Does DH have Asperger's?

[newcat12345]

Not trying to make light of mental illness but seriously think something is going on.

Been with DH over 25 years and certain mannerisms and traits rear their head over and over again. I Have come to the end of my tether now though as we are currently on an incredible holiday of a lifetime with DC and it's like he's gone into overdrive .

So where do I begin with his behaviour?
He Freezes around other people particularly in social situations even with friends we've known for years. Will sit with a morose, distant look on his face -appearing totally disinterested unless it's a subject he wants to talk about and then he'll dominate the conversation. Often repeats same stories or anecdotes over and over again. Mix into that the faux pas and frequent insensitive comments without thinking first. Incapable of making any small talk whatsoever. Even worse when he's had a drink.

And so onto this weekend. He Doesn't walk close to us, he's often a few meters away in his own world. Me and DC sometimes get so fed up of it, we just stop walking and see how long it takes him to realise we're not trailing behind him.
Touring the city, he doesn't remark on the vibrance or culture; just the architecture and efficiency of public transport. There's no lightness in his conversation... no "can you imagine if we lived here...which house would you choose". Or 'which food do you fancy, why don't we do this, that or the other?'. No laughter or excitement, no joy.
It seems like everything is an effort for him.
I am left to make all the decisions and control any organisation. How he manages to run his own business I have no clue.

Yesterday I made him enquire about train tickets and he literally freaked. He asked the ticket guy to repeat himself several times (massively embarrassing as the guy has perfect English) and I could just see the panic in DH's eyes that he couldn't process what he was being told. Kept looking at me to take over.

I am exhausted through worrying about what he will or won't come out with; who he will offend; how much I will have to over compensate for his 'rudeness' and what I have to deal with on what should be a lovely break. We are currently staying with friends who have been amazingly hospitable and it's just toe curlingly embarrassing his utter absence of social niceties - I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. For example just passing the time when our friends said they've got tickets to see a famous comedian soon and DH just blurts out "don't think he's funny at all" . Seriously think we've got any friends left because I make such a big effort.

I also worry for DC who get dragged down by him. Seriously need help on working a way forward with this. I love him but honestly wonder why I stay sometimes. I really don't like him very much any more which is so sad

Asperger’s isn’t a ‘mental illness’, OP.

Thanks for your helpful comment.
If I made a mistake with that I apologise

It’s a fairly serious error. That aside, my father is on the autistic spectrum, and has as far back as I can remember exhibited several of the behaviours you list. The inability to respond to normal social conversation, the endless anecdotes wheeled out, regardless of their suitability to the company, or the fact that we’ve all heard them dozens of times before.

Your remark about him not noticing the city, only its public transport reminded me of a time when my sisters and I bought our father a ‘how to research your family tree’ evening course, something he’d said often he was interested in. A friend of mine asked him about it after it ended, as she was considering doing it, and he launched into what was literally a 30-minute monologue about the traffic en route, the difficulties of parking at the university, and the trick being to wait till just after a certain time, and there being some small car park at the back that you had to drive around the back of the main campus to get to etc etc. He never mentioned the course content. He’s often responded to someone giving a piece of major good/bad news — a pregnancy, an illness — by just starting a monologue about his computer with no acknowledgement of what has been said. He refuses to go anywhere new, and has a horror of deviating from routines.

What you say reminds me of him.

Aspergers really isn't a mental illness.

You can't be so offensive and then get pissy when you're corrected.

He sounds very anxious and depressed and that seems to be exacerbating some issues around social fluency.

It’s perfectly possible to have autistic traits without them being pronounced enough to get over a diagnostic threshold, but from what you’ve said, he sounds incredibly anxious and inward focussed.

What’s he like in his own environment doing the things he is interested in?

And yes, aspergers isn’t a mental illness. But so what?

I also worry for DC who get dragged down by him. Seriously need help on working a way forward with this. I love him but honestly wonder why I stay sometimes. I really don't like him very much any more which is so sad

Your dislike of him is very clear.

So wouldn't it be kinder in the long run, to get divorced and let him live in his own way, irrespective of the potential Aspergers issue?

There's no malice in his behaviour, as you describe it, and is hard to see what the "way forward" would be as you clearly can't stand him. Nobody deserves a marriage like that.

From your description, it sounds like he quite possibly does.
There’s a group somewhere in here for partners of people with ASD. You might find that useful.

www.aspergerstestsite.com/75/autism-spectrum-quotient-aq-test/

And yes, aspergers isn’t a mental illness. But so what?

A lot of us on MN have DC with Aspergers @Letterkennie

I'm sure you're fine with you're children being wrongly stigmatised as having a mental illness, but that makes you the strange one.

"So what?" Is just advanced dickishness.

Fra...really appreciate your thoughts and sharing your experiences.

Truly didn't mean to offend anyone, clearly my ignorance showing on how the ASD is classified?

Sorry but yes I do dislike DH at the moment and don't mind admitting it. He can be loving and is extremely hardworking but doesn't make life or relationships easy.

It does sound like Aspergers is worth looking at.

But if you dislike it all this much, I don't see how you fix it, Aspergers or not. Your only hope is to learn to detach and ignore the foibles that you can't learn to love. But if it's already been 25 years...

One of the reasons I thing wider diagnosis and diagnosis in childhood is such a good thing, is so that people don't go into marriage unaware, or in denial.

I fervently hope my DS marries another aspie, despite being very high functioning, because I think aspies and NTs drive each other screwy. The NT partner gets driven up the wall, and the aspie partner gets unfairly demonised for their quirks. (My parents marriage partly inspired my view.)

I'm sorry if that's not much help, but it's my honest opinion. I have nightmares about my son ending up in a marriage like yours. Good luck, though

I think he just sounds aloof and doesn’t care about you.
Was he always like this? That’s the teller - if yes than this is just him. If no then he’s likely having an affair or just checked out of the marriage and your friends aren’t important to him.

One slightly more helpful thought; Aspies are often at their worst in holiday.

So don't despair too much if this has all blown up on this trip. Maybe you could even holiday separately in future? Would he even bother if he was alone?

Yes he has always been like this although the pressures of running a business have certainly magnified his anxieties and behaviour.

I don't want to just walk away; we are a family; what I want to know is what support is out there.
he has previously mentioned himself that he is 'wired differently' but shuts his ears to any suggestion that he may have ASD

Well easy things would be you getting the train tickets, and accepting that he's better not left to do those kind of things. Both playing to your strengths. What are his strengths?

No-one online can diagnose your DH with any medical condition.

Info on Asperger's
"People with Asperger syndrome see, hear and feel the world differently to other people. If you have Asperger syndrome, you have it for life – it is not an illness or disease and cannot be ‘cured’. Often people feel that Asperger syndrome is a fundamental aspect of their identity."

Much more here www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/asperger.aspx

Perhaps if you tried to understand your DH, to see things from his perspective instead of expecting him to instinctively know how to behave in social situations, you wouldn't be exhausted through worrying about what he will or won't come out with; who he will offend; how much I will have to over compensate for his 'rudeness' and what I have to deal with

If you consider he may have Asperger's, then it's up to you to find out as much as you can about it.
This explains the spectrum. the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

You can discuss it with him and suggest he goes for diagnosis if he wants to. He could try the AQ Test online as a guide.

You may also consider seeing what adjustments you can make within your family to accommodate his differences.

I have two close relatives with ASD and a lot of what you've described here with your husband sounds familiar.

Rubbertreeplant my DP, 1 sinking and two of my children have high functioning autism. Aspergers isn’t a term that is used anymore but then if you knew what you were talking about, you would know that too.

And neurodiversity frequently occurs alongside anxiety. But then you’d know that too, wouldn’t you?

Whether what’s going on is autism or a mental illness is irrelevant, because in order to attempt to remove the stigma which surrounds both conditions, it’s not helpful to have a preference for one above the other. The classification of the condition as relatively temporary and treatable vs whole of life is pointless. But you’d know that too, wouldn’t you, Rubbertreeplant.
And your attempting to apply a perjorative preference to neurodiversity over having a mental health condition actually contributes to that stigmatisation.

So to your “dickishness” cleverclogs.

Letterkennie actually, alot of us parents who got their child a diagnosis when it was aspergers still refer to it as aspergers.

Especially when explaining to other people. It's a term, that's not used technically anymore, but is used in everyday language and conversations. Many people do not know what HFA is. But they do know what aspergers is.

No it's not ok to refer to it as a mental illness. Because it's not. Medication wont help balance it. You cant recover from it. It's part of who my child is. Just like my NT child has certain traits, my other child has aspergers traits. He is him. He is not ill, he wont recover and he doesnt need to recover.

So no, it's not helpful to anyone with a mental illness either to turn a blind eye to people incorrectly classifying it. Confusing the 2 dowsnt help anyone.

OP, your dh possibly may have aspergers or rather HFA. However, does it matter what is causing it? Are you happy, will you support him through diagnosis and helping him gain coping mechanisms?

If it is HFA, forcing him into situations is likely to make his anxiety worse. When my son is stressed his HFA traits are more pronounced. So while I understand that it must be frustrating for you and you feel he needs to do more. It's not that simple and it's a long road.

If you dont want to do this or just cant, I understand that, but the marriage is over. Regardless of what the problem is.

Yes he sounds like my brother. He now lives alone and has done for some time. He got introduced to a lady and they went away to Venice. Unfortunately it didn’t go so well as he went into full swing marching her round all the Venetian art work across the city. I went to stay with him recently and he insisted we did a walk but he strode off ahead. I vowed to just call by and not to actually stay next time as it’s exhausting. Your DH is lucky that he has you all. It must be tiring.

No it's not ok to refer to it as a mental illness. Because it's not. Medication wont help balance it. You cant recover from it. It's part of who my child is. Just like my NT child has certain traits, my other child has aspergers traits. He is him. He is not ill, he wont recover and he doesnt need to recover.

Which is the key thing for OP to realise, actually (assuming she's right in her hunch).

It's not an illness. You can't fix him. He doesn't actually NEED fixing. Different doesn't mean broken.

I had an ex who I strongly suspect has HFA/Aspergers.

What I’d say is, what difference will knowing make? For me, it wouldn’t have made a difference - by the time I realised that was likely what he had, I didn’t want to be with him anymore.

(Have a child with ASD, and the similarities are glaring, so I’m not totally diagnosing on the hoof)

My husband has just been diagnosed with ADHD and aspergers. The psychologist recommended a support group in our area. We both went and there were people there with both. It really opened our eyes. My husband still goes once a week and he is learning so much about it all and other peoples struggles. Not sure if this would be something your husband would be interested in but it has really helped my husband.

My ex has these issues, I think I could have coped IF he had acknowledged them and we could have worked on strategies together. But he remains in denial. Wonder if the new woman will fare better.