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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I want to win her heart

46 replies

RME72 · 06/04/2019 12:02

I need some female advice. I met a lady last weekend on a night out and we got on really great. At the end of the night we went our separate ways and both said we'd like to see each other again. I am really smitten with her. We chatted during the week on messenger, shared some.photos etc and it was great. We met yesterday for lunch and had a great time. She messaged me in the evening saying I'm a lovely guy and any woman would be lucky to be with me, but she doesn't think there's that spark, but would be a shame to not stay friends.. I get that. It's got me down as there's something special about her and I just somehow want to win her over. I've not messaged her since yesterday and thought I'd leave it over the weekend as well. I don't want to look like I'm pestering her because that's not me. Sometimes I feel a relationship can develop over time and the spark and love comes. We're both in our 40s and think she's really worth fighting for, but I don't want to come across as creepy or persistent and spoil what is there allready. That's not me. Please help me with some advice how I can win her over, I've got a lot to offer and don't want to walk away from this as there's something about her that makes.me think she's worth fighting for. Please help me ladies and you all have a nice weekend

OP posts:

BlueSaphire · 07/04/2019 00:31

She has been honest, she isn't interested in a romantic relationship with you. You have only met her twice, it's not as if you have invested time in the relationship, so it'll be easy to move on.
Better luck next time.

LellyMcKelly · 07/04/2019 00:34

Move on. Don’t waste your time.

pissedonatrain · 07/04/2019 03:50

Move on.

I doubt a woman who you aren't at all attracted to could pester you enough to "win" you over.

lemondaisies · 07/04/2019 04:01

I wasn't into my DP in a romantic way, but we had a great connection. We became great friends and then eventually fell for each other. 15 years after and 2DC now! It can happen, but I think you need to respect her friendship wishes, and if you can handle it, see her, if you can't or you'll be putting yourself on "hold", then cut contact.

RiversDisguise · 07/04/2019 08:57

'Win her heart'? Maybe she prefers a man who cheerfully admits he wants to kiss her knees and get into her knickers.

You don't sound like a bad lad but you seem to have got very keen very quickly end she is not interested. It is shit but there it is. Just delete her and move on.

Prettyvase · 07/04/2019 09:09

If you are prepared to do as she asks and be friends then be friends!

Obviously you are going to have to go the long haul where there may be no happy ever after in sight.

Women often like guys as friends who are kind, friendly, helpful and generous with no other agenda especially if they have been badly hurt in the past.

So if you get to be that person and keep your true feelings under wraps and carry on seeing others then you could possibly have her in your life as a friend.

It would be a long shot for it ever to become more than that but there are plenty of women who ended up being with the kind, fun, thoughtful, generous and all round lovely one after being in their social circle for many years before a spark hit that I know about.

In the meantime scrub up, get fit and keep your options open but if you find yourself obsessing back off for your own good.

Thatnovembernight · 07/04/2019 09:25

If I were you I would reply that for you there was a spark and explain how much you’d like to explore it further. I would then leave it completely alone. If she reconsiders then great. If not then you can prove you’re not actually a pest by leaving her alone!

velourvoyageur · 07/04/2019 10:34

OP, please assume that, while she is admittedly one of those women-type people, she has a mind just like yours, and as such can be trusted not to misapprehend and misreport her thoughts and feelings.

The phrase 'win someone over' is also generally not used when talking about something like sexual attraction. It's used to talk about e.g. winning someone over to your side in the discussion, or trying to prove you're nice instead of annoying. It doesn't mean 'create sexual attraction out of nowhere' because it's a phrase associated with persuasion, and you can't persuade someone into attraction as it's not something you justify in terms of rationality.
It makes me wonder if, subconsciously, you don't think her being attracted to you sexually/romantically is even very important to her(/women), and that all that matters is her recognising you're a good person - i.e. her opinion of you needs to be 'won over'? Actually all that could result from her being 'won over' is friendship, because it's not favourable opinion but solid attraction that forms the basis for consensual sexual relationships, for women as for men. Just a very odd phrase to use - if someone told me they didn't fancy me, I'd accept it, not go 'oh they just don't recognise the reasons why they should fancy me yet!'

Also, women act very differently around male friends compared to when around men who fancy them unrequitedly – in the latter case they are guarded and cut down on anything that could be misinterpreted as flirty, etc. You need to allow her to put those barriers up by being honest about your plan, it has to be a level playing field.

RhubarbTea · 07/04/2019 11:06

You used the phrase 'worth fighting for' TWICE. Boak! This isn't a fucking Richard Curtis film, just let the poor woman get on with her life, she clearly isn't attracted to you. Chalk it up to experience and move on.

AsleepAllDay · 07/04/2019 11:07

When someone says there's no 'spark,' my heart drops but I know there's nothing I can do. They've thought about it & made their mind up

Please respect her boundaries. Please don't chase her or try to 'prove' yourself to her. Give her space.

And don't beat yourself up about why you're not 'good enough' or 'if only' you had done or said something different. I promise it wouldn't have changed things

Take heart from this & move on. There will be another lady who feels the 'spark' and even though that may feel a hundred years away, that will be so much better than this

AsleepAllDay · 07/04/2019 11:13

Also, it may be a romantic idea in your head to 'fight' for her but that really only applies where there was a relationship that may be ending or going south for whatever reason

I don't believe it applies here. If you keep texting and wanting to meet in the hope that she'll change her mind, she'll probably just get creeped out & sour on you more

A woman can spot a desperate man just as a man can clock a desperate woman. She may be lovely and fun and pretty but is she that great? Really? Is she better than you?

It may be time to step back & work on your self esteem.

BlueHairDoCare · 07/04/2019 11:17

She doesn't like you.

Bow out gracefully before you get a reputation for being pushy and disrespectful.

Dvg · 07/04/2019 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IvanaPee · 07/04/2019 11:20

Ew.

You sound like you read tips on dating from Edward Fucking Cullen.

Who talks like that in real life?! It’s so creepy!

This is a perfect example of toxic masculinity. She said no. Male brain does not compute. But you want very much to be perceived as a “nice guy” so you try to sound like the hero from a dodgy romance novel.

But here’s the thing: nice, decent guys - the real ones I mean - listen to what’s been said. And she said no.

If you want to stay bring her friend then BE her friend. Not the guy who pretends to be her friend until she’ll shag him.

IvanaPee · 07/04/2019 11:23

I didn't fancy my husband when we met, i just felt we were friends, now we are married with 2 kids and are still completely in love so i guess there is hope

With all due respect, that’s nice for you and your dh. But it’s not really on to encourage a strange man on the Internet who speaks so intensely about a woman he’s just met, who has quite clearly told him NO, to pursue something.

If something develops organically over time that’s fine. But stories of hope just equate to “ignore her request and keep going anyway because that’s what you want and it worked in my case.”

Slowknitter · 07/04/2019 11:26

You can't 'win her heart'. If she doesn't fancy you, she doesn't fancy you. Back off and leave her alone.

sandi2019 · 07/04/2019 11:33

As awful as this is to hear....
She doesn't want to date you.
She doesn't fancy you.
She is now looking for other men who she feels are more compatible.
Please just accept this.
This all sounds a bit creepy to me......you've only known her a few days....it reminds me of the start of a thriller/stalker movie.

She said NO and means it I'm afraid OP. No reflection on you...another woman will be delighted to be in your company I'm sure.

Sn0tnose · 07/04/2019 12:13

She might be the perfect woman for you, but she's made it perfect!y clear that you are not the perfect man for her. So actually behave like the decent person you believe yourself to be and listen to what she's telling you.

Worrynot1 · 08/04/2019 14:15

Friends Zone walk away.....

hellsbellsmelons · 08/04/2019 14:31

She doesn't want to know OP.
Sorry but that's how it is sometimes.
Just back off and don't contact her again.
If she is suddenly interested again, then she will contact you.
Leave it and move on.
Go on some dates, enjoy yourself.

Pinkmonkeybird · 08/04/2019 14:40

No means no, I'd leave her alone now. Please.

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