Mil help

[anamechangeaday]

Not really.

But my partner stalks me on here so I'm trying to circumvent them finding me

I am 52 .
We have been together 7 years.

Not married. I thought that was ok .

They have always treated me with disdain/contempt.
Many examples of unreasonable behaviour which I try to forget and get past.
These include extreme cruelty /spite at times but with no comprehension that their actions are cruel or abusive and the tables are always turned to make it my fault .
No details as identifying except to say extreme cruelty. As I had a late miscarriage they accused me of blackmail because they wanted to go to work and I wanted them with me. No comprehension of my pain or what I went through. My fault because I pressured them to support me and it didn't fit their timetable. They wanted to be there for some stuff but not others. They labelled My demands on this as emotional blackmail.

After a row they asked their ex partner to accompany them on holiday. I was to move out while they went. Obviously didn't happen . Made up. Went on the hol. (Paid for by me but on their credit card)

Following another row they altered their will. The house we "share" is in partners name not mine. I pay each month but they use that money for holidays so in effect they see it as i do not contribute to the mortgage. I do also pay half bills on top of that . It's a third of my (professional) wage. After an argument I threatened to move out and said this privately to a friend via text. Partner screen shot my conversations with said friend and decided it was proof enough that they were justified in altering their will to cut me out and leave our house - that I pay for and buy things for and decorate and furnish - to their ex partner.

In the event of my partner dying I would have discovered they had left our house to an ex and I'd have been made homeless at that point.
But this is ok! They did leave me an insurance policy (which would not have bought me so much as a bedsit)
I've left my insurance to partner and a % to my children.

I own a house with ex husband but I've signed it over to ex and kids. (Adults all)
If I died tomorrow partners life wouldn't alter other than me not being there.
If they died tomorrow I'd be homeless. So all I asked was they made provision for me to remain in our home given we aren't married and aren't ever likely to be. They said they had . They lied.

I cannot get beyond this act of absolute cruelty and spite .
They have told me they did it for revenge because they didn't like
Me talking about them with my friend (and they screenshot the conversation from my fb messenger). My friend doesn't speak highly of partner it's true - but that's down to how partner treats me though they will not take any responsibility for that. It is all my fault and if I call them on their abusive behaviour they get angry and deflect.

They use my friendship against me to the point I've had to end it and tell
Friend not to contact me anymore because partner always finds out and it makes my life a misery.

I now have no friends left but partner says that is my own fault.

All I wanted was them to fight for this relationship and be sorry.

They said the words to start with but then when I said I was struggling to get past this latest they got angry and now its all my fault again. No love shown or caring or genuine remorse-! Just a well you deserved it attitude.

I'm beginning to realise that there is no partnership here and no love lost . Trust is gone . Both sides . They say they cannot ever open up to me for fear I share (another reason I'm stalked online and proof they cannot trust me ) and I can't comprehend such an act of cruelty and spite enough to ever trust them again.

Believe it or not this was someone I was desperate to marry and be with because at one point I was absolutely in love with them. I never thought about whose money was whose. I wanted to share my life and everything else.

Now I'm lost . I've no sense of right or wrong anymore because everything is always my fault and it's my actions that cause the consequences. If they find this thread there will be new consequences. I betray them by talking. But if I don't examine this I'm going to make myself ill. I am in desperate need of perspective. Is it me?? Am I in the wrong? That I confided in a friend meant the end of that friendship. Partner couldn't handle me maintaining contact. It seems I'm supposed to keep quiet about all of this or it betrays their trust. I feel utterly trapped and muted. I can't tell anyone anything.

You can tell Womens Aid - your local office here .

They are the experts and will help you.

Your partner is extremely abusive - I'm sorry I couldn't read it all, it was unbearable to read. You need professional support to get out.

Read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. You will recognise your partner there.

Do the Freedom Programme as soon as you can. It's better to go along to a group but you can do it online if you can't get to a group because he is controlling you.

Do you know how to cover your tracks online?

Tell your GP what is happening so it is documented.

Many many of us have left relationships that were extremely abusive. You can too.

Don’t forget that there is a safe space on here......HQ can always shift this thread over......

You need to leave this abusive shit

I second calling Women's Aid! Even if you aren't quite ready to actually leave just yet, they will advise and support you to get organised and ready.
Keep posting here too - we are all "just internet strangers" but many of us have been through similar and we can have your back and offer support and hand hold to help you get things sorted out.
You CAN leave him and start again - it is so very hard, but you can do it, and things will get better for you. Living in misery is no good, you deserve to be happy and free to live your own life!

Just leave. If you’ve got a professional wage coming in then you can start again. You’ve got no rights to the house so there’s nothing to lose there. I get the sense that you feel you should fight for the relationship or at least get a satisfactory conclusion but I don’t think you’ll get one. You’d be better off accepting there’s nothing to salvage and getting on with a fresh, new start without this horrible man.

Please call women’s aid. This man is abusing you. You will be so much better off away from him. There is plenty of time to meet someone else - you have a job and you will be able to rebuild your life. You deserve so much better. Please be safe

To leave I would need to save 6 mo this rent as I have no credit rating. (When I left ex husband I took all the debt and got into difficulties paying so ended up with an iva so now I can't pass credit checks I have no savings at minute because I had been doing this house up and I pay for all our holidays (not excessive but a couple a year)

I have for my own benefit a recording of his last outburst in which he called me a bitch and shouted and swore at me, called me fat and told me to fuck off. He had barricaded the door so I could only try and talk to
Him through a door but he had lost it by then and was t listening to me anyway.

I'd ask him to help me do something. He reacted badly saying I should have helped myself but it was totally unreasonable. I had a job interview (which I got no thanks to him) and at last minute I found out everything is revised was wrong because they changed the competency framework and I'd asked him to help me brainstorm. He went bonkers. I'd had 2 glasses of wine and he hates me drinking so I got a tirade of abuse . I should have been revising instead of drinking. He went from 0 - 60 in a second and I slept in spare room. I often sleep in spare room . He seems to like me one minute and hate me the next. He never says sorry . I'm just expected to forget and forgive.

He talks about his mother with the same contempt but not his ex. (Although she was only a few years younger than his mum.
Funnily enough I get on really well with his mum who I think is warm lovely and funny. He thinks she's thick.

I notice as soon as his tone changes with her she backs down and says "yes of course you're right " and I'm finding myself so this more and more lately. There is no arguing with him. He is omnipotent and always right no matter what.

I have told him I am putting no more money into the house (as in furnishings and decorating) because I'm so insecure.

He says he's changed his willl back but I'm not sure how he's done that is even valid. But I'm wasting my breath. He told the solicitor to destroy his will and typed up a new one himself. It's witnessed but it's a dog eared bit of paper in an envelope in the kitchen.

He begrudged spending the £120 it cost to change it back (he pod that to cut me out though)

I will ring women's aid I think.

Thank you all for the advice.

I'll try women's aid when he's out of the way

I've become so silenced I've no barometer to measure what this is anymore.

Honestly you just need to get out of this situation. It's not worth the torment.

Wills are meaningless - he could do a will one day showing he's left everything to you and the next day do another one in secret that leaves everything to his ex. You'd only find out if he died.

Get out and make a good life for yourself, even if you start in a bedsit it's got to be better than living through this day to day. Good luck OP.

I don't know why starting again now scares me so much.

I did it in my early 40"S and I was fine but now the thought of renting a pokey flat scares me.

Another complication is I have a dog who I really love and it is nigh on impossible to rent with a pet. (Dog is a giant breed so no hiding him) I found this out because I went to view some houses in the summer. All said no to pets and all wanted 6 months rent up from because of my credit history.

At times I feel very trapped. I think he does too if I'm honest but it's convenient for him because my money comes in handy. He wouldn't get holidays without my cash and he was quite happy to let me buy carpets and blinds etc.
This month I'm watching him buy all sorts of crap while I'm counting the days till payday. I'm not buying anything else for the house that isn't mine anymore. I only did it because he doesn't (it needs a bit of work) and I thought of it as my home . That's been taken from me now. I've been clearly shown that I cannot get comfortable.

Tomorrow I'm ordering the Lundy Bancroft book too.

Thank you 🙏

Women's Aid will guide and support you. They are experts and know the ropes eg they support women who leave with only the clothes on their backs, so they'll be able to support you.

Also contact Rights of Women to get legal advice. Both Women's Aid and Rights of Women will give you legal advice.

Have you enrolled in the Freedom Programme? Please do so at your very earliest. It will change your life.

You need support to stop engaging with him eg why were you still talking to him through a closed door? Women's Aid, Freedom Programme and Lundy book will all help you do that.

Ps do NOT tell him what you're doing.

Don't tell him about the book, the course, women's aid, what we're saying here. NOT A WORD.

Act like everything's the same while you get yourself sorted out.

Thank you. I wouldn't dream of telling him . If he found this thread my life would be hell. I lost this as my safe space when he found me on here so no way would I divulge any information. Name changes and red herrings and I won't be using desk top either.

I will be taking the advice though thank you x

Re engaging....
he's acting as if nothing has happened today. Yes I need to learn to switch off and ignore.

Talking doesn't make any difference anyway.

Having signed your marital home over to your ex, are you amicable enough that he might let you stay there for a few months to find your feet, look for a suitable rental and save a bit of money (even if you contribute to bills it sounds like it would be less than you currently pay)

He probably would but dd still lives there and I fear messing with her head....she loves us both and it ifjr give her false hope that ex dh and I would get back together. I love ex dh - he is the best friend I ever had. But a marriage it wasn't.

This is one of the saddest threads I’ve ever read on here. And I spend lots of time on mn. Please leave. You’re worth so much more.

Your dd would want you to be safe. I think that could be a great solution for you and the dog and your safety. Please be careful. This thread makes me so worried for you.

Dd doesn't really know the full extent of what's happening and I can't really tell her.

She knows that we don't get on very well but she also knows I've been to see houses etc and then not followed through leaving so I think she just thinks "here we go again" if I mention anything.
Financially if I left to live alone I'd be on the bones of my arse , and that worries me too.

I've taken steps to leave before but then always get cold feet. Partner also makes me feel awful if he thinks I'm going , he never tried to stop me but he would need to keep my dog and he asked before if he could keep in touch so I knew the dog was ok. (He commutes to work by cycle and he was worried if anything happened to him the dog would be alone etc) .

I do get to a point that I think I'm ready to go then I just feel awful and back down. It's not that I even think partner would be that bothered so I don't know why.

If I were to even ask ex dh about staying there I would need to be very certain that this relationship is over and I just can't seem to make that final step. It all feels so .....final!? And of course partner isn't horrible all the time. There are good times.

We also have a holiday booked and paid for - now I did look at cancelling this a couple of days ago but I would lose £1200.

I should do what he did last year and just ask ex dh if he wants to go instead. Or dd. She would go.

I don't know why I'm dithering. When my marriage ended the thought of living alone was exciting but I was more fearless back then. Now the future worries me .

Honestly a future where you are safe and treated with respect even if you have very little financially will be so much betree. You are stronger than you think

It's coming, just feel so worn down and tired.

Another lost friend once told me he only wins when I lose. And it's true. Everything I achieve is put down or at best ignored but if I make a mistake (in his eyes) he dines out on it .

Nothing I do or am is good enough. It's just very hard to see a way out at the moment but I know I keep making these excuses. And he will never want me. I think he used to be quite embarrassed by me. He certainly said that when I was off sick after the loss of the baby. I was embarrassing him at work because he doesn't believe in being off sick and said there was nothing wrong with me . (We worked in same place)
It's awful really isn't it? When I write it down I see it.

Your self esteem is clearly very low and you don’t seem to be able to think straight.

Is he making you feel happy? Does he make you feel valued? Do you think it’s a coincidence that you feel unsure about the security of your home? Would you be better off elsewhere, even if is a smaller flat / apartment?

Ultimately these are decisions for you but for what’s urs worth it seems that your not so dear partner doesn’t deserve to have you in his life, he doesn’t value you and doesn’t make you happy.

Be brave and take a step - for you. Life is short and you deserve better.

I'm in a catch 22 with regards security because all I could do now is rent (due to my age and credit score a mortgage would be out of the question. ) And I worry about how to pay rent after retirement. It's all a bit of a mess really.

He doesn't make me feel valued no, and is more often angry with me over something than not.

I am on eggshells a lot trying to mind what comes out of my mouth.

I think that is one reason he doesn't like it when I have a drink because I get a bit braver and say more what I think.

I told him the other day that he was controlling but he says the only thing he controls is what I know - he tells me nothing now for fear I will speak about him with another human being.

We tried counselling but he found out I'd confided this to the ex friend so he refused to go to any more sessions because to him it should have remained secret.

It's now pointless trying to speak to him about how he feels or what he thinks because he won't tell me.

I think maybe it would be easier to ask ex dh about living there when dd moves out but I also worry that it would be unfair to him to even ask. He hasn't moved on or got a new partner as far as I know so it wouldn't complicate any relationship he has. That may change .

I have left myself in the most stupidly vulnerable situation and it's my own fault.

I have changed my pass code on my phone now because I think he must have been looking at my phone to find out if told my friend about the counselling. I also never leave my phone lying around.

Trust has completely gone and I don't think that will be mended. These things never would have entered my head with ex dh. It was just a normal relationship, we were a real team. But we had become like best friends living in the same house. Sex had always been an issue and I don't think we thought of each other in that kind of way so it was awkward and he had always had issues with it - we'd had sex therapy in the past) I wanted a sex life and felt that in my early 40s I was too young to forget any kind of sex life. But it was better than this in all honesty. We got along and had a laugh and we were kind to each other . Hindsight is a wonderful thing.