Getting sex back in marriage

[Haypanky]

Hi, well I feel pretty pathetic starting this thread, but could really use the advice. Dh and I both mid/late 30s, been together more than 10yrs, married for 6. We have 2 kids aged nearly 2 and 4.5.

Since our youngest was conceived, we've had sex once. If I'm honest since dd1 we didn't have much sex. To be very frank, I don't massively fancy dh anymore. But I don't really fancy anyone much ever, I'm just not hugely that way inclined. But I don't want to go through life without sex. So my question is, how do we get some sex back? I don't want to go through life having no sex. Once a week or so would be grand.

If I was pressed for a reason why we've ended up like this, I'd include the following. Things have gotten worse since ds was born, dh became borderline depressed and was in my view rough with newborn ds. He went to the doc and got help, did a cbt course. Despite doing the right thing, I feel like I lost a lot of respect. We had a rough year. I actively chose to fill my life elsewhere, I have work, days home with the kids, I've got a good social circle, hobbies, I exercise. Dh doesn't have anything other than work and home. He has no get up and go. He will say this himself. I've said to him last night that I find this unappealing.

Kisses and cuddles have now gone, neither of us initiate anything really, and I would feel standoffish about any approach. To be brutal, it almost feels inappropriate to me. I would say dh is more like a brother.

So in this situation we could either try to have more fun together, dates, fun family days etc, and hope the spark comes back. Or we could schedule sex in and just do it anyway and hope it becomes normal again and not inappropriate seeming.

Has anyone got any advice 😔

This had paragraphs when I wrote it 😕

You sound a bit like me except I let mine get to 7 years. And now we’re looking at separating because I’ve had enough. A relationship without any kind of affection will erode you I’m afraid. Good luck with whatever you decide.

The problem might be he knows you don't fancy him anymore. Together with his depression he perhaps has zero confidence. He's only human.

If you start with the smaller things and get used to just touching one another again it might be easier. Going from zero to having sex again would be fine if it's good sex, but if it's awkward or unfulfilling it could potentially make things worse. And it's liable to be awkward as it's been so long.

I'm glad he's gotten help for his mental health issues. I know from experience how hard living with someone who's depressed can be, but saying things like he or his behavior is unappealing will not encourage him to get out and do things. In fact, it may make him feel more reluctant. He may think "if she doesn't want to be around me, why would anyone else?"
Both of you deserve love and kindness, as well as a healthy sex life. The intimacy and closeness helps heal a lot of problems in a relationship. I hope you find it again. 💜

I didn't actually use the word unappealing to his face, we talked about him being to be happier and I said it drives me a bit mad that he doesn't do anything for himself. I'm sure that his confidence is shot and he knows I don't fancy him. But I don't know what to do about it, because unfortunately it's true.

Thank you for the replies!

Look up Esther Perel and her TED talk on The Secret to Desire in Long Term Relationships. Also her podcast, Where Do We Begin.

You need to show him he is loved and wanted. He can just switch his feelings, and sex drive, on and off when you feel you need sex.

Do you not find him physically attractive, or do you not like his personality anymore?

*can't

@happynow thank you I will find those

If you don't fancy him you don't fancy him.
Its not your fault and yes apathetic individuals are deeply unappealing.
I get the feeling of dread over even a simple touch... I had this for years.
You will get a lot of posts telling you to do date night and start cuddles again and be nice and build up his confidence etc etc.
I will go out on a limb and say... You know when you are not going to find that spark.
I loathed being told to try to re ignite the spark... I didnt want the flecking spark back thanks.
I also had carried burden of parenting while my dexh faffed about being a bit helpless and learned incompetence. I lost respect and desire and never ever got it back. And the more I filled my life the further I got from wanting it back.
Sorry op might not be what you want to hear

@holly873 true, but it's a two way street and I can't just turn it on either. I find your other question quite difficult to answer. He's a nice person and we're very compatible on lots of ways. But I guess I'm finding him a bit nothingy. Poor bloke.

@theredjellybean this is what I fear. But I don't want to not try.

Hmm.

I would say just schedule it in and start doing it. Be honest with him. Tell him you feel a bit rusty but want to get that part of the relationship back cos you miss being close to him. Be open and say you’re a bit nervous and feel a bit weird cos it’s been a while but you reckon the most important thing is to just get naked together and do it, break the seal so to speak and then carry on from there. He’ll continue to feel like a brother while you’re acting like he is one. Don’t wait for a perfect time where you both feel desire spontaneously, if it was gonna happen it would have by now.

But from your recent post it seems a much deeper issue, you’ve lost attraction for him because he doesn’t seem to do anything for or invest in himself. That’s hard to fix, cos you can’t make him start to act in that way. Maybe after a few months of regular sex you’ll find out the sex isn’t the issue and you’re no longer in love but at least you’ll know you tried and that it wasn’t sex that was the issue, the lack of it was a symptom.

Would you want to stay with him for the rest of your life if things were always this way?

I wouldn’t be able to be happy with someone who had no life other than work and home. I’m very much someone who values and invests in hobbies and friendships as well as my demanding career and my relationship. It’s very unattractive being with someone who has nothing about them, no stories to share or adventures to take you on. Like being elderly before your time. I don’t think you’re alone in finding it unappealing.

Was he always a bit nothingy?

Thanks @stacktherocks your first paragraph is what I've been wondering. When I met him I liked that he had a good friendship circle, was social and played sport. Its gradually all just stopped, with reasons like he broke his leg badly, and has an underactive thyroid. But no reasons for not starting up again now. Dh doesn't like the situation either but seems like he'd need several rockets up the bum to actually do anything about it. It's been going on 2+yrs with no action.

Well, people tend to do what works for them. Whatever they say about it. If this wasn’t working for him or benefitting him in any way he’d be making changes. It’s pretty simple in a way, most humans can’t sustain living in a way that makes them miserable for very long before doing something different.

So I wouldn’t necessarily believe when he says he doesn’t like it!

@happynow, I watched that talk, thank you. While some of it rang true and a lot of it made sense, could have done with more self help tips at the end 😂

I could have written this quite a few years ago, down to his life only being family and work. I kept on thinking I'd chosen this so I'll have to put up with it.

It never got better. I got more bored and resentful at our life but had no go in me to change anything as I was sick of being the person to facilitate everything. There was no way I was going to have sex with someone I didn't fancy. We are now divorcing. Not his choice. He would have carried on forever like it.

Does he have time and/or permission to do other stuff outside the house?

I only say that as someone who works F/T, with limited scope other than DC to do stuff on my own.

After all, some people are away doing 'hobbies' all the time and accused of checking out of 'family' time.

@topcat yes I would support him to take up a hobby etc. And have time out of the house. He's gone to watch the footie this afternoon, yey!! Currently mulling over 'sexy Saturday' later but not sure yet ha ha ha

Sorry to say I could have written your post 18mths ago. We'd been together almost 13years, married for nearly 3 of those. We grew apart, I didn't find him attractive, I guess I fell out of love in the end.

Leaving was hardest decision I've ever had to make but I still had a lot of life to live and the thought of staying made me want to cry.

We had tried to improve things, the usual date days, quality couple time, trying different things in the bedroom. Nothing really stuck.

18mths on we're both in new relationships and much happier. It was hard on everyone initially especially our 2 DSs. And there have been some cross words since I left.

I guess I just wanted you to know you're not alone. Hope you manage to make a decision that makes you happy xx

This is a few years on, @Haypanky did anything progress with this?

Oh crikey - 7 years, and probably as many usernames later... Well we don't have any sex, no! My effort on the physical front wasn't really there. But neither was H's. But I think we are happier in many other ways, H does more hobbies himself, has a new job that he's happier in, and we have more friends that we do things with as families. Socially we feel a bit more even to each other. Life feels more fulsome overall. I would say its a platonic marriage but personally I don't wish to leave. Of course we're busy with kids things right now, so who can say if we'll be content with our lot when we have teenagers who can get about by themselves and then later when they fly the nest. I think at that stage we either realise we are best parting, or we grow back together. Or perhaps we'll decide a life grown together is 'enough', still, and be content.

Absolutely agree with this. If he wanted to have sex with you, he would be putting massive effort into that. Trying to get fit, offering massages etc. It sounds like it's gone stale. Perhaps try sex therapy.