Need advice for being single and happy!

[Sharkirasharkira]

Sounds stupid but I hate being single, I get really lonely and horny and don't like having casual sex with randoms so have found myself falling into one unsuitable unfulfilling relationship after another. Never been single longer than 6 months really, partly because of this!

Recently broke up with dp of 6 months, we are both in agreement that's it not quite working out but are still friends and all amicable. All good.

How do I be single and happy? I want to work on putting myself first, not being co dependant or a people pleaser and just generally having a full and happy life without relying on being with someone to make me happy. Keen to focus on getting myself emotionally and physically healthy so I don't perpetuate the same cycle of crappy and abusive relationships in the future and actually have a chance of getting a good one when I'm ready. Any idea of how I go about making the most of my life as a singleton?

I have been on my own before and I don't think it's the answer. Once my DCs are a bit older I will be dating, and seeing that as a priority actually.

Not the priority, you understand. My DCs, my career, my mind/body/soul, they are a given. I just think dating will come ahead of taking up Tai Chi or learning to speak Romanian. Not that there's anything wrong with Tai Chi or learning Romanian, you understand. But theres nothing wrong with dating, either.

I think there are misogynist undertones to the whole thing tbh. How many men just date a string of women with no second thought (and can't stand being single!) ?

Yeah a lot, but they aren't meant to be "happy single" or even "happy single parents." Women are supposed to martyr themselves to Single-Dom when a relationship goes wrong and that seems like a good ole double standard and a half.

I've met a lot of single women (mothers) which is what I have experience of, and they mostly feel that they are not allowed to move on (by society).

The judgement women get if they leave an abuser and then start a new relationship! "What if he's an abuser too?" Then that's shit, yes. Nobody should be abused, nobody should be unhappy, and nobody is saying don't educate yourself or get some counselling (I couldn't advocate for either more!), but don't feel obligated to be single forever. Part of healing is moving on.

But it's not about being a martyr to singledom, it's about accepting reality and making the most of it.

I have been dating recently - frequently with at least one date a week, matching and texting men, meeting them and really seeing where it goes

But it is effort and it is time. Most of these men are usually wrong for me in some way - we have perfectly lovely evenings but maybe we have some differing viewpoints or lifestyle preferences - this person travels a lot, or this one wants something casual. Maybe this one is nice looking enough but maybe he doesn't really like me in the flesh, or I'm not bothered

When I'm in a desperate mood, every one of these men seems like a prince and I get very very self critical when it fizzles out. It becomes a lot more of trying to be what I think the man wants, maybe not being totally myself in response to things he says or clues he gives. I start to rationalise in a way that makes him more appealing or attractive - it doesn't matter that he doesn't have X, or I can put up with too much Y

This whole mindset wants a relationship for the sake of it. This mindset wants it with anyone who can put up with the sight of me. This one settles.

So I am on another dating hiatus because I still have my baggage to work on. My life was empty and desolate after my last breakup because I gave so much time to my ex, to keep him entertained and fulfilled and so he wouldn't leave me. Part of it enjoyed it, but part of me was so insecure and needy

So no, I haven't given up utterly. But it's a numbers game and it's not weak or wrong to know there are times in my life where it's better to not focus totally on the lack of a man.

I can have a date in no time, or have sex, but the pursuit of men takes up time and energy. I think it's a kindness to myself to realise that as much as I would like my next boyfriend soon, it doesn't have to be every man who crosses my path and sorting out the gold from the shit is actually a very time consuming process

As women, not every second time needs to be spent on a man - his absence, his presence and so on

One thing that jumped out OP was that you called the man you've been seeing for 6 months your DP. Unless I misunderstood that. Did you live together? If so, wasn't it all a bit fast? Something to learn from for future would be to take the whole dating period much slower.

Yes we did, it was very quick but it was purely for practical reasons and not because we were madly in love. If anything it was the opposite, we were more like friends. I need more time to grieve over my previous ex and I know that now. No other man will 'fix' what is broken, I have to fix myself and heal before I invest any more time or emotional energy in anyone else.

I really relate to this. I am fine in my own company, also go on solo holidays etc. But sometimes I don't want to HAVE to do things by myself. It's strangely tiring.

Something that really helped me to be happier was doing a course I was interested in one day a week - if you can afford it - but a day course.

The revelation for me was that this is totally different to an evening course because you spend all day with your classmates and usually have lunch together - so you really get to know people, make new friends and bond.

I'd done evening classes before but that's a different dynamic as usually it finishes late, most people are tired after work and just want to get home. They aren't interested in bonding over a drink after class. It's not impossible to make new friends this way but its a lot slower and a lot harder.

It helped me do something fulfilling I enjoyed, make new friends and expand my social circle.

Thanks for posting this OP! I recently split with someone after a brief, awful relationship.
I realise I let things get serious too quickly and didn't listen to my gut feelings from the start. I think this is because I was so keen to be in a relationship and the guy ticked quite a few boxes for me so I overlooked things like his quick temper, his lack of friends etc. This was a big mistake and I need to not let this happen again so am back to singledom for the time being.
However, if the right person comes along, I wouldn't completely dismiss the idea of a relationship. At 42 I'm not getting any younger and I don't want to end up single forever.

@PinkBlueStripes Interesting list. Automatically assumed the OP was female of course.... which is this case, she was, but some of those definitely wouldn't apply to a male poster. Bloke who started "hanging out with friends kids" would probably have suspicion fall on his motives.

Struggling today.

I have a very rare weekend off and the weather is going to be lovely. Yet I have no one to spend it with

My friends are either acquaintances who aren't really interested in 'hanging out', working, or busy with their own family and friends. No family of my own here. No one to enjoy it with.

Ok, I know I can go out and enjoy it on my own doing things I like and I will but I don't WANT to do it alone. I was alone last weekend, and the weekend before, and the weekend before that. I'm always fucking on my own unless I'm at work, like I'm not worth being around unless someone is paying me to be there.

Ffs, I know I'm just having in a bad day but I really wanted to make the most of my weekend and yet all I really want to do today is lie in bed and cry

There must be someone you can call? How do you know that no one wants to hang out with you. Have you asked every single one?

One thing I learnt is you have to invite yourself to people. Most people just don’t think about inviting people over because they’re busy doing fuck all and being bored too. Only their doing that with someone.
So make a list of people. And say something like, I’m in your area tomorrow. Thought I would pop round with a bottle of wine/cake if you’re free in the afternoon.

Do that to 10 people. And even if that doesn’t work don’t think it’s because people don’t want to hang out with you.

Also something else my therapist said is don’t get upset when you have nothing to do when you haven’t planned anything, people plan way in advance, so I’ve learnt that I have to do that too.

Also recently I went to a touristy place and sat outside in a pub. Got talking to loads of nice tourist folk and had a lovely afternoon. But I had to force myself to do it.

But I do know how you feel. And it’s very easy to feel alone and down. Don’t beat yourself up about that either

Also where are your family? I would just go and visit if nothing else crops up

I used to find when I woke up like this - go out away from your own surroundings a trip to a garden centre or a walk into town would help
Me. .

Lovely thread!
I would also like to emphasise the lack of emotional turmoil that comes with focusing on yourself. I now can't really imagine having a partner because I have such as stable little unit and the memories of the dramas and worry (is he looking at other women because XYZ?) added to the lack of extra mess... It shifts life into a calmer and more 'adult' gear. If you want to watch something there's no debate, you can learn ukelele if you want, paint terrible pictures and bin them if you like without feeling you'd be judged, listen to Spice Girls as loud as you like, never have to spend weekends watching sport...I could go on!
Girls holidays are great, plus lots of single mums want to go away in groups (if they have funds!) so you have a great group of support there if you have kids. Also agree Meetup.com looks good. I keep meaning to do that!

Sorry just seen your update this am.

Your friends may not realise you are single again. It can be hard for people to re-adjust if you have spent a lot of time focusing on your ex and not much time 'out there'. I'd have a look at things you want to do (local brown signs/trip advisor things to do) and make a few plans with people for future weekends/evenings. Facebook events may help with something to do today? Be brave and good luck

Friends do know I'm single but most of them are not. I find it really disheartening to contact loads of people and not have any of them even reply let alone take me up on an invite to do stuff. I've tried before, reached out to people and made suggestions but no one ever accepts.

There are loads of Facebook events going on this weekend. In some ways that makes it harder because I'd really like to do some of it but I just don't WANT to do it on my own, AGAIN! I have done, many times, just for once I would like to have some company to do these things with.

My family are hundreds of miles away so I can't just nip over sadly

I found it hard being seemingly rejected every time I asked people. But I realised that I have to ask at least 1 month in advance. and have actual plan of things to do.
Do you have one close friend that you can be honest with and just say I’m finding this weekend tough.

I do have one friend I'm really close with but tbh I'm finding it hard to be around her at the moment - the last few times we've met up all she's wanted to talk about it either:

Her fiancé (she split with her ex same time I did and is engaged already while I am still alone)
Her fiancé's ex (there's only so many times you can give the same advice)
He financial difficulties (she has 2 incomes and receives benefits so it waaay better off than me!)

I love her but she has things that I would kill to have right now and yet still complains and I can barely get a word in. I feel bad because of course everyone has problems and she is entitled to whinge about them as we all are but I always have to go to her and then sit for hours listening to the same stuff. It depresses me even more.

Think I'm just having a pity party today lol I'll snap out of it soon

That friend can be your lifeline - try to do an actual activity with her where you have minimal time to chat. Just being around other people is good, yes she might be annoying atm but you need to speak up and say you really need someone to listen - keep making that point - so you can unload. She will get it eventually, people sometimes want to fill silences rather than seem like they are prying in another person's life or reminding them of painful things by asking.

If you like nature, are there ramblers clubs/ nature volunteer groups? There may be some daytime ones with retired people. Retired people are people too and cross generational friendships are perfectly possible.

Ok, I know I can go out and enjoy it on my own doing things I like and I will but I don't WANT to do it alone. I was alone last weekend, and the weekend before, and the weekend before that

I do understand by the way. There was a show I really wanted to go to last week, but I didn't. I just didn't want to have to go there on my own and have my own-ness shoved in my face. I had a day off too recently - there is a cafe I really want to try out - but I couldn't face sitting there alone. I used to have friends where I used to live and would have loved spending time in a cafe by my self then, when I had the choice to be with someone or not, but knowing you are sitting there by yourself because you literally have no-one else to be with feels very, very different.

I’ve been single for over 4 years and finally have come to the realisation that I actually do need to be in a good relationship with a man and my advice would be that, even though you don’t want to, you need to go to those events on your own.

Tonight I’m going for dinner to a friend and his partner’s house with a single female friend of ours and we will have a ball. However, I only met them through going to hobbies alone and feeling a bit shit. I’ve also, through hobbies and then social invitations after, met lots of people who might not be single themselves but who’ve got to know me and think highly enough of me to want to set me up with their single guy friends and relatives. Through my friends from hobbies and through work colleagues and clients I’ve started to realise I am valued and loved, just maybe not by a guy at the moment but I’m seen and appreciated and that’s a huge confidence boost.

I work three jobs and it is hard but I force myself to go out when I’m knackered and at breaking point, to the gym, to hobbies etc. Don’t turn any invitations down at all.

It’s also really nice to have the space and confidence to develop your personal style. I’ve realised that really I like to mix things up...my ex hated it when I wore rockabilly or vintage stuff, or red lips or if I wanted to wear something a little sexier than usual. Other guys hated my cowboy boots that I’d sometimes wear. There are a couple of piercings and tattoos I’d like to get that I don’t have to worry about what a boyfriend might think about. My friend’s husband wouldn’t speak to her recently when she got a tiny tattoo on her wrist! I had an ex who told me I was never allowed to cut my rapunzel hair or he’d dump me. I can do whatever the hell I like with my hair now and don’t have to worry about what a guy might think. Oddly, when I dress more like me and feel more confident in my own skin, more guys approach me and tell me they love my style. Either way I don’t care, I just like how I feel and it’s better to be complimented on who you are as opposed to who you aren’t!

So maybe take some risks with your style that you wouldn’t have before. It’s great for breaking the people pleasing cycle too and building your confidence in your style.

Is there anything you’ve ever really wanted to try? I started teaching myself guitar a few years ago and doing a little bit of (shit!) songwriting and then booked a trip to Nashville to really indulge myself. I did a creative writing course one year at college. Another time I went on a silent retreat. Every summer I try and book myself on some sort of course or other. It’s been a huge confidence boost. I also regularly take myself off to the cinema, theatre, gigs and lunch or dinner out alone. No one bats and eyelid and I’ve enjoyed myself. Is there anything you fancy seeing at the cinema tonight maybe? That was my first step.

The horniness/sex part is probably the most difficult. The longer you go without, the easier it gets (I mean, I’m talking years here!) but it is very very frustrating, lonely etc. I’m like you in that I haven’t really wanted to get into casual sex. After years of not being so much as hugged by a guy, I had a bit of a cheeky snog and a grope lol last week and this whole week has been awful. He just completely reminded me of what I’ve been missing for the past few years. So...maybe avoid that if you don’t want to make the horniness unbearable . I mean obviously, you can sort yourself out but it doesn’t compare to a real life guy.

Therapy has really helped me. I’m codependent too, but my type has totally changed (no more bad boys or peter pans) and I feel like I understand why my relationships haven’t worked out before and taken the time to get to know myself and my needs a bit better. Keep going with self help and self care.

And...I know that you have asked for tips on being single but...don’t write yourself off! Definitely do some work on yourself and take some time out but don’t write yourself off like I did. Be open to meeting someone lovely. It does sound like you are happier are in a relationship but need to work on being happier in your own skin and having better boundaries first.

Good luck .

I'm the opposite cannot be bothered I try with boyfriends but get utterly bored. I prefer my own sex toys, tidy house without men trying to move in as I own an expensive house. I like having beauty treatments focusing on my career and son. Men get in the way, they want something and have little to give in return except manipulation and demands. I know my feelings are not healthy either, I've tried very hard. Perhaps if I met the right man.

Sorry you are still struggling today, OP. Long weekends are hard and it’s especially difficult if you know that everyone you know is with their families.

I managed to invite some friends (all couples) for a BBQ tomorrow but it only worked as I planned it a month ago. It will be fun but I’ll be painfully aware of the fact I’m alone when everyone’s gone and I’m left on my own.

Hang in there, I hear you.