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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Decision time

28 replies

Icd14 · 07/04/2019 23:06

Hello everyone, i am in a dilemma here
My partner and I have been together a year and he moved in with my son and I in December there. There have been a few issues lately with us but the main one being him not making much effort to interact or communicate with my son. Looking back now before he moved in I guess the communication wasn’t that great but I put it down to ‘it will improve over time’, but I’m just not seeing it.
Sometimes he would go a whole day without saying a word to my son even simple things like how are you? I asked him about this and he says he struggles with the communication but this is basic communication!
He doesn’t see his kids but is trying to sort that out as his ex and him don’t get on. He says he wants us to be a family & do things together etc and admits he hasn’t made the effort but wants a chance to prove he can sort it out, this is the 2nd time I’ve had this issue with him
I suggested a family holiday this year to centreparcs and his response was it’s not my kind of thing , it was a chance for us all to have fun, bond etc
Should I let him prove it? Don’t know if my heart is in it now as have to do what’s right for me and my son

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 07/04/2019 23:14

Why would you move a strange man into your&son’s place after only 8 months????
And before he built a good relationship with him?????
What was the rush?
I have lived with an indifferent s-father and have never forgiven my mom for springing him on me.
He isn’t going to change - he doesn’t even have a relationship with his own children. Why would he want to have any sort of relationship with yours?

Put your child first for once and kick him out. And next time - just don’t rush anything.

FissionChips · 07/04/2019 23:19

Get rid of him and don’t move a partner in so soon again, it’s utterly selfish and stupid to do so.

CanuckBC · 08/04/2019 01:18

I hate to say it, I agree with the others. He doesn’t have a relationship with his own children for a reason. No matter how difficult the mother is the courts would give him access.

It’s his choice and it’s showing in how he interacts or doesn’t with your son. It won’t change. It’s who he is. Don’t put your son through this. End it now and next time read the red flags as they are before moving the boyfriend in. Your son deserves better.

morewashingtodooo · 08/04/2019 01:44

Ask him how long he needs? And your see by his answer and the actions he takes to change the situation will not change.
He is the sort to make excuses and pass the blame, your be next.
He's had a year to make life better, what's he been doing? Making excuses and blaming others.
He's ex maybe hard work but that usually comes from broken trust and being wronged so many times.

user1497997754 · 08/04/2019 01:58

I made the mistake of letting my then boyfriend move in he had no children and I had a 6 year old daughter. We got married....huge mistake..now divorced....don't carry on with this relationship with him living with you....suggest he gets his own place and see how it goex

OldAndWornOut · 08/04/2019 02:09

Your poor little boy, going all day without even being acknowledged in his own home.
You know what decision to make.

Decormad38 · 08/04/2019 03:07

If you get warning signs don’t then ignore them and depend on hope. Get the loser out of your house and away from your son.

ScarletBitch · 08/04/2019 03:17

If he hasn't made the effort with his own kids he certainly not going to make the effort with yours.

Alicewond · 08/04/2019 03:22

Why would you allow a person to move in with your child without them having a relationship first? Move him out and if it’s meant to be let him build that up

Bookworm4 · 08/04/2019 03:28

What age is your DS? I wouldn't have a relationship with a man who ignored his own DC; shows a lot about a person if they can leave their kids out their life and moving him in so quickly- why?

Lozzerbmc · 08/04/2019 06:01

I agree with others too soon. If he moves out then you can build up slowly- he can have space to work on his relationship with his kids. Its better for your son he may feel excluded..

Original poster
Icd14 · 08/04/2019 07:07

Thank you all for your support, A few harsh comments but I probably deserve , I know I’ve made a mistake here which is why I have kicked him out as wont tolerate this anymore & should have seen the signs

OP posts:
TheMidiMitch · 08/04/2019 07:12

Lots of very harsh comments here when op just wanted some advice and support and had already clearly reflected on what had gone wrong. Hope things work out for you and you find your happiness Thanks.

Original poster
Icd14 · 08/04/2019 07:17

ThemidiMitch - thank you xx 💐

OP posts:
Pianobook · 08/04/2019 07:23

How can you live with a child and go a whole day without any interaction? What a cruel man. Do not give him any more chances.

Original poster
Icd14 · 08/04/2019 07:52

I know, I said this to him , just said he finds its hard. Maybe hard to begin with but he is the adult and should be making every effort, my son will chat away no problem so no issue there

OP posts:
Pianobook · 08/04/2019 08:07

Yes he needs to make an effort but surely normal interaction with a child comes naturally eg showing an interest in what he’s doing, talking about something on the tv, playing, doing something together especially if your son is a chatty boy.

Original poster
Icd14 · 08/04/2019 08:11

Yes., correct and if he struggles with that then I think that’s bad enough

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 08/04/2019 08:20

The centreparcs thing is just the icing on the cake. We all, as parents, do things that aren't our thing for the sake of the kids. He's just selfish. Sorry, OP but he's not a suitable partner for a mum. Nobody can say for sure that he won't change with time but how long? A year? 5 years? Maybe never. Your son deserves to share his home with someone that has time for him and will make reasonable sacrifices for a child's happiness.

Bemusedagain · 08/04/2019 08:31

How awful. Why would you do this? You’d best be careful and get rid ASAP. This happened to a friend of mine and he grew up resenting his mother and now has very little contact with her. Selfish old cow. She put her need for a bloke above her own child. I don’t understand women like you.

Original poster
Icd14 · 08/04/2019 08:34

I think that comment is uncalled for “benusedagain”

OP posts:
EleanorOalike · 08/04/2019 08:43

Definitely end the relationship now. It’s not at all fair on your child and will have a lifelong effect on him if you continue to subject him to this.

My own father was like this with me. It caused huge emotional damage. Growing up feeling invisible and not worth communicating with is souls destroying. I don’t think I could love a man who was this way with a child. He won’t change either, nothing worked with my Dad.

SparklyMagpie · 08/04/2019 09:23

I wouldn't be with a man who has fuck all contact with his own children let alone have him near mine

minmooch · 08/04/2019 13:54

Op you may have had some harsh comments but hopefully you will learn from this.

Do not let a man move in with you this quick again.

Be alert to the red flags - him having no relationship with his own children was such a large flag, this should have alerted you to the type of man he is. This alone should have delayed a move in with you.

A man who makes such little effort this soon in to a relationship really will get no better. This is him at his best.

I hope you really have ended things with him and that he is no longer sharing a home.

Please do not give him any further chances. You owe him nothing and your son everything.

Well done for spotting things were not right and seeking clarification.

NameChangeNugget · 08/04/2019 14:21

Although it may appear blunt OP, @Bermusedagain makes a valid point.

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