Should I stay or should I go?

[Nevertoolatetochangeyourmind]

I am so conflicted. My H just came home and shouted at me that the place was a mess (I left all the dishes I washed draining on the draining board & I left clothes during on the radiator for speed because the heat was on. He has repeatedly asked me not to put clothes on radiators but I just find it handy). Anyhow, he was very aggressive and I can't stand the way he expresses himself.

Pros= security. I care deeply about him. He'd never cheat. He works. He's a decent guy.
Cons= we haven't had sex in months. When he's annoyed, he has no handle on his emotions. I have nowhere to live. We are only married a year.

I know. A mess, right?

Any thoughts or advice? Kind words only please xxx

@user1479305498

That's exactly it. I've come to realise I can't separate at all and I can't trust him enough to be that vulnerable around him. As someone said above, the damage is done.

I think I've known this for a while but I do have to wonder, how long is long enough? I've only been married a year but boy, has it been a tough year.

@keepingspiritsup

I agree. It's normal to a degree to get disgruntled in a relationship. It can be infuriating when you repeatedly make a request and it's not heeded. I know that from my current experience. I've repeatedly asked H to stop ignoring my requests to talk about the state our marriage is in and to stop shouting at me. But he hasn't.

how long is long enough
If things are not getting any better and you are asking yourself the question then it IS long enough

@inlecorecumbit

I'm beginning to think that...the thing is, obviously this radiator blow-up isn't an isolated incident. Obviously I wouldn't have posted here if my H was a rational, soft, kind man and then one day blows up over this one thing. But he's blown up at me so many things over so many things I do wrong and I'm just wondering if being single would be preferable to this. I just wish to goodness that I hadn't gotten married but I know I cannot turn back the clock. So that makes me feel I should work at it.

He just rang to apologise...took all the blame...he couldn't have been sweeter...this is a first!

He knows you are at your limit that is why he apologised.
You only get one shot at life and you owe it to yourself to make it the best life possible. You can't turn the clock back but you must look ahead. Do you want to be in this relationship in 1 year 2 years??? If you want DC's do you want them with your H. If you can't say yes at this point you have your answer.
Time is precious, don't waste it.

That from him was the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle but that is a continuous cycle. It won’t be long before he turns nasty again because that is what he really is.

More time with him will simply destroy you emotionally from the inside out.

Why do you feel any need at all to be working on this, there is really nothing to work on here also because he will never co-operate with you.
It’s been long enough now and you would be better off on your own.

Have you discussed your marriage and husband with your therapist?

He just rang to apologise...took all the blame...he couldn't have been sweeter...this is a first!

Is it the first time you have threatened to leave?

Have you discussed your marriage and husband with your therapist?

Yeah, I told her about a few incidents and she said he is trying to control me but then she also said that we were committed to one another and tried to put a positive 'work on things' slant on things. So, I felt confused. I'm meeting her again this week and I'll discuss more.

I've threatened to leave before but while he was giving out about the dishes/radiator, he also said, 'I'd be happy if you did move out if this is how I'm supposed to live' but then the way he spoke on the phone was all lovey-dovey...it does feel like a cycle. Every time this happens, I imagine it'll all improve. Maybe if I stop putting clothes on the radiator and keep the place cleaner, there'll be less to argue about!

He knows you are at your limit that is why he apologised.

I would say this is true because he rang first trying to have a normal conversation to see if the whole 'forget it ever happened' technique would work first. He then rang back later and eventually apologised.

Sadly it appears that your therapist is not at all well versed in the dynamics of abusive relationships. You cooperate here and he never does or will do so.

I would seriously consider contacting women’s aid in your particular circumstances.

Please don't be embarrassed. Even your chosen user name is telling you what you need to know! I am in a similar position to you (except my dh doesn't threaten to leave because he knows I would be thrilled) and have been for 2 decades of marriage and 3 kids. To leave now would be doing yourself the biggest favour you can imagine and PLEASE do it before having children with this man. Despite the sunk costs and admitting I made a huge error in judgment (we are set up to do so by abusive people), it is not stopping me making plans to ultimately get out. I like to think that if I didn't have children to consider, I would be long gone. Hugs to you. Believe me, when you have 'fixed' your current housekeeping issues, he will find something else to be angry about.

Feels awesome to have your partner come home and scold you like an errant child, all the while aggressively huffing, sighing, complaining and banging things around to express his displeasure...

He will simply find something else pertaining to you or what you do to moan about, he will keep on moving the goalposts. He is really the sort who would engineer an argument in an empty room.

Thanks, Attila. I feel my situation is a little too nuanced and not 'bad' enough for WA. There are women in danger of their lives and I don't want to clog up the busy phone lines with my story.

Thanks, everythingbackbutyou. I'm sorry you're in that situation. Thank you for your honesty and advice. It breaks my heart that you may be right.

I can't get over both of your precision. It's like you know him....he was banging things loudly, slamming doors etc. last night. He barged through the door where I watched TV. I really know that wasn't all about me. I know that now. There have been a variety of things he's gotten angry at me about all right, yet I always feel like it won't happen again when I'm in this position.

Do not EVER kid yourself this does not warrant a call to women’s aid. It certainly does!.

Would you be advising a friend to stay with a man like yours, no you would likely not.

If your parents did know the truth about your husband, what would they advise?

I do not know him personally but these abusive men operate to the same sort of script. This is not going to get any better for you going forward because this is really who he is. He gets what he wants out of this relationship now but you do not. In fact you cannot answer what it is that you do get out of this relationship now. So what does that also tell you?. This relationship is over really bar the separation which he will not make easy for you either but that does not mean you should not separate from him.

I know...the thing is I have a roof over my head now. I'm not financially dependent on him. I earn a modest income and I suppose the regularity keeps me here. When he's not here, I really enjoy being at home!...I know...not a good sign...

He's not a monster by any stretch. I feel sorry for him. He has long-held issues that he doesn't deal with and I've always been the 'helper girlfriend' to any guy I've been with. I see now that that hasn't served me too well.

I appreciate your insight but I'm struggling with where to go from here. I've moved around so much in my adult life that I just cannot imagine yet another house move and this time in with a stranger. Practically speaking, I just don't know how I'll make this break.

My parents would probably be very surprised indeed if they knew what H is like.