Does DH have Asperger's?

[newcat12345]

Not trying to make light of mental illness but seriously think something is going on.

Been with DH over 25 years and certain mannerisms and traits rear their head over and over again. I Have come to the end of my tether now though as we are currently on an incredible holiday of a lifetime with DC and it's like he's gone into overdrive .

So where do I begin with his behaviour?
He Freezes around other people particularly in social situations even with friends we've known for years. Will sit with a morose, distant look on his face -appearing totally disinterested unless it's a subject he wants to talk about and then he'll dominate the conversation. Often repeats same stories or anecdotes over and over again. Mix into that the faux pas and frequent insensitive comments without thinking first. Incapable of making any small talk whatsoever. Even worse when he's had a drink.

And so onto this weekend. He Doesn't walk close to us, he's often a few meters away in his own world. Me and DC sometimes get so fed up of it, we just stop walking and see how long it takes him to realise we're not trailing behind him.
Touring the city, he doesn't remark on the vibrance or culture; just the architecture and efficiency of public transport. There's no lightness in his conversation... no "can you imagine if we lived here...which house would you choose". Or 'which food do you fancy, why don't we do this, that or the other?'. No laughter or excitement, no joy.
It seems like everything is an effort for him.
I am left to make all the decisions and control any organisation. How he manages to run his own business I have no clue.

Yesterday I made him enquire about train tickets and he literally freaked. He asked the ticket guy to repeat himself several times (massively embarrassing as the guy has perfect English) and I could just see the panic in DH's eyes that he couldn't process what he was being told. Kept looking at me to take over.

I am exhausted through worrying about what he will or won't come out with; who he will offend; how much I will have to over compensate for his 'rudeness' and what I have to deal with on what should be a lovely break. We are currently staying with friends who have been amazingly hospitable and it's just toe curlingly embarrassing his utter absence of social niceties - I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. For example just passing the time when our friends said they've got tickets to see a famous comedian soon and DH just blurts out "don't think he's funny at all" . Seriously think we've got any friends left because I make such a big effort.

I also worry for DC who get dragged down by him. Seriously need help on working a way forward with this. I love him but honestly wonder why I stay sometimes. I really don't like him very much any more which is so sad

Sally that’s my experience. He didn’t want to consider that any of the issues might be his, I did loads to try to accommodate his needs, but got to the point I couldn’t anymore.

His new woman is apparently amazing and wonderful but they aren’t living together yet.

This sounds quite similar to my life with my exh, op and you have my sympathy; it's wasn't a very happy life.

In some ways I think it would be easier to have a diagnosis; I spent years thinking "why is he being like this?" instead of understanding that he probably couldn't help it.
Might have made things slightly easier to deal with.

I would hope friends who know you well would just accept DHs ways. You need to learn to accept him and not be embarrassed by him and I would think the DCs might take after him.

It's not an illness. You can't fix him. He doesn't actually NEED fixing. Different doesn't mean broken.

This

This is who he is and after after 25 years of this being who he is, why would he be someone different. If you can not accept who he is, then you need to move on. The contempt you have for him is obvious and your children will probably have picked up on it and that isn’t healthy.

Take a massive step back and take a hard look at your behaviour. Pushing your H to do something you know he struggles with and then to get upset and embarrassed when he struggles is just bizarre bordering on the cruel.

you really should

I think there's been too much jumping on OP-and I say that as a parent of a child with autism and as someone who has worked extensively with autistic people.
Living and loving someone with autism can be incredibly hard. OP sounds miserable and just because he potentially (and it sounds like it) has autism, it doesn't make it easier. I am surprised you have lasted 25 years OP and am impressed. That said, if you are that unhappy then you also need you consider your needs, as they are as important as his in terms of being supported. You need support too. As above, if he is willing to countenance it, I would suggest support groups for both of you. If he isn't then you need to think about the best way forward for you because it sounds pretty awful and life is short. Grown adults with aspergers (and yes, I know it is no longer 'the thing') can acknowledge that their way of being needs to take into account others. Your needs are not second to his just because he has autism. Good luck OP

I have children with asd and a partner who is most definitely HFA and I really disagree with all these posters telling OP she should learn to accept it and be kinder to him. I recognise a lot of what you describe and understand how lonely and embarrassing this can all be. We have no joint friends. My partner doesn't have friends he says he doesn't need any. I have finally come to the realization that I have to make my own life with my own friends and leave him to it. Yes it is a disability and the condition cannot be cured. What I think is possible is for people who are higher functioning is to have the awareness of their condition and work with their partner to negotiate a happier life. However whilst I expect this can be the case, it is not like this for us. Any attempt to do this with my partner is met with complete scorn and disinterest. You will need to decide whether you can negotiate with him on this or whether you are prepared to live like this. I am currently l, mainly for financial and for the children reasons, hanging on but am much more direct about doing what I want in my free time rather than keeping him company doing the things he wants. I also cut off rants by telling him it is boring and walking away. The constant pessimism and horrible comments about others are v hard to deal with. I now challenge it and tell him I don't want to hear it.

Sounds like my partner of 23 years. I don't know if your or my man has Aspergers, but I do know how difficult it is to live with those traits you have described.
Especially not talking much.....except about their subjects when they go on and on and on....repeating again and again. Regardless of glazed eyes.
He walks off when i or dd are talking to him.....10 paces in front. So rude, so hurtful. Dd gets bewildered.
However, he's not offensive to mates because they're v. Similar to him.
I'm the one with the social issues you describe. But i can stifle it long enough for necessary communication with strangers.

Op, there is a support thread on this board for partners with ASD., could be useful for you.

I'm sure you're fine with you're children being wrongly stigmatised as having a mental illness

Honestly this is very offensive to people (like me) with severe mental illnesses and people who have DC with mental illness.

Correct people by all means...but this was as shitty (if not more so) than the OP.

@Letterkennie Thank you for your post about ASD and mental illness

My stepfather was, we are pretty sure, an undiagnosed ASD.
So, imagine how life was for my mother, back in the 70's. Nothing was there for her by way of support-if only MN existed then!

He had all the signs; but because we didn't know or understand, we bumbled along, with my mother becoming more and more exasperated with him. My brother left home as soon as he could because they couldn't communicate. I had a really good relationship with him though, I just accepted him as he was and thought that my mother's treatment of him was sometimes quite harsh.

By the early 1990's we chanced upon an article about 'Aspergers' and I found a book written by the wife of one, which I gave my mother. It was life changing for her and after 20 years she had her answer. She shared the book with him, and he did agree with some of the content. It helped us to understand why he was the way he was.

However, he couldn't cope with me getting married in my 40's and behaved quite badly towards us both. I soon realised that I had unwittingly become the 3rd person in their marriage and once I 'left', their marriage went into freefall. Then mother was in a horrific accident, was hospitalised & needed 6 months to be able to walk again. He couldn't cope at all with being her carer and that was the beginning of the end.

Very sadly he committed suicide 8 years ago.

The reason I share this with you is because as the years went by, he found it incredibly hard to keep up the facade of 'normality'; a lot of his behaviours were observed/learned, and it was almost as if 'the game was up' - I could see how unhappy he had become as my mother got on with making a life of her own, because she had given up trying to get him to do/try/experience new things they could do together. They began to hate each other.

I would suggest learning as much as you can about it and then deciding whether you can live with it or not. My mother became very very bitter and resentful because had she known she would never have got involved. It was all far too late once she had educated herself about it.

In a twist of fate, my brother's youngest stepson is ASD and he has a fantastic relationship with him.

Honestly this is very offensive to people (like me) with severe mental illnesses and people who have DC with mental illness.

Why?

It's not the aspies' job to dilute stigma about MH (which shouldn't exist anyway) by agreeing to be incorrectly described as mentally ill. Autists have their own battles to fight, and they need autism to be correctly understood.

You might as well argue that gay people should agree to be described as mentally ill, or lefthanders, or dyslexics.

What letter was saying in her tantrum post, was that it's not okay for aspies to use the term Aspergers any more (because of the DMV revision, which is neither binding on the autism community nor retroactive), but it isn't okay for them to reject the label of mental illness (which is a wholly incorrect label for them, comorbities not withstanding). Which is a ridiculous position to take.

Seriously need help on working a way forward with this. I love him but honestly wonder why I stay sometimes. I really don't like him very much any more which is so sad

Your dislike of him is very clear.

Indeed.

I mean, all relationship breakdowns look like that. Just read through this board. Suddenly everything and anything about the partner starts to irritate. You stop noticing what you used to love and start seeing everything they do through the very critical negative lenze.

The most simple explanation to your trouble imo is that you don't love him anymore. You are allowed that. It happens.

The honest thing in this situation, if he irritates you so much, is to separate. There is plenty of advice for this.

I am not sure why you bring asperger or any neurological condition into this. You don't need to blame a particular disability and stigmatise all people with this condition to explain away and make you feel better about your relationship breakdown.

People visiting cities on holiday are allowed to be interested in architecture and any topics they generally are interested in. People don't have to utter sentences matching your exacting expectations ot to love some boring comedians.
Generally they are allowed to be themselves.

It is sad you don't love him anymore, but you don't need to blame him for this, let alone to blame the whole group of people with Asperger..

Your comments about your husband are unkind and dehumanising when framed as a sign of a disability. What are you trying to say about people with Asperger?

I'm sorry but hasn't he always been like this? Whys it only bugging you now? He sounds harmless.

@blanktimes thank you for your balanced & helpful reply with the links to information on Aspergers/HFA/ASD. I hadn’t read those links before. I am NT with an undiagnosed HFA H. As many have said above, this relationship dynamic can be very tricky.

He sounds like someone in an anxious state. You describe it like an overdrive.

Maybe he sense subconsciously that you changed, you are not so so supportive, so complicit with him, he misses the connection. Basically he is distressed because he noticed that you withdrew emotional support from him.

He deserves a genuine safe trusting relationship.