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Original poster

Getting sex back in marriage

30 replies

Haypanky · 05/04/2019 07:59

Hi, well I feel pretty pathetic starting this thread, but could really use the advice. Dh and I both mid/late 30s, been together more than 10yrs, married for 6. We have 2 kids aged nearly 2 and 4.5.

Since our youngest was conceived, we've had sex once. If I'm honest since dd1 we didn't have much sex. To be very frank, I don't massively fancy dh anymore. But I don't really fancy anyone much ever, I'm just not hugely that way inclined. But I don't want to go through life without sex. So my question is, how do we get some sex back? I don't want to go through life having no sex. Once a week or so would be grand.

If I was pressed for a reason why we've ended up like this, I'd include the following. Things have gotten worse since ds was born, dh became borderline depressed and was in my view rough with newborn ds. He went to the doc and got help, did a cbt course. Despite doing the right thing, I feel like I lost a lot of respect. We had a rough year. I actively chose to fill my life elsewhere, I have work, days home with the kids, I've got a good social circle, hobbies, I exercise. Dh doesn't have anything other than work and home. He has no get up and go. He will say this himself. I've said to him last night that I find this unappealing.

Kisses and cuddles have now gone, neither of us initiate anything really, and I would feel standoffish about any approach. To be brutal, it almost feels inappropriate to me. I would say dh is more like a brother.

So in this situation we could either try to have more fun together, dates, fun family days etc, and hope the spark comes back. Or we could schedule sex in and just do it anyway and hope it becomes normal again and not inappropriate seeming.

Has anyone got any advice 😔

OP posts:
LoveLifeBeHappy · 03/02/2026 11:53

Haypanky · 03/02/2026 11:36

Oh crikey - 7 years, and probably as many usernames later... Well we don't have any sex, no! My effort on the physical front wasn't really there. But neither was H's. But I think we are happier in many other ways, H does more hobbies himself, has a new job that he's happier in, and we have more friends that we do things with as families. Socially we feel a bit more even to each other. Life feels more fulsome overall. I would say its a platonic marriage but personally I don't wish to leave. Of course we're busy with kids things right now, so who can say if we'll be content with our lot when we have teenagers who can get about by themselves and then later when they fly the nest. I think at that stage we either realise we are best parting, or we grow back together. Or perhaps we'll decide a life grown together is 'enough', still, and be content.

Edited

Thank you so much for replying. I’m in a similar situation and came across your post. It’s really lovely to hear that your husband has changed his life and made some positive improvements. It’s encouraging to hear that things feel more fulfilling now.

You mentioned that you never want to leave, have you started feeling attracted to your partner again?

Also, have you had no sex at all since that last post? I know you mentioned “we don’t have any sex,” but I was just wondering whether there had even been a one-off at any point.

Once again, thank you for replying.

Original poster
Haypanky · 03/02/2026 11:55

No, at no point. Sorry you're in a similar situation. I guess you need to decide how important it is to you? For me the answer to that was, not all that important, or certainly that other things are more important to me. I didn't expect to be in this situation in life, but sometimes think I'm more bothered on paper than in actual fact. It sounds worse than I actually find it.

OP posts:
ImperialGoddess · 03/02/2026 13:28

Haypanky · 05/04/2019 07:59

Hi, well I feel pretty pathetic starting this thread, but could really use the advice. Dh and I both mid/late 30s, been together more than 10yrs, married for 6. We have 2 kids aged nearly 2 and 4.5.

Since our youngest was conceived, we've had sex once. If I'm honest since dd1 we didn't have much sex. To be very frank, I don't massively fancy dh anymore. But I don't really fancy anyone much ever, I'm just not hugely that way inclined. But I don't want to go through life without sex. So my question is, how do we get some sex back? I don't want to go through life having no sex. Once a week or so would be grand.

If I was pressed for a reason why we've ended up like this, I'd include the following. Things have gotten worse since ds was born, dh became borderline depressed and was in my view rough with newborn ds. He went to the doc and got help, did a cbt course. Despite doing the right thing, I feel like I lost a lot of respect. We had a rough year. I actively chose to fill my life elsewhere, I have work, days home with the kids, I've got a good social circle, hobbies, I exercise. Dh doesn't have anything other than work and home. He has no get up and go. He will say this himself. I've said to him last night that I find this unappealing.

Kisses and cuddles have now gone, neither of us initiate anything really, and I would feel standoffish about any approach. To be brutal, it almost feels inappropriate to me. I would say dh is more like a brother.

So in this situation we could either try to have more fun together, dates, fun family days etc, and hope the spark comes back. Or we could schedule sex in and just do it anyway and hope it becomes normal again and not inappropriate seeming.

Has anyone got any advice 😔

You sound like me when I had my son. I did have some PPD after having my son, although to me everything I was upset about had merit. But my husband and OBGYN said differently. I didn't work but I was (and still am) a SAHM. But I found comfort in working out and riding my horse, and my husband would whine about not getting enough attention. At one point I felt like he was a ankle biting dog nipping at heels to get up and do something to make him feel better. I also lost a lot of confidence in myself because I gained about 50 lbs being pregnant and I lost my core, and I've had a six pack ever since I was a teenager. That was hard for me. To think of having sex was so embarrassing. Also being around kids all the time is exhausting. At the end of the day you may just be all touched out and you may not want any affection.

Honestly though, I am 40 (had my son at 36) and finally found a hormone specialist and I'm in perimenopause and started Hormone replacement therapy. The irritability, mood swings, brain fog, fatigue, hot flashes are practically gone. I still get hot flashes but I don't wake up in the middle of the night covered in sweat anymore. But this has been a game changer. I can actually stand being around my husband. We go on dates, I can hug and kiss him without cringing. While its not perfect we have gotten the majority of our relationship back.

LoveLifeBeHappy · 03/02/2026 15:27

DeepRubySwan · 03/02/2026 11:46

Absolutely agree with this. If he wanted to have sex with you, he would be putting massive effort into that. Trying to get fit, offering massages etc. It sounds like it's gone stale. Perhaps try sex therapy.

Show quote history

So I wouldn’t necessarily believe when he says he doesn’t like it!

Well, he clearly doesn't??

BuckChuckets · 03/02/2026 18:10

Haypanky · 03/02/2026 11:36

Oh crikey - 7 years, and probably as many usernames later... Well we don't have any sex, no! My effort on the physical front wasn't really there. But neither was H's. But I think we are happier in many other ways, H does more hobbies himself, has a new job that he's happier in, and we have more friends that we do things with as families. Socially we feel a bit more even to each other. Life feels more fulsome overall. I would say its a platonic marriage but personally I don't wish to leave. Of course we're busy with kids things right now, so who can say if we'll be content with our lot when we have teenagers who can get about by themselves and then later when they fly the nest. I think at that stage we either realise we are best parting, or we grow back together. Or perhaps we'll decide a life grown together is 'enough', still, and be content.

Edited

That sounds utterly miserable to me 😖 But luckily we're all different, so as long as you're happy!

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