Need advice for being single and happy!

[Sharkirasharkira]

Sounds stupid but I hate being single, I get really lonely and horny and don't like having casual sex with randoms so have found myself falling into one unsuitable unfulfilling relationship after another. Never been single longer than 6 months really, partly because of this!

Recently broke up with dp of 6 months, we are both in agreement that's it not quite working out but are still friends and all amicable. All good.

How do I be single and happy? I want to work on putting myself first, not being co dependant or a people pleaser and just generally having a full and happy life without relying on being with someone to make me happy. Keen to focus on getting myself emotionally and physically healthy so I don't perpetuate the same cycle of crappy and abusive relationships in the future and actually have a chance of getting a good one when I'm ready. Any idea of how I go about making the most of my life as a singleton?

I don't know if it's possible to advise someone HOW to be happily single. You either are or you aren't. I mean, I am, I don't even think about relationships really unless maybe I've just watched a sappy film or something. I don't really think about it not being 'just me' because it isn't really relevant at the moment. I've dated a few nasty people in the past but that didn't put me off dating, I kept at it until I realised..I don't enjoy dating and, I've always been fine being single (as opposed to stressed or messed about when not) and that put me off dating xD If I got lonely I would maybe get a pet or something but I don't even need that atm, as long as I get a catch up with mates here and there :) But I've always been happy in my own company and I can get lost on a Netflix binge or in a book easily enough if need be too.

But I think if you aren't naturally happy being by yourself/more introverted then that's maybe making it harder. Maybe try and get out with friends instead ...and make more friends (meetup.com is good) and take up a hobby or take a class in something. Basically just surround yourself with other people but also find some things you love doing by yourself to encourage you to enjoy your alone time more too.

Also, don't look to date (online ect) but if anyone comes along naturally, be a lot more choosey and take more time to decide if you actually like them and they are suitable for you rather than just getting with them for the company. Make friends for that. And for everything else there's your right hand ;)

Ok great things to do when enjoying being single:

Girls holidays
Retreats, spa days
Exercise classes
Join a fun sports club e.g. dodge ball
Evening courses
Learn a language
Random classes
Spontaneous things!
Go to the cinema or a theatre matinee on your own during the daytime
Meet girlfriends for brunches, afternoon teas, early cocktails
Hang out with friends kids
Join meetup.com
Do a pottery making afternoon
Start up a book group
Hang out in a coffee shop on your own
Buy yourself flowers and perfume

Also:

Sort out finances
Start a savings plan
Do a Vision Board

Improv Comedy classes
Spin classes
Zumba
Park run / enter a 5k race
Baking / teach yourself to cook something new / cookery classes

Just ideas

I have recently realised that I can be single and happy. I think for me it is because I realised that it's better to be single than in an imperfect relationship. I don't want to compromise on a man. But also somehow I realised that I like being on my own (rather than in a relationship - I'm an extrovert and don't particularly like being on my onw).

I have a few really good friends who I love - many of whom don't know each other, so I see them often on a 121 basis.

I work very hard and appreciate the time I have after work. I've recently started a new job that I love, get massive satisfaction from and find very challenging.
I've furnished my house so it pleases me. I love just being in it. I get fresh flowers, have a cleaner twice a week and generally it's my haven.
I have acquired a dog (after years of pressure from my dcs) and love it so much. He gives me so much pleasure too.
I love to run and cycle
I have been on holiday on my own.
I am doing fun things with my children - getting away from the drudgery, theatre, cycling, and just being with them.
If I get invited to something, I always say yes.

I do have children, so am never completely alone. But for me it was just the realisation that it really is better to be alone than to compromise for a man. I have realised (after a lot of hard work and some really bad times with men ) that I am worth so much more than a crappy relationship. I am also a people pleaser, but I've worked hard at not compromising on what makes me happy. In fact, I generally only now do things that make me happy. And that's very freeing.

Plus as the pp says, gratitudes, affirmations, yoga, flowers and good coffee.

Some good suggestions there, thank you.

I'm having to work two jobs to make ends meet at the moment so I am busy a lot of evenings and weekends. Unfortunately that tends to mean I'm free when a lot of people are busy and visa versa. I have no family and don't have that many friends, it's hard to make new ones as I'm not from this area and don't have kids - it's quite rural here so it's hard to meet new people. I don't really want to hang out with other people's kids, it just makes me fact that I'm alone and don't have a family that much more obvious

I want to fill my life with things with people and things that make me happy. I'm trying to look at the positives.

I love travelling so I fully intend to do so solo if I have to.
Don't mind going for dinner/to movies etc on my own.
Love going for walks and hanging out in nature.

I just wish I had someone to do all those things with and I didn't HAVE to do them alone.

Coming up on a year being single & dating casually... I feel I've made leaps & bounds in that time because I've always known I have to work on myself rather than needing a man to distract me from that heavy lifting

I'm inching slowly towards the life I want - my life was so empty after my last breakup. Reaching out to old friends & trying to meet new ones, taking exercise (yoga for me), starting a new job, reading positive self help books, meditation, volunteering, reading & having more time to do what I want has been refreshing

I'd love to meet someone partner-worthy, but focusing only on that relationship and it's lack is miserable

Such beautiful suggestions made here...I'm in a marriage and I have to tell you that the picture painted here makes me envy the single life!

I totally need this thread! Separated from exH 2+ years ago, 10 days out of a casual relationship that lasted 1.5 yrs. I know I need to be on my own with my DDs for a while and work on myself. I've actually had to write lists to remind myself what I actually enjoy doing e.g. yoga, swimming, reading non-fiction books. Isn't that pathetic? I always put my needs second in a relationship as I want to please the person and feel needed... have to change this.

So I've been doing things I enjoy (as above), making sure I dress nicely, seeing friends, going on trips, getting my house tidy and organised, seeing family, enjoying my DDs. I went to an exhibition on my own at the weekend, in comfortable, unsexy, stretchy trousers. It was wonderful!

Your point about being emotionally and physically happy OP, I find I need to say no to things even if it feels awkward. The emotional pay off of having stated my needs/set boundaries/asserted myself is amazing. And I've started a proper self-care routine: fresh bedsheets every 7-10 days, proper skincare routine and always taking make up off before bed, looking after my hair, making sure my bedroom is clean and tidy, having a nice bag that is organised with lovely things for my day, saying no to my kids sometimes even if it means they kick off. I don't want to compromise myself anymore.

We're all a work in progress I guess... good luck with being single and happy OP x

I'm packing up my stuff to move into my new place tomorrow so it's really happening.

I'm finding myself in equal parts excited about having my own space again and terrified that I'll be desperately lonely and really worried about not having that 'safety net'. Someone there daily to share problems, emotional support, etc.

Breathe. It'll be ok. I can do this on my own

I know what you mean.
I know full well I should be rebuilding my life and concentrating on my kids, home, family, friends, career and life after leaving an abusive relationship (and about to drop baby number 3) and yes I am doing so right now. But not happily.
I love my Kids. I have been single for long periods before. I know that it's probably going to be years before I'm emotionally ready to date again (if ever!) but I also really miss being in a relationship sometimes. I think I miss the idea of what it should be more than what it ever was or is though. I think no matter how many times I get hurt I'll always be a bit of a romantic 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ahh Sharkira this will be the first day of the rest of your life. I can really relate to the equal parts excitement & terror. Best foot forward, this pain is you growing and being set free.

Shabbyabby I feel similar to you. I'm sad at what I thought my past relationships were or should have been. I want to find love again but I know I need to be by myself for a while. Am just not used to it though, am a bit flummoxed...

@namechangedbutneedadvice

I think that's it exactly. I just feel sad, hurt and disappointed because ex didn't give me any choice but to be a single parent by being so horrendous. I know he never loved me (not sure he knows how to love anybody) but why should that mean that I have to be single? Why should his failings mean that I have to go years being single?

And yes, I know, I should be grateful for my DCs, grateful for getting away from abusive relationship, grateful for having "my life back" (well what's left of it after he'd screwed me over anyway) but honestly I just feel cheated. Those wonderful parts of my life are wonderful of course, especially the kids, but OMG I could have been happily married too. And now I feel obligated to be single for a while and prioritise the DCs and all the other parts of my life, and get therapy and stuff, when actually it's not me who fucked it up. I didn't make a choice I was left choice less and that sucks.

I have had to leave more than one relationship homeless, jobless, penniless and heartbroken but "just grateful to have got out of there alive." I'm not going to pretend it's ok anymore. It's not, it's shit. And then I have to take a deep breath and forgive them for my own sanity which also thoroughly takes the piss!

It's always us women who are expected to "do the work on ourselves" and "enjoy being single." There are things that are brilliant of course, but actually even some of those things wear thin after a while. But I probably am pathologically codependent 🤷🏻‍♀️

@namechangedbutneedadvice

I am probably a bit bitter, but I have found things that helped. The freedom programme, Melody Beattie books, humanistic therapy, counselling and CBT. Mostly talking to other people. And I have spent long periods of time single and (relatively) happy. I do, however, think that some people are much less happy on their own. I think it's the introvert/extrovert thing.

If you like being outdoors, have a look into guided hiking holidays. I am just about to go on one with my dad :)
www.hfholidays.co.uk/
There are other group activity holidays around, e.g. National Trust working holidays www.nationaltrust.org.uk/holidays/working-holidays

Depends on your budget, of course.

Also purchase a nice fancy sex toy

Wow Shabbyabby sorry you've been through so much I totally get where you're coming from. Why does it seem it's always the women that feel they need to work on themselves? That's me... but it was my exH's choice to be repeatedly unfaithful for years. I want to be on my own now but don't know how. I've been wondering lately if I'm pathologically codependent too. And wonder if my parenting is too? And that it's made worse by the fact I'm on my own. My DDs have needed so much support from me these past 2 years though as they don't/can't talk to their dad (there's a surprise roll eyes) but I worry that it's become codependent and I'm ruining them. Presumably a man wouldn't solve that though...

I think some people prefer to have a lot of company more than others do so that's a very personal preference meaning some people find it easier to be single than others do.
Having said that, I find that when I'm on my own I seem to get out and do things, see friends more and have a far more fulfilling social life than in a relationship. There are a lot of inconveniences or annoyances you don't have to think about when you're single either.
Having been in a very abusive relationship I'm still finding I appreciate all sorts of trivial aspects of every day life that some people might not actually think about, for example coming home to an empty house which doesn't look like a pig sty and there's no moody, morose, unpleasant person there to deal with when I get in.

ShabbyAbby I get where you're coming from too - it's early days for you though. You're just becoming single and you're pregnant! It'd be amazing if you felt single and happy at the moment.

I'm 4 years out of a marriage and have a couple of relationships under my belt since - it's taken me a while to get here. I am also an extrovert and need people around, but actually I no longer feel the need (I think I did when I was first single) to be partnered up.

I should say I've had a lot of counselling along the way - I know myself much better now. And (hopefully) I know how to avoid abusive or negative relationships now, or how to walk away if I find myself in one.

Thanks @AnnaNimmity and @namechangedbutneedadvice

A better day today. And I'm cooking something only I like for dinner. Not catering for exes fussy tastebuds or the ones DCs seem to have inherited as a result!
Little perks!

I love that ShabbyAbby a massive perk! I found this good TED talk earlier in case helpful for any of you

I think we all miss what 'should' be rather than what was, which is the trick about idealising things and even nostalgia - every woman out of a bad relationship knows she's well shot of that shitty ex but the picture of the 'perfect' relationship still can choke you up

I miss the shared companionship of having someone I could talk to all the time. We used to say we were like old women gossiping! Someone to buy gifts for just because, someone who wanted to know all the details of my day and my deepest thoughts, who fancied me and told me I was beautiful

But I don't miss the man my ex shape shifted to as we broke up and I don't miss realising that we stuck together because we didn't want to work on ourselves and experience self love and self esteem, that we felt unworthy and not good somehow and of course that led to a breakdown

It's always swings and roundabouts. I know that I can find that companionship and affection with another man, but without being there for myself, healing and resolving to bring self love and peace to my life, I will always be content and happy to be me.

I've been single for 6 months and love it!! I can do what I want, when I want (within reason as I have a teenage DD at home). But essentially I have a very busy social life and lots of fab things to look forward to. I agree with the PPs, find a great hobby, get out and find experiences you want to do. I've been told by friends I need to go dating, but I truly can't be bothered at the moment and don't really have room in my life for a partner. Sure, it would be nice to have some companionship and someone to share life with at some point, but at the moment I know I'm not ready. I'm enjoying my life as it is! I have a wonderful circle of friends!

I had counselling last year, mainly for apparently being jealous and imagining my ex was having an affair when it turned out he was! The counselling helped massively with making me realise I deserved much more in life - I'd gone through years feeling worthless and my self confidence had plummeted. Now I am like a new woman! I know that if I was to let another person share my life, then they'd have to be a very special person to tick all my boxes. I'm not settling for anything else inferior again!

I am single after my ExH walked out (coming up to two years) and am not enjoying it. Whenever I read lists of things 'to enjoy when you are single', I think 'but you can do this when you are coupled up'. Aren't they just hobbies? Yes, I can fill up my days with stuff like that (if I am lucky enough to get the time off work) but at the end of the day I go home alone or don't have anyone to share my experiences with. For me, that's when the loneliness hits and the realisation that I am on my own.

For some people that's not the case though and they are the 'happy singles'.

TheRoad - I couldn’t agree more. I have a fabulous life - a great career, a home, wonderful friends, I’ve travelled the world, learnt languages, done qualifications, etc., but it all seems pointless without that special someone to share it with. Counselling has made me feel a bit happier but it doesn’t solve the fundamental issue.

I have been in counselling too and it has helped me to understand that I don't have to be a 'happy single'. I do feel that society puts pressure on to put on a brave face, count our blessings and do all those things like travel the world, do courses etc. The 'trekking in the Atlas mountains' single is as much a stereotype as anything really but it seems to be unacceptable to not go along with it. I found it exhausting and was scared to admit that I struggle as I did not want to be a burden to my friends (all married/coupled up). There is a lot to be said for gratitude etc. but feeling the loneliness and admitting it to myself has helped to accept my position and I am slowly starting to understand what is important for me in life.