Is he just not that into me? Crush. Be honest. I can take it!

[bougainvillaeax]

Long time poster, NC. I posted in 90 days only back in January. Sorry, I sound like a gushing teenager below. As in, a fifteen year old texting a friend about her crush. I promise I am not a teenager. Please indulge me briefly.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/ninety_days_only/3482564-Help-me-interpret-a-hot-and-cold-crush-Relatively-meagre-amount-of-interaction

The sole respondent had some good advice, which I took!

Since then we’ve seen each other a few more times. You know that thing where you know someone likes you. I know he does!

Most recently i was back where he works and it was a slow day so we spent a couple of hours talking again, and covered that I would likely stay in his country for at least another three and hopefully more months (depending on the authorities in that country); he asked me whether I’d go for citizenship after that and I flatly said no. We walked back to his car together after he had finished his shift. I mentioned that I likely wouldn’t be back at his institution for various reasons (though as said I’d still be in the area for the at least the above timespan). In all honesty the reasons to not return to the institution were true; but I also wondered whether it would draw his hand and see whether he wanted to keep in contact or ask me out. He offered me a lift; even though I only lived a short walk up the road, and said it was hardly worth a lift, he was pleased when I accepted it. When we got to my destination and just before I got out of the car there was just this pause where I felt he maybe wasn’t going to say anything. So I said ‘Will we keep in touch?’, so he said quite defensively, again in that manner of a slight fear of ‘I know you might reject this about me’: ‘Well I only have email, I don’t have a phone or anything like that, so if that’s okay... do you have a good memory, or are you going to write it down?’ I said (I thought this was a lightbulb moment for me as he could initiate contact if he wanted to in that traditional gender role manner!) I’d write down my email address for him and he just had that look again - it sounds like I’m overinterpreting it (admittedly I might be!) but I feel he almost sets me mini tests, and when I fail them he has this look and demeanour, like, yeah, I knew you’d do that/an air of slightly sarcastic ‘ok then’. (As per my 90-day thread). By which I mean, I interpret it that he took it as proof of my not being sufficiently interested, or of not going about things in the right way, vs my taking his email address.

After that I asked him to read out my email address and made a show of making double sure he could read my handwriting. (It’s an actual possibility he doesn’t have a phone, as that is consistent with some of his other choices and values).

That was a month ago this Thursday

He spent a lot of the time we were talking telling me about how busy he was this month - honestly showing off a bit (in a nice way) about all the new roles he had been asked to take on.

He works at a couple of other institutions in town as he was keen to tell me.

I don’t know what to do now. I feel deep down he really likes me. I normally convince myself of the opposite but there’s just something about him/it. He has always been almost obsessively honest about his shortcomings (not self depracating, but almost laying out his stall clearly from day 1 - almost like he was always giving me ample opportunity to reject him at each stage, if that makes any sense).

I also think he is terribly sensitive and self protective.

One thing that came up in conversation this last time is he is a little bit older than I thought he was and he was clearly worried about telling me. He in hindsight alluded strongly to that in our second ever conversation five months ago.

Is it:

1. He’s just not that into me

I guess that means our conversations and his flirting were a way to pass the time for him?

1. He is and I need to wait out an email
2. He is and won’t contact me because he thinks I’m ambivalent/I just want to be friends/think he’s too old? He doesn’t actually know I’m very close to his age.
3. He is and because of the fact we met through the institution he won’t contact me?
4. He was interested but has changed his mind?

My options are to visit one of the other institutions he works at - he showed me a file of the things he is working on for a program he is developing there; or go back to the original institution, though I feel this latter would be a bad move given what I’d already said about returning. As regards the former, I don’t want to make a fool of myself if this thread draws the consensus that it would be. It’s a major institution though and he knows I regularly visit ones of that type, so I have a legitimate reason to be there, if only once.

One other slight thing that concerned me is that he doesn’t ask me too much about myself; I don’t know whether that was again self protective on his behalf, or that I talk about myself quite a lot anyway . Or that he didn’t want to be intrusive, which is a genuine possibility as one thing I like about him is that he has good boundaries, if that makes sense.

I always thought if a man likes you he will find a way to seek you out and spend more time with you. I am 50/50 as to whether he simply doesn’t like me enough to do that; or, he suspects me of ambivalence and seeking only friendship, and he doesn’t want to get hurt.

I suspect you all will have a clear reader of this!

Thank you for getting to the end of my saga!

I don't even need to rtft to know that he's not that into you.

Men are very simple creatures. I've observed the following:

When a man wants you, you'll know about it.

If he's blowing hot and cold, and you're
confused, that means the man wants to keep you as a potential sex option if his current arrangement falls through.

HTH

I agree with what others have said. You told him you were only around for a limited time so he won’t invest any time or effort for a short term relationship. He probably does like you but is looking for a fling rather than a relationship.
There is also a strong possibility that he’s already attached but hasn’t said so!
You put the ball in his court and gave him a way to contact you and he hasn’t bothered.
Sounds like he’s either not interested, lazy or really shy/nervous. Essentially he expects you to do all the running. Sod that! He sounds like an absolute time waster!

Ok I’m going to be honest here. Yes to the pp who asked this is sort of a pattern though it’s been years since I’ve liked anyone.

I would have visited the institution with the same frequency anyway regardless of his presence or not, that is an absolute fact. I also have finished wanting to visit it, so won’t be returning. I do absolutely know he liked me in ‘that’ way. I also know that he liked me before I liked him; he was not on my radar in that way till he began to flirt with me. The extent to which he liked me however is absolutely up for question and I have heard what you all have said - he doesn’t like me enough. Also - his occasional defensiveness and surliness is also absolutely true and in response to me, say, not 100% agreeing with him, or not saying the ‘right’ thing, and things like that. I wondered how to interpret this person who would flirt heavily and then kind of punish me for saying or doing the wrong thing. Yes, that’s the reality of it, however ineloquently I have expressed it.

As pp said hot and cold may be just have been being kept as a sexual option. Which is at odds with his nervousness when he talks to me.

But I suppose it doesn’t matter now.

Even if he did fancy you a bit it's not enough for him want to do anything about it. Him telling you how busy he is for the month is a way of him letting you down.
How do you know he is even available?
You haven't been on a date. He hasn't asked you out. If he were interested you would know about it.

I think this guy's style has been triggering for you op. ie it has triggered your weakness for limerence.

re he's all over you, then pulls away. Just out of reach. Leaves you turning yourself inside out like a pretzel trying to work out if he likes you or not. Enough already, it's torture.

He's so not worth it. A guy who messes with your head and heart is not worth anything at all. Whether he's 'shy' or whatever he is or may be, this much angst just isn't worth it. As a pp said, it should be easy, straightforward.

Have a look at this. Give it a chance. You're not the only one to go through this agony. Take no notice of some of the horrible posts on here.

Hi op

So what is happening here is that you are actually attracted to him because of the uncertainty and his lack of interest.

You have extremely low expectations from men and low self confidence. I hope this isn't sounding harsh because I sympathize. I used to be like this too.

This man has shown almost zero interest beyond a bit if chat and flirting. You have devoted time to starting an internet thread about him and he is not interested enough to email you a single line.

What happens is that your low self confidence is drawn to this because inherently you believe you are difficult to love. So this man who appears not very interested but possibly maybe a bit. Confirms to you that you are a difficult possibly not very lovable person

The answer here is therapy. Serious commitment to psychotherapy where you look at your childhood and family background and what it taught you about relationships.

When you meet the right man he will be open and happy to show an interest in you. It won't be complicated or difficult to understand.

I do also recommend the book mentioned by others...he's just not that into you. It's genuinely useful if you are someone with low confidence or issues related to over attaching in situations.

There is so much I could say about this - but please believe in yourself OP. Go and look at where your distorted views of relationship s are coming from and you will be able to transform yourself.

Brilliant post Water. I'm resonating with the point you made about lack of confidence.

If a man is nice to me, I can over interpret, especially if I like them as people.

Confidence OP, your post saddened me because you sound lovely, you just don't know your worth yet.

I don't know mine enough either, working on it though. Ultimately, actions speak louder than words.

his occasional defensiveness and surliness is also absolutely true and in response to me, say, not 100% agreeing with him, or not saying the ‘right’ thing, and things like that. I wondered how to interpret this person who would flirt heavily and then kind of punish me for saying or doing the wrong thing

Wow, if this is the case then sounds like you've had a lucky escape, OP! The kind of person who sets "mini tests" and then acts resigned/proved right when you fail them, or withdraws when you don't 100% agree with him is not someone you should EVER go out with, even if he was knocking on your door with a dozen red roses and protestations of undying love.

Steer well clear, thank your lucky stars you weren't more seriously on his radar and do some soul searching as to why you were so readily attracted to this game playing control freak.

I'm serious - this guy has red flags all over him, and it's unnerving that you reacted so positively to them.

Sounds like he would’ve been open to something as long as it was very easy.

Also, he sounds like a bit of a cunt.

Also, he sounds like a bit of a cunt.

Are you reading a different thread to me? What has he done to make you say this? They chatted, he may have flirted a bit - flirting isn't a crime yet and lots of people flirt,

OTOH the OP has visited the institution where he works on several occasions, has given him her e-mail address which a month later he has still not used. It's obvious he is not interested but that doesn't make him a bad person.

Are you reading a different thread to me? What has he done to make you say this?

The op says he sets tests for her and acts superior when she "fails", and he gets surly when she doesnt agree with him completely. This is not the behaviour of a decent romantic prospect - it's someone who wants to see how compliant she is willing to be.

This guy is at work. What kind of tests for her can he be setting at WORK? What kind of punishments? He's flirty, that doesn't signify anything more than bored at work and cheering up his own day. I'd be fascinated to hear what OP considers tests and punishments? I fear she build up some fantasy intimate relationship with this guy where she's ascribing deep motivations and feelings to this guy during perfectly normal day to day interactions with a friendly and flirty guy.

If they are into you it just isn’t this much hard work. You’re analysing every word, look and gesture. You seem to have forced the issue are staying in touch, and the checking the email handwriting was v cringey desperate.

He hasn’t emailed, and you don’t have his details. Time to look elsewhere.

I'm sorry OP, I agree with the other posters. I think you're reading huge amounts into every slight response and building them up, selecting the 'choice bits' and ignoring the more benign, less exciting parts of the conversation.

He had your e-mail address and didn't contact you. He didn't write it down wrong - if he had he could have checked it with you on any number of occasions when you visited the institution.

Also... you didn't like him until you knew that he liked you? That's strange to me, and sad too, as if you have really low self-esteem.

For your own sake, write this one off and stop going to this institution, at least for a while whilst you regroup. Sorry, I know all this is painful to read.

Thingsdogetbetter I totally agree.

OP why don't you just ask him? You have nothing to lose as it sounds like you barely have a relationship with him and can easily never see him again. Just ask him if he wants to go on a date or whatever.