Re your comments in quote marks,
"Thanks for all of the messages. I'm not sure why I find it so hard to swallow that he's 'abusive.' Maybe it's because none of my friends or family would in a million years believe the reality of our lives. In fact, I think I'm probably the one who comes across more dominant when we're in company but it's a completely different dynamic in our private life".
Perhaps you think that abuse is just physical or that is what you've been led to believe. However, as you as seeing abuse is not just physical in nature. He does not have to hit you (yet) to hurt you but when he thinks that what he is doing now does not work, then he may change tactics again. He is doing this really because he can. You are still there. Some abusive men like outwardly strong women but inwardly with a shaky sense of boundaries in relationships and low self esteem/poor self worth because they see them as a challenge to bring down.
Abuse and it is this thrives on secrecy. I would try to start opening up to more people about what he is like at home.
"My H is a lovely guy sometimes but he said last night he finds me impossible to live with and he said maybe I don't care about the house because of my upbringing. He wants things his way in the house. I've told him countless times that I'm open to adult discussion about it but what happens is he shouts and then often leaves the room. He tidies and cleans the kitchen on his days off and expects to come home to the same standard. But the thing is I do a lot of other things (shopping, baking, cooking) that he doesn't."
What was your upbringing like, was it stable or chaotic?. What sort of an example did your parents show you?. He is basically projecting his own self hate onto you; HE is the one who is impossible to live with and he cannot at all do adulting in any form. Trying to have a conversation with him about this will continue to be impossible. Such men hate women too, all of them.
"To answer why I married him, we have a long history and as a result are quite attached to one another. I love and care about him. Also, I really thought we had turned a corner at the time we got engaged and that we'd have a baby".
It seems too that you are stuck on the sunken costs fallacy (re your reference to long history). What you forget here is that the damage has already been done.
Are you really confusing love with codependency here?. His words and actions towards you are neither loving or caring. What you do not want to do is spend the next 3-5 years unsuccessfully trying to figure him out because you won't. This is who he is - an abuser of you. From your last sentence too, the writing was on the wall at that time but you minimised this. Why did you do that?. Would you really want a child by him now, no. Please do not bring a child into your relationship.
"I'm mostly the reason we don't have sex because I don't want to get pregnant and cannot go on oral contraceptives. I also just don't feel like being physically intimate with him beyond cuddles and caresses. We rarely kiss passionately. It's hard to know if we're at the point of no return or if we should work at it. We can get on quite well at times".
Your relationship bar is soo very low here that it is practically non existent. Why have you settled really here for this little, is this because you believe you do not deserve any better treatment?.
""He has lost his temper with others in the past but much less frequently -- it happened in work, on nights out etc. but in the past few years, I seem to be the only one who angers him to that extent and he seems in control elsewhere".
This is the nature of an abusive man and he is using you to blame for all his inherent ills. There are red flags a plenty re him anyway. What are his parents like OP, have a close look at their relationship.
"I cannot believe what a mess I'm in. How on earth am I going to get myself out of this?"
By divorcing him and working on your own self going forward so that you never fall for, let alone go onto marry, such an abusive manchild again. The Freedom Programme by Womens Aid is definitely something you should also consider doing.
My family live too far away to move in with.