's might hear it all.
When we discussed it later he says sorry and that he doesn't do it very often. He thinks he isn't as bad as he used to be. To me it is just the same and has gone on for years. He can be so verbally angry even if not always physical. I always feel panicky.
He says he gets frustrated or I wind him up.

sleepingstars · 03/08/2019 12:06

He flatly refuses to go for anger management or counselling. I suggest it as a way of trying to help him. He has a clever answer for everything.
This latest episode followed a heated discussion about our relationship problems. He has crossed boundaries with other woman but as he says not a full blown affair! During this last row he admitted meeting up with a former gf but played it all down and said it was a waste of time/meant nothing and he is sorry. (I knew about it and he kept denying it).
I'm trying to get over it all but it isn't easy especially as I've had to put up with his temper and ways for years. Now I'm questioning everything.
At the moment things are ok as I get so upset and he says sorry and is being nice.
But the very fact that I'm writing this says it all...
And yes I want to separate but it ain't easy

Slamdunkdafunkay · 03/08/2019 12:14

I’m sure you know exactly what you need to do.

ColdAndSad · 03/08/2019 12:34

He says he gets frustrated or I wind him up.

You do not make him do this. He chooses to do it, and then when he knows you're frightened, he blames you for it. That is so far beyond acceptable.

There's no point persuading him to see an anger management counsellor. This isn't anger, it's abuse. The only way it will stop is if he chooses to stop, and why would he do that? He's got you where he wants you. Scared of him, doing whatever he tells you to do.

Don't believe him when he says that he's sorry. He keeps on treating you this way because it's working for him. He's not sorry at all.

You can't change him. All you can do is change yourself, and leave him.

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