Self righteous husband

[NellieEllie]

I’ve given up my life for my kids, I have a child with ASD. I was a lawyer before having him. I’ve been a SAHM for 13 years. Taking him to special classes, researching treatments, helping him with homework, trying different diets. My life has been turned upside down.

We are on holiday. We’ve had an evening meal together, I’ve put on loud-ish music to dance to. It makes me feel better. But husband tells me to turn it down and stop because 13 yr old DS wanted to go to his room. It wasn’t upsetting him. He just wanted to be elsewhere. DH took the iPad and speaker and dumped it in the bedroom as though I’m a badly behaved child.

I’ve put up with DH going out on piss, coming back home and peeing all over the bathroom floor. I’ve had to, many times stay awake all night because he has a habit of roaming around when drunk and going into kids rooms. I’ve had to clear up after him, forcibly stop him going into kids rooms. I’ve had to negotiate with cab drivers who have no idea where to drop him because he is too drunk to give a valid address, and pick up his mobile because I’ve been phoning into the early hours. I’ve had to speak to him on the phone in the middle of the night because he has no idea where he is - because he’s drunk,

But I just want to have a 3 minute dance after a meal Ive spent 2 hrs cooking, and Im a selfish bad mother. I feel so frustrated I want to scream.
But I won’t. Because of the children. Because of the children, for 14 yrs, Ive not drunk to excess, ever. I’ve never been away from them overnight Apart from a handful of sleepovers because I have no relatives to look after them.

But I am still.
A bad mother.

What is the point.

L.T.B.

It sounds like he has big booze issues

Your husband has a drink problem - does he see that he has? Can you imagine a better life without him, as from what you describe it sounds like you would have one.
Imagine, being able to dance whenever you felt like it - and I bet you’d feel like it more often.

You know you're not a bad mother. You really truly aren't. In fact you sound like a bloody great mum. But you know the problem you have, don't you? Your horrible, ungrateful husband.

Don't think I've said this before but LTB

Oh love

I will ask the question what do you get out of this life? If you split you get some life back no judgement from a man who has given up nothing in his life you get some happiness back freedom and if he really is a good dad he will have them to stay over and you will get more of your life back

Good question you pose. What is the point of martyring yourself to enable a nasty alcoholic?

Are you on a self catering UK cottage "holiday"? I've had years of that type of "holiday" for you. When you get back, sit down and decided your exit plan or get your dh to an alcohol councillor

He sounds charming.

Why don't you divorce him. You can co-parent and get some time back to re-establish your career if you wish to. He would be forced to actually parent his kids.

Or you can write down everything you just told us and let him read it (or shove it up his arse preferably)

Also agree that your husband has a serious drink problem. It sounds like he's an alcoholic.

His opinion is worthless, start there. Why are you repeating what he says as if he's the one who gets to decide what you are.

When you get back from your ‘holiday’, please start getting back your life. How can that be done? That is the question you need to answer, not whether you are a bad mother.

Undermining the way a woman mothers is a favourite tactic of abusers. This man is abusing your good intentions to act in the best interests of the children. But growing up with an alcoholic father who does not respect their mother is not in the best interests of the children.

You have not given up your life. You have made a decision to support your DC with additional needs, but you have a law degree and doubtless many other skills to offer the world. You are worth more than clearing up his piss and all the shit that being married to a drunk involves.

Get through this and make a plan to start living your best life.

Has he ever been violent to you or your children?

You’re not a bad mother.

What you don’t need is having to act as parent to a man with an alcohol problem.

Are you able to leave and divorce him?

I left my ex because of behaviour like this, I put up with it for 3 years and that was far too long. I'd be leaving your arsehole husband if I were you and claim back some time for yourself. Why should you give up your life so he can live like a young single man with no responsibilities? Life is so much better not having to deal with the stress these sorts of men create. You are not in any way a bad mother, but staying with him will taint that for your DC as they will learn to put up with his appalling treatment of others he is supposed to love.

This is the problem. In a way. He’s not obviously alcoholic. If he goes out or goes to a work function, he can’t seem to put on the brakes, so just gets ridiculously drunk - maybe only every few months. But it means that whenever he goes out, I have to be watchful, because I don’t know what will come back. He can go for 6 months and fine, then completely legless.
Also, day to day, he’s a good dad. Involved with kids, does lots of stuff with them. He’s normally a “good bloke”. People tell me how “lucky” I am. He does at times do cooking, he does do washing etc. It’s not “luck”. I’d never have anything to do with a man that didn’t pull his weight.

I guess the reason I put this on the feminist board is that for all that, he still thinks it’s OK for him to pull the crap he does, and Im overreacting if I call him out, but I just can’t stop being “perfect mum” or if I do, I’m “crap mum”.

To be honest, if it weren’t for the children, I’d have probably left by now. But I’ve not worked for ages, I need to be there, especially for DS. If we split, it would break my DS and I just couldn’t do that. Most of the time, it’s OK, but evenings like this do me in.

I'm arrghhhing with you. Solidarity and

@Erythonium - no, never bern violent. I’d never tolerate that,

I grew up with an alcoholic father. He was not obviously alcoholic either. It left me SO many problems.
I think he is abusive. He is undermining your mothering and he goes off drinking when it suits him (if he can manage six months without a drink, why not six more?) he is happy for you to live on tenterhooks for his next bender and clean up his piss.
But you know all this.

OP, I think your children would be better off away from him. His behaviour is completely unacceptable.

He sounds like my ex. Ex.

I'm so much happier and relaxed now.

And the kids knew exactly what he was like despite my covering for him as best I could. I thought they'd be upset. They weren't. (I have 2 with ASD too)

My oldest won't touch alcohol, and doesn't like it if I drink (I rarely do)

I'm relieved to hear it, Nellie. You do appear to tolerate an awful lot of other stuff though. He sounds like a nightmare and he's bullying you even when he's not drunk - dumping your belongings somewhere as if he physically he has the right to stop you doing something he doesn't like.

He sounds bloody awful

Question is, why do you accept that this is how it is....?

Thing is @hipsterfun, the children have never seen him like that. They’ve always had the good dad. I’ve made sure of that. They’ve never seen him drunk. I’ve even ensured no contact when he’s hungover and smells of booze.

I’ve told him he needs to change. He’s apologised profusely afterwards. I’ve said it’s not good enough, we’ve argued the toss, my view is, he needs to do something. Repeating that it won’t happen again is not good enough because it does happen again.

What it comes back to, is that, for the children I stay. I wouldn’t if I thought his behaviour affects them, but it doesn’t. They love him, respect him, and get much from him. And I can be strong enough to carry on. He’s not bad. He’s just bad in that particular way. He generally supports me and values me.

I do resent that I’m in this position though.

These are the things you tell yourself to justify staying with him. Your first post tells the reality and it's awfull, Nellie. The good bits are what keep women in abusive relationships, but they'll never be good enough.

Oh, it sounds like you need a friend to give you a big hug and remind you how much you are valued and loved. Hopefully the lovely women on this board are going some way to doing that. Holidays can often create more stressful scenarios than staying at home It sounds like you and your husband get on well enough most of the time, but moments like this bring up all the problems that have built up over the years and it can leave you feeling overwhelmingly depressed and hopeless. I would seriously recommend you looking up a good couples councillor when you get home. Sometimes couples just need to have a professional help them communicate their issues and support them in finding positive ways forward for themselves and the children. Hope the rest of the holiday goes much better for you