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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Crush on school dad

63 replies

ThisIsASecret101 · 05/04/2019 19:52

I've been married 10 years. 2 DC. Had a rough patch the last 8 months including marriage counselling. It worked for a bit but we've fallen back into bad habits.

Lately I've been chatting to a dad at the school gate and I've got a bit of a crush on him. He's married with 2 DC too. Obviously I'm not going to do anything about it but it's clearly symptomatic of something that's not right. I'd like the clear thinking of MN to talk me through it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisIsASecret101 · 06/04/2019 09:39

Examples I've seen myself include her youngest DC wreaking havoc at a birthday party and her sitting in the corner on her phone ignoring DC = lazy parenting in my book. At other parties I haven't been at other parents have mentioned the same hence she's known for it / notorious. I've stood next to her at an event and watched her ignore her DCs poor behaviour till I had to step in to stop DC poking my DC in the face with a sharp thing.

Her style of parenting may be to ignore bad behaviour but it gets so bad other parents have to step in to keep their DC safe.

I agree that it's easier to justify it because I don't like the way she parents. In that respect I see that I come across badly. It would be messy yes.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/04/2019 11:40

OP, why are you still trying to convince yourself that this is even a viable proposition? You have a crush. Most of us have them even if we're married. Get over it.

I agree with FineWords, you just wan to talk about this non-thing. You're the one with the crush, nothing suggests that he has one for you. I'd concede though that he's looking for a little fillip to his days though and you're silly enough to think that this means something. It doesn't. If it weren't you bolstering his ego it would be (and actually could be) any other woman/women.

You don't sound very nice from your posts actually, just blunt and self-obsessed. Perhaps you're not like that in real life but you sound like you just want to indulge this harmful nonsense. Just stop it now before you really do blast your own life apart. He will be well out of the way, don't worry about him, he'll protect his own. You will be left.

Myheartbelongsto · 06/04/2019 18:02

Tell the wife you fancy him.....that'll stop it dead.

ChippyPickledEggs · 06/04/2019 18:42

So what if you or others don't approve of the way she parents? What has that got to do with anything?

It's not as though this guy has disclosed feelings or is showing any obvious signs of interest. There is no dilemma here is there? No choice to be made?

SleepingSloth · 06/04/2019 20:09

So if a mum appears lazy to you, that gives you the right to go after her husband? Good to know. Hmm

Original poster
ThisIsASecret101 · 06/04/2019 20:20

Tell the wife you fancy him.....that'll stop it dead Very true!

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 06/04/2019 20:45

You act as if he's desperate to have an affair with you. For all you know he could just be tolerating your chat.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 07/04/2019 12:06

You are already bad mouthing the wife. Which shows maybe you would be inclined to have an affair.
How do you know she is lazy? Best find someone else to get friendly with.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/04/2019 13:55

OP, if you've posted on MN about your previous crush before and had 'helpful advice', why has it not worked? What other advice do you think is going to be different to that you've already had?

Original poster
ThisIsASecret101 · 07/04/2019 16:30

Not about this crush. A different one in different circumstances a long time ago.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/04/2019 16:37

But a crush is a crush, isn't it? Getting over those is a routine thing, a process that really doesn't vary, surely? You acknowledge, laugh to yourself/have a ten minute daydream, give yourself a shake and tell yourself that their shit smells just like anybody else's... and then you let it wither away.

The reason why you're getting a more frosty response here isn't because of the crush (anybody can have those, over the most ridiculous people) but what you're saying about his wife. It's as if you're wanting posters to agree with you that yes, she's a slattern and deserves all she gets. It's NOT going to happen.

Don't moon about, you'll be spotted and ridiculed - and that's if it goes well. The B-side is that you could seriously wreck your own life.

poglets · 07/04/2019 17:08

Your eyes have been wandering for some time. Why do you stay with your husband?

shitpark · 07/04/2019 20:57

I think you've already started an affair, and this is what school dad tells you about his wife, and how you justify it to yourself. Soon enough you will post about how awful your dh is, how he abuses you psychologically. Bored already

Original poster
ThisIsASecret101 · 07/04/2019 21:33

Your eyes have been wandering for some time. Why do you stay with your husband?

Thank you. That's the kind of questioning perspective I hoped to get from my post.

I'm not being particularly chatty on this thread but the thoughts it's provoking are making me think.

And no there is no affair. There is a crush I'm working out how to talk myself out of.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisIsASecret101 · 07/04/2019 21:38

People are fixated on his wife being lazy far more than I am. I'm not attracted to him because his wife is lazy! It's not an excuse to move in on him but if people in my town were to describe her that would be in their top 3 adjectives. It's neither here nor there in the scheme of things. Other posts excluding reference to this are the most helpful.

OP posts:
WafflingDreamer · 07/04/2019 21:43

Having a crush on someone isnt a big deal. Trying to justify having an affair because you think you are a better mother than his wife is a problem that you need to work on.

AsleepAllDay · 07/04/2019 21:52

I've been a 'lazy' partner sometimes (depression, low self esteem etc), that would never justify me being cheated on...

Crunchymum · 07/04/2019 22:26

"obviously I'm not going to do anything about it"

Sorry OP but how arrogant are you??????

You assume this is reciprocated? Why?

MollysLips · 07/04/2019 22:59

Don't do it, OP.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/04/2019 23:04

You're being disingenuous now, OP. If it's 'neither here nor there in the scheme of things', why mention it at all? Why is his wife even relevant to your thread if she's of such little consequence?

The way you're posting is very strange. Your username is an odd choice too, provocative... and all you do is pop onto your thread now and again to critique posters who aren't quite 'hitting the spot' in your opinion.

Why not just be honest about your motivations and what the situation actually is? You might then get some useful help.

Redcliff · 07/04/2019 23:10

Can I ask how old you are?

Drogosnextwife · 07/04/2019 23:18

Her parenting style has nothing to do with how "lazy" she is. I have no idea why you felt it necessary to add in how lazy this mans wife is, is it to try and justify your crush on him? If so why do you feel the need to justify it if you would never do anything about it?
Also how do you know he thinks about you in the same way? Even if you did act on it he may knock you back.

GregoryPeckingDuck · 07/04/2019 23:23

It’s just a crush though. You wouldn’t actually have an affair so why are you thinking about him? Might it be because it’s more pleasant than thinking about your DH. Sometimes people in relationships indulge these kinds of thoughts because it helps them distract themselves from the problems in their relationship.

GregoryPeckingDuck · 07/04/2019 23:24

@crunchmum she probably meant she wasn’t going to embarrass herself by confessing. Or trying to get closer to him outside of school etc.

IvanaPee · 07/04/2019 23:25

It’s a bit pathetic crushing on a man who pays you a few minutes’ worth of attention.

Why is that, do you think?

Their marriage is their business. You don’t know why they are the way they are. Maybe he’s happy “doing everything”. Maybe there’s a deeper reason. Maybe she’s the worst wife ever (though you’re the one fantasizing about a married man).

None of this changes the fact that your eye is wandering and you’re clearly craving attention outside your marriage. If you’re that unhappy, leave.