He expects a text every 30 minutes

[tillyegg]

Hello, I met a guy around 8 months ago online. I'm not looking for opinions on online/long distance relationships and no, we are not official boyfriend/girlfriend. However, for the moment, this both works well for us - both Aspergers/social anxiety and we are both very comfortable with this setup.

I've never messaged super, super frequently, I'd say I text every 2 hours if I am at home, have a quick conversation (he usually replies straight away or under 15 minutes). In the evening it's usually a back and forth messaging through a game we both play.

If I am at uni, I will message before I leave and then when I am home again. When he is, he will message usually throughout the day with little updates, which I respond to at the end of the day. It has always been like this and there has never been a problem.

He recently said to me that he feels that he is making more effort with it, trying to engage in conversation and share more about his day (which I do love) than I do mine.

He says when he is at uni, he is able to send a quick text between each class etc. and when he is at home he can answer under 15 mins and asked why it just isn't possible for me to do the same? To be honest, I don't know, I do love texting him (it's how we are most comfortable) but I suppose I do the activity I'm doing and then text, I'm not sure. Anyway, he says it's a bit sad because he makes the effort to make the time for a text.

To be honest, he brought this up a few times and I did keep saying I would try and improve and then I admit I said 30 mins would be reasonable if I am just at home or something. However, I didn't message for 2 hours this morning because I just had my phone on charge and he says he's a bit hurt and that it's okay, we can do it my way now, that he won't message for a few hours and will put me to the back of his mind while he is doing activities and will then text later on.

I said I think this is unfair, it would hurt me if he starting acting differently around me. He has always acted the other way about texting, so it is obviously possible for him to do that. I've never been like that and he never used to have a problem. So do you understand what I mean? Although he says it's ok then, we will do it how I want, he will be changing how he is to me? I hope I make sense. Who is in the wrong?

Can I say that yes this may sound very full on for some people but like I say, I don't like social situations and he is seriously the only person I genuinely enjoy talking to.

I think people message more or less depending on what they're doing. If you're working or studying then you're too busy to message and messaging shouldn't be a duty, which it will become if you have a time frame to reply!

30 min texting is obsessive. It wastes your time and his. Four times a day is enough for lovers (that could be four short to moderate conversations) and far too much for anyone else.

In trying to insist, he is being controlling (as well as worryingly needy).

Bin him. I’m autistic too, and I can see the red flags from here.

You have to establish some boundaries with him. Texting every 30 minutes is not a priority for you, and nor should it be, as presumably you have a life to lead.
It is a priority for him, but he cannot hope to force that on any other functioning adult.
He sounds needy, immature, passive aggressive and controlling, OP. If he can't respect this, then I would have second thoughts about the relationship.
YOU have done nothing wrong, so don't let him manipulate or guilt trip you for one minute.

It is nice to keep in touch throughout the day so I can see it from his viewpoint. I’m incredibly responsive to messages but I appreciate other people aren’t, so think he needs to understand that it isn’t a reflection of your direct feelings towards him. It doesn’t make sense to keep to a scheduled time frame of texting every half an hour. You might not have much to talk about. Also if you’re in classes, I assume they’re an hour at least, so he wants you to disrupt your learning to appease him which isn’t okay.

I don’t think you should give in to his demanding behaviour, and explain that you care for him but don’t feel the need to be in touch for the sake of being in touch.

Can I ask if he is controlling in other ways? The only instances I’ve heard of where a partner has wanted constant contact is in abusive relationships.

He sounds awful and controlling. Who wants to spend their day tied to a phone? You're obviously both young, perhaps you can't remember life before mobiles phones? I understand you have anxiety, but being tied to a phone rather than enjoying your studies and hobbies will make this WORSE not better.

Have you ever met in person? Regardless, I'd ditch him and work on my confidence to meet someone in person who doesn't want a relationship with their smart phone key pad.

Life is short, please live it!

I don't want to bin him. He means a lot to me and really does help me. He says he doesn't mind stopping the texting and requesting the same, as he didn't realise I had a problem with that and we can do it my way, but the thing is, he is then not going to be how he was to me which i think is unfair. He says I can have it both ways, but he was always like that and I wasn't, so I'm not changing at all, but he will be?

Then I think you really have to have a think about what you want

*cant

He isn't controlling at all in other ways. He really is the nicest person I have ever met and I'm not just saying that.

So he's emotionally blackmailing you to get his way. Urgh. Honestly, there will be sweet sensitive men at your own uni. Don't wast your youth staring at a phone humouring a needy control freak

I just want it to be how it always has been. Is texting when we feel we can. His was more frequently and mine wasn't. I hate that he will purposely change how he is just because I don't text as much, do you see what I'm saying?

So tell him that you care about him, but don't need/want so much communication.
It doesn't have to be this complicated.

Yes. It's called emotional blackmail

So tell him that he is free to text as often as he likes, but that you are also free not to reply to everything.
How old are you both?

Have you actually met him?

Run, run far away. It will only get worse, more extreme, more controlling. Run

My DH never texts me. Ever. Never rings me during the day unless it's an emergency. We are adults getting on with our lives. Doesn't mean I don't love him and vice versa.

Obsessive texting is something most people grow out of at 16. What he's basically saying is that he wants you to be thinking of him all the time and nothing else.

You can close your eyes and sing lalala at the red flags but it sounds to me like you've got a tiger by the tail here.

That level of communication is not normal or sustainable. Why the need to know every detail about your day?

Sometimes I go a whole working day without texting my husband - other days we might speak 2 or 3 times if something important. But to have a rigid expectation/ritual is not healthy.

Sometimes people need time to concentrate, this has no bearing on what they think or feel about their significant other. I understand that you both may have different needs due to the aspergers/social anxiety you mention, but even so - any relationship needs to be healthy. This really does not sound good for your well-being.

Don't be bullied into texting someone more frequently because of threats they make - you still have a life to live. Online/long distance and Aspergers or not - that is the hallmarks of a co-dependent relationship at best and emotional abuse at worst.

Going on what you've said. Maybe it's easier to do a blanket no texts unless in an emergency after the morning thing and catch up at the end of the day instesd.?

I had to put a similar blanket black and white thing with my son who has ASD as he was being disruptive with family and getting stroppy if nobody replied.

Course mines young and I'm hoping he grows out of it.

Just don't let it turn into a 'thing'. Tell him to pack it in, it's not important in the grand scheme.

I'm not sure what else you expect us to say.
We've said our opinions, but you don't seem to want to hear it.
I hope you find some resolve, OP

we can do it my way now, that he won't message for a few hours and will put me to the back of his mind while he is doing activities and will then text later on
I honestly don't see the issue with this set up.
He wouldn't be able to deal with me.
It takes me days sometimes!!!
Just cool down on the texting.
Do it when you are free.
Focus on what you should be doing at that point in time.
He should do the same.

This is controlling and not healthy. Him saying you are not making an effort is very clearly not the case and he is just mad he is not getting his way.

I would say your texting habits are more than accomodating. Texting constantly is exhausting and can be really intrusive. Life before being 'constantly accessible' truly was easier.

Do you ever feel like you can switch off and get some peace? Do you always worry about having to text him or he'll be mad? Can you ever just get home and forget about your phone for the evening?

You are right to want to go about your life concentrating on your studies, or whatever activities you are doing. He has issues regarding control and is insecure. To move on happily you must raise this with him.

Relationships evolve. 8 months is a good amount of time to evaluate things. It sounds like he's realizing that this amount of texting isnt working for him. He's texting you a lot because he wants a constant stream of replies; you don't want to be constantly texting (which is FINE); so he's going to cut down a bit, because he's realizing he isn't going to get lots of replies constantly.

If he's being an arsehead about it, that's different. But he's allowed to say "actually starting now the price for a stream of updates is a stream of replies," and you're allowed to say "I don't accept that price," but if you do, you have to accept that he's allowed to text you less.

This doesn’t bode well. That level of communication is crackers and sounds controlling

No I really appreciate the replies I am just trying to put everything on the table. I am 19 and he is 20.

I had a friend /colleague like this , drive me nuts, I stopped replying and she got the message after a while , it’s very needy behaviour in an adult and wouldn’t be ok for me

Neither of you is in the wrong.
You are less of a texting person and he is a very keen texted which is alright, both of you are free to be whatever you choose.

I don’t see the problem with him “changing” if it is an honest change and not trying to guilt trip you into answering instantly or like boohoo poor me has to wait hours for replies. All relationships have different levels of communication and they’re all good as long as they work for you, given my boyfriend’s work nature I can go days without hearing from him or get only one or two texts a day but I can rest easy that his love remains the same. It would be unfair for me to expect him to drop everything he’s doing to reply to my texts, your boyfriend apparently seems to know there’s an odd texting dynamics going on and seems to be trying to get it on track.

That being said, just make sure this is an honest change in him realising how needy he is and not him trying to control you.

It’s your life and you can reply when you want to whether it’s within 30 seconds straight or a week