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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

35 year old man won't grow up?

50 replies

Senseiwu · 09/04/2019 11:28

What would you think of a 35 year old man who is studying (found his passion quite late in the day), living in shared accommodation, has no kids, had a drinking problem and one (apparently abusive) relationship throughout his 20s, still goes out til 6am on a monthly basis and doesn't drive? I know those things are all fairly common but am I wrong to think that he just hasn't grown up and I'll end up disappointed?
He is beyond lovely to me, pays his way and more, is kind, funny, self aware, has aspirations and says he's behind by a decade because his relationship was draining him of everything. I say apparently abusive because I'm hyper vigilant of men claiming that their exes were mental, as mine does about me!

OP posts:

Original poster

Senseiwu · 09/04/2019 19:27

It's a question. There's a question mark.

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RosaWaiting · 09/04/2019 19:29

I wouldn't date them...in fact I'd go further and say I'm not sure I'd be friends with them because of the drinking

my best friend is maybe a functional alcoholic. The functional thing makes it work okay but there's a dread and a worry of what the future holds. I probably have to face facts she'll be gone long before me. But that's a risk we all take with anyone we love, in a way....

also it depends how the addiction manifests. I did have a friend who was a heroin addict and that was just way too much. I think, before I cut off the friendship, that he was going to start asking for money.

Original poster

Senseiwu · 09/04/2019 19:31

Have I worded my op poorly? The drinking was in his 20s he's now 35.

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RosaWaiting · 09/04/2019 19:37

OP my best mate is nearly 50....I would say that people would have described her as having a drinking problem on and off. Going back to one of her stable periods, people might have said she "had" a drinking problem in the past.

sorry, this sounds bonkers, but every time she stops, her parents and my parents really believes she's stopped - but all she's done is move from not remembering how she got home, to drinking at home IYSWIM.

also, whose version of events is it that the drinking problem is in the past? Is he out till 6am without drink or drugs?

I did occasionally do that without either drink or drugs in my 30s as well....but I was one of a tiny minority. I see addiction as a very powerful thing. I have my own demons too, so no judgement.

Original poster

Senseiwu · 09/04/2019 19:43

I see, and yes I know what you mean Rosawaiting. He definitely still drinks as we drink together. He has said his drinking is no longer problematic...

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PinkBlueStripes · 09/04/2019 19:49

I know someone exactly like this, an ex. He became an ex because he drank too much in his 20s and I grew up with alcoholism in family so that was a deal breaker. Recently saw him and he told me he wish he had children and would have stopped drinking if he'd had them.

RosaWaiting · 09/04/2019 19:51

Pink "Recently saw him and he told me he wish he had children and would have stopped drinking if he'd had them"

wonder why he thinks that.

I might have to NC after saying this...! but best friend's sister was always a heavy drinker too, worse than my bestie. She also said she'd stop after having a baby...nope, got worse. Not that having DC was the best idea for her, but now going waaaay off topic.

OP, choose carefully!

PinkBlueStripes · 09/04/2019 19:53

6am on a monthly basis

Common?

Original poster

Senseiwu · 09/04/2019 20:11

I don't know....is it common? Seems in his circles it is and in the past (pre dc) it was for me too.
To be honest pre dc I was very similar to him! Had to grow up quick!

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bsc · 09/04/2019 20:20

Having two jobs and studying seems fairly grown-up and responsible to me, tbh. He doesn't impinge on your life, you have fun together, do you want more?

Bluntness100 · 09/04/2019 20:27

Op, I don't think you're into this guy. Just end it. You don't need to search for an excuse, really you don't.

Original poster

Senseiwu · 09/04/2019 21:05

Actually I think it's the other way round bluntness I'm really into him and self sabotaging!

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OldAndWornOut · 09/04/2019 21:08

I've got one thing to say about this man.
Lucky bastard!

Original poster

Senseiwu · 09/04/2019 21:24

Oh I know! I want the freedom he has!

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Original poster

Senseiwu · 09/04/2019 21:50

In fact this whole thought process was kickstarted by him going out on the weekend and staying out til 6am - he sent me some soppy drunk texts at 6am while I was just waking up with my dc. I was immediately and irrationally jealous (of his freedom) and that made me wonder if this can ever work!

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MitziK · 09/04/2019 22:06

Do you fancy the idea of him rolling in through the front door at 6am, ratarsed, telling you how much he loves you and trying to get a shag/snogging you whilst stinking of booze before puking all over your bed and passing out until teatime?

Original poster

Senseiwu · 09/04/2019 22:08

I lived with that for 8 years MitziK and won't do it again!

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MoreProseccoNow · 10/04/2019 08:22

OP, your boundaries are there to protect you!

Don't repeat history; this man sounds like a problem drinker.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 10/04/2019 08:51

still goes out til 6am on a monthly basis and doesn't drive

This would be a “No” for me.
I’m mid-30s.

I think you’ve had a hard time on this thread btw if you want kids and to settle down this does NOT sounds like the man for you

MoreProseccoNow · 10/04/2019 10:12

PS; OP have you read up on co-dependency? Melodie Beattie's book? Might be worth a read if you have spent time with an alcoholic.

category12 · 10/04/2019 10:12

It's fine if you like it the way it is, and are not wanting the relationship escalator that many people get on almost automatically.

There's a lot to be said for the dating part, of seeing each other for fun and not moving on to the washing socks and mundane part.

user1479305498 · 10/04/2019 11:16

When I met my H he was 30 , never married, doing an internship and a course combined in something he had a passion for, 24 years later he is successful and known in his field. He also only learnt to drive 5 years ago(and I don’t drive) . I see nothing wrong with this, he isn’t cocklodging off you, treats you well , and is what I call’a late starter’ . Let’s face it if this was the other way around and it was a guy posting who had met a mature student, who was kind, shared what they had, I don’t think anyone would think twice about it. I would have fun and keep it casual, if you aren’t looking for ‘a solvent white knight saviour’ there is no issue — until there is and you can reevaluate at that point. I would say though don’t plan on him being involved any more children or anything involving big financial outlays for a good while

pudding21 · 10/04/2019 11:25

I’m with a guy at the moment who is 43. He has his own business which earns him enough to pay what he needs. He lives in an annexe next to his uncles house with very little in facilities (I love overseas) He uses his spare time to surf, play drums and do things he likes. He’s a total free spirit (not a drinker at all). He’s kind patient and fun. He loves and enjoys life. He doesn’t have kids, he had no real commitments aside from his job.

You know what, he’s a breath of fresh air for me (total opposite of controlling ex). He’s not really “grown up” in the sense most people judge. I support myself and two kids so don’t really need that from anyone. He is generous with his time and what he has and he’s a good person. I like that fact if he’s not that busy with work he lays in and goes surfing. He’s got the life balance right in my view.

He might drive a clapped out old car, still wearing clothes that he’s had for years and a bit worn round the edges. He doesn’t fit into any box, and I like that.

Take a chance and if it starts to bother you reassess your relationship. For me I’m enjoying my forever kid.

DaffoDeffo · 10/04/2019 11:34

I think there are needs of yours he's not meeting. It sounds like to me the need to be looked after to a certain degree? (I'm not saying all the time but certainly a little bit).

I have been in a similar situation to you and for a long time, I thought it was about seeing my partner more physically (like you I was seeing him once a week). But after a while, I realised it was nothing to do with how many times I saw him. There was something else missing and it wasn't the physical seeing of him - it was the emotional side.

Have a think about what you think he isn't giving you. One of the best tips someone gave me was to write down what I thought was a priority for me in terms of my needs (so stability, reliability, fun, physical closeness etc.) and try and think which one of those he isn't meeting because it sounds to me as if there's something amiss.

Original poster

Senseiwu · 10/04/2019 22:40

Thanks moreprosecconow for the recommendation, I've downloaded and started codependency no more and it's feeling very familiar.

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