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Relationships

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Original poster

Fiance not excited about engagement

52 replies

ohmysense · 09/04/2019 18:45

First time poster, apologies for a long rant...

I got engaged recently, which is something I’ve been looking forward to for a long time. The problem is that my fiancé does not seem to be excited about it.

We are in our early 30s and have been together for 3 years. I was open with him early on that I would like to get married and start thinking about children relatively soon. He seemed to be on board with it, and he still says he's sure he wants children etc. About six months ago I initiated the conversation that since we’ve been living together for some time I felt there wasn’t much more for us to find out about each other. So we should decide whether we are making this commitment or parting our ways. I got a bit emotional at the time but he said it was good that I was sharing my feelings with him. Over Christmas even his parents commented that we are moving really slowly in our relationship (in our culture people get married younger than average for the UK, the vast majority of our friends are already married with kids). Anyway, after several conversations like that, he got a ring and proposed.

But now every time I would mention anything related to wedding planning or if we see a wedding-related show on TV, he gets a bit sad and is not keen on these conversations. I did bring it up, and he’s quite open that he is very nervous about getting married and how this is probably the first decision in his life that will be irreversible, especially the having children part. Which I get. But I still cannot shake the feeling that I am forcing him to go through this, and deep inside he doesn’t want to, he’s just trying to convince himself that it will all be ok. When I tried to challenge him, he said that if he didn’t want to he wouldn’t have proposed. And that he doesn’t think that waiting longer before the engagement would have made him feel any more sure about it. Still I feel like he’s looking at our life and thinking “Shoot, is this how my life is going to be forever from now on?” and that doesn’t make him happy. Despite the fact that I thought we had a happy relationship and I have been certainly trying my best to be a good partner.

It also doesn’t help that when he is excited about something, like a holiday etc., he usually is very excited. He’s not one of those people who is always ambivalent about things.

We did tell our parents about the engagement but almost none of our friends. The ring is being resized, so I haven’t got to wear it properly yet. I just always thought I’d be so happy after it finally happens, and now I’m back to being upset and uncertain about the future, and it really sucks. I am even considering giving him the ring back because I feel like him forcing himself to go ahead with this may be a huge mistake for both of us.

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 09/04/2019 19:21

That's not an engagement ring. That's a "put this on and shut the fuck up about weddings" ring.

stressedoutpa · 09/04/2019 19:28

Knowing what I know now I would take a flyer and give the ring back and tell him that I had changed my mind.

It will take courage but how he reacts will tell you all you need to know.

Snuggz · 09/04/2019 19:29

Yea your boyfriend doesn’t want to marry you and only proposed out of pressure from you and his family/societal obligation.

Time to end the relationship, stop wasting both your lives and move on. That way you can find someone who wants the same things you do and he can have his time to grow up/find someone he does want to marry when he is ready.

If you choose to ignore this massive red flag and go ahead and marry, be prepared for a life of misery and regret and ultimate divorce. Plus wasting a lot of money sorting out your joint finances.

This has disaster written all over it.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 09/04/2019 19:30

Do you want him or a wedding? It sounds like a wedding given the "commit or part ways" discussion.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 09/04/2019 19:32

He doesn't want to get married, does he? Your instincts sound correct based on his behaviour. I would give him his ring back, it's not going to end in a happy marriage if he's this miserable about it now.

TowelNumber42 · 09/04/2019 19:32

He does not want to marry you.

You thinking I have been certainly trying my best to be a good partner. is kind of a red flag on you trying to keep any man rather than finding out if he is the right man for you

GlitterPixie · 09/04/2019 19:36

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 absolutely nailed it

Justmuddlingalong · 09/04/2019 19:43

I know a couple who've been engaged for about 7 years. They got engaged due to her insistence. He presented her with one of those "we're engaged, now shut the fuck up about it" rings. They argue constantly about the wedding/marriage she is desperate for but he's avoiding like the plague. Neither is happy about the situation. Google sunken fallacy.

Iflyaway · 09/04/2019 19:54

There's more to life than marriage, you know...

In how far are you living in the expectation of the culture/family obligations that tells you you have to be married to be "succesful"/"normal" in life..

He sounds ambivilent, you sound desperate. No match "made in heaven".

Instead of looking at divorce down the road why don't you put it all on hold and take yourself off to i.e. Thailand solo for a month.

I guarantee you will find a way ahead of how you want to live your life. You could also do the trip with him. And see if you want to part ways or not.

Maybe a radical solution. But I'm older and it's always worked for me.

Original poster

ohmysense · 09/04/2019 20:00

I had the conversation about commitment because I am scared of being in my late-30s and single and risk not having a chance to have children, so I'd rather face the breakup earlier rather than later, if that makes any sense.
I think it's a bit unfair to say that I only want a wedding because if it was true I would have just jumped on this opportunity and not seriously consider to give the ring back etc. I am genuinely trying to work this out, and it's hard. Before the engagement situation I was very sure that I wanted to be with him long term (if he wanted it too of course).
For this relationship to start I had to get out of a previous relationship which was the right thing to do but nevertheless very difficult emotionally, so I've been giving it all a lot of thought for a very long time, and I'm really trying not to ignore any flags.

OP posts:

problem1234567 · 09/04/2019 20:05

Yes, I'm afraid it doesn't sound the best.
I think you need to have a conversation and let him come back with an answer.
Perhaps you can put everything into a letter, give it to him and go away for a week or so to give him thinking space.

QueenBeex · 09/04/2019 20:13

every time I would mention anything related to wedding planning or if we see a wedding-related show on TV, he gets a bit sad

In my opinion, getting sad about it isn't normal at all. Nervous, yes. Sad, no.

Shoxfordian · 09/04/2019 20:30

He doesn't seem like he really wants to marry you

Don't settle for someone who isn't excited about your relationship

greenlynx · 09/04/2019 20:55

He doesn’t want to marry at all or doesn’t want to marry you, he’s just not brave enough to acknowledge this because of cultural/family expectations. He feels that it’s his duty to marry you as you’re living together for so long but I would guess that if in your culture getting a divorce is not appropriate and rare he can’t bring himself to this irreversible commitment.

JaneEyre07 · 09/04/2019 21:01

He's not into it, OP.

Pack up your self respect and move on to find someone who will be excited to marry you.

stressedoutpa · 09/04/2019 21:10

Op, you sound very sensible. I was in a similar-ish situation when I was your age and didn't have the benefit of MN wisdom so stuck with it for too long.

If you want to get married and have children then give him the opportunity to cut his losses and keep looking. I put off doing this but when I did, DH came along a year or so later and there was no question that he was half hearted about any of it.

Don't waste time. It goes quickly.

orangejuiced · 09/04/2019 21:11

Sorry OP, please get out now or you're likely to face a very difficult and depressing time with him.

Hes made it clear hes doing this to stop you and his family pressurising. Imagine how sad you'll feel after marrying him, knowing he didn't really want to marry you? After having a baby and he wants you even less?

My ex was similar, I tried to make it work but it gradually got worse and worse. There was no love. It was much worse to split up once we had a child. It's much harder to find a new relationship now, as a single parent working all the time and looking after children.

Get out and find a great man, who will love you and be excited to marry you, you deserve more than being someone's 'obligation'.

EvaHarknessRose · 09/04/2019 21:18

I agree, give the ring back and be prepared to find his real reaction. It might tell him something,even, like what he stands to lose if he dithers, but this relationship is not proceedable as it stands. Be brave and strong.

Supersimpkin · 09/04/2019 21:24

This must be really hard for you OP.. Not just because DP's already thinking - and talking - about the divorce, but because of his inaction. He's trying to get you to end the relationship so he doesn't get ticked off by his mummy and daddy.

DP is making you jilt yourself at the altar.

No one deserves that. The sad thing is that you sound great and DP should be bloody grateful, but Life doesn't work like that.

If I were you, I would go go straight to your and his family and say:

' DP has told me he doesn't want to marry me/love me. As you can imagine, I am shattered, But he wants me to be the one to break the engagement because he's worried about looking bad in front of everyone. What do you think?'

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/04/2019 21:25

I'd leave.

I couldn't marry someone who was settling with me out of pressure, and felt sad about it. I deserve more than you; and you do too.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 09/04/2019 22:47

I should start by saying I think you did the right thing in questioning the future of the relationship. There is nothing wrong with being certain that you want to be a mother and pursuing that. I think many people would tell you that they wish they had done the same.
Your post is a little dispassionate though. It reads a little as though you have a vacancy to fill and you have offered him a job as your husband and father of your children. There is not much talk of how you love him and cannot imagine life without him. Is he absolutely the only one for you? Is he the only one for you or is he a really nice man who you happen to be with at the relevant moment?
I’m afraid I also agree with Supersimpkin that this suggests a lack of courage and initiative on his part. He appears to be trying to get you to force the issue because he doesn’t want to be ‘the bad guy’.
I hope you through it, one way or the other.

SparklyMagpie · 09/04/2019 22:55

Think you've pressured him. He isn't into at all is he so do the right thing and leave

Hes only put a ring ( albeit it doesn't fit ) on it for one reason and one reason only

This wont end well for either of you.

And personally, I wouldn't want to he engaged or marry someone who I and family essentially pushed into proposing in the first place

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 09/04/2019 23:07

This is exactly why when everyone on MN says “ it’s 2019 FFS, propose to him”, I wince a bit.
Yes it’s a lovely idea kbut in reality,the lack of connections in the male brain really show.
Give the ring back. Withdraw. He’ll either up his game or realise it’s not what he wants. But at least you’ll know.

As an aside..do you really like him or is it time ticking? I think some men do pick up that it might not be all about them in the scheme of things,.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 09/04/2019 23:19

SheWoreBlueVelvet.

What do you mean when you say the lack of connections in the male brain show?

Boilerbap · 09/04/2019 23:27

Is he actively obstructive in wedding planning...Or just not that interested?

I do think this makes a difference. The difference between "it's important to you so I'll do it because you are important. But it's not important to me" and "I don't want this"

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