Moving on when there is no "closure"

[bombaygin]

So...long story short but have recently broken up with my ex who is also an ex from way back and again from a few years ago.

Each time he just suddenly goes cold. Refuses to reply to any messages and that's that. He has never sat down and told me face to face or acted mature about things. He basically just walks away and within a few weeks is with someone new.

He has hurt me so much but I do recognise that I have allowed this.
I'm just finding it really hard to "move on"...it feels like a rejection on a very deep level, like I'm not even worthy of a conversation, I feel like I'm not good enough and have zero value to him.

I've tried to get angry and I've tried to hate him and this does make me feel empowered a little but it just doesn't last. I'm very soft hearted and it's not in my nature to be nasty or hate people. I find it hard to bad mouth him, even in my own head.

I just want to know how I can finally move on. It feels like thoughts of him have always been there and each time we cross paths again I fall hard for him.

I can't cope with this pain again. I just don't know how to get my head straight and make sense of it all.
He is a compulsive liar and manipulator, not just with me but even with his own family and friends. He has really messed with my head this time but i still can't get him out of my head. Help!

Fix this: I find it hard to bad mouth him, even in my own head.

Teach yourself to fucking rage against him. How fucking DARE he treat you like this!!!

That's where your closure will come from.

it feels like a rejection on a very deep level, like I'm not even worthy of a conversation, I feel like I'm not good enough and have zero value to him. Yes this is exactly what the situation is. He has rejected you on a deep level. He does not believe you are good enough. You have zero value to him.

He is a cock. How fucking dare he. Work on your anger.

Sorry you've gone through this again OP.

Could you change your number (not that you have to) or block his number and all forms of social media? Making a clean cut is a good place to start and for taking back control! He will not be able to contact you when he feels like it.

Do lots of things you enjoy for yourself; walks, baths or whatever (booze 😂) new haircut? Just treat yourself!

It's easy to go back on whatever we feel is safe territory. Place of comfortable zone isn't it?

Any friends you could go see or get out with? Just keep telling yourself that you deserve better OP 💞

Surely there is closure in realising that he's clearly not a decent human being.

I got dropped off a cliff when I was looking at a life together and marriage and all of it. Just came out of the blue. I will never get answers why, even though (technically) we're on speaking terms, because he can't or won't give them to me.

It's fucking shit because you have an empty grave to grieve over, effectively. Full only of your own self-doubts and questions.

I spent a lot of time in therapy trying to come to terms with it, which has been partly successful - unfortunately my nature is to always kick myself when I'm down or just getting up off the mat, so...(it's basically only time that will heal, as the pain gets wrapped up and deadened in happier memories).

As for this "you deserve better..." rot, that's a question I really struggle with, to the point of starting and deleting several posts here about it. Why? Why do I 'deserve' super special better treatment? I'm not better than anyone else, and I certainly have my share of faults, so what on earth makes me "deserving"?

@buzzbobbly. If you don't think you deserve better than people who drop you, then people will pick up on that too. Why is it so wrong for you to want a life partner and have the same stake in happiness? Its NOT!

No-one deserves to be treated like they don't matter.

But "you deserve better" does not mean "super special better". It means "basic human respect".

You may not get answers, indeed he may not have the insight to be able to find them. But not to be able to say "I'm sorry this isn't working for me" and at least let you know isn't giving you the respect you deserve. There are lots of reasons people find this hard and fail to do it, but that's not to say that those on the receiving end don't deserve better. You absolutely do. Of course they can end the relationship, but yes they do owe it to you to end it respectfully. You and anyone else does in fact deserve that.

Actually I think your true closure will come from working on yourself and building your self esteem to the point you are not focused on how he or others see you as someone worthy or not. So what if he "rejects" you. It's not up to him to determine your worth. You are worthy, just because you are. I don't know why you care what a palpable disrespectful idiot like him thinks. Work on your own value and relationship with rejection. Your true "closure" and ability to get into a much more respectful relationship depends on yourself.

I could have written this word for word. I'm going through it right now too.

I have been made to feel like I was 'the one' before being dropped like a hot rock by the same guy more than once. I should have known better. Grieving for someone who isn't dead is particularly cruel.

I wish I had the answer. Never open yourself up to this man again.

Again, I could have written this! I'm five months down the line and I still have no answers.
All you can do is go on the actions and the lack thereof.
You have to get mad. You must focus on how this treatment has made you feel. NOT the good times.
My self esteem is rock bottom since the end of my relationship too. I've asked myself a thousand times why am I not 'worth it'? Why did he give up on me/our relationship and throw it away? Is it because I'm ugly/fat/stupid/loud etc etc!!
I can literally tear myself to shreds.
So much of what you've said about your character rings true for me too.
I do understand how hard it is to hate/be mad at someone you love - even if they have treated you badly. I fight with myself everyday with this notion.
I hope you take comfort in knowing that myself and other PP's have been/are in the same position as you.
It is awful, completely soul destroying.
Be kind to yourself, and look after number 1. Its the only way to build your self worth again.
Sending hugs

Closure isn't something the other person gives you by explaining why they treated you the way they did. It is something that you give yourself by:

A) changing the narrative from "this desirable person treated me badly and I need to know why" to "a person treated me badly and I allowed myself to stay in that unpleasant situation. I wonder what I can do to avoid that happening again?"
B) Answering the second question (the one about yourself) with maybe therapy, self help books, an honest look at your family of origin and lessons you learned growing up, etc. I would particularly recommend books on the mechanics of abuse and (if you can stomach it) a few pickup artist guides. I'm not saying that man was either an abuser or a PUA, but once you've seen those patterns and techniques, they become glaringly easy to spot.

Finewords is right. What he says or does not say makes no difference. He does not have deep feelings for you. If he did he would stay. You need to accept that is how it is. Love is not measurable or comparative thing. It’s irrationally felt or not felt. Talented, beautiful, intelligent, generous and kind people get let down in love. Being extra special doesn’t really help. Because it’s not an emotion you can force. He is just saying he doesn’t feel love in action not words.

You have to acknowledge that is true and that his lack of feeling is not a reflection of your worth or value. It’s not closure you need but acceptance and then an awakening of yourself. You do not need him for that.

Oh and you are very right about anger. It burns brightly and fast. Then goes leaving things as they were or worse.

Where’s the logic in waiting for him to do the very thing you know he’s incapable of. This isn’t about him, it’s about you and your refusal to accept him for who he is.

How do you get over him? By making the decision to take back the power you’ve surrendered to him.

How insightful, wise and beautiful are all these posts. Hang in there op, still looking for answers 1.5 years later. But know this, there will never be closure. Make your own. It's the only thing to do. Hugs.

You need to remove the power you give him by thinking that only he can give you 'closure'.
You give yourself closure by acknowledging he has been no good for you, and that he has repeatedly let you down.
You do not need him to validate why he has done what he has done or behaved the way he has.

You don't need closure.

You need to GET TURNED OFF. Yuck, what an arse. He hasn't got the courage to have one difficult conversation, he got involved with you AGAIN, knowing he'd hurt you once before. He sounds like an immature areshole.

The only ''closure'' that helps is realising one day ''shudder, why did I ever like that asshole, it's a mystery, to ME most of all, but at least I learnt to walk away the second a man blows hot and cold with me now''

As someone said up thread, I am also recovering after being made to believe I was ‘the one’ and then being pushed away with no closure. I’ve realised that my ex was a narcissist, his behaviour is who he is, it isn’t at all about me. Have a google OP

I'm about 99.99% sure this guy is a narcissist. He is using many manipulative tactics that many narcissists use to control their victims.

1. He is stonewalling you when he gives you the silent treatment. This is part of the discard phase of narcissistic abuse cycles (idealise, devalue, discard). It wont be long before he uses the second tactic on you below.

1. Hoovering. where the narcissist will tell you anything after the latest discard (you broke up) to make you give them another change. This is the start again of the idealise phase in the abuse cycle.

1. Triangulation and narcissistic supply. He immediately replaces you with a new person to not only punish you for whatever they perceive you have done to warrant the discard but also to introduce a third person into the abuse cycle to play you off each other. They also cannot survive without narcissistic supply and therefore will try to get new supply as soon as possible. Most times their new relationship actually overlapped with yours as narcs always have a back up.

1. Entitled. Cannot value you as they do not see you as a person and they cannot experience empathy. Usually lead parasitic lifestyles as they believe they are too good to contribute.

1. Manipulative liar. All narcs are both manipulative and pathological liars. Don't believe ANYTHING they say as gospel.

1. Immaturity. Narcs are basically emotionally stunted at the age of 10. They throw tantrums and make ridiculous demands like a child. They refuse to take responsibility for their actions.

Other signs are hare-trigger anger when criticised, victim playing or grandiose opinion of themselves, gaslighting, projecting etc.

I'm so sorry you have been through this kind of domestic abuse. I have experienced it myself and it is truly soul destroying.

There are some excellent videos on YouTube re this subject and I have learnt so much through watching these so you could maybe give them a try. Also, Google C-PTSD and trauma bonding as what you've described sounds like you are suffering from many of the symptoms of someone who has been narcissistically abused (low self esteem, fear of rejection)

Don't give him any more space in your head, as soon as you think of him say NO out loud if possible and deliberately think of something nice and good.
You can't make him respond to you. All you can do is work on your own self esteem. All this I'm not worthy shit is just that. It's shit, what makes him so special that he can treat others badly.?He's the one with the problem not you.
Everything going around in your head is having absolutely no effect on him at all. He's oblivious to your torment, it's like taking poison and expecting him to die.
Please all of you give yourselves a break, stop beating yourselves up. As pp said do something nice for yourself, you're important, you matter, you count. You are worth better, just be nice to yourself

Sorry for the rant, I've been there and I know it's easier said than done

Also I forgot to say, narcissists are highly resistant to change. Nearly all of the experts on this subject make it very clear that the best thing you can do once you have identified a narcissist in your life is to block them and go no contact. Permanently! If you don't, then soon enough they will try and Hoover you again by either promising to change, playing the victim or telling you how amazing you are to re-idealise you. You then end up back in the never ending cycle of idealised, devalue, discard.

They are not capable of love in its true form, the closest they get is "loving" their new car. They see you as a reflection of themselves and therefore never care about your feelings.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. was the relationship too good to be true in the beginning?

1. Did they shower you with flattery, attention and gifts which seemed over the top or made you uncomfortable?

1. Did it all move very quickly and within weeks they were declaring their love for you, talking about marriage, talking about kids or moving in together?

If you answered yes to the above, you are most certainly in a relationship with a narcissist. You need to run and fast, they are vengeful, odious entities and will stop at nothing to enact revenge.

Lockcodger, can I ask your advice (sorry to hijack the thread), I blocked the narcissist ex as he was re-idealising me and telling me again that I was the love of his life. Is blocking his numbers/ deleting him from social media enough - I’m a bit worried after reading your vengeful comment

You don't need anger... just the self esteem to recognise how much more you deserve. A kind hearted person like you deserves to be loved in return. Please, just don't ever get back with him. Perhaps see a therapist if you feel you might be tempted.

Whatis, firstly well done for going no contact. I know how painful it can be but there really is no other choice with these people.

Hopefully blocking him is enough but it depends on several factors including where he is on the narcissistic scale, how long you were together and how big their narcissistic injury was at the breakup.

If you are lucky they may only smear campaign you to a few people and send you a few messages via other people. At the extreme end, they can stalk you, their smear campaign may be severe (e.g. one of my ex narcs tried to get me fired by making false allegations about me to my boss), they can steal from you, physically assault you or even murder you.

I'm sorry to scare you but ALL domestically abusive men are narcissists and they share many traits with psychopathy. Never underestimate one and have a very low threshold for involving the police

Also, the time during when a woman leaves an abusive relationship is THE most dangerous time. If you haven't left yet but are planning to, please be careful and have a plan which you keep secret from the abuser. If you have recently left, protect yourself as best you can (change passwords, locks, routine etc.)

Lockcodger, thanks for that! Funnily enough, I was at a very random place that I never go to at a random time a few weeks ago and he suddenly walked in front of my car! I wondered if he’d somehow engineered it as it was so unexpected. Nothing since though.

It has been hard. I loved him, probably still do but being with him is not worth the agony!

I wouldn't put stalking past a narc. Some of them can put trackers on your devices to spy on you.

I know it's hard to leave someone you love and you hope so much at the time they they will change. Its truly heartbreaking but a good opportunity to reflect on the relationship and use it to improve your boundaries and self esteem so that you don't end up with a narc again, because it's so bloody painful