Husband made redundant and not doing enough

[Iggly]

I was going to put this in AIBU but I can’t face an onslaught.

Dh has sadly been made redundant - well technically he took voluntary severance but this was after it was clear his post was being deleted.

Prior to that he’s been signed off with stress for a number of months.

I have taken a 12 month sabbatical as for years I’ve been struggling with juggling a high powered job, non sleeping children and needed to take some time out to reassess my career options.

I feel so resentful - most of my year off has been spent trying to hold it together after dh’s illness. His first reaction was to passive aggressively suggest I’d be going back to (my incredibly shit) job. A tiny part of me thinks he thinks I should keep up with my career because it’s so well paid - even though it made me miserable for years and I can’t be in charge of the household stuff as well. Dh doesn’t pick up enough of the slack in that regard.

Since receiving his redundancy payment, he’s been better mentally as he doesn’t have the immediate worry about getting a new job. He’s been given a generous package of careers counselling and also general counselling for his mental health. He’s taken the former up but has let the latter sessions slide.

The thing that’s really getting to me is that I want him to take on more responsibility at home - I want him to take the kids to school for example without me having to drive this.

I’ll have to tell him to take the kids to school at least once a week - he won’t do it without me suggesting.

I want him to pick up a chunk of childcare without me suggesting it.

Basically I want him to stop being so damn lazy. I’m like his mum sometimes - he doesn’t set an alarm clock in the morning, he rarely gets up first, lies in bed after I’ve got up with the youngest dc, pissing about on Twitter when he could have got breakfast on and made things less of a rush in the mornings.

He just doesn’t take the initiative!! He’s always been like this since we’ve had the dcs and now we are home together all the time I notice it a lot more.

And it’s pissing me off and creating resentment. I don’t even know how to begin dealing with this as I’m so angry about the whole situation and I know that it isn’t dh’s fault he’s been made redundant and I’m never going to get the career change I want.

Has anyone got any thoughts? Anyone had a husband made redundant? How did you cope?

WTAF?? So he needs to a mind reader to know that he should take his children to school?

Of course men are not thick as shit about stuff like this. They just don’t want to be arsed with any wifework because they’ve been taught that it’s beneath them. That there’ll always be a woman there to look after them, fuss over them and sort everything out for them.

Oh mind you, I’m sure they are deliberately thick as shit - such a convenient way to opt out of the shitwork and mental load of parenting.

Every time I read things like this I’m just so fucking glad that I ended up with a man who gets shit done!

Have a meeting every Saturday morning where you write a list of jobs for the week and allocate them between you both.

This!

In your shoes I’d also be looking for a job YOU enjoy.. not the stressful shit one. I took a lesser paid, lesser senior role and I love work now. Let your dh sort the dc and house out. Please don’t work AND do what you’re doing now

I also struggle to see how either of you had any issues when you were working since you had a nanny and a cleaner? What else did you have to do??

Provide emotional and practical support to my dcs, especially while my eldest was massively struggling?

Having a nanny and cleaner only absolves me of some practical tasks involved in having a family! I had an incredibly stressful job - long hours, had to make people redundant, my team were massively unskilled and I was out of the house so so much. By the time I got home after my commute I had little emotional energy to give. I didn’t like being away from my children so much, I didn’t like having to rush them to bed so I could do a couple more hours work. With dcs at school, I’ve got all the admin to keep on top of - events, parents evening, homework, trying to squeeze in play dates etc.
It was shit.

I hate that you have to do this, but have you ever sat down and said, now that we're both at home we need to resplit things like chores, childcare etc - so you do x days of school runs and I do y

I know we need to talk about things. I’ve just got to the point where whenever things need thrashing out - I’m the one that has to do the thrashing.

Dh said to me the other day that I should write out a list of jobs that need doing so he could crack on.

I got fucked off because I thought why do I have to be the one to do that?

Yes his MH has taken a hit - but he’s not taking up any more of the counselling which has annoyed me. It’s free! I can’t make him do it but I’ve said I expect him to do everything to make himself better.

This is partly why I’ve not had any proper conversations with him, because I know it will all come out and I don’t want to upset him.

Also it’s not a new thing - I’ve always been in charge of the household since the dcs. Dh has let me down a few times previously so I’ve just taken it up.

He does do some stuff, just not enough.

The worst bit for me is that his work colleagues describe him as thoughtful, so caring, inclusive etc and I think why don’t we get that at home???

Dh said to me the other day that I should write out a list of jobs that need doing so he could crack on.

I agree with you that you shouldn't have to do it, but it is an opening.

Decide which things you want him to do every week, and allocate him those. Make clear it's "every Monday-Weds", e.g. dropping kids at school by 8 in the morning. If he claims to forget week on week, write it on a board somewhere. Then leave him to it. The kids getting to school on time Mon-Weds is his responsibility, not yours.

...but you have to be prepared to let him fail, otherwise you'll get into a game of chicken. When he realises the responsibility is his and his alone (i.e. you won't bail him out), he shouldn't have any other option but to get on with it.

Basically whether you're working, he's working, you're both off, you're both working, the house and children are 'your job'. Yeah, that's just sexist, lazy bullshit.

He believes it's you're job and whether you delegate or do it, it's still your responsibility. That's crap.

Tell him-a list of jobs is a great idea and that you need to sit down (with a glass of wine or cup of tea?!) and write one together!

This is partly why I’ve not had any proper conversations with him, because I know it will all come out and I don’t want to upset him.

I would suggest not worrying about upsetting him. There are so many issues here. It would be helpful to get them clear in your mind. You cannot go on like this with this amount of resentment. Try and get over your fear of upsetting him! He is upsetting you at the moment.

You are trying to help your relationship so go ahead and be brave. Talk to him. Demand things! Be firm but fair and what can he say?

So you took a whole year off work but he has been suffering with mental health issues which are well known to affect personal drive, etc, and you have the cheek to have a go?

Personally, if I was him, I would LTB. Who needs a partner who offers no support through illness?

Iggly please read my thread on Arsehole or narcissist? and see if some of it rings true with you. There are some really good covert narcissist videos on youtube ❤

Absolutely if both of you are off work then you should be doing 50/50 childcare and housework as a starting point. No question. This 50/50 should then be adjusted to reflect whether one person is actively looking for a job, which I would consider a form of working outside the home. It could also be adjusted to allow someone time for counselling and career development, again a form of working outside the home.

Both parties should have equal time for leisure, sleep, hobbies, socialising, whatever.

If he wants to go back to work part time- then absolutely that should prompt a serious conversation about what childcare and housework he will be picking up to balance that out. Do not allow him to have days of rest and leisure to himself only for you to get home from work and do the days worth of cleaning/laundry/cooking/household admin that he did not do.

I would also be upset in your situation as it seems like he has stress/mental health problems that are putting a burden on all of you- but yet he is not doing everything in his power to get better. This would make me very frustrated. Have you addressed this with him?

It seems like this is a bad time for your sabbatical. He is home and under your feet when you should be relaxing and reflecting on your career. You are wasting the opportunity to save on childcare/nanny costs by both being home at once instead of staggering your non-employment periods.

Can you get a low stress job or contract for 6 months? Just to get out of the house and leave him with the responsibility? If you weren't there perhaps he would step up and start being accountable and realising what is involved. He might enjoy himself a lot less and this will speed up his return to work.

Like previous posters noted, I think you do lose a bit of moral high ground because you elected to be off work right now and it was out of his control. It also sounds like he has some significant health stuff going on which needs to be addressed. But that doesn't make you the house elf.

See this crossroads in your career and family life as an opportunity to set a new status quo that works better for everyone.

Good luck op

Sorry I also meant to address:

It is absolutely unfair and ridiculous that you need to spell out things like 'our children need to be driven to school.' And 'Breakfast doesn't make itself' It is infuriating and takes up mental space and is a massive libido killer etc. all the things.

But here you are. Not saying anything hasn't worked. If you want it to change then you need to tell the idiot, not silently wish that life was fair.

I totally understand you OP. When my husband was out of work and our three DCs were all small, I went back to my stressful but well paid work full time. We had childcare and a cleaner - as he did not do enough at home. And I also did not want him to decide looking after the children was his new ‘job’ - because he did so little at home (no cooking, cleaning, medical appts, mental load etc) - so I kept up the childcare. If he had looked after them I knew they would be in front of the television/on iPads all day while he slept or played video games.

Ultimately, I became so resentful that I left him - it was easier to do it all myself and not have him around. Years later I have no regrets. He sees them EOW and still complains to me how hard he finds it to have them over and cook for them etc

Overall, we are both happier.

It sounds to me that your DH is suffering from depression.
Some people on here need to become a bit more aware of mental health and the impact a mental health illness can have in a person.
Try to get your DH to see his GP. That's the first step! If he had cancer, would you think the same way?

@Soontobe60 I agree with you that there are MH issues at play. But her DH isn't trying very hard to get better, which is frustrating for the partner whose day to day life is so impacted by the illness. He's been offered free treatment but hasn't been attending.

If he had cancer and kept missing his chemo treatments, then she'd be entitled to be upset about that as well.

I've been where you are OP with the issues of my DH not doing as much as I did. It does breed resentment. I think DH and I are gradually getting there with it. I know everyone is different, but I'll tell you what helped us.

I told him honestly how I felt. That it was driving me to suicidal thoughts and I wanted to leave. He honestly didn't know how bad it was.
Spell it out. Everything you do every day that you want him to do now. Even when it's obvious.
Like others have said, let him fail. Even if it makes your kids late for school etc. You don't pick up the pieces. Ever.

In my case I also had to lower my standards. I do have anxiety about having a clean tidy house after growing up with a hoarder mum. I have to accept the house won't look perfect every day and it's OK. I also had to accept we both can't do everything and some things taking up mental space had to go. I did also change jobs to one less stressful.

I suggest you need a conversation where you are honest and tell him everything that you've said here.

Tell him that your colleague Says he is caring but yet you want him to take some initiative and shouldn't need to tell him what jobs need to be done: even a idiot should be able to work out the kids need breakfast and got to school with a snack!
And you Expect him to start his counselling again. It's his responsibility to look after his MH.