Saw ex for the first time

[Rock3pillo]

Previously posted on here after my husband of 4 months left me for a work colleague.

Cut a very long story short, I had been fortunate enough to not see him and her since he left in January. They are both living across the road from me at my in laws which has been another thing to deal with (she left her marriage for him too).

So last weekend I was on a girls night out. We live in a very small town where everybody knows everybody. I got complacent in thinking he'd stay away from mutual friends and places and received a call to say he was in the pub across the road with her. I completely broke down, I feel like I can't even enjoy going out now without being scared of seeing them both together. In light of this I decided to take the bull by the horns and arrange a meet up to discuss our home, finances etc and saw him for the first time this week (she's been away for the week). He came over and stayed for two hours and cried a lot.... I feel better after seeing him as he's become a mythical creature in my mind and it certainly made me realise that his life isn't this amazing fantasy as I imagined. He has promised me that he will not be socialising with her locally again however I know he feels very isolated and lonely (his own doing of course)....and I don't think the reaction he got whilst out was expected.

How can I prepare to see them together as I have a feeling he won't be able to help himself...? We have no children but were together for 9 years.

TIA

I have been dealing with this since last year too, fiance left for a teenage co-worker. She went off to uni but comes back all the time apparently and he decided to move a road away from me. I think it is inevitable, the advice I was given was to just smile and keep going or doing what you doing. It's not that easy though.I did see him a few times (didn't see me) and it wasn't as bad as I built it up to be.

Thank you... seeing him helped as he was just the man I remembered it's her I'm dreading. My friends saw her in the pub and she stared them down and is very brazen apparently. I'm not a confrontational person but just need to find a strength. It's awful isn't it would not have wished the last few months on my worse enemy

Blimey, she must be tough to leave her marriage to go and live with her future MIL.

What was the reaction your ex got when he was out?

Why is he lonely if he has her for company?

Don't... feel sorry for her in that respect!

I think he expected people to just forget that everybody knows he's a cheat and he has cut me from his life. Bearing in mind these people were at our wedding day 7 months ago. I think he honestly thought he could take her out and she'd slot right in our friendship group and nobody would bat an eyelid.

He is naturally a very sociable person to the extent that I was ditched most weekends in favour of a night out with the 'lads'. He has now become the model boyfriend who has seen his friends 2/3 times in past 3/4 months. I think he's missing that life and realising that he's given a lot up. Also it's the first time seeing me since leaving and I think it hit him harder than he expected from a guilt aspect

Yeah I wouldn't wish it on anyone either @Rock3pillo Ugh she sounds lovely. I would have thought if you do something like this you would want to lie low but a lot of them seem to revel in it from talking to other people who have been through it. I guess they think they won a prize or something. Strange behaviour.

What did he say to you?

Don't post that I get the jist from your post there.

It is funny how they just expect everyone to think it's okay.

Pressed enter too soon, I bet he's not allowed to go out as much considering how they got together.

Wow, what a prick. I think that first time you see them is really dreadful- I identify with that “they become a mythica creature” thing. It won’t ever be that bad again. God speed, OP. Sounds like you dodged a bullet long term.

I think you should get used to the idea of seeing them out together. He sounds completely spineless to agree that they’ll never socialise together in their home town, I wonder what she’ll have to say about that!

This is the issue she's obviously in control of the relationship and calls the shots... plus she will not want him to slip back in to his old ways (not coming home and out of every weekend) but at the same time she wants to make her mark out there. It just frustrates me as I'm such a home girl and just got my confidence back to get back out there. They have each other and the whole world and yet they want to be back here. He did seem genuinely remorseful on wed but I don't trust anything he says anymore.... I just can't believe this is my life at the moment. Feel like I'm not living in the real world.... x

To add context he is the most uncontrollable human going. He firmly wore the trousers in our relationship so must be a new world to him.

Yeah it's a very surreal thing to go through. I still feel like it's a weird dream some days.

Doesn't sound very solid, I don't know how they trust each other when they meet like that. Mine went and met her family a week after leaving, it all seems so odd and rushed. Like you say making their mark maybe.

Yeah I think it's because they have to constantly justify their decision and happiness don't they. Prove their love! she was at my in laws 2 weeks after he left... haven't heard a word from them since. People you think you have known for 9 years.... it's mental. X

It's not very healthy really. I suppose sometimes it works out but I wonder how much of that is forced because of what they lost and all the hurt they caused to be together. It always seems to be co-workers as well.

I think it is hard to see them but as time goes on and you heal it will get easier. I say that but I know it's not that easy. Still working on it myself. :)

I’m sorry that he betrayed you after your many years of devotion.

What did he say and why did he cry?

In your previous thread, you mentioned that he experiences depressive cycles and regularly abused drugs and alcohol. You were his rock and support. In the long run, your life will be much more stable and peaceful. He, however, has likely not dealt with his many underlying issues.

You would greatly benefit from counseling to strengthen your self-esteem and learn coping strategies during this grieving/healing process.

Yes his lifestyle was chaotic and strangely since the day he left my anxiety has gone... I don't know whether he's to do with it or because I have so much more to worry about than what the Noise outside could be

He cried because of guilt I think when he asked how my family were and when I told him how much he'd hurt me and how he'll never realise what it's like to just be dropped.

He's given up the drink drugs and cigarettes for now but I know he misses his old life but then he made this decision. It's like he's replaced that addiction with her. He basically said the pain he's been in and he didn't want me to think he's not hurting or suffering which threw me as I'd created him living the high life.

It's horrible because he's not a bad person but he's done an awful thing and I need to remember that.

Forgot to add I'm having counselling and it's been a huge help!

I'm sorry you're dealing with this

I'm very pleased the counselling is helping.

I understand the mythical creature thing, I had similar as well yesterday. It's a horrible feeling, and very discombobulating.

It will only get easier though. Some parts will be hard, but you've done the hardest bit.

Glad you're in counselling rock3pillo, it can really help. Helped me too. :)

It's helped massively. Thankfully I have huge support. I suppose the issue is I miss him as a person, he made me laugh and I trusted him implicitly. It is such a horrible situation I never ever thought he'd do this. I feel like I have gone backwards this week since seeing him but it has helped in many ways as he realised I was a human again. I managed to stay strong throughout the meeting thankfully

Tbh OP, a small town will know exactly what happened in that she slept and took a married man. I do not think you need worry, she will know what others think.
Go live your best life and hold your head up high. Them 2 cheaters are in for a rough ride!

Thank you so much. Yes sort of place everybody knows everyone and I'm strangely happy about that. I feel fine going out and I know when they do they'll be subject to awkward stares and fake conversations (essentially what happened last weekend apparently). We were due to start trying for a baby this year and in hindsight I am so pleased we didn't bring a child into this.

He was cruel to move with her across the road from you. Have you considered moving to a different area of your town? After all the chaos he brought, I would look forward to a fresh start somewhere else.

Meant to add: You wouldn’t be running away, but would be moving on in a positive way in a new space.

Just keep your head held high. Don't try to avoid them. And don't feel sorry for him and take him back if he comes crying.