Post divorce dramas which just go on and on and on...

[user1467480231]

In brief, been divorced for nearly two years, separated for 3. Husband went off with OW who was from Asia and half his age. Now has a toddler (we have grown up kids together who I bring up alone and who he only sees once a year). Basically, tells our kids he's miserable and fucked up his life. Shame.

Anyway, what I was really wondering was ... does anyone else have to suffer BS post divorce stuff purely because the ex has messed up his life and is now bitter? I can't seem to get away from it as he fiddles around with maintenance just so I have to hire the lawyer again (which leaves me in debt) and destroys holiday plans at the last minute (promised holidays for the kids never come about) which means I can't get time off work etc.

Just wish he would move on with his not-so-happy-life but unfortunately there has to be this ludicrous contact. If I didn't know better, it would seem that he can't let me go?

Yup first husband we even worse and is still meddling 30 years later. Me and my DS just roll our eyes now at his self destructive antics. I can't cope with him anymore so DS fills me in on the drama on the rare occasion they get together.

You got it. These guys know they've fucked up, lost something good, and - like a tantrumming toddler - any attention is good attention.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Ask yourself, is contact really necessary and beneficial for the children? Also, do you have a final financial settlement?

If you have grown up kids why is he in contact. I would get your kids to have their own direct relationship and warn them that he will be flaky. Then he will know that he is only hurting them directly - and can’t get to you - which I assume is what he wants.

I would also take a sad guilty pleasure and chuckle about the mess he finds himself in.

Do you have a consent order? If so you can apply to have the order enforced, through court and much cheaper than involving solicitors.

Yes, ignore all other behaviours, recognise he will let the DC down and be grateful that he is far away. The DC of grown should manage their own contact.

These men need old school public health broadcasts, he could be the poster boy for "don't do what I did as the grass is not greener"

Ugh I hear you! I split from ex 16 years ago, he's dipped in and out mostly out of dds life, never dependable on contact, messes with her head, I have to pick up the pieces and he never paid maintenance regularly either.

If your kids are grown up now maintenance is a non issue. I got to a point fairly early on that I didn't rely on it and didn't include in budget.

My ex has very recently after several years of virtually no contact to dump himself back in now 18 yr old dds life (I've heard through grapevine he's had a health scare, it's all about him and his needs) he also has been saying for years the affair was a huge mistake and he massively regrets. That's even though they're now married and have 5 kids together.

Dd is talking about meeting up with him for a weekend. I don't think it's a good idea I suspect I'll be picking up pieces again as ex has never dealt with dd as an independent and opinionated teen! He's quite traditional on parenting views very strict which she isn't used to. He's always infantilised her too which drives her nuts.

But he's still her dad so I understand her desire to connect with him just I don't think it will go well! Last time he saw her she was same age as his current youngest! And still relatively malleable - she's not now!

I'm dreading it.

Sorry I've no advice other than distance yourself as much as possible and support your kids as much as you can.

Me too!
Yup been split 6 years... he’s inconsistent with his son... dropped contact from 2/3 days a week to 4 days per month.
Always promising things to ds that never materialise or they do but ds doesn’t get taken on ( like holidays) he’s changes contact days dependant on something he’s doing ( obvs he can’t fit it in in the other 26 days he has free!) only contacts ds to tell him something he’s done like won a race or something.... yet for ds 11 the sun shines out his dads arse.hes too young at present to see he keeps getting thrown off.
It’s infuriating and also mucks up my plans quite often.
I feel for the next 8-9 years I’ve still got this BS to contend with.

@Thecrown3
We always did every other weekend ti the letter.

If ex was busy he had to wait till his weekend.

It stopped him messing around
And it worked well after that.

This thread should be read by all whose dh have left for the 'ow'

In fact ow's should read it too.

'The grass is never greener'

@robin

I stick to mine to the letter... he does not... and after 13 years of fighting with this prick ( even pre ds) I do not have any more mental energy to cope with court orders etc

He doesn’t see his other children , since they were 6 ( now 18 nearly) even though there were court orders....because he does not like being forced to do anything.he literally wants to be a free spirit... but wants his children to adore him, yet doesn’t put the work in.
I literally sit and chew my hands off itching for my son to see what he’s doing... but he doesn’t, dad is great, dad does this, dad buys me that. I can’t say to my son it’s easy to be a parent 4 days a month!!!

It’s also dependant what girlfriend he has at time too, as to how my son fits in, he’s currently got another one on the burn with a child, after only splitting with his 2 year girlfriend 3 months ago who had 2 children my son had to fit inline with.
It never ends the drama - I’m always on hyper alert with plans etc in case they fold

Unfortunately our consent order was periodical payments for the next 15 years as ex DH squander all our money (we will never find out what 80k went on.... ), hence why he needs to be in our lives for that long and has the "control" of messing with our heads.

Currently, The Prick is threatening to reduce payments despite his OW plastering 10 international flights they've been on in the last 8 months all over her Facebook page. My son didn't even get the 3 days promised trip to Wales when The Prick was last over.

It seems these men suddenly regress into pre-schooler once the grass on the greener side has rotted !!

My maintenance was chopped yet again in January despite him flying backwards and forwards across Europe to see his new woman. The holiday contact he had is now none existent and the kids usually see him once a month now. He stopped me getting a mortgage by with drawing his payments and nearly made me lose my house. He's self employed so the CMA reckon he owns me £230 a month. I'd pay much more than that on my salary and he earns nearly 3 x I do! It's not even about the money, because I've got my head around it. It's the constant insecurity for my kids and then being out last. It's appalling.

I had almost 7 years of this and returned to court several times and had to self represent. Constant threats of reducing the periodical payments, whether they were court ordered or not. There is a way out go back to court and get the payments capitalised. First you need an Enforcement Order as he is unilaterally reducing the payments and you must not allow him to do this. Then or instead apply to get the payment capitalised which basically means you will get a lump sum so then you can cut all financial contact with him forever. Possibly check with a solicitor first or search online as to whether you need to enforce payments first.
I managed it as periodical payments turn out to be a ball and chain. Obviously he needs to be in a financial position to pay the lump sum, he will insist he cannot, but it is surprising how the money suddenly appears. My ex was the same as yours spending in excess of 100 k of our assets without my knowledge. Apart from court appearances I cut all contact with him, my children were old enough to have their own relationship with him. He chose to see very little of them and they do not appear to have much of a relationship with him now. I never ask, but I do know you reap what you sow.

Interesting comment about the enforcement order, however, I do know he won't have the money. Well, from what he stated in his Form E. I like the comment too about "ball and chain". It's absolutely awful and makes me ill. My hair all fell out. No kidding.

What I don't understand is how these men can constantly use the money threat when it actually affects their own children. My ex lives abroad and will now only see the kids once a year.

But what still really confuses me is that they walk away to a shiny exciting new life and leave often devastated wives and families behind and once the guilt wears off they start with the shit.

I’m 3 years separated and divorce has just started but still get the odd bitter email stating I have taken so much from him and how he is the victim !!

He’s still with OW but not living together so why the bitterness now ?

It just doesn’t make sense why they behave like this, it seems a well walked road and pattern reading the other posts, they mess up and then continue to make life hard for those left behind.

My ex is in his 50's and is now back to changing nappies and with the OW who he tells our older children that "he hates and he's made a huge mistake".

Instead of making things better for everyone, he just endlessly takes it out on me. Guess he shouldn't have skipped off so easily into the sunset (with his OW who barely speaks English and is half his age) without a backwards glance.....until now of course, when it's all gone horrendously wrong!

I agree it is an awful way to live when you have the constant threat of your ex reducing the finances. How old are your children, do you work ?
Of course if he is not paying the full amount you can seek an enforcement. Were the periodical payments court ordered, if so he is in breach of the order. Write to him and tell him he has 14 days to make payment owed and warn him you will seek to have payment enforced through the court, keep a copy. If he does not comply do a search for the correct form to enforce the order, fill it in and send to the court which issued the original Court Order, you really do not need to be represented and could do this yourself. If you need support you could take what is called a McKenzie friend to, just make sure they are not related. If you look on the government funded Wikiforce divorce website they will help you, they also have the forms available to download.

What terrible stories

Guess I was 'lucky'.

Once I d said EOW visIts - take it or leave it he played ball.

I did this through his very nice sister as I couldn't cope with direct contact in the early days.

No rows.
No court case.
No problem.

He always paid maintenance even though I told him I didn't want it.

I think they get bitter, bitter realising that actually they had it good but fucked it up.They also get bitter that their own actions have forced them to move house/change location etc( only basing on my ex btw ) it’s envy/jealousy,
They change their friend group too sometimes because their not the straightforward nice person they portrayed and ppl cast them out.
They throw it all away but then somehow your to blame for that

Are you children grown up or not? Because kids from about 13 years and upwards need to be sorting out their own contact.

Instead of constantly going to the solicitor because he doesn't make his court ordered payments could you go back to court for a lump sum and and a clean break? His circumstances may have changed in 3 years.

They get to walk away, start / invent a new life for themselves, most mothers do not, we stay and remain a rock for our children and I would not have it any other way.
I could probably forgive my ex the affairs, but not the terrible way he attempted to financially control me following separation. I ended up in court 8 times all to do with the finances, represented myself during 5 of those.
If your children are old enough you do not need to have anything to do with him. Anything to do with the finances if needs be you can deal with that by email. Apart from the very early days the only contact I have had with the ex is in court. When he has attempted to contact me I have ignored his texts or emails, this is called taking back control and it drives them crazy.
I do not think about him, care who he is with or where he lives. I would however like to know if karma has come and bitten him on the bottom.

The reason for bitterness over money is that they believe you are spending "their"money on shoes and coffee trips.

The was a male poster on this site to described his payments to Ex wife and her minimum wage job as her "being able to live in luxury". I just think they are often delusional and cannot take responsibility for their actions so have to blame the Ex wife. I also think some individuals are high conflict and need someone to vent about so nothing will make them happy ever!

I allowed my ex to control the finances when we were together and I always spent carefully as a result of that. I do agree with the ' their ' money though, in fact I now realise my ex always viewed it as his money. Completely ignoring the fact that had I not have given up my career to be a sahm he would never have been as successful and be earning the high salary he is now.

Agree with the fact they see it as their money is being frivolously spent .... as I argued once with ex, because he doesn’t declare all his wages, his money doesn’t even cover all the outgoings .... an if they still lived under same roof they would pay a lot more out anyhow on kids... ice cream here, extra school bits ad hoc.
In essence their arseholes and I haven’t heard nor met any ex dh whose life is far far better beyond their wildest dreams. They just trade like for like... another woman, perhaps her children or more children .
The saving grace was my ex got the snip after our ds, so along with not seeing his previous 2 kids.... he cannot inflict any more heartache on any more children.

There’s decent men out there, if you have an ex dh it’s likely at certain ages your going to meet and be with somebody else’s ex dh.... just depends on the man, my partner is a decent man and goes above and beyond for his children- pays more than he should, covers everything by half and their involved in every part of his life.
My ex dh... his first two play no part in his life and my ds he can’t be bothered to give any more time than 4 days a month or basic csa - moaning that he’s got 3 kids to pay for and he can’t get on with life!!! Tough shit, the 2 Mother’s of your kids has had no support, had to stall their careers/promotions/life plans whilst you have climbed career ladder out every night schmoozing to get there.lots and lots of dreams big and small on hold till such time we re not needed as much.

Well said TheCrown3.

Totally agree that they see maintenance as being paid to the Ex wives and not to the children. (I'd love to see a public campaign addressing this - supported by much more stringent rules and enforcement on cm collection - we can dream!)

My ex who should bloody well know better has since we split acted as if I'm some kind of Fucking gold digger!

A few years ago dd needed something and I didn't have the money to get it immediately so she asked her dad. It wasn't something he could buy and send her, she needed to buy it in person. He refused to transfer me the money instead putting himself and dd to incredible trouble to set up a prepaid credit card thing for her to buy it with!

Result was item was more expensive by the time this was all arranged and to be honest by that point I had the money to give dd but dd insisted he follow through on a promise for once.

Dd was exasperated too because she also knows that I would never misappropriate any money meant for her or see her do without.

In fact as a result of his not paying maintenance correctly and messing up my finances in other ways since we split there's been times I've gone without food, clothes, and in other ways in order to ensure dd OK.

He has never gone without his entire life! His family are comfortably off and his entire adult life he's been in decently paid work. He's never had to claim benefits or even consider going without small luxuries, he's certainly never had to decide "do I use the last 2 slices of bread for my child's lunch or have beans on toast for dinner myself?" Or "do I buy my child a much needed new coat or replace the only pair of shoes I have which have holes in and it's winter and raining?"

I don't begrudge doing those things for dd but damn straight I'm furious HE put me in that position when he was sodding off to bloody Florida on holiday!

It’s funny that they always hint your a gold digger isn’t it, yet if anything like my ex, he turns up each month with new cars, new Apple watches, clothes, tells my son he’s going ski-ing.
Whereas I’m there plodding along , holiday only every few years, old car etc