Self righteous husband

[NellieEllie]

I’ve given up my life for my kids, I have a child with ASD. I was a lawyer before having him. I’ve been a SAHM for 13 years. Taking him to special classes, researching treatments, helping him with homework, trying different diets. My life has been turned upside down.

We are on holiday. We’ve had an evening meal together, I’ve put on loud-ish music to dance to. It makes me feel better. But husband tells me to turn it down and stop because 13 yr old DS wanted to go to his room. It wasn’t upsetting him. He just wanted to be elsewhere. DH took the iPad and speaker and dumped it in the bedroom as though I’m a badly behaved child.

I’ve put up with DH going out on piss, coming back home and peeing all over the bathroom floor. I’ve had to, many times stay awake all night because he has a habit of roaming around when drunk and going into kids rooms. I’ve had to clear up after him, forcibly stop him going into kids rooms. I’ve had to negotiate with cab drivers who have no idea where to drop him because he is too drunk to give a valid address, and pick up his mobile because I’ve been phoning into the early hours. I’ve had to speak to him on the phone in the middle of the night because he has no idea where he is - because he’s drunk,

But I just want to have a 3 minute dance after a meal Ive spent 2 hrs cooking, and Im a selfish bad mother. I feel so frustrated I want to scream.
But I won’t. Because of the children. Because of the children, for 14 yrs, Ive not drunk to excess, ever. I’ve never been away from them overnight Apart from a handful of sleepovers because I have no relatives to look after them.

But I am still.
A bad mother.

What is the point.

Thank you @barelove. That’s about it really.

Where's the [hug] emoji when you need one?

I’m sorry this is happening for you. Sending

You are however, going to great lengths to hide his problem with alcohol from everyone else. That’s not good for you, or him. My DH went through a stage of doing this, if it’s not constant drinking it doesn’t feel like alcoholism so you think you have to put up with it. I told my DH to get it under control, or get out. Under control for me, means no drinking if you’re someone who acts inappropriately when drunk. He gave up for a year, took time to get healthy and understand his relationship with alcohol and why he binge drank. Now he drinks very occasionally and not to excess.

If he’s a great dad now then he will still be a great dad when you are divorced. But you will have 8 days a month off from caring for the kids, and 22 days a month off from worrying about his drinking .

He doesn’t have to have the official label of “ alcoholic “ for you to be allowed to leave.

I say this with kindness and love: you are in denial about his drinking problem. Binge drinking, not being able to control when he goes out, getting to point he can’t find his way home, “apologizing” and doing it all over again next time...this is a problem. Someone does not need to drink everyday to have a problem.

You are also in denial about how bad this all is in general for you (and the kids). Take a delicious peanut butter sandwich. Add 5-10% of sh!t and well, you now have a sh!t sandwich. Kids know a lot more than we think, they observe a lot more than we think. They learn a lot more than we think - they learn from parents what will be acceptable in their own lives. This is all they know. They also will hide and not tell you a lot more than you think - like they know daddy was stumbling around drunk in their room but they don’t want to upset you, or hurt him.

I am sorry OP, but do you want another 14 years of this?

OP, it’s true what Cat says.

They also will hide and not tell you a lot more than you think... they don’t want to upset you, or hurt him.

This is the risk.

His alcohol is one issue, but what is his excuse for taking away your music? Had he been drinking? He sounds controlling.

The kids must have seen him stopping you dancing and dumping your stuff. That would create a horrible atmosphere. It's certainly horrible to read about. What about when he tries to get into their rooms when he's druink or when you're protecting them from his hangovers, how do you keep that from them? I would agree you're in denial.

You are a great mother, Nellie, never doubt that.
But you have a terrible husband and you need to do something, soon.
I don't know what exactly. But please don't excuse him -- I don't think your kindness is helping the situation.

He's awful. Alcoholics are horrible to live with. You're bearing the brunt of it to spare your kids but - trust me - they know. I understand you're venting and can't even form the thought that you should leave him yet. So you rely on him for money and he repeatedly drinks himself stupid. But I bet you watch every penny.

Please leave him for your own sake. Right now you're constantly on edge and always dreading him coming home pissed. Being on a high state of alert is ruining your own physical and mental health but you won't appreciate that until you get away. Please leave him. Don't discuss it, keep your plans secret and especially don't let the kids know. He's not violent yet but I doubt this will last.

In the meantime: I've been there. I'd give you hugs and a shoulder to lean on were I with you now. Please look after yourself first and foremost. Much love to you.

You say that your ‘d’h is a good father. Do you think seeing their father tell you off for playing music and take your devices away like you are a naughty child is healthy?
I feel really angry for you 💐