Moving on when there is no "closure"

[bombaygin]

So...long story short but have recently broken up with my ex who is also an ex from way back and again from a few years ago.

Each time he just suddenly goes cold. Refuses to reply to any messages and that's that. He has never sat down and told me face to face or acted mature about things. He basically just walks away and within a few weeks is with someone new.

He has hurt me so much but I do recognise that I have allowed this.
I'm just finding it really hard to "move on"...it feels like a rejection on a very deep level, like I'm not even worthy of a conversation, I feel like I'm not good enough and have zero value to him.

I've tried to get angry and I've tried to hate him and this does make me feel empowered a little but it just doesn't last. I'm very soft hearted and it's not in my nature to be nasty or hate people. I find it hard to bad mouth him, even in my own head.

I just want to know how I can finally move on. It feels like thoughts of him have always been there and each time we cross paths again I fall hard for him.

I can't cope with this pain again. I just don't know how to get my head straight and make sense of it all.
He is a compulsive liar and manipulator, not just with me but even with his own family and friends. He has really messed with my head this time but i still can't get him out of my head. Help!

A few years ago I got dropped by my now ex after 7 years, just when we were at the point of getting engaged, buying a house, etc. It was totally out of the blue. We did have a conversation to be fair, but all he could say was that it wasn't working and he just wasn't in it anymore. This is a fair enough reason but at the time I was obsessed with closure and knowing the reason why. I think it just came as such a shock because he gave the impression he was happy and then suddenly changed, and I couldn't make sense of it.

The things that helped me were:

• Getting angry at him for treating me like shit.
• Doing things I enjoyed that he didn't, basically getting back to who I was before him.
• Travelling, either solo or as part of a tour where you get to meet other people.
• Passage of time. It's a cliche but eventually you get exhausted from obsessing over it and tired of feeling sad. For now you just have to put one step in front of the other, but you will get through this.
• Seeing other people. About 6 months after the split I gave online dating a go and went on a couple of dates. Had a fling with a lovely guy who made me feel good about myself. After that I decided to stay single for a while, and lo and behold that's when my now DP appeared! He is a million times better for me than my ex and it's a far healthier relationship. It puts in perspective just how much I was missing out on a with my ex.

Block his number and focus on yourself. It will be shit for a while, but this will pass and you'll come out stronger.

Thank you all for the replies.

All very insightful and have given me lots of things to think about and done much needed help.

I have thought before that maybe he is a narcissist as he does seem to follow the pattern. Very much lovely at the start to the point of being OTT and not leaving me alone; constant messages etc.

Then during any arguments he will always say his piece and then give me silent treatment while I beg and cry and apologise. It's only after I get to a certain point that I finally stand up for myself, say something assertive or tell him to get lost that he then starts to respond to me; he will then twist it back around.

For example: "well I was thinking of arranging to come and see you and sort this all out but I guess I won't bother now"...which then has me apologising again etc etc.

There are so many times looking back that I can see his he has twisted my words and always blamed me.
I can also see how he has treat his own family (always borrowing money) and getting angry at little things.
And he doesn't have any real friends either. He seems to cut ties with people easily.

Not sure if it's actually narcissism or some other disorder or just the fact he's not a very nice person. Doesn't really matter I suppose.

I know deep down that I don't even like him very much, at least not the person he has become. When I get any happy romantic thoughts they all come from a time when we were first together, when he seemed to care.

He has moved from one woman to another all his life. His own mother once even told me that he just can't do relationships, he's too selfish.

I also think there may be some weird thing inside me where I'm chasing for his approval. My father was abusive and a womaniser and always told me I was stupid and useless.

I don't have a solid base behind me when it comes to relationships. I'm
a people pleaser and I get hurt far too easily. I think the feelings of rejection stem back to that to be honest.

It's not really rejection by him, it's rejection from the whole world (at least my world)....like no one will ever really love me. I don't have a safe haven to fall back on.

I know I need to get angry inside. It's so hard though.

Thanks everyone

Your energies need to be focused where they will benefit you the most and that’s working on your own issues, not giving yourself permission to be distracted by his.

OP I'm starting to wonder if you're my twin, and your ex is my ex's twin!
Almost everything you've said is identical to what I've been through.
I know that I have always had very distorted view of myself and my self worth.
Stems way back to not feeling good enough, a disappointment to my parents. In particular my father, who has always favoured my sister. And just like yours - is a womaniser, who cheated on my mother.
I have got to the point, where I almost don't can't care what my father thinks of me. But then maybe I look for that validation in other places, my ex for example. Who seemed to give me that, and understand my difficult upbringing...
I actually feel like I'm turning a corner now, I'm looking at ways now to work on me. I also accept that, my ex treated me very badly. There's no way to explain that behaviour. It's not acceptable, and though it still hurts like hell, I know he doesn't care, and that's that.
Let's enjoy working on ourselves, and making no room for them in our lives.

It's not really rejection by him, it's rejection from the whole world (at least my world)....like no one will ever really love me. I don't have a safe haven to fall back on.

This ties in with your issues around your childhood. I felt like this too as I didn't have a stable childhood and thought I was creating my own family with the ex, so when he left I felt like I had nobody I could rely on. The thing you need to do is learn to rely on yourself and love yourself (corny as that sounds). I had counselling and I was given the book Homecoming by John Bradshaw, which was really helpful. It's about giving yourself the care you didn't receive in childhood, so you're more confident in yourself and less likely to fall into unhealthy relationships.