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Original poster

35 year old man won't grow up?

50 replies

Senseiwu · 09/04/2019 11:28

What would you think of a 35 year old man who is studying (found his passion quite late in the day), living in shared accommodation, has no kids, had a drinking problem and one (apparently abusive) relationship throughout his 20s, still goes out til 6am on a monthly basis and doesn't drive? I know those things are all fairly common but am I wrong to think that he just hasn't grown up and I'll end up disappointed?
He is beyond lovely to me, pays his way and more, is kind, funny, self aware, has aspirations and says he's behind by a decade because his relationship was draining him of everything. I say apparently abusive because I'm hyper vigilant of men claiming that their exes were mental, as mine does about me!

OP posts:
TomorrowsPrincess · 09/04/2019 11:40

Who does he need to 'grow up' for?
He has no kids and seemingly he looks after only himself?
Maybe your judging him by your standards of how a 35year old man should be. He's not hurting anyone.
If your asking if he's relationship material...... who knows? Who's to say he doesn't 'change his ways' for the right woman. Not that he should change. I know if I was single with no kids I'd be out till all hours too, drinking my weight in pink gin and having fun.
He sounds free spirited..... and as long as he's treating you ok..... go with the flow.

Bananalanacake · 09/04/2019 11:40

as long as he works and is well over the drinking problem I would have no issues.

blueskiesovertheforest · 09/04/2019 11:45

In and of himself that's fine, he's not hurting anyone, he's not still living with his mum, so I'd think good for him, he might as well enjoy life and study if that's what he enjoys.

Are you asking because he's a romantic proposition/ boyfriend? I'd think in that case it depends what you want and on your life phase. Fine if you're in the same life phase and just looking for a causal relationship, absolutely terrible match if you're a single parent with a full time job looking for an equal life partner to take out a mortgage with.

BlingLoving · 09/04/2019 11:53

I don't think he has to "grow up" and live a more traditional life as a 35 year old if he doesn't want to. But you absolutely also don't have to accept it if it doesn't work for you. It sounds like you're in different places in your life so this relationship may not be the one for you.

If you DO decide to stay with him, I'd be questioning your claim that he's got a drinking problem. A man who likes to party until dawn a few times a month and who can still fulfil his studying/work/financial commitments is not really a drinking problem. But if he's constantly drunk or unable to have a few nights off, then that is a problem and even with everything else being perfect I'd think it was probably not a good idea to get involved.

pissedonatrain · 09/04/2019 12:05

It depends. What are you looking for?

What is the passion he is studying for?

Is he currently working? Has he held down a job before?

Why doesn't he drive?

m0vinf0rward · 09/04/2019 12:05

So basically you want him to change into what you want, rather than accepting him for who he is? Sounds rather controlling to me. He doesn't have to change for you or anyone, it's his right to live his life how he likes, either accept that or move on.

Coolcoolcoolcoolcool · 09/04/2019 12:13

I'm going to go against the grain and say I wouldn't date him. If your lifestyle is completely different to his I think it would cause a massive issue.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/04/2019 12:13

He is not your fixer upper or project to improve. I would think this man is not attractive for having a relationship with and will always be the proverbial manchild.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/04/2019 12:20

I’ll echo others that he doesn’t need to “grow up”. He doesn’t have a family to support and he doesn’t appear to be promising anything different than what and who he is. I wouldn’t personally date him, because I have my financial and career shit sorted and would want the same in a partner; but that’s just a compatibility issue.

Marriage, kids and happy-ever-after in s traditional lifestyle isn’t for everyone. If it’s what you want, you need to concentrate on finding somebody who also wants and is in a position to offer that rather than try to change somebody who doesn’t seem to.

blueskiesovertheforest · 09/04/2019 12:21

Coolcoolcoolcoolcool that isn't going against the grain. Nobody's saying date him, they're saying choose a good match and if he isn't one move on rather than trying to change him.

RuffleCrow · 09/04/2019 12:23

He won't change.

If you'd be happy in a ltr with the kind of man you describe proceed with caution.

If not, Next!

Original poster
Senseiwu · 09/04/2019 13:14

I realise I didn't really give enough info in my op but I wanted to see if there were any immediate red flags that were obvious to others - my radar is a bit wonk due to childhood abuse etc.
He says he HAD a drinking problem throughout his 20s, that wasn't my claim and it isn't current.
Yes he works 2 jobs, 1 to fund his studies and 1 linked to his studies. I've not known him to ever miss work and he seems to enjoy both.
I am on the opposite end of the scale I suppose - had unwanted responsibility thrust on me when my ex left. I have 2 dc (who ex doesn't see) a mortgage, 2 jobs and other family responsibilities. Sometimes I'm actually jealous of this guy's carefree lifestyle!
I'm not sure yet what I'm looking for - some days I love my freedom and the fact that all decisions are mine, other days I am overwhelmed by it and would love someone to pick up the slack.

OP posts:
LexMitior · 09/04/2019 13:20

This man isn’t for you. He’s managing his life in the way he wants. It’s pretty unattractive to be considered a fixer upper, or perhaps because of current lifestyles, able to pick up things for a partner.

Decide what you want, but don’t look at a prospective partner for what they can do for you. Sane, solvent and emotionally stable. That’s the start.

Original poster
Senseiwu · 09/04/2019 13:21

And I most certainly don't want to change him. I like hearing that he has an active social life, a lot of friends and things he does without me. All things my ex didn't do and that I now look for in a man.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 09/04/2019 13:23

Well, it sounds like he's very responsible in terms of his own life. But is happy living a lifestyle that isn't necessarily in line with yours. In which case, it probably won't work out. If he's living this life while he's a student with every intention of then getting a job in his new area and having a more "traditional" life, then maybe it's worth seeing where it goes. But it certainly doesn't sound like he's in a position right now to be your partner in parenting, finances etc so it might just be bad timing.

Original poster
Senseiwu · 09/04/2019 13:31

I haven't asked what he wants in the future in terms of lifestyle because I initially said in no uncertain terms that I didn't want someone to move in with me and dc, take any kind of role in their lives or have any say in my life. As I get to know him more I'm starting to revisit what it is I want. I haven't mentioned that to him though. I'm trying to figure him out from his actions because he could say anything and I wouldn't necessarily know it was true (I'm wary of cocklodgers).
I'm also aware that he could enjoy being with me because he likes the fact that our lives are not entwined and therefore he maintains his minimal responsibility.

OP posts:
Original poster
Senseiwu · 09/04/2019 14:10

How do I figure out what I actually want?! I don't think I want a traditional lifestyle although I seem to have one, I'm certainly not aiming for bigger house/more money/more children. In that respect I don't need to have a traditional relationship...but how long can you go on just seeing someone once a week?

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 09/04/2019 14:40

Is he your financial equal?

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/04/2019 15:14

but how long can you go on just seeing someone once a week?.

Well; indefinitely, if that’s what you both want. I have a high-pressure, long-hours career, several hobbies, a lot of friends, and an active social life. It therefore suits me to have a couple of casual partners who I see once a week or so and/or can integrate into that social life. I’ve been doing this with two people for almost three years and it works all around. We’re close, there’s care and tenderness, but we aren’t responsible for or tied up with each other.

Do you have to put restrictions and labels on what you want right now? Why not just keep doing what you’re doing now until it stops being what you want, then review?

Original poster
Senseiwu · 09/04/2019 18:02

Why not just keep doing what you’re doing now until it stops being what you want, then review?
I could do with remembering this! Thanks for the reminder! Often wrapped up in either the future or the past.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 09/04/2019 18:05

I am struggling to see what he is doing that is immature op? Plenty of mature students, he works to support himself, is studying to better himself, pays for himself, and has an active social life, but doesn't appear to be partying normally.

What is grown up to you? Why are you frowning on him like this?

Original poster
Senseiwu · 09/04/2019 19:14

I haven't called him immature and I'm not frowning on him! I'm wary of drinking problems, as I've been married to an alcoholic, and I'm scared of ending up with a cocklodger. Plus as explained my red flag radar is pretty non existent due to past abuse.

OP posts:
Middersweekly · 09/04/2019 19:16

At least he’s working and studying. He could be a complete waster but he’s applied himself which is good. I would be more worried about the previous alcohol abuse and whether or not he still drinks. If he does then I would probably be a bit wary. I also think the sharing a house depends on the area you live in. Some places (London for example) are extremely expensive and it might be all he can afford whilst he is studying.
I think it really depends on your expectations from the relationship, your age etc. If you’re not looking to move him in, have more kids or marry him then there’s no harm continuing on!

Middersweekly · 09/04/2019 19:18

Sorry cross posts @OP You are right to be wary about the alcoholism!

Bluntness100 · 09/04/2019 19:24

I haven't called him immature and I'm not frowning on him

Op, what part of "35 year old man won't grow up" is not calling him immature or frowning on him? Confused