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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner keeping me a secret

48 replies

Justme49 · 09/04/2019 13:20

i there, apologies if this is long winded but here goes....
I've been with my partner for around 2 years now. All is good except three things....his 3 close female pals. I am not a jealous woman and never have been but my problem is that they know nothing about me and think he is single. He has lied to me and said they DO know about me but one of them, he was having an 8 year affair with which I found out from her and one of them is an ex from years ago who he swore knew about me until I called her the other week to arrange an appointment and she had no idea about me. The third one he says knows of me but I think the writing is on the wall with that one.
I have told him on many occasions I have no problems with his female friends. All i.want is for them to know I exist. Why would he want them to think he is single? I am so hurt and he just refuses to see it from my point of view. Keeps calling me jealous and I am.so not.Anytime i bring any of this up, he keeps going on the defensive and its causing strife in our repationship on a regular basis.
Any comments would be greatly appreciated coz I think I'm going mad:(

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 09/04/2019 13:21

Break up with him. He doesn’t respect you and he had an 8 year affair with a woman.

He’s an arsehole OP and won’t change.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/04/2019 13:27

This is not going to work OP.
He's taking no responsibility.
He's still lying to you.
He's a cheat.
Why are you putting up with this?
Do you live together?

lifebegins50 · 09/04/2019 13:34

He has lied to me and said they DO know about me

If you know he has lied to you then why are you still with him? Trust is a basic requirement in any relationship and you can't trust him.
He is lying and keeping you a secret for a reason..why do you think that is?

Strip away his accusations of you as they are just clever defences and manipulative tactics that he uses to avoid having to answer you. It's classic Darvo, Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.

Unless you want to be part of his harem then leave. I guess he must really enjoy stringing so many women along and perhaps he tells friends what he can get away with.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 09/04/2019 13:38

Leave him op, it’ll never get better. I had a bf like this. Two years in and his female friend, who was also an ex, didn’t know I existed and he refused to tell her. It just went from bad to worse tbh

Forthepurposesofthetape · 09/04/2019 13:39

He wants them to think he is single because he is still interested in them or even still seeing them. He is getting off on having you all in his life.

TheStuffedPenguin · 09/04/2019 13:41

The last post ^^^

Orange6904 · 09/04/2019 13:53

He is keeping his options open and stringing you along. Get out now before there is heartache further down.

PositiveVibez · 09/04/2019 13:55

Fuck him off now.

There's no future with him. He doesn't see you as a long-term prospect.

LazyLizzy · 09/04/2019 13:57

Any comments would be greatly appreciated coz I think I'm going mad

You'd be mad to stay with him.

Stand up for yourself.

Chamomileteaplease · 09/04/2019 13:59

How does he try to justify his behaviour? Apart from the jealousy nonsense, surely he doesn't have a leg to stand on ??

Original poster
Justme49 · 09/04/2019 14:07

Thanks for these replys. It's what I know deep down. I love him and yet I hate him. I don't want him going around saying I'm a jealous psycho gf coz I am.not. i.told him HE is the psycho. And no, we don't live together thank God. I guess it's time to move on and get rid.

OP posts:
DavyCrocket · 09/04/2019 14:14

He's either worried about losing his so called friends, has booty calls or doesn't believe you'll run the course. If it was three months fair enough. 3 years, think that says it all.

Ask yourself the reasons you are with him and if they are great reasons, talk it out and don't take no for an answer. Doesn't have to be emotional or heated. Just very matter of fact.

Tartanwarrior · 09/04/2019 14:17

Yep, it's crap. He's confusing you with the " jealousy " thing, which allows him to carry on his behaviour.

Letmedowneasy · 09/04/2019 14:29

Is he Simon Cowell?

cheeseypizza · 09/04/2019 14:39

What did you need an appointment with his friend for ? Misses the point of the thread.

FizzyGreenWater · 09/04/2019 14:45

Don't have a relationship with a liar.

Eatmycheese · 09/04/2019 14:50

Don’t insult other men who actually are another person’s partner by calling this piece of excrement one.

MsDogLady · 09/04/2019 15:04

He is treating you with contempt.

Would he be fine with you portraying yourself as single, lying to him, and then angrily shifting the blame to his ‘jealousy’?

I would have left him after the first lie.

AppleBru · 09/04/2019 15:10

Why on earth do you find someone who had an 8 year affair attractive. That says a lot about him

Original poster
Justme49 · 09/04/2019 15:28

I am 51 and am scared of being alone. How sad am I....

OP posts:
LazyLizzy · 09/04/2019 15:41

OP you were alone before you met him. You are an adult, you will be fine.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/04/2019 16:34

I am 50 and friggin' love being single!
The freedom is great.
Don't put up with this out of fear.
I fear for you if you stay!
Being with a liar and a cheat is not good for your mental health!

AgentJohnson · 09/04/2019 18:19

Who is he going to tell that you’re a psycho gf to, if he doesn’t acknowledge that you are his gf? Bin him, there’s a reason he lied to you about them and it wasn’t for you or their benefit.

Sally2791 · 09/04/2019 18:33

Please don't be scared of being alone. There are far far worse options than that. He is a liar. Leave

Middersweekly · 09/04/2019 19:45

He is keeping his options open for sure. Doesn’t want to say he’s taken for fear these other women will no longer pander to him. He’s obviously got the gift of the gab and thinks he’s gods gift. Personally after 2 years I would expect much more of him and your needs should be met well above these so called ex’s! Dump him and find someone who truly loves you!