Anyone overcome avoidant attachment?

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I’ve known for some time that I have avoidant attachment, which stems from a traumatic event in childhood and the impact that had on the relationship between my mother and I. It’s causing me real issues in my marriage and generally in coping with things. I feel very detached from life at the moment.

I can access counselling via work, but Is it something that can be overcome? Whenever I try to be authentic and honest I’m proved wrong, and that actually, I can only rely on myself, which takes me right back to square one.

Has anyone been through this?

I touched on this in my councilling with a psychologist who worked for the NHS. I would say that I have improved tremendously.... Which in turn has helped our relationship (marriage and with parents)

I have this but haven’t been able to resolve it. I’ve only just started counselling for it

I have just started to do some work on this, I am currently on a counselling course and have realised this is my attachment type. Not sure that's any help but there are some interesting Ted Talks and literature if you have a google about.

Also not sure if you have considered doing some counselling or CBT but I have found it useful

Have had counselling for more recent trauma, but not the childhood trauma. There is some CBT I can access too.

Does you recent trauma feel similar to the childhood trauma? If so, do you need to look at how your reactions might be linked, OP?

“your”

Whenever I try to be authentic and honest I’m proved wrong, and that actually, I can only rely on myself

It's possible that you have attachment issues AND are in a relationship with someone untrustworthy. Either way, you should definitely work on your FOO stuff, but don't take expect it to fix all the problems in your marriage.

It's very tough. After a lot of therapy I finally think I'm starting to make real progress.

I recommend a book called "Why Love Matters" by Sue Gerhardt. When I first read it I felt as if I was reading my biography, and for the first time things were making sense.

Thank you everyone. My head is a bit fucked at the moment and this is helping.

The childhood trauma was the death of a sibling. One of twins. I was 3 - old enough to know two babies hadn’t come home, but my parents kept their grief private and decided (and I don’t blame them) that he should never be spoken about. My mum focussed everything onto the surviving twin (understandably) leaving me out in the cold emotionally. It’s still that way today, although we do at least have a relationship of sorts.

Ask anyone that was around when I was growing up and the first word they will use to describe me is “independent”. Even at 3. Being capable meant I didn’t need anyone. It was reinforced through my teens. I started work at 15, moved out at 17 (still at school), bought a house at 19 and gutted it myself. Everything on my terms. Wall around me to to protect me. Looking back my friendships have been “of their time”. I’m not really good friends with anyone I went to school with, for instance. Had my heart broken a couple of times, armour got tougher. Fell into marriage with a man I thought would never hurt me. But I realise I never actually committed to the relationship. I kept everything - including myself - separate.

I didn’t know if I wanted children for a very long time. I was paralysed with fear about history repeating (still am, one of the reasons DD is an only child.) DH was becoming more desperate for them, so I had counselling, mainly around my fear of being like my mother. Still didn’t make a definitive decision and let fate decide. DD arrived 10 months later. The calm home birth I planned was scrapped when a midwife told me my baby would die if I didn’t get induced. Highly medicalised assisted birth which left me with PTSD. That’s what I had the recent counselling for, along with some couples counselling.

I’m deeply unhappy in my marriage. My husband is lazy and thoughtless. My detachment has (in his mind) caused his depression, but he doesn’t see any reason to do anything about it. The way it manifests impacts negatively on me - I can’t trust him to do anything (he’ll do half a job and want a medal) or take responsibility for anything. It’s toxic to me - life is genuinely easier when he’s not around, and I’m finding ways to make that happen. It’s re-affirming that life long belief that the only person looking out for me is me.

I can feel myself withdrawing further, including with DD, which is the bit that’s breaking my heart.

I’ve told my husband I don’t see a future with him.

I just don’t know if all the hardwiring - from age 3 to 17 at least - can ever be overwritten.

You are not alone OP.
I have always struggled with commitment and intimacy. I'm 31 and haven't managed to sustain a relationship beyond a year or 2. My last relationship broke down as he wanted a family but I couldn't get past the fear of attachment.
In my case, my mum became severely disabled when I was was very young and my dad was out at work most of the time, so I learned very early on to look after myself. It was just normal. My dad also became abusive towards my mum and she died when I was 21. I've been in therapy for a year so far untangling it all.
I definitely identify with what you said about being massively independent, proving to yourself that you can look after yourself. I go on solo camping trips (just returned from one) and recognise the reason I do it is to prove to myself that I am totally self sufficient and can survive alone.

Have been with my husband for 18 years. Can’t quite believe it. First couple were a LDR. I refused to move to him. I moved to the town he worked in and let him move in. Married because it was important to him. Not me. Baby was important to him. Not me.

I feel like I’ve been the one compromising myself constantly. He asked me if I think I should have made a different choice back then. I don’t know. I’d had enough of arseholes who treated me badly and thought “normal” and “safe” would be better. But I don’t fit in this life anymore.

I’m so sorry that you are struggling with all of this. Your past sounds incredibly hard but I promise you it does not have to dictate the relationship you have with you daughter. It sounds like you would really benefit from some talking therapy or even a frank conversation with a trusted friend?
There are some good books about attachment theory that may help you unpick and understand your patterns. You could try reading Attached by Levine and Heller.
Your relationship with your husband sounds very difficult at the moment. I don’t have much experience to draw on to say anything helpful but some other posters might later.

I’m 41. I don’t want to feel like this at 42.

How do I know whether it’s worth the effort of trying to change a lifetime worth of me to make this scenario work, or if it’s best to accept who I am, walk away and live the rest of my life alone?

You don’t need to answer this right now. You sound like you are in fight/flight mode so first thing is to let you brain and body come down. Get out, go for a walk, give your mind a much needed break.

I'm also avoidant, due to early prolonged separation from my parents due to being hospitalised for months age 1.

I don't think it's just you that's the problem here, sounds like it's the relationship. Like me, maybe you'll thrive after splitting and having shared residency of your daughter and more time alone?

I am actually in a good relationship now, but it mainly works because he's a musician and is away a lot! And we're both very independent, have our own things going on.

And I'm a much better parent 50% of the time than I was when it was 100%

That may not be a popular or acceptable thing to say, but it's the truth and I'm not ashamed of it.

The things that can help to change an actually attachment strategy are:

Having a relationship with someone with a secure attachment strategy (I'm over simplifying this greatly for ease of understanding)

Therapy

Being part of a spiritual or religious community

But it's very very hard. Find a good psychotherapist and prepare to be in therapy for a good while.

Good luck

OP, I just want to say thank you for your post
I've finally found my diagnosis!
I e really read into avoiding attachment and it is very much so me, I too was an independent child from the age of 4, I was a only child until I reach 18, Tbh I was a cash cow (benefits) too my mum, reason I say this is because wether you work or don't for what ever reason (my mum was lazy) I always remember my mum never having any food in the house, only than milk, butter, cereal some crisps and biscuits, Whilst I was at school my mum would go to the local bakery and buy herself a sandwich, a cake, a chocolate bar and packet of crisps with a drink, she would buy herself a tin of Heinz beans for her to have beans on toast for later in the evening or a ham and pineapple pizza,I know this due to when it was school holidays, obviously when I was at school I would have a school dinner, when I got home from school, I would be hungry and all my choices were listed above( cereal or shit basically) but when I would be on school holidays, I would go with her to the local bakery and she would buy her usual and ask for a sausage roll or a pastie for myself, if I asked could I have sandwich instead, Jesus I would be screamed at! (Reason been is ask for a sandwich was because it was more filling and I knew that is all I would have that day!) only often would she give in and allow me s sandwich but I was told nothing else!
Oh and she meant it! Whilst she gorges on her lunch and evening meal she bought herself, I remember once asking for a pizza for dinner as she bought one, oh my god! She actually screamed at me and stormed out of the shop! Bare in mind I was about 5/6 ( I remember her telling me all you do is ask constantly for this and that!) I had to ask for food as she never gave me anything! I was a very skinny, malnourished child looking back! She was over weight! So in the end I would go to my aunts straight after school with my cousins and as she has 4 children and because my aunt was "normal" would always make me some dinner with my cousins and that is how I survived with food!
Very crazy story I know but there is loads and loads I could tell you all but I've rabbled on now
But thanks again to OP and PP as I'm going drs and going to go get some therapy

I am actually in a good relationship now, but it mainly works because he's a musician and is away a lot! And we're both very independent, have our own things going on.

This is how it was for us. LDR for 2 years, then one or other of us was away working most weeks. Have never shared many interests.

When DD was born he worked away Sun-Fri every week. My world was turned upside down. Had nobody else to help me, so it all became about DD. He hated being away and so changed his work so that now he works from home most of the time. And it does my head in.

Had a huge row last night. He started it about something (me being unreasonable, of course) and led on to how I’ve destroyed him. Ended up telling him that this wasn’t what I want at all anymore. I don’t fit in this life. It’s stopping me from being who I want to be and living the life I want. He straight away said he wasn’t moving out. Said it’s up to me to decide if I’m out or not. I used the “d” word for the first time.

I don’t know if I can make the decision. Not sure I can do it to DD.

I'm aviodant too OP and I am struggling to commit to a relationship I have wanted all my life. I don't know if one can ever get over it but we should talk about it with our partners. I too have only ever managed about 2 years in a relationship and then I will end it or it will be ended and move on. I have had a year psychotherapy and only just come to realise this is my attachment type.

There is some interesting reading on avoidant / anxious types trying to have relationships, I dont know what your husband is but my DP is anxious and we dont go together easily.

How old is your DD? sorry if I missed it in your post

She’s 8.

There are way worse things for children to experience than divorce. Especially if done relatively amicably.

It's not right to 'stay together for the kids'.

I never knew the term but I am avoidant attachment too. Our stories sound very similar - I was 2.5 when my Mum lost a baby in childbirth, the other twin (my brother) survived. I stayed with my grandparents for a couple of weeks, everyone was angry (it was due to a medical error) and grieving and noone explained what had happened and where the other baby was to me.

Spend my whole life being "a good girl" so as not to upset my Mum. Never got on with my brother. Have a good relationship with my Mum and Dad so I've been very lucky there.

I went to counselling when I was 29 as I couldn't hold down a relationship (I always dumped them 2 years in) and I overreacted constantly. The counselling changed my life, it was like a weight had been lifted. I met my now DH at 31 and I'm 39 now and happily married with 2 DC.

I strongly recommend having counselling and not making any relationship decisions until you do.

I wish you all the best. I never knew til I had the counselling why I was like I was - I'd never worked out it was due to my lost sibling and I spent my life feeling constantly unhappy, insecure, and desperate to be loved by men (although appearing happy and confident on the surface). Counselling was the best thing I ever did it changed me for the better, I'm the person I always wanted to be now.

All the best.

I don't know if/how it can be overcome but I resonate with a lot of what you say. I have one child too and can manage the intimacy and neediness of that relationship but zero others.
I hope there are things to help and I will read the whole thread at some point, but I've also had a very poor marriage and been single since (apart from short, abortive relationships) so it's all being reinforced all the time.