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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I want to win her heart

46 replies

RME72 · 06/04/2019 12:02

I need some female advice. I met a lady last weekend on a night out and we got on really great. At the end of the night we went our separate ways and both said we'd like to see each other again. I am really smitten with her. We chatted during the week on messenger, shared some.photos etc and it was great. We met yesterday for lunch and had a great time. She messaged me in the evening saying I'm a lovely guy and any woman would be lucky to be with me, but she doesn't think there's that spark, but would be a shame to not stay friends.. I get that. It's got me down as there's something special about her and I just somehow want to win her over. I've not messaged her since yesterday and thought I'd leave it over the weekend as well. I don't want to look like I'm pestering her because that's not me. Sometimes I feel a relationship can develop over time and the spark and love comes. We're both in our 40s and think she's really worth fighting for, but I don't want to come across as creepy or persistent and spoil what is there allready. That's not me. Please help me with some advice how I can win her over, I've got a lot to offer and don't want to walk away from this as there's something about her that makes.me think she's worth fighting for. Please help me ladies and you all have a nice weekend

OP posts:

YAmILikeDis · 06/04/2019 12:03

She’s said no.

Be told and back off.

Boilerbap · 06/04/2019 12:04

I would interpret that her being polite re friends. I would reply saying you understand and then no further contact. She's not that into you and in most cases you can't change that

nespressowoo · 06/04/2019 12:06

You can't force her to fall for you. She's entitled to think and feel what she wants. Back off.

Grisaille · 06/04/2019 12:08

But it doesn’t matter what you think. She’s said no. If you don’t accept that, you will be ‘pestering’ her.

GregoryPeckingDuck · 06/04/2019 12:08

If there was any chance for you she wouldn’t have said that. You can’t win people over. This isn’t a rapey 80s rom com, its real life. Sometimes the special people just won’t compronise.

sourdoh · 06/04/2019 12:34

If you have any respect for her whatsoever, you will listen and back off.

Why would you want to date someone that isn't in to you?

Hopoindown31 · 06/04/2019 12:58

Leave her alone please. Tell her you are looking for someone to have a romantic relationship and not friends and stop contact at that. It shows clear respect for both her and yourself.

KelvinHelmholtz · 06/04/2019 16:12

You are just romanticising that you met the 'one'. It's not reciprocated so why waste your energy.

Do something nice for yourself then get back out there.

ChippyPickledEggs · 06/04/2019 16:28

If that's not you then don't do it.

When women say there is no spark they are politely but clearly saying that they don't find you sexually attractive. Listen to her. Accept it. Be decent and move on. There are other women out there who will fancy you, but she doesn't. So leave her be.

Ella1980 · 06/04/2019 16:46

I went on a date about 2.5 years ago with a lovely man. Really kind but I just didn't fancy him. Also didn't want to get involved after a horrific divorce and then experiencing a few idiots whilst OLD.

He sent me a message at the end of the night saying he'd really like to see me again but got the impression I didn't fancy him. I was perfectly honest and said he was a really nice guy but didn't feel the spark was there. We agreed to be friends.

A few weeks' later after a few more texts were exchanged we met for coffee after work and literally didn't stop talking for three hours. He wasn't like any man I'd met before-not used to someone being genuine and kind. We both talked about our OLD experiences-some OK, some really bad! We made plans to do those date night things together-we'd go together for safety/company but meet other people over the course of the evening.

We carried on meeting other people for drinks and then catching up over coffee to share stories. Some dates were lovely but just not quite right. Some were just looking for the obvious. Some were seriously BORRRIIIIIIIING! We gave each other advice about what we thought etc.

We never did get around to going to those date nights together.

We're now engaged and getting married next June!!!!

GraceMarks · 06/04/2019 17:05

With respect, I think Ella1980 is quite unusual in changing her mind about someone she didn't initially fancy. It can happen, but I really don't think you should live your life hoping for it.

From a woman's point of view, I wouldn't think well of a man who didn't respect my "no", who saw my boundaries as something to be pushed back, and who thought my friendship was some sort of consolation prize. I know unrequited feelings are horrible, but persisting in the belief that she would love you if only she'd give you a chance won't usually end well.

Either accept her friendship with no expectation that it will ever be anything more, or call it a day.

Azzizam · 06/04/2019 18:06

Give it a month say and then move on. Maybe suggest another date after a couple of weeks as friends. See how that goes, then you'll know if there's any point hanging around for her.

Ella1980 · 06/04/2019 18:15

@GraceMarks Whilst I agree I also think that there is a temptation to base feelings too much on initial physical attraction. I was once guilty of this too.

My mum always says when she first met my dad she didn't really fancy him but over time she fell in love with him. She advised that sometimes "love may grow" if you give someone time to get to know them. Once you see the wonderful and caring man then that in itself becomes very attractive. I know it doesn't happen all of the time, but it definitely can.

Grisaille · 06/04/2019 18:46

A ‘wonderful and caring man’ would respect my decision not to date him again. Someone who thinks I mean ‘maybe’ when I say ‘no’ is the epitome of creepy and boundary-pushing.

JammyGem · 06/04/2019 18:50

@Ella1980 I understand what you mean - I didn't particularly fancy my now DH when we first met - the love grew over time. However, there is a big difference between what you've described and what the OP is planning.

@RME72 You cannot force someone to like you. If you continue to meet up with the hope that she'll eventually fall for you, then that isn't fair on her. If you continue to meet up because you enjoy her company, as @Ella1980 describes, but don't expect anything more, then it's just an added bonus if she starts to grow feelings for you.

Don't try to push a relationship. It won't end well and isn't fair on either of you.

PicsInRed · 06/04/2019 18:57

I don't want to look like I'm pestering her because that's not me.

It is you.
She said no, but - instead of taking it with good grace and moving forward - you're here and asking us for advice on how to pester her to best effect.

think she's really worth fighting for, but I don't want to come across as creepy or persistent and spoil what is there allready. That's not me.

It is you.
There's nothing to spoil. You have no relationship to "fight for". If you don't want to come across as creepy and persistent, you will need to not be creepy and persistent.

The woman said no. Leave her alone.

Ella1980 · 06/04/2019 19:31

@Grisaille Not sure my mum would agree-they've been married almost 43 years! I'm not saying pester the woman by any means, but he could just ask if it would be OK for them to keep messaging? She could akways say no. Again, I'm by no means saying this is always the case, but I initially pushed away because I'd had bad experiences and was terrified of being hurt again.

DoNotEatYellowSnow · 06/04/2019 19:47

I went on a date a few years ago and we got on really well but I didn't fancy him at all and told him the truth. He really wanted to see me again but I gave it the whole let's just be friends thing. We stayed in touch for a while and the more we messaged the more I realised how much I liked him and actually he was pretty hot! I actually really wanted to see him about two or three weeks later but I played it too cool and by the time I dropped a hint he'd been on another date with a woman who appreciated him straightaway. I was absolutely gutted because at the time I was very lonely. They are still together now and good for him!

A woman can change her mind... but if she wants to be just friends let her come to you and you never know what might happen. Don't push her though x

GraceMarks · 06/04/2019 20:09

I don't want to give the idea that these things never work out the way the OP would be hoping, but equally, for every woman who coyly says no when she could actually be persuaded with persistent attention, I would wager there are many more who would quickly go off even having a friendship with a guy if they thought he was only in it to get into her pants. To me, it betrays a certain sense of entitlement - this is what I want, so this is how it should be. Even using words like "win" is a bit icky, as if this woman is a prize at a fair that he can claim ownership of if he only throws enough hoops at her!

OP - you say you want to "fight" for her, but what is it that you'd actually be fighting against? Her reluctance?

Itsallpointless · 06/04/2019 23:50

I spent a number of years with a man I was never initially attracted to. I waited and I tried so hard to find him attractive (and I don’t mean just physically) but it never happened. I ended it many times, for him to pursue me and I’d go back.

It was never there, no chemistry and no spark.

I do actually believe in a ‘slow burn’ and that was what I was hoping for.

My relationship is over now, sadly, but it couldn’t go on any longer.

Deadsouls · 07/04/2019 00:22

I agree that the whole 'win her heart'', 'fighting' for her type language is cringy, (just my opinion).

It all sounds very intense on your part. What you may have experienced as something special, or something being there between the two of you, might be true for you. But not for her.

Obviously she didn't feel the same.

So you could either, cut your losses now. Let yourself feel dissapointed and sad for a bit, pick yourself up, move on, acknowledge that you feel sad, but don't get lost in it. After all, you survived without her all this time, and you will survive again.

If you really wanted to, you could as another poster suggested, leave it for a while. Then approach her again, see if she wanted to meet up again.

Be honest and say how you feel and what your hopes for. However! This will require you to be vulnerable AND you have to be prepared for the emotional consequences.

If she's still not interested, that's it.

finn1020 · 07/04/2019 00:26

She said no. No means no. Don’t bother her, it’s creepy.

JimJamTimTam · 07/04/2019 00:28

Your best chance is radio silence and moving on. Don’t let yourself compromise to be close to her, don’t be in touch. It’s win win. Either you move on (win) or she realises what she’s lost and chases you (win).

JimJamTimTam · 07/04/2019 00:30

I’ve been that girl twice. One time the guy hung around as my ‘friend’ and I went from thinking he was cool but no spark to thinking he was irritating. The other guy said that he was sorry but let’s not be in touch and that really gave me the wobbles.

TeaForTheWin · 07/04/2019 00:31

You've met her twice and she's told you she isn't into you that way and you want to 'win her heart' ...well that's creepy.

I mean all of it is creepy xD

She has told you there is no spark. I mean that is the clearest we can be in saying 'I'm not interested' politely. And the fact that she has said it that bluntly that soon...makes me think SHE has already felt you were coming on too strong too fast and got the creepy vibe from you.

A woman telling you there is no spark is the end. There is no 'winning' her over. And a forty year old man should really know this by now.

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