Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Met his ex - and she’s so much like me!

32 replies

BlessedFox · 09/04/2019 14:53

For context she was his last girlfriend, they dated for just under a year and split amicably about six months before he met me. He ended it with her because, he says, he realised there “was no real future”. She was upset because she did see potential and a future but agreed to split.

I’d never met or even seen photos of her before and he didn’t really mention her much other than when we were talking about past history early on in our relationship.

Anyway, at the weekend we were at a festival and DP got a tap on his shoulder, turned round and exclaimed “(ex girlfriend’s name)!” We stood around chatting for a bit and I couldn’t help but notice how alike she and I are. Similar looks, personality, humour etc.

I know that some people have a type but it was sort of unnerving just how alike we were. We could be sisters and it has made me question what DP and I have for the first time. I mean, does he like and love me for me or because I either remind him of his ex or because I’m his “type”?

Please hand me a grip if I’m overthinking this but AIBU to be a bit freaked out by this?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/04/2019 14:56

You are WAY overthinking this. You met her for 5 seconds, you have no idea what she's really like.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/04/2019 14:57

Meh. I'd understand a bit if she'd left him and broken his heart, but that's not the case.

I look quite like DPs last serious girlfriend. It was weird for a few days after I saw her for the first time, but I got over it. He sees us as totally different people. We have similarities, but it'd also be weird if we had none at all.

I'd try and let this one go; in the nicest way. I think you're overthinking here.

mamato3lads · 09/04/2019 14:59

If you're someone who over thinks, like me, I can see how this would unnerve you. BUT if it was me, I'd be soothed by the fact HE left her. If she'd left him, it would be a tricky pill to swallow. He clearly has a type...most people do. X

CrisisMummy · 09/04/2019 15:11

Meh. I have realised my BF has a type: a little in looks but mostly in personality. Tbh, I can handle that; what was harder was that, not only do his Family compare me to his ExW (they hate her, so it isn't a good thing), I have realised we are all, to a greater or lesser extent, like his Mother (which is DEFINITELY bad, both as an absolute fact and about what it says about his psyche ...).

Boilerbap · 09/04/2019 15:23

Wouldn't you be worried if you were exact opposites? " What does he see in me?"

Yep you're over thinking it.

ElspethFlashman · 09/04/2019 15:26

Meh, people have a type. DH resembles lads I was with in the past. But the difference is they were boring, he is not.

I guarantee your personality is not as similar as you jumped to presume after 10 minutes of small talk.

KylieKoKo · 09/04/2019 16:06

I am totally different to dps ex in looks and personality and used to feel insecure about that. It's interesting to see the other perspective.

Original poster
BlessedFox · 09/04/2019 16:14

@KylieKoKo

That’s interesting. I think maybe it’s because I’ve always myself gone for the opposite of my exes with the next one.

OP posts:
Fedupofthisrubbish · 09/04/2019 16:36

I wouldn't worry. You don't know what she's like as a pp said.

I got a flashback there however. I remember an old boyfriend of mine having a female friend who lived in the same building. One day I opened the door and there she was, I nearly fell over in shock. She was uncannily similar; hair, figure, style (our outfits were quite distinctive and yet nearly matching), mannerisms.

I kept wondering did he harbour a secret crush.

I was completely wrong and we all had a good laugh about it later.

PinkHeart5914 · 09/04/2019 16:40

Some people just have a type, that’s what they find attractive so partners can be similar. It’s nothing unusual

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 09/04/2019 17:06

Everyone thought my ex's mum was my older sister. He is now with someone who could be my younger sister.

He definitely has a type.

runoutofnamechanges · 09/04/2019 17:18

I never thought I had a type, in fact, if you asked me what "look" I find most attractive, I would have probably have said tall, slim, blonde men. Then for a hen party game, we were asked to bring photos of boyfriends from our teenage years for everyone to guess who dated who (and laugh at our ridiculous teenage hairstyles). They were all average height, muscular, and dark haired...

Butterflyone1 · 09/04/2019 17:28

I'd chill out a bit. He broke up with her for a reason. he is obviously attracted to a certain look. As for assessing that you both have the similar humour and personality, you might be jumping the gun a bit if you only spent a few moments talking to her.

He's with you now and not her. If it makes you feel better ask him how he felt seeing her again. That should give you some comfort.

Original poster
BlessedFox · 09/04/2019 20:54

He's with you now and not her. If it makes you feel better ask him how he felt seeing her again. That should give you some comfort.

I did and I do ☺️

He said that whilst he could see that there is a superficial similarity in appearance and personality, we are completely different characters and that it would never have worked with her which is why he ended it.

Phew! I do overthink things don’t I Blush

OP posts:
SimonJT · 09/04/2019 20:56

Lots of people have types, it doesn’t mean they still fancy an ex. My two exs look very similar, I’m aware that I have a definite type.

Original poster
BlessedFox · 09/04/2019 20:58

@SimonTJ

So, out of interest, would you say your “type” was more physical than personality?

OP posts:
SimonJT · 09/04/2019 21:02

As a initial attraction thing yes, but obviously after that personality etc becomes far more important.

Original poster
BlessedFox · 09/04/2019 21:04

So what do you make of him saying that there was zero chance that it could have ever worked out with his ex? Why get involved in the first place then? Sex?

OP posts:
SimonJT · 09/04/2019 21:07

Relationships are based on more than a persons looks, after all if they work out both people end up, wrinkly, gray and saggy. You have no idea if you’re compatible with someone until you start dating them.

Original poster
BlessedFox · 09/04/2019 21:10

I know that of course, but what I mean is wouldn’t you figure that out well before a year?

Actually I’m overthinking this again!

OP posts:
Dieu · 09/04/2019 21:10

If given the option, I would always choose tall, and dark hair. It's just my preferred type. It doesn't mean that my partners have to be carbon copies of each other.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 09/04/2019 21:11

I would say DH has a type: sporty loud brunette (think Julia Bradbury). All his exes have been similar. I am a bookish, introverted redhead.

DS1 also has had lots flings and dalliances with girls of all descriptions but his three serious long term relationships have been with gentle, serious, Indian girls. This actually makes me a bit uncomfortable in a way I can’t articulate; almost like it’s a bit objectifying, though he has genuinely been very keen on each of these girls.

So yeah, in my experience, some men do have a type.

SimonJT · 09/04/2019 21:13

You are over thinking, but that’s normal and most of us do it. Most people would probabl figure it out before a year, I did after about six months, but kept at it for another year as I thought it was better than being single, I’m am aware that thats really stupid.

Bluntness100 · 09/04/2019 21:16

Blimey this is a bit extreme op. They dated for a year, found it didn't work and it ended. That's normal. Questioning whyhe didn't end it earlier or even got with her is just odd. We all have exes.

Do you suffer from jealousy or low self esteem. Or maybe both?

Original poster
BlessedFox · 09/04/2019 21:17

@SimonJT

So when you say your two exes look similar but that it doesn’t mean you still fancy them, does that mean you don’t fancy them anymore or that you still fancy them but know that it wouldn’t work so choose not to be with them?

OP posts: