Met a lovely bloke but horribly anxious over my size

[ThierryEnnui]

I’ve met a really lovely bloke (in person - he’s a friend of a very good male friend of mine). He came out of a relationship about a year ago, and so far, no red flags. We’ve met in social situations two or three times, most recently a couple of weeks ago at said mutual friend’s party. He was physically quite affectionate with me as the night went on (which was appreciated and reciprocated!)

We’ve been talking pretty much every day since then and have arranged for him to come and stay for the weekend in a few weeks’ time.

On paper, this is a perfectly nice, organic thing but I am so caught up in my body insecurities that I can’t think straight - I am so anxious that he will think I am hideously unattractive (I know, I know... he’s seen me in the flesh and knows exactly what I look like!) For context, I have what is probably a conventionally attractive face, I dress well and take care of myself, but I am a size 16-18 and very much in double chin, belly rolls territory.

It’s not so much that I’m afraid of getting naked as I don’t think I’d go that far on our first “date” as it were, it’s more that I’m totally panicking that he will see me close up over a more prolonged period of time and think I’m repulsive. My rational brain is telling me to stop being ridiculous, to relax and see what happens and that he’s hardly going to recoil in horror, but my irrational side is keeping me from sleeping about all of this.

Has anyone felt similar; or does anyone have any pearls of wisdom as to how to deal with this self esteem issue? Dating as a fat woman is a total minefield and I’m half inclined to sack it all off until I get myself in a position where I’m not so constantly, acutely self-conscious.

Aside from the actual question - staying for the weekend as a first date seems like a hell of a lot of pressure. Why not go out for a meal or something?

I think it’ll likely be overnight Saturday (so not the full two nights). Reason being is that he lives about 2 hours away.

Does he have to stay for a whole weekend? I think it’s best to get to know each other slowly eg just a night out for your next date. Does he know you think sex is not on the cards even though he’s staying at yours for a weekend?

I have a friend who is very overweight but has bags of confidence and had lots of dates (and sex) when she did online dating for a year and now she has met someone and moved him in. It has not held her back at all. Since your guy knows you I would say you could loosen up a bit. He obviously likes you.

I agree with Fine - arranging for him to stay at the weekend at this stage seems a bit much.

Taking your self esteem issues out of it, I still think a whole weekend is too much. What if you don’t get on or you feel uncomfortable or he gets on your nerves? Where is your way out?

I understand your insecurity (I have the same myself) but you just have to throw caution to the wind and if he's going to be the type of guy that he doesn't like you because of your size then you are not losing much!

You're a beautiful person, is he adonis? he's already seen you in the flesh, you've nothing to be ashamed of but do take it slowly.

If he lives two hours away, why not meet in the middle?

I think you might feel less anxious about the physical stuff if you knew him better, felt more sure of his attraction to you (and yours to him) and had had more definite "date" interactions. So far, you've had messages and a party where he was a bit physically demonstrative.

He has seen you, and I’m sure is quite able (and excited) to imagine you with a little less clothing on.
Many of us,me included,feel self-conscious of our wobbly bits but our partners love those bits.
I prefer DH/men when they are on the heavier side. Some/lots of men are the same.
Enjoy the weekend

There are two issues here. Firstly, I would echo what others have said and seriously rethink having him stay in your house overnight. However nice a guy he might be, I would be astonished if he wasn't expecting sex to happen at some point - unless you've discussed it and you know you're both on the same page. You don't know him very well, and it sounds like you've never even been alone with him. What will you do if you change your mind about him when he's there in your home? Do you have a back-up plan for getting him to leave if you need to?

The weight issue - I would never recommend the "I'm going to do x, y and z just as soon as I've lost some weight" school of thought. I've missed out on an awful lot of life opportunities by adopting that mindset, and I never ended up doing the things I was putting off because I was never, in my mind, "thin enough" to be allowed to enjoy them. If you get the chance to do something you really want to do and there are no good reasons why you shouldn't, then for god's sake just do it! Don't end up like me, middle-aged and full of regrets.

Dating as a fat woman is a total minefield and I’m half inclined to sack it all off until I get myself in a position where I’m not so constantly, acutely self-conscious

Being fat is no bar whatsoever to dating, being desired, having a fulfilling romantic night, etc. BUT low self esteem (for whatever reason) makes you extremely vulnerable to losers, users, dick heads and abusers. I'm not saying you should live like a nun until the magical, mythical day when you somehow feel like a PERFECT POWERFUL GODDESS and never have insecurity again, but dating requires rock solid boundaries, a good sense of humour and a fair amount of confidence in yourself and your decisions.

If you don't feel like a catch, there's a big risk of you putting up with substandard behaviour. Is there a way to boost your self confidence a bit? I don't mean "get a haircut, buy nice underwear", I mean "think of ways to feel proud of yourself". Do you have a hobby you excel at, brilliant friends who make you feel good, something to aim for that you have always wanted to achieve? I know I care much less about my rolls when I feel like a funny, exciting person who just smashed it at work or have moved ahead with a personal project.

Op you are my boyfriends perfect woman!

I once read a reply by a man, to a woman with the same worry, who basically said that men are pretty good at imagining what you look like without clothes. so if he is interested in you with clothes on he is hardly likely to think you are repulsive without, he will have already imagined you naked in his head and be far more worried about what you are thinking about him with no clothes on.

Some men do actually view women holistically. Even those that don't, there are many that find a fuller figure very attractive. He's met you, he knows you're not built like a stick, he's still interested. Relax and have fun.

Reason being is that he lives about 2 hours away.

This is not a good reason. 2 hours is a day trip to London for most people.

2 hours either way is ample time for a lazy lunch and an exit.

Or as a previous poster suggested - meet in the middle which cuts it to 1 hour which is fine for dinner.

It is a very very bad idea to have a whole overnight date for a first date.

The other thing as regards your body confidence question is that a bit of a lead in and build up will help you no end with this. Extended kissing that can't go anywhere because you are both going home, prolonged flirting, really builds sexual tension. If you are at the point where you both feel you want to rip each others clothes off, you really won't be thinking about your rolls of fat because you will trust that he really wants you just as you really want him.

So I'd vote for a bigger build up. Take it slower.

I understand exactly where you're coming from on this one - I'm the same size as you and feel uncomfortable letting men see that. I used to be slim and attractive and feel that I'm currently at my worst.

I met a guy around a year ago who weighs around 9 stones - so so tiny and I feel like an elephant at the side of him. He apparently doesn't notice this at all and tells me frequently that he finds me very attractive.

This is all down to your state of mind and once you can accept that he wouldn't be accepting dates if he didn't find you attractive, you may be able to move past this feeling. I haven't managed it yet and find myself mentioning our weight difference frequently

If my older self could travel through time and meet my younger self I would tell her that sex on a first date is not necessarily a bad thing, if the chemistry is right it can be special.

If it feels right, go for it, as long as you don’t feel pressured. My own sister has been married 10+ years to someone she had sex with within hours of meeting.

As for your size, he knows what you look like People don’t really look that different when they are undressed.

Enjoy your weekend, don’t go further than you feel comfortable. But if you do feel comfortable, don’t waste an opportunity; best undies just in case.

Finally, make sure you have some condoms in your bed side drawer.

Agree with others, do not invite him to stay over for the weekend. Arrange to meet halfway. Te fact that he's already been 'physical' towards you shows you that he clearly likes you ... but may be interested in a little more activity if you have invited him to stay the night .

He sounds as though he likes you, he knows what size you are, so what? I've always been around your size, or larger, no problem getting boyfriends and my DH never, ever mentions my weight or size.

If you want to have sex with someone, it does not turn into better sex by waiting.

Good sex is shared not something the woman gives to a man. A decent man will not think less of you. Those men that would think less of you are best out of the way asap anyway.

I personally wouldn't have him staying over

But you'll smash it OP :)

I'm a fattie, but attractive, and would be a bit of a 'wow' case if slimmer

Usually I am honest about being plump on my online dating profile, but it's different for you as you don't have one of those.

Honestly, I haven't struggled to meet men, and 9/10 times they've wanted to see me again. I dress fairly well, and always have my nails done. I bought myself a wave wand for my hair, which gives me the look of a bouncy blow dry almost without the cost. My Phase Eight black maxi dress which makes my tits look fab is my go-to attire for a first date, along with a designer handbag and a spritz of Chanel.
I would love to be slimmer but my adoration of food means it isn't so There are so many other things you can do to make you feel good though: hair, nails, lashes, clothes, jewellery, etc.
And confidence is key.
Try to relax and enjoy. Good luck!

If he lives 2hrs away - meeting in the middle for dinner.

Good sex is shared not something the woman gives to a man. A decent man will not think less of you. Those men that would think less of you are best out of the way asap anyway

I don't think anyone here was saying the OP shouldn't have sex on a first date incase the man "thinks less of her" :/

The OP said "I feel nervous about this guy seeing me naked". One of the suggestions was to take things a bit slower until she felt more comfortable with him.

I have been all different sizes OP and believe me when I say, men don't really care.

Some men like skinny women. Some men like women so fat that they can't get out of bed.

Most men are somewhere in between, and if they like you, and they like your style and your personality, they want to go to bed with you.

He will have his own insecurities believe me.

Please try and remember that sex is not a performance. The point of sex is for YOU to enjoy it and get pleasure from it and have a fun time. Not to look a certain way. We are conditioned into this by the patriarchy - porn, advertising, Hollywood, etc. The measure of a successful sex session is not how you look in your lingerie. Its how you feel afterwards.

Good post from chesty.

We men have a very broad range of what we find attractive. The stereotypes of beauty are no more true for men than they are of women.

If he's dating you, he fancies you. Go have fun.