Husband made redundant and not doing enough

[Iggly]

I was going to put this in AIBU but I can’t face an onslaught.

Dh has sadly been made redundant - well technically he took voluntary severance but this was after it was clear his post was being deleted.

Prior to that he’s been signed off with stress for a number of months.

I have taken a 12 month sabbatical as for years I’ve been struggling with juggling a high powered job, non sleeping children and needed to take some time out to reassess my career options.

I feel so resentful - most of my year off has been spent trying to hold it together after dh’s illness. His first reaction was to passive aggressively suggest I’d be going back to (my incredibly shit) job. A tiny part of me thinks he thinks I should keep up with my career because it’s so well paid - even though it made me miserable for years and I can’t be in charge of the household stuff as well. Dh doesn’t pick up enough of the slack in that regard.

Since receiving his redundancy payment, he’s been better mentally as he doesn’t have the immediate worry about getting a new job. He’s been given a generous package of careers counselling and also general counselling for his mental health. He’s taken the former up but has let the latter sessions slide.

The thing that’s really getting to me is that I want him to take on more responsibility at home - I want him to take the kids to school for example without me having to drive this.

I’ll have to tell him to take the kids to school at least once a week - he won’t do it without me suggesting.

I want him to pick up a chunk of childcare without me suggesting it.

Basically I want him to stop being so damn lazy. I’m like his mum sometimes - he doesn’t set an alarm clock in the morning, he rarely gets up first, lies in bed after I’ve got up with the youngest dc, pissing about on Twitter when he could have got breakfast on and made things less of a rush in the mornings.

He just doesn’t take the initiative!! He’s always been like this since we’ve had the dcs and now we are home together all the time I notice it a lot more.

And it’s pissing me off and creating resentment. I don’t even know how to begin dealing with this as I’m so angry about the whole situation and I know that it isn’t dh’s fault he’s been made redundant and I’m never going to get the career change I want.

Has anyone got any thoughts? Anyone had a husband made redundant? How did you cope?

That's really awful for you.

He could do a lot- get job a done around the house and sort the garden out or cook or whatever needs to be done.

Or LTB ???

I don't think the issue is that he's been made redundant, its that he's a man-child who thinks looking after the kids and the house is a woman's job.

Spell it out for him in black and white that its now his job to take care of things at home and get up with the kids on a morning, get them sorted for school and take them there. I'm guessing he will start frantically looking for work at this point.

My ex was like this, everything was down to me and no matter how much I told him its a team effort since we both work full time he never ever stepped up, its draining and it eventually kills love.

DH was made redundant last year,but TBH he is pretty good at doing stuff,he always has been,though that is no help to you.
This probably isn't the right way to go about it but I'd be very tempted to book something out of the house,early,tell him you need him to get up youngest DC ,take kids to school etc and just go out and leave him to do it.

Perhaps a conversation about how to split household jobs would be less confrontational though,starting from the unnegotiable assumption that you should be sharing 50/50. You're both at home,you both have job planning etc to do.He needs to step up.
The resentment about the impact his redundancy is having on your chance of a career change is different,but still needs talking about - if you are staying together then it's a joint problem to solve together .What can he do,what can you do that will get closest to giving you both an outcome you are happy with.

I think you both need a plan about how this is going to work for you now you are both at home. Get him on board to contribute. That means house and children as well as work and finances. He’s obviously not going to do anything if you’re up doing it. He needs a role and needs to stick to it.

Does he have any good points? Doesn't sound much use that’s for sure.

He’s a millstone round your neck.

I’d be making it crystal clear that the future of the relationship depends on him stepping up now and doing at least his fair share, and if he doesn’t sustain it you’re done.

Honestly. I don’t throw around LTB easily. But he’s making your life hell while he gets to sit around living the life of Riley, it’s not on. Being single would probably be less upsetting than this.

You said he had been signed off for some months with stress, and has resulting mental health problems, that really affects people's ability to function 'normally. You took a year off work because you couldn't cope , and presumably your husband had to take up the slack by working in a job he didn't like , and one that appears to have caused him mental harm to support you .

You chose to opt out for a year - you weren't signed off - and are resenting your husband who was medically signed off and then made redundant?

You need to communicate with each other.

Not ‘I want him to pick up a chunk of the childcare without me suggesting it’. He’s not a mind reader so you are setting him up for a fall.

Sounds like you have problems - talk to each other or get some help to talk.

Thanks everyone for your comments, they’re all helpful.

A couple of people have pointed out that I took a year out and dh took up the slack by working in a job he didn’t like.

No - he loved his job and we made the decision together after months of discussion. It was his suggestion and we worked out we could afford it for a year and only a year. That was always the deal. Prior to that I had tried a new job and it was even worse than my previous job. Nothing changed for him at work as a result of me being off work. His being signed off wasn’t because of me making him stay in a shit job. As soon as it turned shit due to a new boss, he was signed off. He wasn’t hanging on in there for me - it all changed within two weeks of his new boss starting.

I expect to go back and have been applying for jobs and had one unsuccessful interview.

But I appreciate the point. That’s why I haven’t put this in AIBU because I know in many ways that I’m being unreasonable.

I think the key issue for me is that this situation has crystallised the level of unhappiness I feel about how we really aren’t equal partners in raising our children and running the home. We are on a par in terms of financial earnings but I’ve had to step down a bit because I can’t do it all despite having a nanny and a cleaner and money to throw at the problems. DH never really gets that - he makes noises but ultimately will never make enough of a consistent effort.

As I read the replies to this thread, I see that there are two issues - one is how we work through the redundancy and two is the bigger issue of sharing responsibilities.

My biggest fear - and it really upsets me - is when dh gets a new job and when I am back at work, I’ll be pushed into a high paid stressful job yet again and yet again I’ll be chasing my tail. Dh is talking about going part time - which is great - but only from his point of view. There’s no talk of him wanting to help more at home, of covering childcare etc. It’s all about him.

Not ‘I want him to pick up a chunk of the childcare without me suggesting it’. He’s not a mind reader so you are setting him up for a fall

I want him to think and use some empathy. Take the initiative. To try and use an analogy - it’s nicer if someone buys you a birthday present with a bit of thought as opposed to picking the thing you’ve asked them to get.

Sounds like you have problems - talk to each other or get some help to talk

Absolutely. I’m going to suggest counselling - no excuse now we are both at home and have time when the dcs are at school.

I’ve had to step down a bit because I can’t do it all despite having a nanny and a cleaner and money to throw at the problems

Having a nanny and a cleaner changes things somewhat. Even if you were both working, surely this makes your lives much easier and there is less to do? But given that neither of you work at present AND you have staff to help, I'm struggling to understand what the problem is. Do you have 10 children and elderly relatives to look after or something? Not trying to sound unsympathetic (your DH sounds selfish and quite annoying) but I don't understand where all this 'chasing your tail' is coming from?

Having a nanny and a cleaner changes things somewhat

I don’t have these now. This was when I was working.... that’s when I was chasing my tail - I don’t chase it now!! But I will be going back to that when I go back to work n

Short term, you need to make it clear that, if you go back to work, you'll not be doing anything that benefits him more than you and the kids.

Long term, apart from reevaluation your relationship, I think you also need to evaluate whether having the sort of careers that fund a nanny and a cleaner is doing either of you any good. If you're both under so much pressure that you can't sustain that lifestyle, then is it possible to simplify?

If you're both under so much pressure that you can't sustain that lifestyle, then is it possible to simplify

It is and I’ve wanted to for years. We moved house and reduced our mortgage after me driving it although dh was reluctant to downsize the mortgage too much.
Dh under pressure has only been a recent thing. He’s loved his job for years, never had that Monday morning dread feeling until recently.

We both need to be working part time in my view with more time at home. When I suggest it to dh, he doesn’t really say much so I can’t tell if he really agrees or is just saying it to keep the peace. He likes having the idea of a nice house, big garden, holidays etc etc.

He is behaving like a selfish twat.

I would sit but down and make it crystal clear that the future will not look like you being miserable killing yourself working full time and bringing home all the money, raising the kids and doing all the housework whilst he works part time and scratches his arse.

Get a piece of paper split into with each of your names at the top and ask what he pictures each of you doing when your sabbatical is up? How would the division of work/labour/downtime look like to him?

That should be interesting.

I couldn't disagree more that she's setting him up to fakdrenil. If there are children, they need things. Breakfast, dressing, homework, ferrying around. Why does the op have to tell him what needs to be done? It's obvious.

I take your point though, and I'd suggest that you have a sit down conversation about it and spell it out: we have children and you are a father. Start doing the stuff that needs doing without me having to tell you it needs doing. It's not rocket science or a surprise, so step up and don't be a dick about this boring, necessary stuff.

Op, I don't think you're asking too much. I just wonder if he's well enough if his mh has taken a hit.

It’s handy for him to use you isn’t it. Wouldn’t we all like someone to look after us and do our grunt work.

I feel very angry for you. Maybe he could try living on his own to start seeing the benefit of a partnership and acting like he’s in one.

I hate that you have to do this, but have you ever sat down and said, now that we're both at home we need to resplit things like chores, childcare etc - so you do x days of school runs and I do y?

I think that would be a good first step.

My own DH had gardening leave in the summer. DS takes himself to school but needs help with breakfast etc, and all I said to DH was 'do you want to do a week of mornings turn about, alternate mornings, or will we see what's happening with my work and take it from there?' There was this moment when he looked like he was going to answer back... but didn't. And we split them equally depending on other committments...

I digress though - if you can't find a way to communicate about something simple like the school runs, you're not going to be able to work your way through the bigger decisions about work etc. So sit him down and talk. Yes, it would be better if he knew this stuff himself but he doesn't, so...

My advice would be: SPELL IT OUT. In words of one syllable. Do not take any prisoners. This is what I expect from you. This is what you can expect from me.

I cannot decide whether men are deliberately thick as shit about all this stuff or if they are just being belligerent because they don't want to do any of the humdrum daily jobs. Either way, I found the only solution was to go bananas about it so there could be no misunderstanding.

Have a meeting every Saturday morning where you write a list of jobs for the week and allocate them between you both.

If this seems too hard to do perhaps consider counselling together?

It sounds like you have both made yourselves ill by overworking and both are coping with a lot of change.

If it were me I would be looking for a lifestyle and work that support my health and the same for my DH. If DH is coping with mental illness this may very well be affecting his capabilities for empathy, motivation and the ability to do even everyday tasks.

It's a lot to navigate.

I think your best option would be to go back to work. When he's left with the kids by himself, he'll have to step up and figure it out himself, or the kids won't get taken to school.

Put him in the position where he's the only one who can do it, and I suspect he'll magically figure it out.

I agree. It seems logical for you to go back to work now and leave him to sort out everything else. He wont have a choice. Alternatively write a schedule of who does what every week or all the time so you both can check it every day.

I also struggle to see how either of you had any issues when you were working since you had a nanny and a cleaner? What else did you have to do??