Met a lovely bloke but horribly anxious over my size

[ThierryEnnui]

I’ve met a really lovely bloke (in person - he’s a friend of a very good male friend of mine). He came out of a relationship about a year ago, and so far, no red flags. We’ve met in social situations two or three times, most recently a couple of weeks ago at said mutual friend’s party. He was physically quite affectionate with me as the night went on (which was appreciated and reciprocated!)

We’ve been talking pretty much every day since then and have arranged for him to come and stay for the weekend in a few weeks’ time.

On paper, this is a perfectly nice, organic thing but I am so caught up in my body insecurities that I can’t think straight - I am so anxious that he will think I am hideously unattractive (I know, I know... he’s seen me in the flesh and knows exactly what I look like!) For context, I have what is probably a conventionally attractive face, I dress well and take care of myself, but I am a size 16-18 and very much in double chin, belly rolls territory.

It’s not so much that I’m afraid of getting naked as I don’t think I’d go that far on our first “date” as it were, it’s more that I’m totally panicking that he will see me close up over a more prolonged period of time and think I’m repulsive. My rational brain is telling me to stop being ridiculous, to relax and see what happens and that he’s hardly going to recoil in horror, but my irrational side is keeping me from sleeping about all of this.

Has anyone felt similar; or does anyone have any pearls of wisdom as to how to deal with this self esteem issue? Dating as a fat woman is a total minefield and I’m half inclined to sack it all off until I get myself in a position where I’m not so constantly, acutely self-conscious.

I’m the same size as you. My partner thinks I’m an absolute goddess (I’m not). I’ve been every size and in spite of what we’ve been conditioned to believe men like all shapes and sizes, as do women. He already knows you’re not a waif, but quite frankly, unless he’s a 30 year old version of Brad Pitt, he’s lucky to get a chance with you. And even if he is a 30 year old version of Brad Pitt he’s still lucky to get you, because you sound fabulous!

It’s not so much about when op has sex, it’s more that he is staying for a weekend with no get out if needed.

I went out with a guy five or six times and thought he was really nice. We went out for an evening drink in my area where he got so drunk he couldn’t drive home so he stayed on the settee (no shag thank god.) I couldn’t get rid of him the next morning as he was still so drunk but I had to pick up my children. When I told him I didn’t want to see him again (his slurring put me off) he got very nasty and wrote me an abusive message on Facebook. Op may be fine but you never can tell and with her worries I think she should take it slowly.

Some men genuinely like bigger women. A couple of my male friends don't like skinnier women.

Thanks all for your really kind responses, and I totally take on board what many of you have said re: meeting halfway for dinner instead of an overnight stay. I probably should have given a little more clarity on how well I know him – I met him some years ago, we have spent a fair amount of time in each other’s company by way of our mutual friend, so I don’t fear that it would be awkward or he would suddenly reveal himself to be an axe-murderer…I suppose it is really only because he wasn’t previously single that this is like a new ‘level’ so to speak. BUT I totally agree with you all that if I feel uncomfortable, it would be hard to get away from that, so I will have a think about changing our plans.

I’ve spent much of the last 10 years in relationships so have not really had the ‘new bloke seeing my body’ anxiety for a fair while. But as many pps have said, he knows what I look like – I’m not a far cry naked from how I am clothed (other than I know how to craftily disguise the belly rolls!)

whatamidoingwithmylife I totally get you on this front – bloke in question is tall and whilst not stick-thin, definitely not what I would call out-of-shape (but not particularly in shape either, I guess!) Funny how we turn the lens only on ourselves really…I am so uncritical of men’s bodies, I barely pay them any thought yet sit here crucifying myself for mine!

You’ve been around him, but not spent time with him one to one, so this is a first date. Agree with other posters that him staying at your home is a bad plan.

OP, I am the same size as you and in my 50s, the bonus is I’ve got great boobs and a good face and look quite a bit younger. I’m not skinny because I am a good cook and like food and I do like my wine!! Lots of guys actually do like this rather than a woman who sits counting calories every time you go out etc. In this case the guy knows you, it’s not a blind date, he is fully aware that you aren’t suddenly going to be a size 10 under a size 18 exterior, just don’t rush it if you don’t want to.

I don't think him staying over is a bad idea. A lot of first dates that progress well end up in a short stay at one or the other's house anyway.

VeronicaDinner
My thoughts entirely.

Best advice I got about this: your clothes don’t have hypnotic powers to trick the people who see you. Most people have a fair idea of what underneath would look like so if it gets to that stage they’ve already signalled they’re fine with it

I don't get it. It's not like you've met online and you're worried about him seeing you for the first time.

He's seen you... he can see what size you are. He's not going to be expecting you to be a size 16 in clothes and a size 8 when naked.

Lots of men prefer women who have fuller figures. We all have our preferences, personally, I don't find skinny men attractive at all.

I have a fair few close male friends, and I work in a very make dominated area.

Surprisingly, and consistently, virtually all the men I have spoken to say the same thing. That they don't much care how skinny or fat you are, it's your attitude and personality which is sexy, not your body.

And seeing some of their partners, I can believe it. A new girl started in the reception of a building I work out of occasionally, she's about a size 18. All of the guys I work with mad the "well I would" comment. One in particular said yesterday

"she's very pretty isn't she, I feel a bit weird when I speak with her, I keep finding myself looking at her, she must think I'm some kind of pervert"

And that guy is smoking hot himself.

I think we spend way too much time worrying about what we look like.

Have a look at body positivity accounts on instagram namely bodyposipanda and from there you'll find others!

Surprisingly, and consistently, virtually all the men I have spoken to say the same thing. That they don't much care how skinny or fat you are, it's your attitude and personality which is sexy, not your body

I'm one of the exceptions as both are important to me. However, I can confirm that, generally speaking, what you say is true.